Outsmart

written: October 20

Photo 568/1001



Josey, sleeping at the door, while David was outside working.

I think I may have just found a way to outsmart my depression.
I told myself that I cannot realistically consider suicide UNTIL I do my Polar Bear trip AND am 100% debt free, because I wouldn’t want to burden my husband with my debt along with my death. I know, it sounds morbid, BUT it gave me the energy to really begin working on the presentation for the Da. Library, because it would be a step closer to helping me begin working on paying off my debt. And instead of my brain fighting against an ultimatum (CANNOT commit suicide), it instead was given two hurdles I have to clear before I can consider suicide. HOPEFULLY by that point, I will have my depression under better control and I won’t be in this mind-frame. Or I’ll just have to setup NEW hurdles for it.

Which, I also went ahead and created my annual Birthday Goal list – 38 goals for my 38th year. I realize, that while I do not have a great track record at accomplishing said goals, MAKING them does wonders for my mental health. It gives me things to look forward to or strive towards in the upcoming year. And knowing this about myself, I will be revamping my 101 Goals in 1001 Days. Because again, that shows me the various things that are important to me; the things I want to see or accomplish in my life. And it gives me something to hold onto when the depression is just smothering.

But I also understand now why the mental health professionals always caution people to really pay attention to when depressed people are suddenly happy – because making a suicide plan alleviates so much of the pressure. Once I told myself what had to happen before I would allow myself to realistically contemplate suicide, a massive weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I could breathe again. I could function. Hell, I was downright upbeat after that. And even though that end is way off in the future, it was enough for my brain to accept and loosen that death-grip.

So yeah, I know that this entry may alarm some people – specifically those in my life that do not actively battle depression. But seriously guys. This is a GOOD thing. Because it’s going to be a while for me to save up enough for the Polar Bear Trip (roughly $11,000) AND pay off my outstanding debt (roughly $14,000) even when I do get a full time library job.