Dreaming of Bushmasters

I had a weird ass dream....even for me......last night.

I dreamt that I had this huge, beautiful Bushmaster (genus Lachesis...there are currently three named subspecies).  And I had him (yes it was a boy) roaming around my apartment like one could possibly allow a non-venomous snake.  Anyways, he starts biting my shoe and I think to myself, "Hmm, I probably shouldn't let him do that.  His fangs could possibly penetrate the rubber sole of the shoe and I could get envenomed".  So I turn my foot and that's when he nips me on the left ankle...on the bone that sticks out there.  And I'm like, "Oh man, this could be bad."

So I drive to the ER and even though it's super early in the morning, they tell me the doctor won't be able to see me until 4 pm.  And I'm like, "Um, no.  I need antivenin NOW, because I was bitten by a bushmaster."  And they shrug like it's no big deal and tell me again that the doctor there won't be able to see me until 4 pm.

So at this point, my ankle is beginning to go numb and I head to the mall to see their doctor.  (Because THAT totally makes sense.)  And so I walk into their doctor place and tell them I've been bitten by a bushmaster and that I need antivenin.  And they tell me the doctor will see me in a hour, so I sit down and wait. 

TWO DAYS go by and I'm still waiting!  By this time my leg has gotten progressively more and more numb as the venom has slowly been creeping up my leg.  And the secretary finally admits to me they don't even know where the doctor is.

And I'm honestly pretty calm about this.  Mildly irritated because I've wasted TWO DAYS in their waiting room.  So I leave.

As I'm leaving, I see this HUGE snake enclosure and these high school students are standing there looking at the rattlesnakes inside.  So I walk over and start telling them all these legit facts about these rattlesnakes.

- Like that they are Dusky Pygmy Rattlesnakes (Sistrurus miliarius barbouri).

- That generally you wouldn't want to get bitten by these guys because they would require CroFab antivenin (true) and that it's stupid expensive (true).  Then I accurately quote to them that a vial of CroFab antivenin costs about $2,000 and that you could possibly require 10 - 17 vials of it (which, is accurate for a Western or Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake bite...but I don't think the pygmies require that much, as they are a much smaller rattlesnake). 

At this point, my leg is numb all the way up to my hip, so I decide to go home.  Along the way, I end up in this sewer, rescusing what I call a python, except it looks identical to a Red Spitting Cobra (Naja pallida).  I let it coil around my neck and shoulders while I get it out of the storm drain and then I decide to let it go in the creek right beside my apartment. 

And then I woke up.

Now the science nerd in me had to know for sure what a bite a bushmaster would actually entail, and let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

These guys apparently have an 80% mortality rare, though bites from them are extremely rare as they REALLY do not like being anywhere near urban areas or people for that matter.  But the venom these guys have is really nasty.  Given that it is a viper, there is a hemotoxin, which attacks red blood cells.  This keeps the blood from clotting, causes organ degeneration, and generalized tissue damage.  It also exhibits a neurotic effects, like dizziness, nausea, and paralysis.  So basically, a bite from one of these guys makes you bleed from every orifice, causes paralysis in the muscles, and then causes rampant tissue death.  Can we say DAMN?

But apparently, I'm a badass in my dream because I survived 3 days after being bitten and then just walked it off apparently!  ::laughs::