Ready

I am thankful.....

1. that today was Friday for the Tech Job (they aren't open on Fridays at the moment).  I really need the break.

2. I've somehow managed to lose four pounds.  I mean, sure I'm on my feet a lot at the Tech Job, and I'm not eating so much Starbucks food (or drinking so much Starbucks either), but my eating is still crap.  But hey, I'll take it!

3. listening to Yuki Koshimoto on YouTube.  Her "space drum" music is just stellar.

4. house sitting again for the Robinsons beginning tomorrow afternoon.  And given that I don't work at all tomorrow, that means some serious pool time again!  Woot!  Can't wait.

5. the Divine giving me various nudges on my photography again.  Amazing how it randomly pops up.

6. that I have tomorrow all to myself.  No job demands.  I do plan to get a number of errands done, but they are all on my time.

7. that my husband can make me laugh, no matter how pissed off I come home from working 8+ hours with Christina at the Tech Job.

8. all the blue jay feathers I've found thus far on my walks.  It motivates me to get out there and walk with Holly, hoping to find more.  ::smiles::

9. MoonTime is complete.  A lot of insight during this one.

10. pay day from the Tech Job.  While it ain't great (given all the days we've had "off" or were sent home early), it IS still money in the bank.  And that is always something to be thankful for.

So I got to meet up with Mr. Robinson today to go over the basics again on house-sitting.  Sammy, their golden retriever, was over the moon ecstatic to see me.  So yeah, no matter how shitty my day was up until that point, it was a great day because of his adoration.  I plan to do a lot of hanging out with him and SWIMMING again.  I've got the pool again for week, so you KNOW I'm going to be there as much as I can be.  I've got the good beginnings of a nice tan from the last time I house sat for them, so I'm hoping to build on that.  ::grins::

It is hard to believe that July is almost over and done with.  This month has flown by.  I'm not ready for August.  I just wish I could pause time for a day or two and just catch my breath.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm rushing around, but accomplishing NOTHING of worth.

But on the flip side, I am ready for it to be January.  I'm ready to start working on my Master's degree.  I'm ready to let go of my Starbucks job.  I'm ready to really begin working on my own future.  It's taken me ages to get to this point, but I feel I am finally ready.

Nudge from the Divine

I was supposed to take off of work today and go over to the Chinese School that Paula (a coworker and friend) works at and show off Leviathan (my female lavender corn snake) and give a talk on reptiles.

As you can guess from my words "supposed to" that I didn't. 

Honestly, I just couldn't do it.

I'm so peopled out...more so than usual.

And the Tech Job is being a complete BEAST right now.

I don't believe I've ever worked with coworkers so quick to whine and bitch and moan about EVERYTHING.  Conversations at work are 20% about movies/tv and 80% of everyone trying to out pitiful the other. 

So, having to deal with that for eight hours a day and it being my MoonTime....and my downstairs neighbors being more HORRID than usual....yeah, I just cannot handle any more people right now. 

And I LOVE showing Leviathan off.  She's gorgeous and so calm.  She's a great snake to prove to people that 90% of their "beliefs" about snakes are grossly inaccurate.  She's the best cure to snake "fear" (not to be confused with full blown phobia) that I have found or had the joy of watching. 

Most of the time, I would be all about showing her off and discussing all the POSITIVE things snakes do for us.  I especially like giving this talk with children because they don't have a lifetime of this "fear" (aka misconception) already blocking them from being open to learning.  Hell, I did this talk last summer for them and rather enjoyed myself. 

But I knew on Monday, there was just no way I could do it.  Just thinking of giving those three talks (breaking up the age groups), had me almost panicking.  So yes, I cancelled.  And even though it was for a good reason, I still feel guilty as hell.  I feel like I let Paula down and she's such a happy, bubbly person -- I just really hate doing that to her.  And I'm sure if I explained it in detail, and was completely honest, she totally would have been sympathetic and understood as best she could.  But honestly, even that was too much socializing for me to handle currently, so I just told her I couldn't find someone to cover my shift at work.

Man, I can't wait until Friday.  I am house-sitting again for the Robinsons and it couldn't be at a better time.  My MoonTime just completed.  The moon will be full that evening -- the SECOND full moon of the month (thus called a Blue Moon).  And I will have this awesome house and an awesome pool all to myself that evening.  I NEED that quiet and solitude to calm my frayed nerves from waging war each day at work against the onslaught of Negativity.

My coworkers comment on how quiet I am -- that I'm such an amazingly hard worker.  Little do they know that I do that in an effort to shield myself from the negativity they spray out into the work environment -- it's like tar.  Black, slick, and sticky, and it just oozes from everywhere.  And heaven help you if you get any of it on you -- that shit ain't coming out for a while.  And them?  They are just DRENCHED in it.

Honestly, it reminds of the scenes from GhostBusters when they fall into the pink ectoplasm that was running under New York City.  And as soon as it covered them, all they wanted to do was fight and kill each other.  That is exactly what this negativity is like.  They sit there and spray it out and if it lands on you, then you spray out some negative thought/words.  Which coats them and then they spray their negativity out and it gets on you and thus the cycle continues over and over and over.....for EIGHT solid hours.

So yeah, I focus on the work.  I keep my mouth shut.  And for the most part I stay out of the Tar Battle that is raging all around me.  And if I do have to venture into the battle, I do it with a lot of humor and rush out as fast as I can. 

And I've got two more weeks of this shit.

I wonder if I can claim PTSD after all of this?  ::laughs and winks:: 

Ah, see?  A PERFECT example of my dark humor that I use to survive the work day! 

But I certainly don't want to say that all day was negative.

I took Ole Lady Dog, Holly, out for a walk around the apartment complex this evening.  Alas, I did not find any blue jay feathers, though I did get a hello from one of the blue jays themselves, so that was nice.  And as I'm walking up to my building, the Lady who owns the Sausage Dogs (two SERIOUSLY obese dachshunds) walked up (without the dogs, thank goodness) and we got to talking a bit. 

Now, this is HIGHLY unusual for me.  I'm already peopled out, remember?  And if I'm walking Holly, I'm out there to enjoy nature and typically loathe human interaction.  AND add to it, I want nothing to do with any of my neighbors....except for this Lady.  She's just that awesome.

So anyways, we're just shooting the shit and she asks out of the blue "So have you taken any good pictures recently?"  And I stand there a bit dumb-founded because we haven't discussed my photography.  She says at that point "Oh, I've seen you out walking around in our neighborhood with your nice camera, so that's what I figured you did for a living." 

So I told that it was a hobby of mine and that I do a lot of nature and wild life photography.  I got to talk to her about some of the wildlife we have around our apartment complex.  All in all, it was just a really NICE conversation. 

It also felt like a small nudge from the Divine to continue working on my photography skills.  ::smiles::

Thank you, Divine.  I AM listening. 

Shhhhhh

written: July 26th

Man, the desire to run away is so strong.  I want to go back to The Mountain that I did my Vision Quest on, years and years ago.  More years than I truly want to count, thank you very much.  I don't necessarily need to do a Vision Quest right now.  I just want the quiet solitude out in the heart of nature.  A week out on The Mountain.  Just me, The Mountain, the wildlife, and the Nature.  I wish I could rent a cabin in that area of New Mexico -- one with a hammock if I had my way.  ::smiles::  That sounds about as close to heaven as I could easily get any time soon.  The only thing that sounds better is a wolf sanctuary I read about a while back that had a bed and breakfast in it -- in Montana, if I remember correctly.  THAT would be an amazing trip.  I will have to put it on my list of goals.  It will be a few years down the road, but I can be quite patient when it fully suits me.  Besides -- the pay off will be a truly magical experience -- so worth the require time and effort on my part.

This longing for complete isolation out in the heart of nature comes on every time this time of the month.  And having the neighbors that I currently have, only makes the mountain retreat sound even MORE heavenly.  All joking aside, I do however need to do some solitary camping soon.  The crush of the city and its hoards of people is seriously making me twitchy.  I really need some quiet.

I am in utter disbelief at the sheer crush of constant NOISE we, as a society, seem to require now.  We are constantly blasting noise -- be it music, tv, video, etc.  We have become addicted to our own blasting voices, as we shout to be heard over each other...as we scramble to fill up the quiet with noise so we don't have to face what is IN the quiet.  It seems most people cannot simply sit in silence and enjoy it.  Me?  I love it.  To me, nothing says, "I am completely at ease with you", than to be able to sit in comfortable silence with someone.

I really could see myself putting in the time, effort, and money to completely soundproof my home when I get one.  Or, barring that extreme, at least completely soundproofing my bedroom.  I do not want to hear people mowing their lawns bright and early on the weekend.  I do not want to hear the normal shrieks and yelling of children at play.  I do not want to hear the massive base of rap being blasted out of cars driving past.  I do not want to listen to my neighbor down the road blaring his Tejano music.  I want the option of not hearing any of that -- at least when I am at home, unwinding from a day spent OUT THERE. 

Certainly makes for a lovely day-dream, no?

Understanding the Bushmaster

In my dream the other night, I was bitten by a pet Bushmaster that I apparently owned and allowed free reign of my apartment.  Something, that in the real world, I cannot even begin to describe just how insanely SUICIDAL that would be.  Of all the venomous snakes I've toyed with the idea of possibly owning in the future (once I had proper training, licensing, and safe housing in place), these guys have a very nasty, nasty bite.  And because the dream prompted my science nerd side to research what a bite from what of those gorgeous animals does to a human...I've resolutely crossed that venomous snake off my list.  I'll admire it from afar from now on...and hopefully always with some good shielding between us as well.  ::laughs::

Anyway, back to the dream itself.  I tried looking up the specific totem qualities of the Bushmaster snake, but couldn't find anything specific.  There's a ton on the Snake as a totem, but none specifically for the Bushmaster, which made me a bit sad. After all, a boa is going to have a totally different meaning than a cobra, so it only makes sense that the Bushmaster does have specific energies/medicine/lessons all of its own.  Hopefully, sometime this weekend, I can do some Shamanic Journeying (think Guided Meditation), and I can meet up with a Bushmaster on the spiritual level and see what he/she has to say.

So for now, I'm leaving the totem qualities alone on this snake, until I can speak with one.  Instead, I focused on where I was being bitten/attacked -- my left foot, ankle, and leg.  Traditionally, the left side is considered the feminine side. 

For me though, the left side is The Left Side....the shadow side, the darker side, the nocturnal, lunar side.  And the fact that my feet and ankles were the locale of the attack/bite, draws my attention to those areas.

My gut instinct practically shouts at me that this is a symbol of me NOT being grounded in my Left Handed Side.  I've only begun to scratch the surface there and thus, have no roots to it at all.  It calls to me, a siren's sweet lullaby.  But the Right Hand Side, the brain, the logic, the Light, the rational, the mundane, draws me away by reminding me of all the "responsibilities" I "have" to do...right now.

The Bushmaster, while an EXTREMELY deadly snake (believed to have whooping 80% mortality rate from its bite), isn't considered all that dangerous....because it avoids humans so much.  It prefers to haunt the untouched rainforests, far from humans.

And I think that may be why it was a Bushmaster that attacked me in my dream.  I have been playing in the Light for far too long.  I've grounded myself so much in the Light and the mundane.  I've forgotten how to be a Wolf.  I've forgotten the simply JOY of running free until the light of a pale, silver Moon.  I've forgotten how to follow the calling of my heart.  I've spent too much time in the rational world of man. 

The Forest is calling.  The Wolf is calling.  The Moon is calling. 

And the Bushmaster has warned that it is a slow infecting paralysis to resist Their calls.

No wonder the doctors and nurses wouldn't help me.  They've long forgotten their own Wild Heart and were trying to make me over into their own image.

It's like the image my husband pointed out when I was telling him about the dream and what the reality of a bite from a Bushmaster entails.  I told him it basically rots your limb completely off -- that the photos made it look like someone had cut the limb off a rotting cadaver and attached it to a living human.  He paused and said, "So a bite from a Bushmaster basically makes you a Zombie."  I didn't realize how well he hit the nail on the head there. 

Dreaming of Bushmasters

I had a weird ass dream....even for me......last night.

I dreamt that I had this huge, beautiful Bushmaster (genus Lachesis...there are currently three named subspecies).  And I had him (yes it was a boy) roaming around my apartment like one could possibly allow a non-venomous snake.  Anyways, he starts biting my shoe and I think to myself, "Hmm, I probably shouldn't let him do that.  His fangs could possibly penetrate the rubber sole of the shoe and I could get envenomed".  So I turn my foot and that's when he nips me on the left ankle...on the bone that sticks out there.  And I'm like, "Oh man, this could be bad."

So I drive to the ER and even though it's super early in the morning, they tell me the doctor won't be able to see me until 4 pm.  And I'm like, "Um, no.  I need antivenin NOW, because I was bitten by a bushmaster."  And they shrug like it's no big deal and tell me again that the doctor there won't be able to see me until 4 pm.

So at this point, my ankle is beginning to go numb and I head to the mall to see their doctor.  (Because THAT totally makes sense.)  And so I walk into their doctor place and tell them I've been bitten by a bushmaster and that I need antivenin.  And they tell me the doctor will see me in a hour, so I sit down and wait. 

TWO DAYS go by and I'm still waiting!  By this time my leg has gotten progressively more and more numb as the venom has slowly been creeping up my leg.  And the secretary finally admits to me they don't even know where the doctor is.

And I'm honestly pretty calm about this.  Mildly irritated because I've wasted TWO DAYS in their waiting room.  So I leave.

As I'm leaving, I see this HUGE snake enclosure and these high school students are standing there looking at the rattlesnakes inside.  So I walk over and start telling them all these legit facts about these rattlesnakes.

- Like that they are Dusky Pygmy Rattlesnakes (Sistrurus miliarius barbouri).

- That generally you wouldn't want to get bitten by these guys because they would require CroFab antivenin (true) and that it's stupid expensive (true).  Then I accurately quote to them that a vial of CroFab antivenin costs about $2,000 and that you could possibly require 10 - 17 vials of it (which, is accurate for a Western or Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake bite...but I don't think the pygmies require that much, as they are a much smaller rattlesnake). 

At this point, my leg is numb all the way up to my hip, so I decide to go home.  Along the way, I end up in this sewer, rescusing what I call a python, except it looks identical to a Red Spitting Cobra (Naja pallida).  I let it coil around my neck and shoulders while I get it out of the storm drain and then I decide to let it go in the creek right beside my apartment. 

And then I woke up.

Now the science nerd in me had to know for sure what a bite a bushmaster would actually entail, and let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

These guys apparently have an 80% mortality rare, though bites from them are extremely rare as they REALLY do not like being anywhere near urban areas or people for that matter.  But the venom these guys have is really nasty.  Given that it is a viper, there is a hemotoxin, which attacks red blood cells.  This keeps the blood from clotting, causes organ degeneration, and generalized tissue damage.  It also exhibits a neurotic effects, like dizziness, nausea, and paralysis.  So basically, a bite from one of these guys makes you bleed from every orifice, causes paralysis in the muscles, and then causes rampant tissue death.  Can we say DAMN?

But apparently, I'm a badass in my dream because I survived 3 days after being bitten and then just walked it off apparently!  ::laughs::

Thankful Thursday

Today is Thursday and traditionally that means a Thankful Thursday entry.  It's a nice simple task -- just list ten things you are currently thankful for.  And I will tell you, with having a homicide happen not two blocks away from my home, where I typically walk my dog daily, and being on lock down for three hours only to hear that the suspects got away?  It makes it a little hard to focus on the good.  But, that's the challenge of the Thankful Thursday.  Even with this chaos, I do have things to be grateful for.

So, without further ado....I am thankful......

1. that my Ole Lady Dog was really feeling her years today, and because of that, I chose NOT to walk down the wooded trails today.

2. that while it is very scary to have police helicopters hovering so close to your apartment that it is rattling the floors and walls, that we do have police helicopters to help out in these situations.

3. good neighbors that made sure I knew what was going on when I came out on the balcony to check out the helicopters.

4. that no one I know of was involved in this craziness.

5. that when I went to Starbucks to pick up tips and to get out of the apartment for a while, Bayley (the shift manager) gave me my drink for free.  Of course, she then told me that August 4th is her last day at our store!  Drats!  I really liked her, even if I rarely worked with her now.

6. working in my calendar journal again.  I've FINALLY got it caught up (had a week left of May, about half of June, and NOTHING done for July -- so that's quite a bit of work to do).

7. David got a new-to-him car this past Saturday and I love it.  Too bad I don't get it though!  ::laughs::

8. Angela, a family member of mine, posted some family information that a great aunt (I think) wrote up about my grandfather's family.  It gives a lot of names and dates, plus a lot of interesting "facts" that I will need to verify -- as my Mom made it a point to text me about it this morning.  Apparently, the older generation laughed their asses off with the great aunt shared it...so yeah, I'll verify everything before it gets added to my genealogy information.  But it's a good start.

9. I am still totally stoked that I don't have to take the GRE for my Master's degree.  In September, I'll apply for grad school and hopefully will begin that in January. 

10.  I'm almost at the $5k mark in my savings account.  And that's huge for me.  My jobs don't pay that much, and my debt is crazy.  Once I hit the $5k mark, I'm putting my saving on hold.  Instead, I will attack my debt with the same ferocity as I'm done carrying that horrid weight.

OFF

written: July 22nd

Everything feels so incredibly OFF today.  Like everything is a painting that isn't hung quite straight.  It's leaning to one side or the other...not enough to be immediately noticed, but you realize it, the longer you look at it.  Amazing how just a few millimeters can make all the difference in the world.

I guess it goes to show that I'm rusty when it comes to communing with Spirits.  I don't think I'm 100% back yet.  I can also toss in that my MoonTime is impending.  Or that I've had a headache for three days straight now.  Not a migraine, but just a steady ache in my head...enough to be noticed, but not overly distracting.

I can blame this on a hundred and one things, but in the end....it's all still off kilter.

Doesn't help that my loathing of my coworker Christina (at the Tech Job) has reached a near palpable state.  It definitely has a texture to it...spongy.  Reminds me of the time my brother killed his first deer and Steven (my Mom's long time boyfriend) was helping him field-dress it in the garage.  I touched the lung and it has a very distinct spongy texture to it.  That is what my loathing of Christina feels like.

I hate how negative I have allowed myself to become.  I essentially take on all of Christina's negativity and harbor it inside me.  And when my husband gets home, I unleash it all on him.  Not that I'm being rude or ugly, but that I'm sharing all the crap she did and said over the course of the day, and it gets me all worked up again.  That's not healthy.  And why should I be bringing HER negativity into MY home?  That is stopping here.

I'll need to shield myself psychically before I can work with her again.  I'll probably wear my medicine bag (with my protection charm from my Vision Quest and my lil mountain lion Zuni fetish).  I'm thinking of using the Harpies' War Water to draw a protection rune on my front door to keep more of that negativity out.  Maybe even put a thumb print of it on my forehead to shield ME as well.  And I think it's about time that I talk to our bosses and see about working with someone else.  This isn't healthy for either of us, and I know me.  Eventually, I will snap and I will cut her down to the quick with my words. 

Sitting

written: July 21st

It is awe-inspiring to stand tall among the Dark Goddesses.  Their hair, feathers, fur rippling in the winds.

It is exhilarating and oh-so-humbling to ride on Celaeno's dark feathered back, as her powerful wings ride the wicked winds of the biggest storm you have ever seen.  These were the storms that I sailed and rejoiced in before man's ancestors were even a day-dream of Creation.

It is exhilarating and oh-so-humbling to stalk through the tall savana grasses, rubbing shoulders with Sekhmet, the white lioness of the desert. All I have hunted and killed to feed my family millennia before man stood upright and proclaimed himself above it all.

It is exhilarating and oh-so-humbling to perk in the naked branches of an oak tree using the crow's piercing gaze to look at the sacred groves of the Druids, being preened over by the Morrigan herself.  I have watched and loved my small warring Celtic Tribes long before the Romans burned the entire world to ash. 

It is heartbreaking to sit upon the Hill, on a low stone bench, with a skeleton hand gripping my own and a weighty scythe laying across both our knees.  Dear child, I have been here since the beginning and I am the ending.  All things flow out from me into the world to share their spark, their song, their heart dance...and when it is done....it is back to me they return.  There is no Creation without Destruction.  And no Destruction without Creation.

Just the Toes

written: July 19th

The weekends are the most difficult for me to keep up with the National Journal Writing Month Challenge.  With David home, it really throws off my typical schedule as I chose to run almost completely on his.  And I know that is a choice that I choose to make -- not like he truly requests it.....other than the damn dealership yesterday!  ::laughs::  And I have gotten so out of the habit of journaling, that it has become almost difficult for me to write when there are any type of distractions going on (looking at you, FaceBook!).  Used to, I could write anywhere, at anytime.  The need to write would descend and all I would have to do is touch pen to paper and it would just pour out.  The challenge then was simply trying to keep up with the deluge of words.  I did a lot of writing in crap spiral notebooks back then because my handwriting would truly look like chicken scratch scrawling across the page as I scribbled furiously, trying to keep up with the flow of words, thoughts, and imagery.

But now?  It seems I can only write in ten minute increments before my brain and my hand require a pause.  Not a full break, but a pause to pick up my train of thought once more.  Maybe I should make it a point to return to handwritten journals -- to do more with those than the online blogs.  And it is not like I have to use really nice journals for this.  Wal-Mart is already kicking off its Back To School sale, so I could pick up some spiral notebooks and/or composition notebooks, just for this purpose.  It might be good for me and my creativity.

I should make it more of a point to set aside time dedicated to just writing and journaling.  It used to mean so much to me, and then -- I went on anti-crazy pills -- and all my creativity and passion just curled up and DIED.  I am glad I sought professional help during that rough time, but damn, I am still clawing my way out of that damn pit.  I honestly don't know what was worse -- the crushing depression or the horrible haze the medication smothered me in.  I don't know if I will ever truly recover that part of me.

I miss the inspiration, but not the desperation -- nor damage done to others and myself done in that whirlwind time.  While I would love to dip my toes in the mania pool, I would certainly never dive back in.  ::laughs::

Dealership Awareness

written: July 18th

Oh Saturday.  What a sucky, boring ass day you were.  But I am honestly trying not to focus on the negative here.  My husband was able to trade in his VW Beetle (which apparently he hates?  I am not sure when that occurred, but it is there now).  And he got a very nice 2014 Honda Civic with ALL the bells and whistles.  I am more than a little jealous, I will admit.  But he's been rather keen for me to drive it, so it's a bit better.  I am still rather bewildered at this overwhelming need to change cars every two to three years that my husband does.  I don't know.  Maybe it was growing up without a lot of frivolous money, but I am of the mindset that you buy a car and then you keep it until it dies either a heroic death, or a death of old age.

But that is neither here nor there.  What is done is done.  And unless he has a DAMN good reason, I will beat his ass if he tried to get rid of this care two to three years down the road.  The next car we should get rid of (barring any crazy issues) should be mine -- a 2005 Honda Civic.

Anyways, so getting to spend four-and-a-half hours at the car dealership, while certainly not my idea of a fun way to blow a Saturday, did give me the means and motivation to begin reading The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan.  And surprisingly, it's a great book, even though it is Wiccan-based.  and while I certainly do not subscribe to Wiccan philosophy or ethics, it does offer a lot of good food for thought.  I am taking notes of quotes and ideas Ms. Sylvan poses that resonate with me.  I intend to mull them over more in-depth once I complete my initial read through.  I will most likely read the book once or twice more before releasing it (aka, selling it).  All in all, I can think of worse says to spend $8 (what I paid for the book).

But all this time reading at the dealership reminded me how much I do enjoy reading and learning in general.  I wish I could do a graduate degree in religious groups and/or world cultures and be able to make money with it.  But I guess being able to work in a library and have nearly unlimited access to such books makes for a great Plan B.  ::grins::

I also came to realize, during my time completely unplugged at the dealership, that I waste way too much time on the internet when it is available.  This is time I could be reading, writing, art journaling, taking classes and workshops at the various New Age and Pagan stores, doing my own ceremonies and rituals, or just enjoying a pleasant walk with Ole Lady Dog -- Holly.  I am wasting so much of my time on the internet that I am not out enjoying my life to its fullest.  How sad is that?

So I will be enacting a great culling once more.  I will be paring down the FaceBook groups and the "Like" Pages, to clear out the electronic clutter I have there.  I should not feel obligated to devote hours and hours to FaceBook, so I can keep up with everyone's lives in minute detail.  I should also cull my friends' list.  There are a number of people I am "friends" with, but that I could either care less about, or actually do not want to see their posts.  And I'm having to slosh through all their crap to check on those I actually care about.  That needs to change.

Death's Grasp

I stand ready

and resolute

draped in black

and skull mask

shielding my face

for I am MORE

than myself

in this moment

Scythe

ancient

heavy

with death

and life

balanced perfectly

in my two

strong

capable hands

Now is the time

to strike

hard and clean

Listen to the singing

the ringing

of a beautiful silver blade

slicing through all

the dead and dying

Time to begin cleaning out

the fields

of Life

Rip away

the choking

thieving weeds

that deny nutrients

to my Dreams

my Plans

my very Soul

Hail, Macha,

the War Crow

Hail, Sekhmet

the Blood Drinker

Hail, Celaeno

the Dark One

Time to trim the fat

away

Time to cull the weak

from the herd

Time to pull weeds

in the Garden of Life

==========

The more I work with my various deities and spirits, the more it seems the Wheel of the Year (Pagan mythology that follows the various seasons and celestial occurrences throughout the year) play absolutely not major roll in Their wheeling and dealing.

Conventional Pagan mythology states that Lammas/Lughnasad is swift approaching -- celebrated on August 1st.  This is the celebration of the First Harvest, focusing mostly on grains.

Not a time that the Goddess should appear in the form of Crone (Death with the Scythe -- or at least, not as strongly as she appeared).  Sure the grains are cut, but the vision I saw was a great Reaping.  More along the lines of Samhain -- All Hallow's Eve -- the Final Harvest of the year.

So why am I seeing flashes of Autumn, when the hottest summer days have yet to descent upon me?

Like She instructed, through Her many guises...a great Reaping is coming.  All the good and positive and BALANCE in my life is being chocked out. 

I follow the Crooked Path.  I dance in the Woods.

And yet, I have somehow managed to be lead astray like some poor lamb.

The Culling is coming.

All that is not beneficial to my Herd, my Crops....that shall all be cut away and burned.  That ash will be stirred with water and lard.  And then it will be returned to the land....to bless and feed my Crops...my Herd....to make it all more wondrous, strong, vital, and beautiful once more.

The goddesses and spirits, while they do respect the natural order of the Natural World....well....sometimes, I just need that BIG of a smack upside my head.

In case you didn't realize....I can be quite thick-headed and excessively stubborn and stunningly ingenious in my deviousness.  ::laughs::

Hence why Macha (a Celtic War Goddess), Sekhmet (Egyptian lion-headed War Goddess), Celaeno (the Dark Storm Harpy), and Death Herself came knocking today. 

What blinders I must have been clinging to with one hell of a death grasp. 

An Ex and a DoucheBag

Ug, I hate when I read something that reminds me of my Psycho-Ex, Ken.  Inevitably, it triggers dreams of him.  At best, even if he is behaving normally and even benignly in the dream, I wake up with that slimy residue feeling of having been in his presence.  At the worst?  He is an evil, boogey man creature that terrifies me all night long, so that I sleep almost nothing, enjoy a constant state of border-line panic attack, AND also have that slimy residue feeling of having been in his presence.  

Last night was a half way between the two opposites, not exactly benign, but not the boogey man either.  So, while I was able to sleep, I slept like crap.  And my anxiety was higher than normal, but not border-line panic attacks.  But yeah, my tolerance for bullshit was damn near non-existent.  AND I had to work at Starbucks.  Yippie. 

The good news?  Douche-bag Darrel is now officially GONE.  Praise sweet baby Jesus!  Today was his last official day.  After this, he is moving to HOUSTON.  Hell yeah!  Six hours away and with no family in the Dallas area, I do not foresee him popping back in from time to time just to say hello.

The bad news?  I had to work with Douche-Bag Darrel today.  On his last day.  And we all had to pretend like we are sad he is leaving.  District Manager Kelly even came out to take pictures of the staff all together.  The only reason I am smiling in the one photo I could not manage to get out of is simply because Darrel is leaving.  But I hate being forced to pretend like I am really going to miss the guy.

He is an ass.  He has no people skills whatsoever...unless we are talking about cozying up with the customers.  He is aggressive and even came at me at one point that I thought he was going to scream in my face, if not physically lay hands on me.  I think the only reason he stopped before it got to that point is because I went into a fight stance, had my fist ready to strike, and waited on his next move.  He just stood there all dumb-founded and I told I would not accept him talking to me in that type of a manner and that we would discuss this again when he was rational.  So yeah, forgive me that I refuse to be sad that he is leaving.

So tack on the troubling dreams of my Psycho-Ex and yes, I have been a bit on edge. 

And I hate that.  I hate the baggage I still carry from all the fucked up things Ken did.  He was never physically abusive.  But damn, did he ever fuck up my head.  His ability to play mind games and to warp everything to the point that you were questioning if Up was really Up or if you were just too screwed up to know.  And that set the stage for him to then swoop in and "rescue" me and TELL me what was Up.  ::shakes her head::

And, from what I've heard...I was just his warm up.  He has become even more devious, even more warped, even more cruel and sadistic.  My heart truly goes out to the women he has conned and those he will con.  Because, short of someone putting a bullet in his skull, he will never stop his mind games, his mind fucks, and his complete mental domination of whatever female he is with.

One of these days, I should really sit down and write out all the messed up things he did.  I won't share it publicly, as I'm sure I'll simply be accused of making shit up or blowing things out of proportion.  And honestly, they are not things that truly need to be aired in public.  No good will come of that. 

But I need to write it.  For me.  And then I plan to read each one out loud to myself.  And tell myself that I forgive myself for getting into that situation.  I forgive myself for whatever role I played in the drama.  And then I'll burn that shit.

Wouldn't mind also writing a letter to Ken, outlining all the horrible things he did. And while I would love nothing more than to mail it to him, it won't do one bit of good.  And most likely, it will spur him to contact me, because in his mind, no matter what the letter says, I made contact, therefore, I must want him back.  And since I have just now gotten him to leave me alone for 2 solid years now (we've been broken up since 2003 and I've been with my husband since 2007....just to give you some sort of idea here of the level of stalking/obsession I'm talking about), I will not kick that hornet's nest.  Instead, I'll write the letter and it too will be burned.  It's time to let some of this shit go.

Horoscope

Monthly Overview

If you’re a writer or in the communications or sales industry, you might finish up a major project near July 1. Whatever the details behind it are, you’ll feel inspired and optimistic about the outcome. Another possibility is that you’ll have a deep and meaningful conversation with your sweetheart about your love life. You might be afraid to reveal your emotions initially but soon realize you have nothing to fear at all.

If you have any children and need advice, why not seek the help of one of your siblings? It appears that you’ll receive heartfelt, sound advice from your brother or sister early this month.

On July 15, you might consider going back to school to study for an advanced degree, license or certification. You might have plenty of ambition and energy to move forward with this decision but you’ll need to be patient. The red tape and other paperwork needed to put this into motion might be quite frustrating. Still, it’ll be worth it.

On July 25, Venus turns retrograde and until July 31, an old friend might come back into your life. After July 31 and until September 6 you might struggle with feeling less than appreciated from higher ups. This might also be a time to consider whether or not you’re using your talents to the best of your ability. Honest examination now about where you are professionally can lead to greater rewards after September 6.

Now, I’m not usually one for putting any sort of stock in horoscopes....but the part on July 15th about going back to school for an advanced degree..... Hmmm.

Though now I worry what “old friend” will be coming back into my life. Some of those old friends should remain in the past.

When do I NOT feel under appreciated by my higher ups?

Days off & Day Dreams

Another day of no work for the Tech Job -- I have not worked a single day yet this week.  And while I do enjoy the down-time, I do better overall if I have some sort of work to do.

But it seems like this is a good week for me to be off of work.  Holly (Ole Lady Dog) and I have enjoyed some very nice walks.  And given that the hobos haven't been in the woods when I walked Holly, we could actually go in and enjoy my two little wooded trails.  And I struck feather gold this week -- four good blue jay tail feathers.  I just love these.  I have added them to my vast collection in my shot glass on my working altar.

I just love my woods.  The sheer amount and wide variety of bird songs...and the cicada songs are damn near deafening.  It simply brings such peace to me while making my heart just soar. Hopefully whenever we get a home, it will have a nice backyard and/or near a similar greenbelt or wooded trail area.  Though to be honest, I will be far less forgiving and tolerant of hobos living in those areas if I had a permanent residence there.  I am more forgiving for my current hobos because I live in an apartment complex.  There are residents constantly coming and going, so I am not too worried about the hobos being tempted to break in, nor bother me within the apartment complex. 

Oh to have a backyard of my own -- truly my own slice of nature.  I can plant the flowers I want.  I can hang hummingbird feeders and bird feeders -- the apartment complex forbids them here.  I can set up an outside altar -- a place to make offerings to the divine and to nature -- a place to simply revere a beautiful moonrise.  And, after enjoying the Robinsons' pool while I was house-sitting for them back in June, I am not completely opposed to having a pool as well.

I would also love to be able to paint the walls as I wish inside my home.  I would paint my bedroom a very pale silvery lavender -- a very serene color.  I could get David to help me build a dedicated journaling/art area.  I could finally make a NICE herpetarium habitat for Leviathan.  I have it all planned out in my head and it is just gorgeous.  Beautiful and natural looking enough to make a zoo jealous!  ::laughs::

I would like to get one or two more non-venomous snakes.  I would get a Woma python -- I have loved those guys for a long time now.  The other I am still up in the air about.  Maybe a leucistic Texas rat-snake -- that beautiful snow white color teamed up with dark blue eyes is very eye catching.  I also like the Sinaloan Milk Snakes -- those broad bands of red are again, very eye catching.  I don't have any desire for the large non-venomous snakes -- no anacondas, Columbian red-tailed boas, African rock pythons, reticulated pythons or the like.  Essentially, nothing I would have to feed rabbits, Guinea pigs, or larger prey items to.  Those big snakes are just too high maintenance more me.  Leviathan (my female lavender corn snake) is extremely low maintenance and I just love that.  She is such an amazing little serpent.  I definitely could not have asked for a better starter snake.  I am completely hooked on them now.

Passions and Journals

written: July 13th

“Ignoring your passion is slow suicide. Never ignore what your heart pumps for. Mold your career around your lifestyle, not your lifestyle around your career.”

This is a beautiful quote I round today dicking around on Facebook, and it just resonated with me on all levels. This is what I am working towards. While I do not believe that being a librarian is my passion (but who knows? maybe it is, but I just haven’t tried it out yet.), but it is enjoyable and will pay better – to fund my real passions in life.

I want to travel – to see all the spectacular wildlife in its natural habitats that I possibly call. I want to set food on all seven continents in the world. I want to hone my photography skills – to take it beyond the simple raw talent I currently posses, and turn it into something even better. I want to learn how to properly work with venomous snakes – regardless if I ever decided to actually own any personally.

So getting this Master’s degree is my first aggressive step towards my passions. I should really make a list of things I want to accomplish in the next 5 years…and then a list of things to accomplish in the next 10 years. I should post them somewhere I can see them everyday and remind myself what I am doing all this craziness for. I know me – I will need the motivation from time to time, when the going gets rough.

I want a house of our very own. I am so beyond over apartment living. For all my Gypsy wandering, I do want and need a home base. If nothing else, I need somewhere to house and show off all the neat things I get on all my awesome travels! ::laughs:: And there is something to be said about sleeping in one’s own bed. Besides, if nothing else, I need a place to stash my various journals and photo-books. The digital age is nice, but nothing beats having the book or journal in your hands, and being able to physically thumb through it.

This does bring up a topic that all of us who keep physical journals wrestle with – what will I do about my journals upon my death? I don’t have any children to leave them to – WON’T have any either, so that’s not even an option. And my Lil Nephew? I’m sure my very Christian Bro and Sis-in-Law would not want him reading all of my decidedly non-Christian (some could probably even be called anti-Christian) beliefs and thoughts. I guess in the end, I hope that I am lucky enough to know when my life will be drawing to a close and that mentally, I’m still there. If so, then I will have a lovely little bonfire. i would scan and save my best pages online – but then burn everything. Maybe even make s’mores while the pages all burn.

But if I am not able to do so, I do hope whomever inherits my belongings upon my death, will honor my request to destroy my journals. I don’t care if they read the journals – I won’t be around to deal with any potential fall out. ::laughs:: I’ll add in my Will about my journals – that whomever elects to read them, then they will have to deal with how they feel about anything I have written. They are my words, my thoughts, my emotions – I own those. But I would hope my words wouldn’t harm those I leave behind.

Confederacy Thoughts

The Atlanta chapter of the NAACP officially called for the elimination of all symbols of the Confederacy from Stone Mountain.  The NAACP president, Richard Rose said his group wants Confederate symbols removed from all state-owned buildings, parks and lands.
 
Rose said  he would start with Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson.
 
"Those guys need to go. They can be sand-blasted off, or somebody could carefully remove a slab of that and auction it off to the highest bidder," Rose said.

==============

I've kept my opinions to myself on the whole "oh now we hate the Confederate flag" rabid mentality that has swept through the nation on the heels of a horrible deed -- the shooting deaths of 9 Black people within a church in North Carolina.

Now let me start off with saying, Yes.  I am a proud Southern.  I am proud to call myself a Texan.  And while I was raised to see the Confederate flag as something the Klan used (and yes, I do have ancestors that were a part of the Klan -- even have photos from Klan rallies).....I do understand that not everyone sees it as a symbol of that.  I understand the Southerns that see the Confederate flag as another way of having pride in being Southern.

All of this is true, and yet I am ok with removing the flag from flying above State Capitols.
I am ok with stores no longer carrying it.
I am ok with everyone spouting off that it is a symbol of hate, racism, slavery, and (the newest) treason.  Gotta love how the party line evolves with the times.  Nowhere before now, have I ever heard of the Confederate flag being a symbol of treason (hurray for the Patriots).

But to destroy monuments to men that fought and died in the military simply because you don't agree with that war? No. I draw the line there.

Not all of the men in the military, even up to the generals, fought because they owned slaves or wanted to keep slavery alive. Robert E. Lee only fought for the South because that's where his family was, that is the side that his male relatives were fighting for, and he would not fight against his family. So why should he be disgraced simply because he chose family over country?

To me, this is on the same line as all the people who did not support the Vietnam War protesting the military when they came home. Disgusting and disgraceful. No matter if you agree with the war/battle or not, those people who are willing to go there and fight deserve respect.

I just don't quite understand the rabid ferocity against the Confederacy now.  I fail to see why honoring soldiers from a war in the 1800s offends today's people?  It's not like the monuments are extolling the great virtues of slavery.  They are simply honoring skilled fighters.  Something America adores.

Sunday, Fun-Day

written: July 12th

Sunday, fun-day.  ::laughs::  A longer shift at Starbucks for me -- five hours.  Typically I only work fours hours, but damn, that extra hour today was just so damn brutal.  My back and my knees were just killing me today.  I am so glad I don't have to work there again until Friday.

I came home and applied an icy-hot patch to my lower back.  And then I slathered on some doTERRA Deep Blue Rub on both my knees.  Just so much pain.  I was hoping that the Tech Job would say they didn't need me tomorrow, just so I could have another day to let these inflamed and angry muscles just relax and calm down before having to do MORE physical labor.  But I opened up the email from Tech Boss Michelle to read that they are pretty sure they will not need us Temps at all this WEEK.  ::sighs::  It is really going to suck paycheck-wise, but now I have a ton of free time to get a shit-ton of errands completed that I have been putting off for ages.

All in all though, I do hope I get called in to work at the Tech job some time this week.  If nothing else, this is yet another motivator to remind me why I want to work on my Master's degree.  I am ready for a steady job that has me gainfully employed (and making money) the entire year.

Mom had request I call her so we could talk about everything I learned in my meeting with the University of North Texas' College of Librarian and Information Sciences.  We are coming up with a game plan for me, so I can get started on this degree already.

At this point, I am planning to take six hours (two courses) a semester.  I have to take six hours to qualify for financial aid.  We will just have to wait and see what, if any, financial aid I actually do qualify for.  Almost makes me want to divorce my husband, so financial aid will be based solely off of MY income.  ::laughs::  I would certainly qualify for quite a bit at that point.  Oh well.  We will do what we have to do, just got to take it one step at a time.

Mom did point out that it is completely within the realm of possibility that once I get this degree, I could get a job that pays THREE times what I'm making at the after school program.  So if I was smart and continued to live very frugally, I could eliminate my outstanding debt in no time and then have a lot of money to put into retirement.  I can't imagine what it would be like to make even double what I am currently making.

Not trying to elicit sympathy here, but I make about $20k a year.  That's it.  Granted, my husband does make double that, but we still split most bills 50/50.  He is working to pay off his outstanding debt, as he doesn't want it to become my problem.  Just like I'm working to pay mine off because it shouldn't become his problem at any point.  This is debt I accumulated prior to our relationship, so he shouldn't have to dig me out.  Gotta love that damn pride of mine.  ::laughs::

Grad School Meeting

written: July 10th

I leave in a half hour for my meeting at the University of North Texas.  Yeah, the familiar panic is just starting to set in.  And I hate that.  I hate that I get panicky about going somewhere new, talking to someone new, doing something new.  I get the tightness in my chest, the shortness of breath, the shakes in my hands, and my mind start looping through what all could go wrong...or how I'm going to offend the person I'm meeting with.  And it doesn't matter how I rationally explain to my brain that it doesn't do any good to get all worked up. We are going and it's going to be fine so just chill the fuck out.  And then my brain is all like "well what if....."  ::sighs::  Hate this.

Well, I just got back from the meeting and it was GREAT.  Traffic was an utter bitch on I-35, but what's new?  It is only going to get worse for the next few years as they do all the construction.  But, in about ten years, it is going to be SWEET!  Or at least, I hope it ONLY takes ten years.  That seems to be the standard for Texas road construction.

And I did get a bit turned around in the building, trying to figure out where the College of Information was located, but a nice guy in the College of Engineering helped direct me.  All in all, I was only a few minutes late (which, surprisingly did not induce panic/anxiety in me -- it is usually a HUGE trigger for me).

I sat down with Ms. Hall and we discussed everything about the program over the next half hour.

The best news?  I do NOT have to take the GRE exam!  Talk about a HUGE weight off of my shoulders.  I was not looking forward to this exam -- think, the ACT/SAT exam on steroids!  That is a lot of time and MONEY back in my pocket.  Woohoo! 

And we discussed my not-so-stellar undergrad overall GPA, but I can petition that the Board looks at my last six semesters' GPA instead.  We are talking an overall GPA of 2.7...or the last six semesters' lowest GPA was a 3.25 -- so yeah, I will certainly be petitioning they to look at the last six semesters.  ::chuckles::  So there is HOPE for me after all.

All in all, I am looking at 36 hours for the degree and then a Practicum of 120 hours in an actual library.  The Practicum has to be completed in one semester, so honestly, that isn't too terrible.  I won't be working at Starbucks, so hopefully I could get hired on for the Practicum at the local public library and bang those hours out in the morning and then go to work at my after school program.

There are a few scholarships for the Librarian/Informational Sciences Master's program that I will certainly apply for.  And then to qualify for financial aid, I do have to take a minimum of six grad hours -- two courses.  That shouldn't be too terrible.

So I came away from the meeting with a better understanding of what the degree program is going to entail, thrilled that I don't have to take the dreaded GRE, and rather hopeful and excited about taking this next step.

Onwards and upwards!