Emotional Roller Coaster

written: Feb 14th

Today has been a BRUTAL day on the emotions. 

I friggin’ wrote this Woe-Is-Me post on Facebook (of all places):

What's the point of me going to the Grievance meeting tomorrow with the program director? She sat in on the meeting I had with HR about this situation, so it's not like I'll be getting a new/different perspective on the situation.

It seems like I used to be praised all the time for shaping good and stellar aides...that they would send me problem aides because they knew I would straighten them out. 

I used to be supported when I would bring them a problem, because it was never a trivial thing. I can handle most things and only call on my supervisors for major issues.

Now? Now, I get accused of "setting aides up to fail" even with SERIOUS problem aides that should have been fired the first year, and yet I'm still dealing with them two years later. 

Now, I have an aide that commented she hating coming to work because she just wanted to punch me in the mouth every. single. day. And they won't even move that aide to another campus.

It just seems like the more I speak up and speak out about this shit, the more it reflects badly on me. I volunteered to work on the student holiday, and I'm 90% sure I will be passed over for it. And I can't help but think it's related to me making waves about this shitty aide I'm stuck with.

So I wonder, what will be the fall out if I do go to the meeting tomorrow? Because, given their track record thus far this year...I'll probably be put on Administrative Leave again...even though I HAVEN'T DONE A DAMN THING WRONG!!!!!!

And then promptly sat down and had an ugly cry over.  ::shakes her head::  But, I did get some good advice from some really good friends.  And the Hal (a buddy I used to LARP with who ended up marrying one of my best friends in the LARP world), wrote some really good advice and ended it with “Btw, I believe you.”  And holy fuck, did I just start bawling. 

It was just nice for someone to acknowledge I was going through some shit, and that they believed me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve gotten plenty of support and advice and all of that…people SHOWING they believed me with their actions and their outrage on my behalf.  But no one had actually said the words.  And until Hal did, I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear them.

So yeah.  I had my pity party and now I’m ready for the next round in this fight.

And in UTTERLY AMAZING NEWS – my paycheck not only did NOT suck….but it’s friggin’ AMAZING.  Thank all that is holy for that!  I can breathe again and start seriously chipping away at various bills. 

Man, I dunno what it is, but I’m so emotionally wrung the fuck out.  Jess (my AMAZING aide) asked me today if I had heard back from my gyno on my cancer status.  She had meant to ask earlier, but with everything going down at work, it just hadn’t been calm enough.  And she didn’t want to ask me in front of the other staff in case it was bad news.  I told her that I hadn’t heard anything on that front, which is GOOD news.  If I’m cancer and HPV free, then I get a letter from my gyno in 2 to 3 weeks stating such.  If I NOT cancer and HPV free, I get a call in those first three days after my appointment.  I told her, if it had been bad news, I would have just had myself committed.  I couldn’t handle any more shit being piled on top of me at this point.   Like for real, if I had gotten a call saying the HPV was back or that there were pre-cancerous cells…I would have obviously gone to that doctor’s appointment to deal with that shit, but then I would have promptly checked myself into a psych ward for at least 72 hours.  That would have been the straw that broke this camel’s back.

BUT, no phone calls about it, so I’m assuming it’s all clear.  So yeah, TEN years now, cancer free.  Hell fucking yeah!