Pushing Back

I have so much to write about.  The inspiration is FINALLY coming back again. 

January has been brutal.  Honestly, all the months since September have felt like a kick in the teeth.  But that's ok.  I'm finally picking myself back up.

Went to the New Grad Student Orientation at UNT today -- ya know, the thing that I was all flailing around all panicky-like?  And like I suspected....once I was THERE....the panic fell away.  Too bad that the Orientation was a total bore....and the 2.5 hours I was there.....maybe 20 minutes of it was actually helpful.  ::shakes her head::  I mean, hell.  The friggin Grad School President couldn't even show up!  But I AM glad I sucked it up and went.  Thus far, this year has been all about pushing against the Fear when it shows up....and realizing I'm far stronger and more courageous than I give myself credit for.

And the other big thing?  I've finally figured out I LIKE running.  Don't go too crazy there.  It's not like I'm out running marathons....yet!

My knees are still incredibly weak, but I'm using the elliptical and powering through it.  Right now, I'm just striving towards doing at least 15 minutes every other day.  Not enough to kill me, but enough to challenge myself.  And I did 20 minutes today and don't have the dreaded "spongy knee" feeling that I have had previously.

So while the first three minutes are absolute hell and I'm asking myself "What the FUCK made me think that THIS was a great idea?".....if I can break the 10 minute mark.....I start to really enjoy it.  I don't listen to music or have the tv going.  For me, it is 15+ minutes of meditative running.  It takes about 10 minutes for all the worries and stresses and anxiety to really burn away, and then I'm just there, listening to my breath, and focusing on what I CAN accomplish. 

I'm trying really hard to hold onto this feeling to keep myself motivated to continue.  At this point, when a good friend of mine (April) mentions the marathons she's running, instead of saying "I'll never be able to do that"....I simply say, "I'm not at that level YET. But I CAN be."  And that's a huge thing for me.  I can be so pessimistic, especially when self-directed.  But right now, I know that if I continue at the pace I'm currently setting, there is no reason why I couldn't run a marathon.

Now, I probably never will, because I can't handle the crowds of people.  But maybe I could run it by myself, just to prove I CAN do the distance.  And who knows, maybe sometime in the future, I will be able to handle the crowds of people and actually do it myself. 

I knew Owl was going to be a seriously potent Totem for this year...I just never thought it would be like this.  ::smiles::

Onwards!