Technical Writing

written: Jan 28th

My first major assignment in my Master’s degree program is due today by 10 pm. It’s the oh-so-wonderful Information Organization class – which means it’s nothing but TECHNICAL style writing. Which is a major blah for me, as I’m more of a creative writer. I want to paint pictures with my words and fluff it up to invoke emotion. All of which is a huge no-no in technical writing.

After spending most of the evening hashing this shit out with my husband, I am fairly confident in my project thus far. The husband is far more technical-writing orientated as he has to do a lot of it in his job field, so he’s proving to be a MAJOR asset for me in this class thus far. And he’s loving it because most of the time he feels like a dumb ass (his words), and here he’s being shown that he’s very intelligent and capable. Plus all this technical talk got his own mind to thinking about things that need to be fixed at his job, so it also helped him.

House hunting continues. We have bids in on two new houses. I’m just seriously hoping we get a house soon. We are starting to get down to the wire here and I would just feel better knowing that we have a semi-solid plan in place. That would alleviate so much stress for me right now. But for now, I’m trying my best to focus on what I can control, and letting the rest go.

Speaking of stress management, I’ve been continuing with my elliptical usage and surprisingly I’m loving it. By setting the goal of doing 20 minutes every other day, it takes a bit of the pressure off of me. And I’m doing it in the evening, before David gets home. It is 20 minutes for me to let everything go. It’s a rough start each time. Those first 5 minutes are horrendous – my body is rebelling and my mind is rebelling. But once I hit that 10 minute mark, everything falls away. My body remembers it can do this. And my mind hones in on one thing at a time. And if my mind gets to working itself back up, I simply focus on my breathing (meditation much?) and the movement of each leg independently.

And while I’m not seeing any change on the scale, my non-fat-jeans are looser now than they were at the beginning of the year. That’s all the motivation I need. And most of the time now, my knees do not ache after doing the 20 minutes. Starting in February, I’m going to add in some simple strength workouts. I know me, and if I add too many things all at once, I’ll become overwhelmed and stop it all. So by adding one thing and working on it until it becomes a habit before adding on something new, I think I might just be able to maintain this. Hell, I’m actually looking forward to the fact that I “get” to use the elliptical tonight – it’s my running day. ::laughs:: And that is something that I NEVER thought would ever, in a million years, come out of my mouth!

The lil Pagan group I joined in late December is turning out to be very awesome. I really like Hazel (the young lady that is hosting all of this), so if nothing else, I certainly want to maintain that friendship. And it’s nice to have a fellow Pagan around to encourage me to embrace more of my witchy self. ::grins::

New Oracle Deck

written: Jan 27th

My Messenger Oracle deck arrived on Sunday.

And I thought today would be a great day to open them up and give them a whirl. I had forgotten how stiff and cold brand new oracle/Tarot cards are. It took a bit of shuffling before they started “warming up” to me. That’s the best way to describe the sensation. They were stone cold and stiff when I first opened them up and began shuffling them. And then they seemed to limber up and warm up.

So I decided to just go with a quickie, three card reading. The question I posed the cards was, “What do I need to know about this Semester” – referring to my first semester in the Master’s degree program.

These are the cards I drew:

Card 1 – Share Your Thoughts: You have hopes, dreams, goals, and ideas. Do not guard your ideas jealously nor keep them locked within for fear that another may steal them or offer ridicule instead of support. It is time to share your vision. Tell Great Spirit and Gaia of your dreams and hopes so they may send you want you need. Speak of your dreams to others. Connect with those who share your goals and hopes for they may be able to help you realize your dreams sooner.

Card 2 – Know Your Power: You have a choice in all things. Your power is born of that freedom to choose, but with that freedom comes the burden of responsibility. To know your power you must accept responsibility for your part in all you experience even when you allow another to impose their choice or will upon you. You have the power to choose if you wear a saddle or bridle, or if another will ride upon your back. Own your power. Know it and see it in all of your choices and actions.

Card 3 – Heed the Messenger: It is easy to ignore the messengers and the signs they show you, especially when they bring a message you do not wish to hear. But now is not the tie to ignore the messengers. Do not let your fear of change or discomfort silence their voices. It is time for you to stop procrastinating, to see and to hear the truth, and do what is necessary. Heed the messenger for the wisdom they offer is born of your own intuition and need.

All in all, good messages there. All about speaking up, sharing what I know, owning my own power, knowing that I can do this, and listening to others, no matter what form they make take.

---

Pen Pals

I stumbled across a blog entry in which a lady talks, with great enthusiasm, about a pen pal her little son has and how much fun they are having with it.

And it reminded me of the pen pal I had in elementary who lived in the country Georgia (by Russia). I’m rather sad I lost contact with her in middle school. I wonder how she is.

But anyways, that got me all nostalgic about writing letters, which reminded me of the Month of Letters Challenge that takes place in February.

So guess who’s signed back up for that? Yep, that would be this insane lil Wolfie.

Because CLEARLY, I do not have enough on my plate already.

So with that said, anyone who would like to receive a letter/postcard from me in that month, send me your mailing address and I’ll add you to my list!

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful:

1.       First day of “Institute” for INFO 5000 is over and done with, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was worried it would be. 

2.       Getting to talk with some other INFO students that have taken INFO 5200 and getting some insight on the BIG PROJECT.  I’m still a bit intimidated by the project, but it’s no longer abject terror.

3.       MoonTime hasn’t been too brutal thus far.  Really wish it had held off until after all the craziness of my 4 day stretch of in-person grad school classes (called Institutes), but it is what it is.

4.       Pretty decent room here at the DoubleTree.  I ADORE the king size bed I have, though the walls certainly could stand to be a bit thicker.

5.       Nice dinner with my Mom, brother, sister-in-law, and Lil Nephew last night at Ninfas (a pretty good Mexican food place).

6.       My new laptop.  I love having access to the internet to keep myself entertained, plus getting some stuff set up for my grad school classes. 

7.       That the only nasty traffic I hit heading down here to Houston was actually in Dallas.  Sucked that it took me 30 minutes to go about 5 miles, but once I got past that, it was smooth sailing.  I’m hoping for smooth traveling as I head home tomorrow.

8.       Mom giving me a bit of spending money to help off-set the costs of this trip.  It allowed me to indulge in my hermit tendencies, and I got to order room-service.  After a day spend interfacing with strangers, I NEEDED the solitude of my room.

9.       That thus far, my staff have only called me once in a panic.  Granted, there is still one more day left in the work week, but they should be fine. 

10.   All I have to do is get through the next three days.  After that, the rest of the semester is all on line.  Just gotta do the two Institutes.  Goddess give me strength!

Candle Magick

Did a bit of simple candle magick – my favorite.

We are supposed to hear back tomorrow about the two houses we have bids in on. I’ve got every part of my body that is crossable – CROSSED. I hard core want the Lavaca house!

And if it’s meant for us, GIMME! ::laughs::
As I will it, so mote it be.

Pushing Back

I have so much to write about.  The inspiration is FINALLY coming back again. 

January has been brutal.  Honestly, all the months since September have felt like a kick in the teeth.  But that's ok.  I'm finally picking myself back up.

Went to the New Grad Student Orientation at UNT today -- ya know, the thing that I was all flailing around all panicky-like?  And like I suspected....once I was THERE....the panic fell away.  Too bad that the Orientation was a total bore....and the 2.5 hours I was there.....maybe 20 minutes of it was actually helpful.  ::shakes her head::  I mean, hell.  The friggin Grad School President couldn't even show up!  But I AM glad I sucked it up and went.  Thus far, this year has been all about pushing against the Fear when it shows up....and realizing I'm far stronger and more courageous than I give myself credit for.

And the other big thing?  I've finally figured out I LIKE running.  Don't go too crazy there.  It's not like I'm out running marathons....yet!

My knees are still incredibly weak, but I'm using the elliptical and powering through it.  Right now, I'm just striving towards doing at least 15 minutes every other day.  Not enough to kill me, but enough to challenge myself.  And I did 20 minutes today and don't have the dreaded "spongy knee" feeling that I have had previously.

So while the first three minutes are absolute hell and I'm asking myself "What the FUCK made me think that THIS was a great idea?".....if I can break the 10 minute mark.....I start to really enjoy it.  I don't listen to music or have the tv going.  For me, it is 15+ minutes of meditative running.  It takes about 10 minutes for all the worries and stresses and anxiety to really burn away, and then I'm just there, listening to my breath, and focusing on what I CAN accomplish. 

I'm trying really hard to hold onto this feeling to keep myself motivated to continue.  At this point, when a good friend of mine (April) mentions the marathons she's running, instead of saying "I'll never be able to do that"....I simply say, "I'm not at that level YET. But I CAN be."  And that's a huge thing for me.  I can be so pessimistic, especially when self-directed.  But right now, I know that if I continue at the pace I'm currently setting, there is no reason why I couldn't run a marathon.

Now, I probably never will, because I can't handle the crowds of people.  But maybe I could run it by myself, just to prove I CAN do the distance.  And who knows, maybe sometime in the future, I will be able to handle the crowds of people and actually do it myself. 

I knew Owl was going to be a seriously potent Totem for this year...I just never thought it would be like this.  ::smiles::

Onwards!

Cue Panicked Flailing

Wheee with the hard core anxiety....amped up with some borderline panic attacks.  Shit, I should have talked to my general doctor about getting some anxiety medication.

But then again.....I haven't seen her in almost two years.  Would that be classified as drug-seeking behavior?  But it's not like I'm going for pain-killers or top notch stuff.  Just something to keep my heart rate lower.

I was on Propranolol back at the end of high school and beginning of college.  It doesn't technically treat anxiety.  But for me, when my anxiety ramps up, my heart rate amps up.  And I can FEEL it ramping up...like my heart is beating out of my chest.  Which makes me MORE anxious.  Which leads to a higher heart rate....a vicious cycle that leads up to the point of hyperventilation and a high probability of passing out.  And now that I'm looking Propranolol up...it's also used to prevent migraines AND cluster headaches.  Shit, if I had known that, I never would have stopped taking it.  Hell, I might need to get my punk ass back on it!  The migraines have greatly slowed down, and the cluster headaches are rare...but something to help prevent even the rare occurrences?  Sounds good to me!

Anyways, all this anxiety is because I have my New Grad Student Orientation tomorrow.  And I'm flipping the fuck out.

Toss in the whole house-hunting crap.  And a LOOOOONG day at work (thanks to early release day...which means my after school program starts earlier).  AND hello PMS week -- yeah, I'm due to start my MoonTime when I'm supposed to be down in Houston doing classes!  ::snarls:: 

So yes.  I'm a BIT stressed out.  And terrified and all sorts of panicky.

But I'm going to the orientation tomorrow, even though I want nothing more than to hide under the covers and wish it all away.  I'm tired of letting my fears rule my life. 

But seriously....I might talk to my general doc about the propranolol to ease this transition. 

Just Breathe

The whole house-hunting thing has me stressed out, anxious, and a tad depressed.  I was being snarky (I know, such a SHOCK!), asking myself "What the fuck am I supposed to be relishing in this whole ordeal?"

After all, relish is the word that descended upon me, knocking the other word I was eye-balling out of the damn park.  I do still need to type up that entry.....

Anyways, I was taking my third walk with Holly (which, by the way, she turned FOURTEEN today!), and it hit me.  While I may not be relishing the house-hunting insanity....it doesn't mean I cannot relish the rest of life.  I can relish the walks with Holly.  I can relish my time at the after school program with my awesome students.  I can relish my journal writing.  And I can relish doing nothing if that is exactly what I need to do in the moment.

And while I adore my friends and would love to truly engage with each of them, I just can't in this moment.  But while I may not have any engaging, witty, or insightful comments, I can at least let them know I care about them.

I don't know where my superman complex comes from or why it pops up at certain times. But given how I was the one to bring our lil journaling group together to do the NaJoWriMo (National Journal Writing Month) challenges, I felt like I had to be fully engaged and fully involved with each and every single journal entry each person writes.  Currently, there are twelve people in our little NaJoWriMo group -- that is 31 entries per person...plus the 31 entries of my own.  I just don't have the time or the sanity to delve in deep with each one of them....and some write the most beautiful, earth-shaking entries.  So I'll probably come back to those another month, when I'm a bit more together.  But I can at least let them know I'm supporting them in whatever endeavors they are embarking on.  ::smiles::  And that will be enough.

Husband and I have since expanded our house-hunting to include of a C-town (instead of the small neighborhood we originally picked), plus L-ville.  While hubs isn't thrilled about possibly living in L-ville, there are two houses that I just adore -------  that are also inside our price-range!  Woot!  So I've emailed Fred about those two, so hopefully we can see those soon.  And Thursday morning, we're finally getting to look at one house in C-town that only had 3 street-view photos.  Hopefully that's not because the interior is horrible. 

And seeing as how it's closing in on 1 am....I'm going to close this for now and take my punk ass to bed.

Shutting Down

I find myself shutting down so much right now.

To say I'm stressed out about the house-hunting would get a gross understatement.  Since getting the FitBit for Christmas from my Mom it's been interesting to see how this stress is effecting my heart rate.

Prior to looking at the first house ever, my resting heart rate was around 74 beats per minute.  Since beginning the true house hunting in earnest, my resting heart rate is at 82 beats per minute.

My writing has tapered off a LOT.  I'm still getting a bit written every day, but I don't really enjoy it all that much. 

And I know this is a stepping stone.  I won't be caught in this limbo forever.  But it's made me realize how much I HATE not knowing all the information.

I mean, I don't have to know so much that I have a Ph.D. in this.....but I at least need to know I have a good steady foundation of knowledge.  And in this instance, I don't, and I am panicking.  Panicking so bad.

And I'm constantly second-guessing our agent.  Because I feel he isn't giving me the information I want/need.  Honestly, I would like to sit back down with him in his office and go over everything again for like an hour or so, to make sure I understand as much as I can.

Just not sure when we can actually do that.  Damn jobs getting in the way.

Oh well, I'm sure it'll calm down....sometime. 

Hopefully soon.

2016

Well a new year is finally here.
So all sorts of new things will abound here.

This is Day One of the January round of the NaJoWriMo project. Seeing as how I’ve got a SHIT ton of stuff going on this month, I’m only striving for the Beginner Level – just one journal entry a day. I’ll strive towards the 500 words a day, but am making no promises and am not binding myself to that either. Sorry, but Grad School is far more important than hitting the 15,000 word mark for the month.

My One Word for 2016 is Relish. I’ll type up the entry I handwrote about it – Divine inspiration flows better with a pen/marker/pencil and paper than typing most of the time.

My Totem Animal for 2016 is the Owl.

ARTIST: thrumyeye

I have written down New Year’s Resolutions…but now I’m second-guessing them. I think instead, I would rather make goals for each month. I’ll think on this a bit more before finalizing.

But all in all, not a shabby start to the New Year.