Thanksgiving

Turkey Day was a good one with my family. David opted to stay at home seeing as how he only got that day off and he was going to have to work Friday AND today. He seriously needs his down time or he becomes one hell of a grouch (and yes, I can say that because I’m the exact same way). ::grins and winks::

It was actually a somewhat bittersweet Turkey Day that I’m not ready to really talk too much about. I’m sure I’ll blabber all about it later once I’ve had a chance to really mull it over. But for now, photos:

Four Generations here for Turkey Day Photo:

Most adorable Lil Nephew on Friday (it got REALLY cold here quickly):

Lil Nephew (most likely telling my Mom about the birds – he ADORES birds):

Sincere Heart

With all the fancy altar tools out there.  And all the beautiful altars I see other pagans creating, I've fallen into a thought process that says unless I've made an altar, I can't "properly" celebrate a holy day.

What fucking rubbish!  When the hell did this thought become so entrenched?  Well, it is the fuck out here, lemme tell you.

Tonight is the Full Hunter's Moon.  And life has been one hell of a whirlwind of activity, especially for a recluse such as myself.  So I haven't had the time/energy/desire to make an altar for this full moon, and I was moping around a bit, trying to figure out when I could get that accomplished BEFORE the full moon was gone -- I technically have until the 28th until the full moon is over.

But as I was walking Holly, I just couldn't help but be utterly mesmerized by the singular beauty that is a full moon on a very slightly overcast evening.

So, as Holly sniffed around as dogs are wont to do, I simply prayed sincerely, from my heart, what it is I am hunting for.

I am hunting for a new home.  One that I can feel safe in.  One that is better suited for my aging canine companion.  One that is better suited to my husband.  One that fits us financially and gives us our safe place to retreat from the world at the end of each day.

So in the end, I don't need all the fancy trappings.  I just need a sincere heart.  The tools are fun and can aid in getting one into the correct mind space.  But ultimately, if the Witch isn't doing the Work....it isn't going to work!

I Tapped Dat Ass

::dies laughing:: I admit – I have a very warped sense of humor.

So yeah, Sunday, as I was driving home to visit my mom and to do my yearly girlie-doctor visit on Monday....I was involved in a minor fender bender.

And if you couldn’t guess from the title, yeah, I hit the person in front me.

Thankfully, it was minor. Oh, how minor do you ask?

Here are the photos of the damage to my car (the car that got the MOST damage):

Where the bumper meets the rest of the car on the passenger side:

Small bit of paint removed:

Imprint of that bitch’s ass on my bumper!

My victim’s car has a blue mark about a foot long on her bumper, and her bumper has done the same thing my front bumper has done in the first photo…just not as sever as mine.

No injures. My left shoulder is tender at the joint from the seatbelt, but that’s it.

And the body repair guy in my lil home town has quoted me $250 to fix the three issues from the collision, plus fixing two other paint damages I’ve had for a while.

11 Years

A letter I just sent to my journaling group, in honor of my 11th anniversary of joining.

Eleven years ago, I stumbled across this group, and I've never looked back once.

I've made some and lost some amazing friends here in that time.

But I wouldn't change a thing.

I came here in one of the darkest periods of my life and it was a very, very rocky road for years. 

But my core group here always stood by me.  Always held aloft a torch to light the way.  And always encouraged me to continue on.

Y'all road the roller coaster of my ups and downs, with psycho-significant others, and some seriously toxic individuals.

Y'all cheered me on when I graduated college with my bachelors. 

Y'all cheered me on when I did my Vision Quest.

Y'all cheered me on when I took off on various road trips and finally got to experience wolves up close an personal.

Y'all held my hand when I was raped and then found out he'd given me one of the most aggressive cancer-causing strains of HPV.

And y'all were there when I met, fell in love, and married my twin spirit.  Heck, most of ya watched it when it was streaming online!  *smiles*

I guess, what I'm saying, is that, even though I haven't met most of you in person (yet!), I am so deeply grateful for all the love and support you have shown me.

Besides, what other group would have dared me to make a butt-print in the snow?!  *laughs*  Love you, Gloria, and miss you so terribly much.

I only hope that I can repay the kindness you have each shown me over the years.  You guys truly are one of the most amazing groups of people I know.  And I am so deeply humbled to have you all in my life.

Blessings, and so much love to you all,

~*~Walks~*~

A Step Closer to Freedom

And the pin has finally been pulled.

I wrote up and dropped off my letter of resignation last night to Starbucks.

I'm sure it will get lost and Shands will claim to have never received it.  And blah, blah, blah.  After Dec 1st, it's no longer my problem.  Just five more working days (had to request quite a few off as November is stuffed to the gills with obligations), and then I'm done.  I truly cannot wait.

Broke the 5k mark on the family tree.  I'm currently talking with various distant family members in New Zealand, Sweden, and Ohio.

And blah.  I've lost the motivation to write.

Pulling the Pin

I swear, I have Battered Woman Syndrome with Starbucks right now.

I knew that most likely we would go to Starbucks tonight.  I needed to pick up my tips for the week and check on next week's schedule.  So it would have been the perfect time to drop off my letter of resignation, stating Dec 1st as my last day.

And yet, all day, I debated if it really was THAT bad.  Or if I should stick it out until Dec 16th.

And it turns out, Shands fucked up the schedule for next week the EXACT SAME WAY HE FUCKED UP THIS WEEK'S SCHEDULE.

Sure, this week's schedule was a fuck up.  And we had this huge text battle for two days about it.  And then finally talked about it in person.  I was planning to tell him that day that Dec 1st would be my last day there.  But he was so damn apologetic and submissive and all around pathetic about it, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I felt like it would be on the same level as kicking a puppy in the face.

And you know what?  I should have football punted that bitch right then and there.

There is no way this is another "honest" mistake on his part.  We fought for TWO DAMN DAYS about it and I text him the SPECIFIC DATES I needed off.  And I stressed to him that in November, I have zero wiggle room for anything.

And he screws next week's schedule up the EXACT same way.  That is NOT an honest mistake.  That is a goddamn choice.

So thank you Shands, for reaffirming that I need to drop this job like a nasty habit.  I need to wash my hands of it right the fuck now.  There is NO way I can tolerate another month of this constant bullshit. 

Thank you Shands, for giving me the motivation to write my resignation letter and to turn it in tomorrow.

I am so incredibly done.

This is not the month to mess with me.  On the 23rd I go for my yearly gynecological visit.  And while that is stressful enough in and of itself...it's also when I face my yearly fear of cancer and am reminded of my own sexual assault.  So yeah, to say I'm on edge, is an understatement.

I was date raped.  The guy got away with it scot-free because I waited so long to say something to the police.

Turns out, fucker not only raped me, but he gave me HPV.  And of the hundreds of strains of HPV out there....I got one of the more aggressive cancer-causing strains. 

In 2010, I had a LEEP procedure (that did NOT go according to plan) to cut out a pre-cancerous lesion off my cervix.  And every year since then, I have to go back and get rescreened.  And the week after the gyno exam, I am a basketcase of nerves....hoping and praying that I do NOT get a phone call from the gyno.

See, if everything is ok, I'll get a letter from them about two weeks after the exam.  If everything is NOT ok, I get a phone call around 3 days after the exam. 

And it doesn't matter that since 2010, I've had nothing but normal PAP results.  I always live in fear that I'll get that phone call, and I'll have to go through that nightmare all over again.

So yeah, Starbucks is pretty low man on the totem pole here.  I don't have any more energy at this time to even give a shit.  Just gotta put the pin on this and walk away from the explosion.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful:

1. Friday is another double pay day, and they are BOTH really nice paychecks.
2. great birthday week thus far.  I truly feel so loved.
3. FINALLY, after years of watching and hoping and waiting and WISHING, I got one of the seal-skin pouches (like a coin pouch, but a bit bigger) by TundraBerry.  It all synced up in the wee hours this morning -- a pouch I liked, plus she was doing 25% off.  Yep, it's mine!  Can't wait for it to arrive.
4. I was able to hit the $4,000 in my savings account before my birthday (a big goal of mine for last year).  And that's with the crazy expensive car repair. 
5. still tweaking my 34 Goals for my 34th year, but they are shaping up fairly nicely.
6. all the genealogy I'm doing on MyHeritage.com -- I've connected with distant family in Ohio, New Zealand, and now Sweden. 
7. that I need to turn in my letter of resignation to Starbucks by the end of the week -- because my last day there will be Dec 1st, and I don't want to screw over my coworkers too terribly when I do leave.  It's getting so close, I can TASTE the sweet freedom.
8. awesome trip to the Fort Worth Zoo on my birthday.  I got a TON of amazing shots.  Now I'm working on slowly adding them to my Deviant Art account.
9. that in two month's time, I will be an official graduate student -- classes begin Jan 19th.  I'm excited and scared all in the same moment.
10. that Husband is finally taking advantage of his later shift at work, and getting up in the mornings to work out.  He's been a bit unhappy with the way he looks physically, especially since his 40th birthday -- and he feels so much better when he's more in shape.  I plan to join him in working out once Starbucks is in the rearview (that job is incredibly brutal on my body).

Birthday!

Let's play catch up, shall we?

Last I wrote, I was all geared up for a nice fight with the boss man -- that I had finally figured out WHY I was dreading it.  And why that was stupid.  So Monday, I was geared up and roaring to go.  And he was so apologetic and sorry and submissive, it just stole the snarls right out of my mouth!  I mean, I couldn't even tell him that December 1st will be my last day working there because it felt like I would be kicking a puppy.  In its FACE.  What the hell, man?!?!  ::sighs::  So I guess I'll just write a nice letter of resignation and leave that for him. 

Tuesday I had completely off of BOTH jobs because it was my birthday.  I turned the big 34.  Gods, how the hell did I get so old?  ::laughs::  Due to me staying up wayyyyy past my bedtime on Monday night, I wasn't planning on going to the zoo.  But my Mom called at 9 am to sing me happy birthday, and I figured since I was awake, I might as well go.  BEST DECISION EVER!

The zoo wasn't crowded.  The weather was GORGEOUS.  And just a great visit all around, even if my camera died before I was done.  I forgot to charge it the night before.  But I got STUNNING photos and really enjoyed myself.  I made it a point to go see the parts of the zoo I typically skip over (namely the hoof-stock, rhinos, hippos, and giraffes).  I had forgotten that our zoo has twin jaguar cubs, so that was a very cool surprise when I made it over to their side. 

And remember the Ghost Acorn I was talking about a while back?  Turns out the zoo has an even BIGGER acorn.  I got one of those on my way out of the zoo.  I plan to plant that one as well.  I'll need to get photos of it before then though. 

After that, I snagged a late lunch from Taco Bell and then took a DELICIOUS nap.  David got home around 9 pm and we did dinner at Red Lobster.  Then it was home to watch some Criminal Minds and then to bed.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, David decorated for my birthday.  So after my Mom had sung me happy birthday and I figured I should get up out of bed, I decided I need a home made Chai Tea Latte.  I came out of my room to see the huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's happy birthday banner up, with two birthday balloons, and a card waiting for me.  Totally made my morning. 

I need to finish the final tweaks on my 34 Goals for my 34th Year.  Maybe tomorrow?  ::grins and winks::

Power Dynamics

I have figured out why I’m so nervous (and totally avoiding) having the conversation with my boss that he wants to have. It’s about me being scheduled to work on a day I requested off MONTHS ago.

It’s because I was in the mindset that he, being the boss, has all the power. And me, being a lowly employee, have no power.

No wonder the Harpies have been chirping in my ear nonstop.

My MINDSET here is giving the boss all the power. He doesn’t actually have it. Any power that he does have? I am GIVING it to him.

And I’m done doing that.
I’m taking my power back.

This is my lil piddy Starbuck’s job. The one that over the course of last YEAR, I only made $6,000. Fuck that shit.

This job holds nothing but negativity for me.

So what’s the worst that can happen?

He’ll fire me? Oh pish. I’ll quit before then.
He’ll black list me in Starbucks so I can’t be hired back? Bitch, I won’t be back.
He’ll scream at me or advance to me in a manner that makes me fear for my physical safety? ::grins toothily and unsheathes her claws:: Please do. And see what happens.

Granted, this is Shands we are talking about and not Douche Bag Darrell (previous boss that did make me question my physical safety about a year ago), so I’m not too terribly concerned about him attacking me.

Honestly? I just want this shit over and done with. I’m ready to say my piece and let us move on to the next step – me telling him that Dec 1st (not the 16th) is my last day there.

Let’s do this!

Thinx

Alright, finally getting around to writing up the promised journal entry on the Thinx Period Panties.

Disclaimer Here: Understand that this journal entry will be all about menstruation, blood, and vaginas. If you are that big of a pussy that you cannot handle frank, honest discussion about said topics, then kindly fuck off already.

In a nutshell, I am SOLD on these.

I stumbled across a blog review about them on one of FaceBook’s ads and I kicked around the idea for a while before I finally took the plunge.

The main reason I took so long to purchase my first pair is because they are pricy. Or at least in my opinion, $34 for a single pair is pricy.

But seriously? So friggin worth it.

So basically, it’s a panty designed to absorb a tampon or so of menstrual blood. Now, as I’ve stated elsewhere, I do not use tampons. Haven’t since the mid-90s, so I had no clue how much a “tampon-and-a-half” was in regards to my flow. Turns out, on my super heavy day, the panty didn’t quite last 5 hours (that I was at work).

And the sizing is a tad small. In Victoria’s Secret panties, I wear a large. But with the Thinx, the large was a bit snug. So this second pair I’ve ordered, I went with an XL to see if that’s what I need.

I got the hiphugger in black. Because I HATE nude.

But they fit nicely. And for a non-flood day, they are perfect for my shift at work.

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me, when I use pads, my labia just ACHE by the 3rd day. I have a long menstrual flow – typically 5 days at least, but up to 8 days isn’t uncommon for me either.

But these panties? HEAVEN.

They are a bit bulkier than normal panties. But nowhere near as bulky as a pad.

I thought I might get a bit grossed out when it came time to rinse the panties (you rinse them before you wash them in COLD water – and NO DYER), but honestly? Not that bad.

Like I mentioned above, no dryer for this babies. They are sensitive. But seriously? It only takes a day to air dry and they are good to go again.

So bottom line? I plan to purchase quite a few of these bad boys to use. I will still have to use pads on my super heavy day (2 days of the bleed), but after that? I can use these and not have a sore, aching, TIRED pussy at the end! I’m in LOVE!

So bottom of the bottom line:
I’m poor. I don’t currently make a ton of money (we’re talking less than $25k a year), but I am still MORE than happy to drop $34 a pair on these panties. That’s one hell of an endorsement, in my honest opinion.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful.....

1. wonderful rainy/misty day and a wonderful long walk through the wooded trails with Holly.  No hobos.  No thugs.  No people.  Just me, Holly, the blue jays, squirrels, and wrens in the woods.  Talk about bliss.
2. feeling all domestic today.  I got the bedsheets changed (amazing how that changes the whole atmosphere of my room), did a few loads of laundry, cleaned all the plastic-ware (has to be hand washed), and am planning to take out the trash before I head to work.
3. wonderful, peaceful morning.  No Starbucks shift to screw it up all.  I was able to wake up when my body wanted to be awake, and then go about my morning as my heart dictated. 
4. standing my ground without trying to be a huge asshole with Starbucks.  Gods know they've more than earned me being a completely unreasonable bitch....but I was raised better than that.
5. the most amazing crab rangoon from Dragon Express last night -- and that it was David that suggested Chinese food (he's not always a fan).  But seriously, these things were to die for!  ::smiles::
6. tried out my pair of Thinx Panties (period panties).  I plan to write up a whole entry on those, but long story short -- I'm totally sold on these.  So much better than pads (and I HATE tampons).  I've already purchased another pair.
7. Jessica (one of my aids at the after school program) really stepping up and taking some serious charge.  She's planned some arts and crafts projects for the students, is planning a Winter Party, AND is single handedly reorganizing our closet/office/supply room.  I will certainly have to do something nice for her to show my gratitude.
8. feeling a bit better about my impending birthday.  It will be low-key, but that's fine.  Next year's birthday will find me and my husband up at Wolf Park.  I told him that last night.  ::laughs::
9. the downstairs neighbors are worlds better.  I haven't had to complain about them in a while now, and it's been a few months since I've had to call the cops.  It's great!
10. awesome coloring sheets Ridley (one of my students) let me copy a few weeks back.  I am having a blast coloring them.  So soothing.

Same Shit, Different Day

Another rough day at Starbucks.  Seriously, why the fuck do I even stay?

And it's not even like it's a brand new hell.  It's the same shit, different day.

Oh we ran out of half-n-half cream by 10 am.

Oh our second brewing urn has been broken for SEVEN months now.  Still haven't replaced it.

We had a BRAND-SPANKING new shift manager today that, I swear to god, looked like she was friggin' 12 years old.

And Shands (the boss) just now posted the schedule for NEXT FRIGGIN' WEEK.  Hmmm, thought Starbucks Corporate stated that we are supposed to have the current week up, PLUS the next TWO weeks?  Yeah.  Like THAT ever happens.

And guess what?  He fucked up the schedule again.

So, we have this blank weekly calendar that we are supposed to write in our time off requests that he is supposed to fill in the dates on for us.

He started November on a Monday (when it actually started on a Sunday), so the dates didn't match the days correctly.

So I wrote down the DATES I needed off.  One of those being this Sunday, because Monday I have a dentist appointment in my lil hometown.  (Because I'm a total creature of habit and comfort, and I've known this dentist for most of my life now and I don't want a new dentist damnit.)

I text him this morning, inquiring as to why I was working that day when I had asked for it off.  And he sent me a text back saying I didn't request that day off, and then sent me a photo of the time off request sheet......that HE had just changed the dates on to match the days....thus, making it appear that I did NOT ask for Sunday off.  ::growls::

I pointed out that I asked for specific DATES and it was all going fine, until he "Okay, we'll see what can be done for this week.  Would you be willing to switch with another partner for others days on this upcoming schedule?"

Most of the other partners work full time schedules.  I have a very limited time I'm available to work due to me running my after school program.  So I said that unfortunately, I couldn't do that, as November honestly has NO wiggle room.  Which is why I asked for my time off MONTHS ago.

And he retorted with "Okay, I'm sorry for the confusion, but I do expect you to work the days I have you scheduled for next week or find coverage."

Oh he was all willing to help before I said I can't take someone else's shift.  And now it's all my problem?  I was so pissed. 

I haven't responded yet.  But tomorrow I intent to text back basically saying "So wait.  Let me get this straight.  I put in the time off request for the DATES I needed off, MONTHS ago, like I am supposed to.  But because you messed up the time off forms and then changed them without double checking with people on the days they actually asked of for, it's somehow become my responsibility to fix your fuck up?"

And I feel like such a fucking moron.  I kept saying, "Oh, now that Darrell (previous boss) is gone, all this ass-fuckery is in the past.  It will be better."  And look at me now....it's the same damn shit.  Now granted, I don't foresee Shands acting like he's going to strike me (as Darrell did twice.....acted like he was going to...never did....I would have ended his life if he did), but this is the exact same shit Darrell did about the scheduling. 

And I've put up with this shit for TWO DAMN YEARS!  I just keep jumping from one abusive relationship to another it seems.  ::shakes her head::  At least the abusive jobs in child care paid worlds better!

So yeah, depending on Shands' response to me tomorrow (and I promise, it will be a polite version of my above text suggestion), I may or may not be working there ever again. 

And to make things even better?  I told all of this to David and he's like, "Fuck 'em."  And he likes the discount I get for being a partner and all that.  But seriously?   This is two years of the same bull shit.  It's just not worth it any more.

Trial By Fire

I am spiritually wrung out.
Full Moon. Then Samhain. THEN my Moontime. To say I am exhausted, mentally, spiritually, and physically is one hell of an understatement.

But I love this life, and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. ::chuckles:: I am a child of Chaos. And every time I forget that, Life knocks me sideways.

So I clawed and bit and fought tooth and nail to get both of my grad school classes as on-line classes. All because I didn’t want to actually got sit in class every Tuesday evening for three hours (missing out on at least 2 hours of pay at my job).

And Chaos smiles that toothy grin and says, “OK” rather gleefully.

So each of the online classes meets in person for two days out of the semester. No biggie right?

But remember, Chaos has a hand in this.

Info 5200 meets Jan 21st and 22nd, 8 am to 5 pm both days, in Houston.
Info 5000 meets Jan 23rd and 24th, 8 am to 5 pm both days, in DENTON.

Yeah, so I’m going to be driving the 4 hrs down to Houston Wednesday night (20th), and then doing 16 hours of grad level class, to then get out of class at 5 pm and haul ass 4 hours BACK up to the DFW area so I can then do ANOTHER 16 hours of grad level class.

This is either going to be the most brilliant thing I have ever done.......or the STUPIDEST.

Can we say, “Trial by Fire?”

So yeah, it’s looking like 2016 is going to start with one hell of a bang.

Samhain on Pause

written: Oct 31st

I have not celebrated Samhain yet.  I just have so much on my mind and plate at the moment, I barely feel like I can breathe at the moment.  I am a bit deflated and upset with a very nasty and grossly unprofessional encounter I had early this afternoon with the local Post Office manager.  And then spending a solid 20 minutes on the phone with either the absolute dumbest personal ever, or the most high, when lodging my official complain with the Postal Office headquarters really soured my overall mood for the day.

And then tomorrow I am working at Starbucks, and THEN I am babysitting for the Robinsons from 1 pm until 8 pm.  It is really going to make for a long day overall.  But at least it's the calmer shift at Starbucks (love those Sunday morning shifts to be honest), and the two Robinson kids are awesome.  So hopefully it won't be too crazy.

I am hoping to do my Samhain celebration on Monday.  It still falls close enough to the original date to still be viable.  I would rather wait a few days and properly celebrate it and honor my Ancestors, then to half-ass it on that date.

Once I get past Samhain, my birthday is looming on the horizon.  It's an interesting tug-of-war between excitement and apprehension.  I'm swinging between being excited for everything that grad school is symbolizing for me...and being utterly disappointed with how little I've "accomplished" for being 33 years old. 

I dunno why, but this year, I just feel like I should have done more, should have been more.  And I'm not even sure what this "more" is that I'm supposed to have or done...only that I haven't done enough.  And this is purely my internal feelings.  No one in my realm of friends or family has said and done one thing to make me feel like this.  Just me.  Just being really introspective currently.

Maybe that's another reason I'm procrastinating on celebrating Samhain.  I'm not sure how I will measure up in my Ancestors' eyes.  Especially since I've completely exploded on the genealogy front and have a TON of names and locations now for my Ancestors.

Oh well.  It will be what it will be.  There's no way to please all the world.  I have to do what is right for me and my immediate family.  Everything else can fall to the wayside.