Obsession

written: May 13th

Photo for today:



This is my current obsession. No, seriously. OBSESSION. Like borderline scary obsession. I’ve been trolling through the entire internet realm, scoping out various wands, trying to see if any call to me. And some parts of various wands call to me, but I haven’t found one that speaks 100% to me. I’m on the list for a custom wand by SRG-Wands. He’s made a lot of beautiful ones that I’ve seen all over DeviantArt, and I inquired about the possibility a few months ago about getting on his list, since his work is in HIGH demand.

It was his Atiesh Wand that grabbed me the most:



Which is saying something because Hawks, even though I enjoy them a lot, aren’t really a BIG totem animal for me. ::shrugs:: But the smoothness of all the lines is just beautiful.

And honestly? I don’t even know why I am OBSESSING over wands. I have a KICK ass athame that I adore, AND a bad ass spear. So when/how would I actually USE a wand?

But I can’t tell you how much I have enjoy trolling through Pinterest, Etsy, and Ebay just scoping all the various wands available, plus things that could be used as wands, even though that isn’t their original intended purpose. And THAT led to scoping various animal bones, horns, and antlers that I could make into wands, should I elect to go that way. All in all, I probably devoted a good 6+ hours into this obsession. ::laughs::

Overload

written: May 12th

The #CY365 photo prompt for today is “Currently Loving”:



I am currently loving my rose bush. It is on its second round of blooming. And I am currently loving this feather I found on my walk with Josey earlier.

I have been hearing a lot recently about Sensory Overload. And honestly, the more I hear about it, the more I feel it applies to a lot of my anxiety.

Take today for instance. The Music Teacher is spearheading a talent show for the elementary school I have my after school program at. And she didn’t tell me that she would be practicing in the cafeteria (our home base) today. The extra 20 students that it brought into the cafeteria at the most chaotic time of our program – right at dismissal, so we’re trying to account for all the students we’re supposed to have and get them snack and whatnot. And given that even though this Music Teacher is a great music teacher, she FUCKING SUCKS ASS when it comes to managing her students. So on top of supervising all of my students, tracking down three students that didn’t show for the after school program (luckily, their parents just suck at letting me know they would be picking them up after school), AND that I was a person short because Carli wasn’t there today….so yes, on top of all that chaos, I am ALSO having to coral HER fucking students. I am having to tell me they cannot interact with my students (that’s a MAJOR policy of our after school programs), that the after school program’s snacks are NOT for them, and neither are our supplies or games. Like seriously? Not only am I having to take care of the 20 students that are MINE, but I’m also having to watch HER 20 as well? FUCK THAT NOISE.

And used to I would chalk that up to them buggering up my “schedule” without at least giving me a heads up. Typically, if they give me a heads up, I can mentally prepare myself for the monkey wrench it will inevitably throw into my plans. But the more I look into sensory overload, the more it makes sense. I can handle my normal level of chaos. Working with children, you HAVE to be able to function in a certain level of chaos. But once it goes outside of those standard parameters? I turn into a the biggest bitch, snapping and snarling.

Needless to say, I’ve gone ahead and emailed said Music Teacher, suggesting that she has another teacher or a parent there with her. She needs to be able to focus on helping the students on their performances, but there HAS to be someone else there to manage the rest of her pack. And I’ve asked for her to let me know the days and times her group will be in the cafeteria so that I can plan around it. If nothing else, I will know what days I will need to stop by the liquor store (I pass it EVERY day on the way to work), and grab a bottle of tequila and need to just zone out after that day at work.

It just sucks because I keep looking at pages of information on sensory overload, trying to find new coping mechanisms that I can employ to keep the overload from being too much…and all the techniques offered are ones I cannot do at my job.

Like leaving the situation that is causing the overload. Yeah, can’t leave my students unsupervised.

Or resting a lot before the stressful day. Yeah, can’t do that if the fucking bitch doesn’t let me know until I’m right there in the thick of it.

Avoiding the situation that causes the overload? Yeah, can’t do that either.

I already have the decompression time worked into my day. I typically get home around 7 pm and my husband gets home around 9 pm. So I have 2 hours to just rest, relax, and veg the fuck out. And the setting limit is one that I’m working on – hence the email to the Music Teacher, setting up expectations (that she’ll have someone to manage her group of students, that she will remind her students that the after school program students and items are NOT there for them, and that she will tell me what days and times she will be in the cafeteria in the coming weeks). Hopefully next week won’t be this shitty.

Thankful Thursday #19

written: May 11th

I am thankful for….

1.       Random “rules” my brain comes up with governing how things should be done or ought to be done…and the fact that that same brain will then break those rules and challenge the status quo.

2.       Wonderful Full Moon Ritual I did earlier this evening.  I love how I feel after a ritual…akin to after great sex.  ::chuckles::  Mellow and happy and content.

3.       That the semester is over.  I didn’t achieve my 4.0 that I was wanting, but I still did well. 

4.       The ruckus crow family playing in my yard before I had to go to work today. 

5.       Getting to sleep in, now that I don’t have to be up at a certain time to do school work.  ::chuckles::  It’s really nice to sleep in each day until 10 am.

6.       Journals and blogs.  I like the place to reflect and ruminate on life and the various experiences it throws my way.

7.       That the back alleyway neighbor’s lilies are finally coming up and should be blooming soon.  I can’t wait.  I wish I had space in my yards that I could plant lilies….and daffodils. 

8.       That the cord I purchased to use with my flame kimono ritual robe turned out to be the perfect length.  I was concerned it might be a tad too long, but I used it in the full moon ritual earlier and it’s perfect.  And the color is almost identical to the robe itself, which is another awesome perk.  Now I just need to figure out how to finish off the ends, so the cord doesn’t unravel.

9.       Cinnamon Roll poptarts…..they aren’t as good as the frosted strawberry ones (that are my absolutely favorite), but given that I’m out of frosted strawberry poptarts…these are an acceptable second choice.

10.   Just three weeks left in the school year.  I don’t know who is looking more forward to summer break – my students, my high school aides (seniors), or ME.  ::laughs::  But suffice it to say, we are ALL looking forward to it and it doesn’t seem to be getting here soon enough.

Witchcraft in the Air

Ah, how I love the smell of witchcraft in the air! ::chuckles:: Ok, so really, it’s incense, but given that I only burn incense for ritual work, it has become the aroma of witchcraft to me. And I love it. Just fucking LOVE it. And I love the fact that my husband and I have separate bedrooms (for numerous reasons), and so I can burn incense and do ritual whenever my little Pagan heart desires. The longer I am in a relationship with my husband, the more grateful I am for how fucking amazing he is.

So anyways, back to witchcraft. I enjoyed a super low-key Esbat (Moon Ritual) this evening. I certainly had a less structured approach to ritual this time around and damn, I just loved it.

Full Moon Altar:



The focus of this Esbat was to set certain things in motion to aid in me achieving my dream of seeing the polar bear migration up in Churchill, Manitoba. I’m not going into specifics here. Gotta protect that little nest egg of a dream of mine, which includes the magick behind the scenes.

Even though my attitude towards the ritual was low key, I decided to bust out my snazzy red flame kimono robe Jen K made for me ages and ages and AGES ago.

Post ritual selfie:



And damn, do I feel GOOD after all of that. I’m happy and content. Practically purring. ::chuckles::

Devotion

written May 10th

Today’s #CY365 photo challenge prompt is “From Below”.
So enjoy a photo of Josey I took with my GOOD camera. She was at the base of the stairs, looking up at me at the top of the stairs.



My Mom called me earlier to ask if I had seen the moon rising yet. She’s out in the country, so she could see it just as it was beginning to rise, huge and red. I had to wait a bit longer for it to clear the trees in my neighborhood, so I saw it when it was orange and then bone white as it rose higher in the sky.

Tonight is the Full Flower Moon. I got my altar all set up but will do the ritual tomorrow.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m utterly exhausted this entire week. I think my body is just trying to recover from the insanity that was this semester in college. And now that the semester has ended, it no longer has to be on high alert. I can relax and my body is utterly worn out. Just three more weeks and the school year will be done for my after school program. Hopefully I will get that Friday (after the last day of school) OFF and get to rest and recoup before jumping into the Technology job.

And while we are on the subject of Hopes: I hope the Technology job is as smooth and uneventful as it was last year. Granted, last year was a clusterfuck because the Super Higher Ups had NO clue what the fuck was going on EVER….but it was steady work that took up the entire summer AND didn’t require a whole lot of brain power from me. ::chuckles:: Which is EXACTLY what I want for this summer.

I’m in a strange headspace…where I’m exhausted and just want to sleep, but am too wired/aggressive to actually sleep. Like, I want to make everything a fight. Like, I’m spoiling for a fight and am actively HUNTING a fight. ::shakes her head:: Wheee with the bipolar today.

Ok, so changing gears here. I’ve been watching WitchInTheBurbs on YouTube (I’m also subscribed to his mailing list) and the latest three videos he’s put up all touch on this “Goddess Immersion” idea. In his Coven, they do a goddess immersion for 30 days. For 30 days, you research a single goddess, you cook foods from that ethnic group (like Irish, Egyptian, African, etc), you read the myths surrounding/involving that deity, and research any rituals/cult behaviors pertaining to that deity. You would build an altar specifically for that deity and engage in daily devotionals.

And this concept really resonates with me. I could do this for Sekhmet. Another 30 days, I could do this for the Harpies. And so on and so forth as I work through each of the spirits/deities I work with and honor currently.

Unfortunately, the “SOS Inspiration for the Witch on the Left Hand Path” turned out to be a dud. Kimberly (the one who originally posted about it) got her copy and it seems to be just affirmations. Luckily, she told me that really quick and I was able to cancel my order of the book. Which completely bummed me out as I was looking forward to a new book. I’m still slowly treading through “A Witch Alone”, but WitchInTheBurbs mentioned “Devoted to You” by Judy Harrow, which talks all about the Goddess Immersion practice. So I snagged a copy of that for MUCH cheaper than the SOS book. So I have that to look forward to once it arrives. So the plan right now is to read through that book as soon as it arrives, and then come up with a time line on working through my various spirits/deities that are at the core of my Practice.

Dumbfounded

written: May 9th

Today’s #CY365 photo prompt is “In Your Face”:



Yeah, allergies are BAD currently, so this medicine is ALL UP IN MY FACE, trying to make it so I can breathe and so I won’t claw out my own eyes. I’m about ready to call my doctor up and beg for an allergy shot. And I HATE needles, so you know it’s bad if I’m ASKING to be jabbed.

We had a sub today, Sarah, whom I’ve worked with previous and really enjoy. And she shared some tales from other campuses she’s been at that just blow my mind. And it’s really shaken my belief in the after school program as a whole…and definitely my confidence in our leadership.

It’s easy to get caught up in my own little kingdom, as I refer to my campus. And because things are going pretty damn good in my kingdom and I don’t have a whole lot of contact with the other kingdoms, I just assume the other kingdoms are operating like my own. But apparently, things are horribly bad on some campuses. And ain’t shit being done to rectify this. And so, I’m sitting here a bit dumbfounded and astounded. And it makes me grateful for my little kingdom behaving so well these past 9 years. But I certainly can’t wait until I finish up my degree and can move on to a new chapter in my own life.

Monday Mutterings

written May 8th

Photo for today:



The first blue jay feather I’ve found here at the house. I do miss my wood trails by the old apartments (Pre-Hobo-and-Thug season). I think one year, I found a dozen or so blue jay feathers on my various daily walks with Old Lady Dog, Holly. Rest in peace, dear Holly. We’ll raise hell with you once David and I cross over.

I’ve been trying to delve deeper into “A Witch Alone”, but this first chapter is super “fluffy” and super Wicca 101. And I find myself utterly bored and grumpy with it. ::chuckles:: But it is good to brush up on the basics, even when I do not consider myself Wiccan. If nothing else, it’s nice to touch base on what facilitated the Break with Christianity. Actually, I had started breaking away from Christianity before Wicca entered the playing field. Wicca just gave me a direction to start heading.

Kimberly (a journaling buddy of mine) mentioned she ordered a book called “SOS Inspiration for the Witch on the Left Hand Path” by Bruce Peterson. It peaked my interest. I went to solely scope it out on Amazon, and ended up ordering a copy. ::laughs:: But I use Smile Amazon, so a portion of the money I spent will go to Wolf Park (the nonprofit I’ve selected to receive my donations), so at least a portion of the money is going to a good cause. ::smiles::

Well, turns out I didn’t do so good on my final project. I’m sure it was the budget section that brought the overall grade down. ::sighs:: So no, I won’t get my 4.0 this semester. For the Management class, I’m sitting at a 88. Sucks, but it is what it is. And a B is good enough for the degree, so I won’t have to retake that damn class. I’m bummed that my grade dropped to a B, but I’m so glad it is OVER.

I am still waiting for the final participation grade to be logged for my Preservation class and then I’ll know what that final grade will be. After that, I don’t want to think about college until the beginning of August. ::chuckles:: I just want to kick back and relax until then.