Regrets

Today is one of those truly odd days.  I am looking back on my past and facing certain regrets.  And they aren’t “normal” regrets (because nothing is ever friggin’ normal for me).  They are regrets about NOT having sex with certain individuals that I had an opportunity to, but didn’t, for whatever reason.  And I am truly talking about pure sex – not relationships.  Like there are certain people I wish I could have had as a fuck-buddy for a while, but nothing more.

1.       Wayne P. – my first hard core, truly teen infatuation.  Like it was painful how hard I crushed on him all throughout middle and high school and most of my undergrad years.  There’s no way it would have ever worked out long term, but I really wished I had made a move – he obviously liked me in return.

2.       Andy A. – my super crazy anarchist friend – but before he went so far off the rails.  Back when we were buddies and hanging out at The Church (a Gothic club).  He had a smile that made my heart flutter at times.  Beautiful blonde with brilliant white teeth and a fairly chiseled body.  Really wish I had tapped that when I’d had the chance.  But now, he’s so way out in left field I would be very nervous if he showed up in my life once more.  

3.       Clint L. – another high school crush.  I came very close.  I even attempted to break up with Jeremy (my boyfriend at the time) because Clint desired me.  A fateful band trip, that if Clint hadn’t been rooming with one of Jeremy’s best friends…I just may have at least made out with him heavily.  And holy hell, he had gorgeous arms.

4.       Random Buff as Shit Guy at The Church – damn we danced around each other for months, letting our bodies and eyes talk from across the room to each other.  One fateful night, I got the courage to approach him and strike up a conversation.  Drinks were had, we danced almost the entire evening.  He offered to drive me around in his Corvette, but even in my drunkenness, I realized that probably was not a good idea, so I declined.  He was the only man I’ve encountered that made me feel feminine and dainty even.  ::laughs::  Such a rare thing for me, given that I stand around 6 feet tall…this guy had to be 6 foot 4 at least.  Broad-shouldered, truly chiseled body.  A marble god come to life.  ::sighs wistfully::

I think those are the major four.  I’m sure there are other minor desires that I wouldn’t have minded having a one-night stand with, but they don’t come to mind.  These four are the ones that weigh on my mind today.

And it’s not like anything is wrong with my marriage.  I’m not seeking to replace my husband, or wishing about “greener pastures”.  I know that none of the above males could possibly be as good of a fit for me as my husband is.  I have zero desire to cheat on my husband.

But even this loyal Scorpio gets a bit wispy as times, and loves to daydream of shit I should have done when I had the chance.  ::chuckles::

Sexy

written: July 4th

I took a “sexy selfie” before my shower this evening. I was curious just how long my hair was. David had complimented my hair earlier, as I wore it half up when we went out to eat. Turns out, my hair is long enough to completely cover my breasts – which is no small feat, to be honest. And I just felt so beautiful, with my hair, wavy from being in a braid most of the day, covering my breasts. So powerful. So confident, in that moment, I decided to capture it in a photo. I even sent it to my husband! ::laughs:: Besides, it’s not like anything was showing. My hair covered more than my bathing suit does!

To me, this was awesome mostly because my anxiety has truly been kicking my ass all weekend. And finally, I had a moment that I could see my own beauty. I didn’t feel like hiding away. I felt radiant and I needed to capture that to remind myself that it is there, even when my mind denies it.

I plan to print a copy of the photo to place in my journal and my Book of Shadows. Maybe I will be so bold as to hang a copy up in my room?

That is one of the things I like about the Left-Handed Path. It encourages pride in self. It encourages positive sexuality and positive body image. All things I could certainly use more of!

I am tired of feeling like I don’t measure up to Society’s Standards of Feminine Beauty. And even more so, I’m tired of feeling like I should be ashamed and that I should hide myself away because I don’t meet these Society’s Standards of Feminine Beauty. Fuck that noise! I am ready to embrace some serious empowerment here.

I feel that the Krav Maga classes should help in the empowering department. I should go by the dojo sometime soon and see what the cost will be. They offer classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which work out fine for me, even once my after school program starts back up.

I believe...

Alright, I’ve been putting this off for far too long.

2016 Grimoire Challenge Question 1: What do you believe in?

Holy hell. Can we be any more broad? But then again…this is the question I get most when people find out I’m Pagan. What do you believe in?

I believe in the ideals of Free Will and Personal Accountability. We all have our lot in life, our roles to play out, but in the end, we have free will and can choose to behave/react in any way we so choose. There is no hell, no damnation in my belief system. But trust me. If you are an asshole, people will be assholes right back to you.

I do not follow the Wiccan Rede (I should also say I’m not Wiccan) which states “An ye harm none, do as ye wilt.” And I do not believe in the 3-fold Law (also Wiccan) that states that whatever you do, be it good or be it bad, will return to you three times over (though, there is debate if it means it will come back 3 individual times, or if it will simply come back once, but three times as strong as what you put out there).

I believe that Life does seek a balance. Every action has an equal but opposite reaction. Every action has a consequence, be it good or bad, and just because I exercise my free will does not mean I’m not accountable for the repercussions of my choices.

I believe that all deities are valid. I personally have very little dealings with male deities. I’m dedicated to Sekhmet. And I work heavily with Spirits (beings that aren’t quite deities, but are above humans) and Totems (spirit animals). I have zero dealings and zero tolerance for Fae (fairy folk) and most get banished the fuck out of my home the second they show up.

I believe in magick, and that in its purest form it is neither good nor evil. The intent behind the way it’s used and its outcome determines its positive or negative association. Will I hex/curse? You bet your ass I will. But I see hexing/cursing as a last resort type thing. I will pursue all other avenues I can before turning to that. But if someone is directly harming me or my family? I will hex. And I will lose zero sleep over it.

I don’t know what comes after this life. I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation or what form the After Life takes. I know there IS an After Life of some sort – dealings with ghosts and spirits have taught me at least that there is SOMETHING after. But that’s all I know. And I honestly? I don’t really care that much. I feel that there is too much here for me to do and experience to be worrying about what comes next. I’ll figure that out when I get there! ::laughs::

I think that’s about it for now. Though I’m sure I’ll continue to add to this as I roam through life.

Book of Shadows

written: July 2nd

So I had made a deal with myself that I would be a good lil Witch and write all the stuff down that I would put in my Grimoire/Book of Shadows.  And if I could do that until my birthday (November 10^th), then I would purchase a nice leather-bound 3-ring binder.  This is what I’ve decided I want my Book of Shadows to be.  I need the 3-ring binder because I am constantly changing my practices, so I need something I can easily remove things and add things.  

And I had every intention in holding true to that deal.  But then I finally answered the pull to go to Staples (I’ve been feeling this pull all damn day).  And there they had these lovely black leather 3-ring binders…..on sale.  ::sighs::  I mean, seriously?  How could I pass up a beautiful black leather binder, like what I WANT and it was only $10?  So of course….I bought it.  Because, it was just perfect.  Now, I definitely have to hold up the other end of the bargain.  I’ve got to seriously begin working in my Book of Shadows.

I’m thinking of asking one of my artistic friends if they would design a cover/title page.  Of course, I’d offer to pay them, as it only seems fair.  I wouldn’t watch children for free, so why would I expect an artist to do their job for free?  I’ve just got to figure out what exactly I want for a title page and then I can approach my buddies about commissioning them to do this for me.  I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m going to get caught up in making everything perfect…which means, I don’t do a damn thing.  Though, maybe by using a 3-ring binder, I can let that fear go.  And if I totally screw it up?  I can take it out and start all over again.  

Right now, I’m focusing on writing down a list of topics I want to cover in my Book of Shadows.  Then I can begin writing out my thoughts and how-to’s on the topics.  Then I can begin refining and using and refining some more on each of the things I’ve written about.  Or at least, that’s the plan.  Wish me luck, as I don’t have the best track record with sticking with a plan.  ::laughs::

NaJoWriMo, Grimoires, and Krav Maga

written: July 1st

 

It’s the first day of July, which means the first day of the National Journal Writing Month Challenge (NaJoWriMo for short).  I’m shooting for an entry every day, and around 500 words per entry.  Seeing as how I get off of work around 4:30 and the husband doesn’t come home until 9 pm AND I’m not taking any classes this summer, I figure I should be able to make the 500 word mark.  Hopefully.

I am finally getting my butt in gear and doing the 2016 Grimoire Challenge.  Yeah, just a few months behind, but it just matters that I’m beginning!  After watching a couple dozen (or more) videos on YouTube of various Witches, Pagans, Druids, etc showing their Book of Shadows and/or Grimoires, I’m rather geared up to begin on my own once more.  Hopefully this will stick a bit better this time around.

But back to the Grimoire Challenge, there are some journaling prompts that I’ll answer during the NaJoWriMo.  The lady creating these challenges, threw out a ton of “basic” questions that one typically answers in a Grimoire/Book of Shadows, but they do require a lot of thinking and some serious writing to answer them properly.  So I’ll be dividing and conquering those over the course of the month, plus any other ones she tosses out.

I’m housing-sitting for the Robinsons once more.  I’m hoping to really take advantage of the pool once more.  And the quiet house in the mornings when I let their dog, Sammie, out to answer the call of nature.  Hopefully I’ll get a bit of writing in at that time as well.

Sam (one of David’s coworkers, and a person we both just adore) spent most of the day with us.  I’m just glad she knew how to deal with a VERY excitable pup.  Josey didn’t even phase Sam.  I wish our dog was better behaved, but she’s getting better.  

We all snagged dinner from 5 Guys Burgers and Fries and ended up watching Gods of Egypt.  I was disappointed that Sekhmet didn’t appear in the movie, but they did a good job of hinting at Hathor’s other side (aka Sekhmet).  Over all, decent movie.

Sam left around 9 pm, and I was utterly worn out by that point from socializing.  I should do more socializing to build up a tolerance to it.  ::laughs::  My anxiety is getting worse – especially my social anxiety.  

So now I’m debating about going back to therapy.  Or maybe just taking some Krav Maga classes instead.  David suggested the self-defense as a way to combat my fears on multiple levels.  He feels that if I know I can handle myself in most situations, that it will definitely help my anxiety of being out in public.  And I have to say, it does make quite a bit of sense.  So the debate now is do I spend the money doing therapy that may or may not work…or do I spend the money on Krav Maga that may not help my anxiety, but will get me into shape and show me how to defend myself?  I’m kind of leaning towards Krav Maga.