Meh

I'm feeling a bit "meh" about my job and it's pissing me off.  All I'm pretty much doing at this point is all these fucking arts and crafts.  And it seems any time I try to step out of that role, I get into some sort of trouble.  Granted, it isn't major trouble.  But still.  I like feeling like I have room to grow and do new things.  I like having new challenges.  And I like feeling appreciated.

Not saying that I'm not appreciated at my job currently.  My director does regularly tell me she appreciates the hard work I do.  And quite a few of my coworkers do the same.  And certain patrons from time to time do as well.

But over all?  I just don't feel it.  ::shrugs::

I guess I'm just missing the direct impact I could see daily that I was having in the after school program.  Granted, that place had more than it's fair share of bullshit.  I definitely did NOT feel appreciated one bit by the higher ups.  But the parents, the teachers, and the kiddos definitely did appreciate me.  I miss having those connections with the students -- getting to see them progress from clueless lil kindergartners up to 5th graders with distinct personalities and opinions and senses of humor unique to themselves.  Even more so, when they would have younger siblings, so I would get to see the students that I had originally had has kindergartners, but are now in high school.

I also sorely miss working just part time for about the same pay as I'm getting working full time at the library.  Granted, the benefits at the library are better, and I don't have to worry about finding a job for the summer break, or having lean pay checks due to Winter Break, Spring Break, Thanksgiving Break, or the other various school holidays. 

Eh, enough of that.  I dunno.  I just feel like the core part of ME that makes ME ME is being eclipsed.  Like I'm hiding it instead of letting it shine.  And this job kind of requires it.  When people say shitty things (like how Black Lives Matters is a hate group just like the Klan) -- I am NOT ALLOWED to say anything back.  I am not allowed to speak up.  I'm not allowed to challenge them.  And I fucking hate that. 

I am a mouthy-bitch.  Ask anyone who knows me.  I speak up.  I've made it a point to speak up more.  Because my privilege shields me from a lot of the back-lash.  So I SHOULD speak up more, for those who cannot do so safely.  But my job requires me not to, and that just rubs me so fucking wrong.