Roses and Flames

Soooo, I learned a very important lesson a few days back.  You, in fact, CANNOT make rose beads in a plastic bin.  It turned rank so damn quick.  I’m talking, I gagged on the 3^rd day when I opened it up.  It was that bad.  So yeah, I ended up composting that back to the rose bush.  I also buried the two eggs I was keeping for her as well. 

In other news, I have been beyond restless today.  I just didn’t even feel comfortable in my own skin.  Like I was a snake, needing to shed, but not quite ready.  Just uncomfortable.  All damn day.  I was just pacing.  Finding something to entertain myself, only to be bored of it the second I sat down.  ::shakes her head::  Days like this also spike up my desire to engage in NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury).  So many times today the impulse to cut or burn would just spike up out of nowhere.  I’d have to find something to distract my mind for the next few minutes, until the desire dissipated. 

Beltaine is swiftly approaching.  Me, I’ll be celebrating Walpurgis Night instead, the night before.  I’ll be doing a bit of the ritual I initially wrote for my Coven.  I have pieces of bark that have come off my ancient mulberry tree.  On those, I plan to write various things that I want to burn away.  They’ll be burned in a fire I plan to enjoy that night.  Maybe I’ll have some of my roses there as well.  And I definitely want a bottle of mead.  I’ll pick some up this week.  Maybe my husband and I can grill some hotdogs and some s’mores as well.  The High Priestess wants to do some sort of e-celebration in this weekend’s Zoom meeting, so that should be fun.

Friday I had a Zoom meeting with Dustin.  And he again broached the subject of me doing virtual story time.  I’m tired of this song and dance, so I just told him that I have a psycho ex who would see this as me reaching out to him in code.  And that the last thing I need right now is this guy popping back up into my life.  Dustin did ask if I had a restraining order and was puzzled when I told him I did not.  But then I explained that the restraining order would have to tell him where he wouldn’t be allowed to go – thus telling psycho ex exactly where I live, where I work, and where my husband works.  Dustin was shocked by that.  Yeah, I’ve been down this road before and Dustin obviously hasn’t.  ::shakes her head::  He did ask if he could share that information with Paul, as Paul’s been asking why I’m not the one doing the virtual story times.  I consented because, honestly, I’m tired of holding on to this shit. 

Which, I think it’s time to use the banishing incense.  It will go into the Bel Fire along with the other shit I want OUT.  I’m ready to really close that chapter of my life.