Blessed Samhain

ART: Mystical Mist, Fallow Deer
ARTIST: Mark Smith

Told you Deer is popping up in my life currently.

Blessed Samhain.  This is the night to pay respects to those who have Gone Before us.  Our Ancestors.  The Veil between this world and the afterlife is thin and spirits pass freely.

More and more I feel my own soul slowing waking back up.  It's like a bear just beginning to awaken from hibernation.  Lots of stretching needed and lots of nourishment.  But I'm getting there.

Tonight, I decided that since it's Samhain, one of my favorite Sabbats, and close to the full moon, it was the perfect night to bless, cleanse, consecrate, and dedicate my athame.



A nice, quick ritual.  I even used the red and gold flamed kimono robe that Jennifer made for me ages ago.  I loved it.

So my hefty blade has now been blessed and is ready to go.  I can't wait to really start using him in a variety of personal rituals. 

I have plans on how I want to make his sheath.  I've decided that honestly, I need to be the person to make it.  I keep wanting to get other people to do the sheath or the beading.  But honestly, I know I am the one who needs to do it.  I'm just nervous I'm going to screw it up.  Just gotta trust in the process and know it will turn out just fine in the end.  *smiles*

Antlered Crown

Art from: Running Blind
 

I know. 
Another Antlered Woman.
I warned you (in a previous post) that I love these images. 
Not sure why.  Just the heathen woman in me.

Antlers are a symbol of power, of might, of strength.
They are the weapons of PREY creatures.
Deer can fend off wolves with these.
So even the meek can be POWERFUL.
That's what antlers mean to me.

I get exhausted....trying to be a Predator all the time.
Being Strong.
Being Powerful.
Being Forceful.
Being Commanding.
Dominating.  Controlling.  In Control.

It's exhausting. 

While I do link with predatory animals the most.....wolves, harpy eagles, venomous snakes, polar bears....
The deer has always held a special place in my heart too.

Gentle....it walks softly....almost caressing the earth beneath its hooves.
Big, deep, soft brown eyes of liquid understanding and compassion.
Velveteen nose.
Slender, graceful hooves and legs.

And in flight?  Racing through the brush and meadow?  Poetry in motion!

But don't let that gentle demeanor fool you.
Don't buy whole-heartedly into that illusion.
Those dainty lil hooves can crack bone...even skulls.
And those antlers can tear even the fiercest predator to ribbons.

The Antlered Woman is all of that embodied.
Gentle, kind, graceful.
Yet poised, powerful, and dangerous.
All in the same breath.

A true embodiment of Yin and Yang.
Exactly what an enlightened woman is.

That's what I'm striving towards.
To earn my own Antlered Crown.

Lil Hawk

Art from: faelands

 

I've always been fascinated with women with antlers.  Just love the way it looks.  I'd love to have my own antler headdress/crown.  One of these days....

Awesome thing happened on the way home today.
As I pulled up to the four way stop by my apartment, I noticed a Sharp-shinned Hawk perched on the lamp post.  For me, Autumn is ruled by the Hawks, as that's when I really begin seeing them again.
So I'm sitting at this four way stop, waiting for the other two people to go when the Hawk drops down from the lamp post and flies straight at my windshield.
I'm talking, I'm eye level with this bird. 
And right when I think she's going to smash into my windshield, she subtly shifts her wings and soars a mere 6 inches over my car.
Talk about impressive.

Sacred

ART: Regal Warrioress
ARTIST: Art-of-Sekhmet

I've been battling a near-constant headache for the past two weeks.

It's fluctuating between just a dull, irritating ache (just strong enough for me to be aware of it) to the cluster headache and migraine levels.  Personally, I'd rather just have the cluster headache, as I know it only lasts a minute or two of excruciating pain before fading out for the day.  Migraines last for hours and bring the nausea and sensitivity to light, noise, and most especially smell.  Any strong smells (regardless of pleasant or unpleasantness) makes me vomit.

I was tempted to go back to the doctor about it, as all the normal medicines I have aren't working.  I no longer have any migraine medication as they've been gone for so long.  But I just can't afford it, even with my health insurance.

Just going to the doctor is a $30 copay.
Then, pretty much any prescription she gives me will cost me around $45.
If she wants me to do another MRI, that's $500 out of my pocket to do. 
That's all money I just do not have.

So last night, I felt a nasty headache creeping up on me and I decided that laying on the couch wasn't doing it any good.  It was simply getting worse.  So why not try something new and different?

I did 12 minutes on the elliptical.
And you know what?  It helped some.
As long as I kept my eyes closed and focused on just keeping my body in alignment as I ran, my headache dissipated.
Exercise is one of the things the various health websites recommended about keeping migraines and cluster headaches at bay.  They recommend 30 minutes of exercise at least 3 times a week.  I'm focusing on doing 10 to 15 minutes on the elliptical daily, plus walking Holly, and focusing on getting up and moving more at work.  We'll see how that goes.

Then, I got to surfing the various blogs I check out from time to time, and I landed on Pink Coyote's blog.
Her most recent entries are all about seeing yourself as Sacred.  And bam, that just hit me so hard. 
I felt like the great Cosmic Wolf had just picked me up by the scruff of my neck and shook me as hard as She could and barked at me, "PAY FUCKING ATTENTION, PUP!  WAKE THE FUCK UP!"

I haven't seen myself or my body as sacred in a long time. 
I used to be able to touch pelts and see things.  Feel things.
I used to write poetry and sensual prose.
I used to be so much more in tune with the world around me.

I'm not sure when I began to shut down or even how long I've been shut down and closed off, but I can tell you this.  This way of living is not meant for me. 

I am meant to hear with my heart, my spirit, my soul.
I'm meant to shapeshift more often and deeper.
I'm meant to connect with animals and the natural world.

I'm not meant to be locked away in my room.
To be playing those mindless games on Facebook instead of creating.
To be looking at the natural world so coldly, so clinically.

I'm tossing off my binders.
Breaking my chains.
And busting out of this damn cage once more.

I'm honoring my Self, my Spirit, my Body as Sacred.

So once I was done with my time on the elliptical, I took a cleansing, ritual shower.
I made the whole thing a ritual.  I cast a Circle around my bathroom.  I showered with a purpose...to cleansing myself of all the negative crap.
After that, I headed out to the balcony with a stick of incense to smudged myself down completely and to say my prayers.

I certainly feel better.
I feel more alive.
More grounded in this body and grateful for it.
My spirit is flittering around inside.
And I'm grateful for that. 
Just got to hold onto this.  Make it a priority.

This is Me

ART: Beast Master
ARTIST: TheBastardSon

I'm feeling all snarky and fangy and wild.
I blame it on the cool weather that has blown in.
I blame it on the upcoming Samhain....the thinning of the Veil between this world and the Afterworld.
I blame it on the upcoming Full Moon.
I blame it on my MoonTime coming to an end.

I have Patty's journal right now, and since I know she did one fucking page in my journal, even though she had it for 3 fucking weeks, I'm finding it very hard to give a damn.  I don't really want to work in it.  I find it insulting that she could only find the time to do one goddamn page.  And all she did was write.  It wasn't like she was painting or drawing or even gluing things in.  Just one simple, handwritten page.  Nothing fancy at all.  I just find it a slap in the face.  So I'm pretty sure I don't be doing any more swaps with her. 

Mike's party last night was a bust for David and I.  I've had a two week long headache going on, and we only knew like three people there.  I'd taken headache medicine, so I couldn't drink.  Besides, I don't like huge crowds of people I don't know...hence why I was never a fan of the bar scene.  So yeah, we stayed maybe 2 hours and came home.

We opted out of going to the Ferrari thing.  And I'm not going to ritual tonight either.  I'm just not feeling it.  And the headache is still hanging out, just off stage.

A friend of mine sent me the following message on Facebook:
"What do you believe? Pagan wise? I believe nothing and I respect you more than almost everyone else in the world. Please teach me of paganism."

My answer:
"oh geez, where to start? Paganism is so friggin' broad that it covers just about anything. my Path is more of a blend of Native American elements, shamanism, goddess worship, witchcraft (not to be confused with Black Magic), Gypsy magick, plus a bit of LeVay Satanic theology tossed in.
no hell, no heaven.....afterlife is what you make of it.
i live by the general premise of do unto others as you would have them do unto you......but if they cross me, i have no problem seeking vengeance. loyalty is given to those who deserve it.
i'm personally dedicated to the goddess Sekhmet.
i seek to align myself with the natural world, as that is where i find harmony personally."

And that's just me in the broadest of sweeps.

I know most people will read the whole thing and latch onto just the part of LeVay Satanic theology, so let me explain that a bit better.
I've read just bits and pieces of the Satanic Bible (really do plan to read the whole thing one day), and parts of it really stuck out to me.  The main one was LeVay's rant against the whole "Love thy neighbor as thyself" spiel.  His reasoning?  If you love a pedophile to the same degree and level and depth that you love your own mother, doesn't that cheapen and insult the love you have for your mother?  I found that to be a very eye opening statement.  And it really struck a cord with me.

I'm not Wiccan.
I don't worship a god.  Sure I tip my hat to him, just as I tip my hat to Christ and to Buddha and to any other holy people.  But I don't take a knee to them.
Guess that's my touch of arrogance.  My jaded view on male divinity.  I'll tip my hat and not be too disrespectful, but don't expect me to fall to my knees for you.
 

So this is me.
I'm a bit less tame than most would like.
I'm a bit more outspoken now. 
There's a bit more violence in my heart than most would prefer.
I'll go to the ends of the earth for those who have earned my loyalty and love.
But I'll only go so far for those who haven't earned it.
And for those who have earned my distrust, disgust, dislike?  Hell, you better count yourself lucky if I don't add to your misery. 
It takes a lot to get on my bad side, my bad list....but once you're on it, there's pretty much no coming back.

So this is me.
Take it or leave it.
I don't really give a shit.
Those who love me, know I'll go to bat for them any time, any where, no questions asked.
And those who don't, well, you might as well shut your mouth and walk away and count your lucky stars I'm not coming after you.

Voted

Yep, I got up early (a truly herculean feat for me as of late) and went to our Municipal Building and cast my vote.  I took a book along (Demon: A Memoir by Tosca Lee) as I was expecting a long line.  Nope.  I didn't even have to wait.  I was in and out in under 6 minutes.  Smooth operating.  Now it's just a waiting game to see how the chips will fall in this election.

Depression has been running rampant in my head these past few weeks.  I'm sure if I had the ability, I would sleep 12 hours a day easily for months on end.  I've upped my medication and have seen some improvement, but not enough to banish the depression (and the desire to cut that always comes with it) completely.

This weekend is jammed packed with activities.  I'm exhausted just looking at it, to be honest, but they're all things I want to do.

Friday is an early release day for the students, so we report to work at NOON (instead of 2:15) and work until 6:30 pm.  The extra cash will be nice.  After work is Mike and Lillian's Halloween Party.  I was going to make something to take over there, but I'm just too exhausted (MoonTime started on Tuesday, which saps a lot of energy out of me).

Saturday is the Boardwalk Ferrari Fall Conscorso -- 60+ Ferraris on display and it's FREE to the public.  The next showing won't be until sometime in the Spring, so I would really like to go to this. 

Saturday night is the Coven's Samhain ritual.  This is the first time the Coven is having one, as we usually go to Raven's for her public ritual.  I always bow out of that because I'm just not a fan of public rituals and I think that Samhain isn't the best ritual to make public.  It's my favorite holy day and yet, I feel like most of the public wants to be there just in hopes of seeing something cool/creepy/spooky etc.  I just find it disrespectful.  *shrugs*

But after that, it's a nice quite Sunday, that I'm sure I'll sleep in until noon and just be an utter bum the rest of the day.

Snarls

Art: Leopard
Artist: Volodymyr Burdyak

Man, work is just one beat down after another.
Thankfully, my students....my coworkers....and my bosses are awesome.
Now if only I could get the other mother fuckers (insane parents and asshole PTA volunteers) on board, then it would all be gravy baby.

But I am not holding my breath.
Nor betting on that horse to cross the finish line any time soon.

None of the places I've applied for a pharmacy have called me back.  No nibble on my bait what-so-ever.
So I might just have to through Anthem College and pay my $15k to break into this job field up here.

David's job is eating him alive, ever so slowly.  He's so miserable.
He's looking into being a physical therapist assistant, and gradually working his way up to being an actual physical therapist.

We're just not sure how we are going to be able to afford it financially.  It's going to be expensive.  Plus, with Anthem College, I have to do like 9 months of full time UNPAID internship.  That's 9 months, where David is having to carry the full weight of our bills and living expenses. 

I dunno which path is right one at the moment. 
Jump or not jump, that is the question.

Seriously.
If I were allowed to backhand just a handful of bitches each month, it would seriously fix so many of the problems at my current job.
And I'm not greedy.  Just let me slap one bitch a month.  I'd be fine with that.

New Photos of Leviathan

Just some new photos of Leviathan.  She's been out and about in her tank, making for some nice photos.


I love the reflection in the glass.


I liked this one where she was using herself as a pillow.


A nice smile.


Another nice smile.


Not quite all the way under her turtle shell (cement) hide....and the barest tip of her tongue out.  :D

Thankful Thursday....er....Friday!

ART: Gerda 3
ARTIST: silverwing_sparrow

Wow.  Who knew caribou had such large feet?  I know I didn't.

I am thankful:

1. that this work week is over and was relatively sane.
2. hilarious students that always give me a good laugh.
3. rediscovering a book (Women's Rites, Women's Mysteries) that I had given up for lost.
4. serious drop in temperature -- our high tomorrow is only 53!  Woohoo!
5. nice, long, three-day weekend.  I'm planning to hit the zoo on Sunday.
6. finding a number of interesting groups of MeetUp.com.  I've found some photography groups and wildlife groups that I plan to check out soon.
7. working on sanding down a bit of my athame's handle.  I've found out that I really enjoy working with my hands.  Wish I could do more of that.
8. working in Annette's journal at the moment for a quick little swap I'm hosting. 
9. David took part of yesterday and part of today off, so it was nice to hang out with him a bit before I had to go to work.
10. great check-in with my psychiatrist.  I go back in December and at that point I'm going to ask about checking-in every 6 months instead of every 3 months.