Father Thoughts

My father has been on my mind a lot here recently.  Mostly me debating if I want to make contact with him or not.  I have come across his LinkedIn profile and that would be the way I would reach out.

I haven't because, I'd have to remake my LinkedIn profile and can't be arsed to do so yet.

And, I keep asking myself "Why?  Why do I want to get in contact with him?"

It's not because I'm wanting him back in my life.  Because I don't.  It's been 20+ years now since I sent him the Fuck Off Letter.

It's not because I'm even missing the concept of a "father".  Because I'm not.  He hasn't been an active part of my life since I was in elementary school, so I've come to terms with the "father figure" and don't have a need for it any longer.

It's not because I'm worried I'll regret not being in contact with him and he dies.  Because I already plan to go piss on his grave once he kicks the bucket.  Just wish I had a dick, because it would make this a whole lot easier.  But I figure, since I don't, it means I have to put in the extra effort to piss on his grave, so it will have more meaning.

It's not even because I'm wanting to catch up.

I guess, mostly, it's more about asking him Why.  Why he elected to just check out of our life completely.  
But, honestly, it doesn't mean I'll GET an answer.  And I have zero clue if it would even make a difference in my life to know why.

And, partly, because I would love to rub it in his face how well I'm doing.  The fact that he never has and never will meet my husband.  And the fact that he'll never meet his only biological grandchildren, because I seriously doubt Bro will ever risk our father disappointing Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces.  

And if Bro WERE to invite our father to be a part of their lives, and if our father WERE to disappoint Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces?  I would scorch the earth to ensure it never happened to Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces ever again.  

I highly doubt I'll ever reach out to contact him.  The odds of it being a productive conversation are very low.  And the odds of my aggression/hurt over this whole situation are SUPER HIGH.  

And honestly?  If it isn't adding anything GOOD to my life...why bother?

Day One

Welcome 2023.

Word of the Year: Proactive
adjective
1. serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or challenging one; anticipatory

Proactive is the opposite of reactive. Actions that are proactive are initiated not in reaction to a situation but instead out of a desire to make a positive change, prepare for a situation, or prevent something from happening.

I want to be more proactive this year, instead of reactive. I want to take charge of my swimming through life, instead of just floating along, dealing with whatever comes along. Why not elect to meet that head on, instead of waiting until it’s an issue?

Spirit Messenger of the Year: Black-capped Chickadee
“Take your eyes off your problems and fears, and set them on your goals.”
- often associated with extroversion and charisma
- symbols of friendship and agreeability
- due to their various vocalizations, they are associated with communication
- the presence of a chickadee may indicate the correct path to take
- it is a lucky little symbol that nature itself recognizes you as a positive spirit
- symbolic of guidance, honesty, tenacity, and courage
- uniquely gifted communicators
- success in creative pursuits
- intensely protective of their “flock”
- trust your gut instincts
- symbol of friendship and “found family”
- cut down on needless spending and save for a rainy day

A damn fine spirit to work with. But holy shit, that last line caught me unawares, but damn do I need to hear it. It is one of my goals this year, to be a LOT more mindful of where my money is going. Because I have been less than frugal with my money in 2022.

Not that this was necessarily a bad thing. I am making a nice paycheck. I stay current with all my bills PLUS adding a good chunk to my savings each paycheck, and THEN have fun with my money. But I need to be significantly more disciplined with the handling of my finances.

But I could be doing so much better. I need to stop buying things just to have them. I want to focus more on EXPERIENCES than belongings. So lots of clearing out the clutter and downsizing for me this year.

2022 Tabula Rasa

The Tabula Rasa ritual is one of the very few rituals that I’ve done just about every year since 2003 (I think it was 2003, or maybe 2004). In it, I take stock of everything that has occurred for me over the year – the good and the bad and everything in between.

It’s easy to forget the highlights of the past year. And even some of the darkest points, I forgot about those as well. So going back through my journals, blog, and whatnot, it is good to stop and take stock in everything I have accomplished and/or endured over the past year.

And then....I wipe the slate clean for the new year. I leave all the negative shit in the past year, bringing forward my strengths and accomplishments to root me on in the coming year.

So yeah, 2022 was a shit year for the World.
But for me personally? It was a pretty damn good one.

I mean, sure, I had that suicidal period in June. And fights with my current boss. But honestly? On the whole, when I stop and really take stock? 2022 was a pretty damn good year for me.

I’ve put myself out there and tried new things. I’ve drawn my line in the sand and defended my boundaries. More and more, I am becoming so much more comfortable in my own skin.

So, onwards and upwards into 2023. I’m not “hoping” it will be a kinder, better year. I’m going to MAKE it a kinder, better year.

Ivory Tower

What’s this? TWO entries in one day? What is this insanity?

::laughs::

Eh, I gotta get this out because I’m getting keyed up again.

SO. The library branch I work at is closed for the next 3 weeks. The Higher Ups asked up what two branches we would like to work at while our branch was closed. I picked my Previous Branch (because I wanted to hang out and be snarky with Carly AND could possibly finally meet my adopted Grandma) or TG (because it’s closer to my house AND I know the manager and she’s friggin’ awesome).

Instead…the Higher Ups decided I should report to the Ivory Tower (what Carly and I call the Main Branch)......to the CHILDREN’S FLOOR. For those of you new to the story, I USED to be a children’s librarian. But their head honcho is a major cunt and I ended up switching over to a “regular” librarian AND leaving my Previous Branch. The last thing I want to do is go work on the Children’s Floor at the Ivory Tower. Plus, it’s not like I was really asked. Well, they SAID I could say no....but the way they said that really meant don’t you dare refuse.

So yeah, I get to drive 40 minutes, one goddamn way, IF the traffic is playing nice (which it almost NEVER does), so that I can go work on the children’s floor, even though I am NOT a children’s librarian and haven’t been for almost a year. And I have made it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to EVERYONE that I have ZERO desire to work with children in any capacity.

Oye, THREE WEEKS of this shit. ::sighs::

On the upside…one of my long time friends works close to the Ivory Tower and I haven’t seen him in AGES. So we are planning to do lunch at least once and catch up. But yeah, that’s about THE ONLY plus side.

::wanders off, continuing to grumble and bitch about this::

Border-Line Obsessive...

For the past few months now, I’ve been dreaming of my First Crush at least once a week.

And I friggin’ hate it now. I mean, what’s the point? Nothing ever happened between us. I was too chicken shit to say anything. Beyond terrified of rejection, not to mention reject by my First Real Crush.

I’m talking, heart-sick level crushing. Border-line obsessive.

And this was back in middle school and high school. AGES ago. I haven’t even seen him since I left my lil hometown to go to college in The Big City. So we are talking going on 20+ YEARS here. So why the fuck is he constantly walking in my goddamn dreams?

Well, I mean, I’d rather have him in my dreams than psycho-ex, so I guess there’s that benefit.

But it does NOTHING but bring up all that unrequited love feelings.

I will admit, a while back, I did find his wife’s FaceBook profile and scoured through their photos until I could find ones of him. And lemme tell you, he has changed a LOT. But I could immediately tell it was him. (I did mention the border-line obsessive, right?). I ended up blocking her account JUST so I wouldn’t continue to essentially STALK him. ::sighs::

Sometimes it seriously sucks being a friggin’ Scorpio.

NoJoMo #4: What does your typical holiday meal consist of?

NoJoMo #4: What does your typical holiday meal consist of?

Depends.  What holiday are we talking about?  Because what I eat for Easter is different than Valentine's Day which is different from Christmas, which is different from my birthday.  And yes, my birthday IS a holiday for me.  Anyone else that would like to join in on the festivities, this year it begins Nov 10th (my actual birthday) and lasts until Nov 14th.

I will be trying out Tommy Tamales.  I've been following them on Facebook for a year or so, but haven't made it over to try their tamales out just yet.  The photos of their Smothered Tamales never fail to make me drool.  Two tamales (your choice of chicken, beef, vegetarian) smothered in chili and queso.  Oh hell yeah, gonna FEAST on that amazingness.  And since it's my birthday, I'll snag sushi at some point.  Gotta have my yearly dose of all the unagi I can eat.

And then, since it's on my mind, I need to start gathering up all the items I need for New Year's Day meal.  Black-eyed peas, cornbread, greens, and pork are all required items.  Which, I have a recipe that makes a KICK-ASS dip out of the black-eyed peas.  Like, I personally HATE black-eyed peas and would gag down one SINGLE spoonful each New Year's Day.  But this dip, I've made multiple times throughout the year and gladly eat all the black-eyed peas, it is so good.  I'll have to find that recipe and share it.

And for all the rest of the holidays?  Breads and cheeses are the only common thing in all of them.  ::shrugs::  What can I say, I'm a simple girl at times.

Now, ritual days are different.  There's usually wine of some sort or pomegranate juice.  And then as far as food goes, I have a fried honey cake recipe I typically use.  Or fruits, breads, and cheeses.  Seriously, I love me some good bread and cheese.  ::chuckles::

NoJoMo #3: Share your favorite joke

NoJoMo #3: Share your favorite joke.  The sillier, the better!

Eh, I don't really tell jokes?  I mean, my husband and I say things in the moment that are hysterical, but actual jokes?  No, not so much.

So instead, I will recommend that you go watch Sheena Melwani on Facebook and all the clips between her and her father.  Friggin priceless.  And that will give you PLENTY of fabulous dad jokes to last you a good long while.