Ok-ish

Ok, as of Thursday, I have heard from all family and friends in Ukraine.  Most are out already.  But one family decided to stay.  They were in Odesa originally, when it was first attacked – a Dad (whom I am friends with), a Mom, a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter.  Technically, the mother and daughter could have left Ukraine.  But they are Jews – they have no extended family to go to.  And to say that Poland doesn’t exactly elicit warm fuzzy feelings for them is an understatement.  The father and son would be required to stay and fight.  So, as a family, they decided to face the One Unknown together, than Two Unknowns separated – they are headed to Kyiv to all fight.  And I understand their desire to stay together – the real fear of separation – the fear of part of your family being sent off to Poland.  I get that.  And my heart breaks that THIS is a choice they’ve had to make – to have to lead your children into war.  But I respect that, and I am praying HARD for them daily.

So yeah, if you are asking if I’m ok – don’t.  Because I’m not.  I’m holding it all together, don’t get me wrong.  But yeah, I’m a fragile mess right now.

Hubs and his mom are doing well.  They had a rough patch yesterday, as that’s when his mom brought home George’s ashes.  Kind of really solidified his death fully.  You can’t pretend now that he’s still at the hospital or anything like that.  But other than that, they are both doing quite well.  We’re planning to hopefully go up there in May for a week or so.  We were HOPING to go in April, but apparently that is the month that most of my coworkers are taking vacations and with me being the newest one to their team, they get first dibs.  So May it is.

Yeah, I think I may go into some serious filtering of my social medias.  If you surround yourself with a shit ton of people who are utter garbage…it really makes me question why the fuck I’m friends with you.  And right now, if you have a bulk of Putin apologists as friends?  Why the fuck would I want to be around someone who caters to that? 

The Hits...

…they just keep on coming.

Hubs’ father passed yesterday. I was already on my way home from work – got to leave early because weather was (and still is) absolutely wretched in Texas. My normal 25 minute drive home took me an hour and a half. Which was sending him into a panic, worrying that something terrible had happened to me, and that he was going to have lost his father AND his wife in the same day.

And then today? Today, waking up to the news of Russia’s attack on Ukraine. I dunno. I’m honestly at a loss. Like, I knew it was coming. But I didn’t realize how close it was, and what Putin’s targets would be. And I’m just sick to my stomach, trying to get in touch with friends and super extended family in Kyiv and Odessa. Luckily, most of the super extended family is along the Polish-Ukrainian border, so they are out of harms way for the time being. But yeah…the radio silence from them all is crushing.

And the crazy thing is in my dreams last night, Ares, the god of war, made an appearance. Granted, the gods have been making big appearances in my dreams recently, but it’s usually ones I’ve worked with, or are currently working with. Ares? I’ve never worked with him. I’ve never had any desire to work with him. And he just straight up plops his ass into the middle of my dream that has NOTHING even remotely to do with him – in full war regalia.

Chaos

Can we just go ahead and agree that Chaos is my middle name? Even if I’m not actively seeking it out (which, yes, sometimes I DO do this…because, well, I’m a creature of Chaos, and normalcy just bores me to tears at times), it does seem to come knocking.

I am settling in at work. For the most part, I am beyond thrilled with my new placement. It’s closer to where I live which lifts a huge stressor off of my shoulders. It eliminates a very dangerous portion of my commute AND cuts my toll fees in half, so that’s nice. My manager actually wishes I had MORE blue in my hair, because it’s her favorite color. ::laughs:: One of my coworkers has a minor in herpetology and another coworker is big into cosplay, paints her own D&D minis, AND has two 3d printers for said minis. Like, I’m nowhere even CLOSE to being the biggest nerd here. ::laughs::

I know, I know. You are saying to yourself, But Wolfie, when are we going to get to this chaos you teased us about? Hold your damn britches, I’m getting there.

Like I said, FOR THE MOST part, I am beyond thrilled. For the rest of it? Hmmm, this is not a good branch for an introvert. Everyone knows everything about everyone else. I told my manager on the first day that I would have my phone on me, as we are waiting for notification of my father-in-law passing (that’s another Chaos thing that I will get to). And when that happens that I would need to go home to be there as support for my husband. Not to be cold-hearted, but I’ve only met the guy two or three times…and he wasn’t the nicest of people. ::shrugs:: So his passing doesn’t really impact me one way or the other. But I know it will have a huge impact on my husband and his mother, therefore I need to be home to support them. We talk about a few other things before heading out onto the main floor, where my manager walks up to Steven and tells him all about my father-in-law’s death watch before turning to me and telling me, “Oh we are big on sharing here, and keeping everyone in the loop.” The only reason my jaw wasn’t on the ground was because my mask was keeping it up. Like, I understand that the 2nd in command needs to be aware of this stuff, but holy shit, to just nonchalantly rattle that information off to him like that? No bruh. That ain’t cool. And she’s lucky that this isn’t a situation involving someone who seriously matters to me. If that had been my grandmother or my mother we had been talking about and she just blabbed it out there for god and everyone to know, like it was no big deal? Shit would have gone sideways REAL QUICK, let me tell you.

And the other part of the work chaos…my manager is a chatty Kathy, lemme tell ya. Which, is cool to an extent. She’s lived a really interesting life. But she kind of expects me to dish out the same level of life stories as she’s sharing with me. Um....naw, it doesn’t work like that with me at all. I’m an introvert, big time. And beyond that, I’m a private person in my real life. And that goes DOUBLE for work life. I mean, there are people who I have worked with for years, that only know surface stuff about me. And this manager, who I’ve known for less than a damn week, is wanting me to basically share my entire life story with her. ::shakes her head:: Nope. Not happening. I have to feel really comfortable and safe for that to happen. And for that to occur in a work environment, with a manager? Yeah, that’s never happened to the level she’s wanting. We are NOT bosom buddies. We will not BE bosom buddies. There is a clear divide there, and I’m not crossing that threshold.

So yeah…Hub’s dad is in the hospital. He’s been there since last week. He’s been unconscious since Tuesday. His heart is failing (he’s had heart issues for a while). His blood pressure is all over the place. His kidneys are failing and so is his liver. And before he went comatose…he flat out refused any surgeries and whatnot. So yeah…we are just on death watch at this point.

And of course, EVERYONE has opinions on what Hubs should be doing. And with him being autistic and his brother being a sociopath, Hub worries that if he doesn’t do the things people say he “should”…then maybe he really is a cold-hearted bastard like his brother. And it’s just adding more stupid stress on top of him in an already extremely stressful situation.

Transfer

Geez, I wrote about The ShitShow only five days ago? It seems like a lifetime.

Ok, so update time.
My transfer came through. I’m moving to a different branch and will be just a “regular” librarian. The branch I’m going to is closer to me, which is an added bonus as well. Less driving = less toll roads, which will mean more money in my pocket. Which is ALWAYS better. Plus, no back-stabbing, cowardly, sociopath Juli either.

My last day at my current branch is the 12th. And I’ll begin work at the new branch on the 15th. Same days, and pretty much same hours. Just that the late day will be Wednesday instead of Thursday.

As soon as I knew my transfer request went through and I had an official start date at the new branch, I felt like I could BREATHE again. A massive weight was lifted.

All I had to to do was survive two weeks. Which isn’t bad. My boss pulled a Ted Cruz and is in Mexico this whole week, and we’re home due to the snow/ice yesterday and today, and probably tomorrow. So really, I just have one week with BackStabber and I’m done with her.

So next week, I’ll begin bringing home all my personal belongings and tell my coworkers that I’m leaving. I just told my coworker in crime via text, because I wanted to give her more of a heads up, because we work the Reference Desk together all day, every day, so my leaving will have a bit more of an impact on her, than on the others. It just sucks. I wish we could just get rid of The BackStabber and get someone better. I don’t mind the drive that much. And I’ve made peace with the toll road fees. I mean, I’ve been doing that for nine months now. I’m ok with continuing to do that…if SHE wasn’t there. And I genuinely LIKE my coworkers. But I refuse to work somewhere, where I cannot trust the boss not to fuck me over royally again.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
There will not be a third time.

I may be a slow learner at times, but once I learn that lesson? I never fucking forget it.

ShitShow

Ok, so here’s a brief overview of The Shitshow that I’ve vaguebooked about.

Tuesday, 20 minutes before we close, boss sends me a message that she wants me to plan our library branch’s anniversary party. And then begins rattling off all the places she wants me to contact. I kind of push back because I’m also still working on all the summer reading/programs as well. She basically says deal with it.

Wednesday, I have a meeting on the books that SAYS it’s for a summer reading recap. It was put in place LAST WEEK. This is important to note.

Instead, it’s a fucking ambush. It’s my boss and a higher up in the children’s department and it’s basically a 30 minute ass-chewing about how much I suck.

The highlights:
- got chewed out for not doing the virtual storytime. I was expecting this one. Had technically difficulties that day and, surprise surprise, my boss was on vacation (like she is at least once a month EVERY MONTH), so I had zero help trouble shooting. 

Everything else – basically the other 25 minutes of the “meeting” was completely new to me, and were things that my boss had multiple opportunities to talk to me about....and never breathed a single word to me. NEVER. And it ended with the head lady saying “well, I’m used to my children’s librarians being the first in the door and asking ‘what can I do to help’, so when I have to lead someone to do their job, maybe you just aren’t cut out to be a children’s librarian.” And then she talked about how there are other non-children’s librarian positions open and maybe one of those would be a better fit for me. I literally had to pick my jaw up off the ground.

Oh, and let’s revisit that anniversary that my boss dropped in my lap, because head lady brought it up – about how it’s our branch’s 50th anniversary in March and how my boss doesn’t feel like she can count on me to do it, but do I feel like I can handle that. Oh, I popped right back with, Well, now that I know WHAT anniversary it is and WHEN it is supposed to happen, I feel like I’m a bit better prepared. And that made head lady blink and ask what I meant and I GLADLY told her that I was only told about it the previous night TWENTY MINUTES before closing and was given ZERO information about it.

So Wednesday night I went home from work, ANGRY AF. Because my boss threw me under the bus. Then backed the bus back over me to stab me a few times before running over me again for good measure.

So Thursday I came in to work, and emailed head lady to say that other than the storytime, EVERYTHING ELSE came as a complete blindside. And that since she brought it up, I was curious to know a bit more about the possibility of changing jobs as an option.

She wrote back that she was sorry to hear that, but from all the DISCUSSIONS she and my boss have had about me, she assumed my boss was talking to me about these things. I friggin’ saw red at that point. And head lady also said that this sounded like a conversation I should have with my boss. Um, NO. That sounds like a conversation YOU need to have with YOUR subordinate on how to do HER job. That is NOT my job to do for you.

So yeah, I told her right then and there that I wanted to change positions and that I completely understand that it meant I would also be giving up my position at this branch (this branch has to have a children’s librarian).

So.....that’s where everything sits.

And trust me....I’ve only painted with the broadest of strokes here.

Children's Librarian?

Perhaps not.

I got fucking ambushed yesterday in a meeting with my boss and super head honcho lady. Apparently, I suck so much ass at my job, it’s a wonder I even have a job. Even though NOTHING HAS BEEN SAID TO ME ABOUT BEING SO HORRIBLE AT MY JOB AT ALL.

Like, head honcho lady was like “maybe you should ask yourself if you even WANT to be a children’s librarian.” Like, what the actual fuck? And then went on to say it was 100% ok if I didn’t and that I could switch over to being a regular librarian. And I’m just sitting here, completely fucking blindsided, wondering what the fuck is going on.

Greetings from Plague Land

Yep. Still here. Still Plague-ish. But getting better. I can HEAR now, which is nice. Because for about a week and a half, I couldn’t, thanks to a double ear infection.

Shit, at this point, I almost wish it HAD been Omicron. I think I would have gotten over that swifter than this allergy/cold/sinus/ear infection what-ever-the-fuck-it-mutated-into of DOOM that I’m STILL fighting off. Shit, I’ve been fighting this since the last week of DECEMBER. ::sighs:: But I’m on the mend. I’m feeling like 75% human, and only 25% plague rat, which is a VAST improvement. My ear still crackle when I yawn or swallow. I still have a cough, but it isn’t soul rattling, so that’s an improvement.

I’ve decided that since the calendar new year was a complete and utter bust for me due to Plague of Doom shit, I’m doing a Do Over on the Lunar New Year. Kind of makes more sense to me as well, given I’m more lunar attuned than calendar, so I’m giving that a go this time around. Plus the Year of the Tiger is supposed to be a really good year for a Rooster like me. So here’s hoping! ::chuckles softly::

Also, talking with April, I came to realize that I need to do a Power/Soul Retrieval/Recall. I have left little bits of myself in previous jobs, relationships, friendships, etc, that no longer serve me. I need to call back that energy and properly cut those ties. I think that’s part of the reason I’m constantly feeling so spread thin.

The house is also begging for a smoke cleansing and warding. Hell, my body is begging for a smoke cleansing as well.