Changes

Of course, once I wrote that beautiful entry about switching from hiding/protection over to blooming/beauty, life threw me a curve ball and I fell completely off that.  ::laughs::  Oh well.  Life is never boring.

I am electing to take a bit more charge of the things I can control in my life.  To focus my energies there…to transform them from merely surviving to thriving.  Things out of my control?  Well, hopefully by better tuning the things IN my control, I can better handle those curve balls.  Or at least, that is my hope!  ::laughs::

I’ve decided to scrap the current physical journal I’m keeping.  I’ve missed more days than I’ve written.  And I’ve placed way too much importance on writing in it every single day.  And it just bums me out now.  Instead, beginning in July, I’ll just journal straight into my Bullet Journal.  I already have the habit of writing daily work notes and to do things in it, so journaling should be easier to incorporate.  And I’m taking the “must journal every day” pressure and throwing it out the damn window.  I’m not sure WHY I placed that pressure on myself, but I’m kicking that bullshit to the curb.  ::chuckles::

I’ve actually been doing some work on my outstanding Coven homework.  I’m not sure what the writer’s block was on it, but I’m banging that out like nobody’s business now.  ::smiles::  Actually feeling pretty damn proud of that.  And my High Priestess mentioned how she always wishes she could publish a book with all the various spells the Coven mates have to create as part of our various homework assignments because we are all so incredibly creative.  And that gave me the idea to have all of my Dedicant Year of classes and homework spiral bound together at some office supply store at some point.  It would be nice to just have it all together in one place.  And then I could get all of my 1^st Year classes and homework done the same way, once I’ve completed it.  I’m no longer lying to myself, saying I’ll get it all handwritten in a journal “someday”.  I know it’s not going to happen, and that’s ok.  It doesn’t have to.  The spiral bound will be just fine.  Besides, just because I’ve written the spells for my homework, doesn’t mean I’ve actually used them…so I don’t necessarily want them in my working grimoire.

Speaking of which, I’ve been working on that as well.  I’m currently SLOWLY working on documenting all of my crystal hoard.  Which, holy shit.  Nothing makes you realize how much of a crystal hoard you have until you are having to document them all.  ::laughs::  So yeah, that’s my current big project I’m tackling for my grimoire. 

I noticed that I was just writing list after list after list of things I wanted to put into my grimoire as a way to procrastinate actually working IN the grimoire.  So I’ve taken the plunge…kind of.  ::laughs::  I’m taking notes in a composition notebook, that I’m also doing my Coven homework in.  Once I get all the crystal notes down, then I’ll transfer that into the grimoire.  Then it will be on to herbs, or oils, or maybe my tools?  Who knows.  ::smiles::  But I’m enjoying the challenge.  Plus it gives me something to focus on.

Beauty

I was struck by a thought last night that really resonated with me and continues to resonate with me today in regards to my work and my witchcraft.

I have been so caught up in protecting myself, of ensuring I am safe, that I have forgotten the beauty aspect of my life.

So much of my work altar area has revolved around protection.  Around making me safe from prying eyes, insults, negativity, that I’ve forgotten about drawing in the beauty and fun and light-hearted aspects as well.

Now, I’m looking at ways to bring the beauty aspect back into my Craft.  And certainly into my work area. 

My work area is a total disaster zone right now with all the moving parts from our summer programming going on plus the normal things that happen monthly in the library.  I need like one solid day, about six 3-ring binders, six packs of dividers, and a label maker, and an unlimited supply of coffee and I’m pretty sure I could wrangle the area into reasonable chaos.  My area will never be completely chaos free.  I just don’t work that way.  But, reasonable chaos is a worthy goal to strive towards.  ::chuckles::

Catching Up

Wow it has been ages since I’ve written here. Even writing in “daily” journal has been a bit hit and miss.

So we are gonna go with bullet points to get caught up on everything, because that’s about all my brain can handle at the moment.

• My newest niece was born May 25th. She, like her older sister, decided that the due date just didn’t work for her and opted instead to make her grand entrance a couple of weeks early. She’s happy and healthy and everyone is doing great. So from here on out, there is Lil Nephew, Lil Niece, and now Littlest Niece. ::smiles::
• My Library resumes our regular hours tomorrow. We are all still wearing our masks (mandated by the City AND the company that actually employs us. Yeah, I’m already planning to wear a mask until there is a working, well-distributed vaccine. I’ll be buying some “cool” masks, since it’s looking like I’ll be wearing one until December. So fuck it. Might as well have fun with it.
• Got called in to have a meeting with my Director and our HR personnel regarding my absences due to migraines. I was terrified that I was getting fired, but instead, it was my Director wanting to make sure they were doing everything they could to help me and that they weren’t making things worse for me. Yeah, I totally broke down in tears over that. I seriously do like my job, so it was nice to know that they wanted to make sure I was happy working there.
• I had an appointment with my doc to discuss my increased migraines and my depression as well. Now I have a migraine preventative, a migraine buster (to be taken at the first onset of migraine warnings, to hopefully stop the migraine from manifesting), and then pain killers in case the buster doesn’t work. And we’ve increased my mood stabilizer. Hopefully that will reign in my depression and NSSI impulses (still haven’t cut, thank goodness). I have a follow up appointment at the end of June to check in on how everything is going and to see if anything else needs to be tweaked.
• COVID-19 related – thus far, me and my family are all healthy and safe. Fingers crossed we all stay that way.
• I’ve had to step away from Facebook. Seeing all of videos and photos and firsthand accounts of the absolutely despicable things the police are doing to the protestors? And the shit people are saying, defending the violence the police are enacting on unarmed civilians? It fucking makes me sick. It’s been a while since I’ve used my block and snooze button as much as I have in the past 48 hours.
• And I’m absolutely terrified for my friends who are taking part in the protests. Terrified, but also, so fucking proud of them. Needless to say, there will be a lot of protection prayers and spells for all of the protestors.
• I’m even more terrified for the way I see things headed. If the police are willing and eager to do all of this violence against civilians, reporters, and MEDICS…all on live streaming video? And the fact that quite a few cities have announce the use of live ammunition? You can only push people so far. And do this in the middle of a goddamn pandemic, when our fuck-ass country is the hardest hit??? REALLY?? I don’t have to be a fucking psychic to see how this is going to play out.

Belated Beltane

I finally did my Beltane ritual on Saturday. It was loosely based off of the one I wrote for my Coven to do (that, due to the COVID lockdown, didn’t happen). It revolved around writing down the things you wanted to burn away with the winter, and welcome in the summer. In the ritual I wrote for the Coven, these would have been written down on corn husks.

For my ritual, I had saved some bark that had naturally fallen from the giant mulberry tree. I thought it was perfect – it was stuff she had shed, that she no longer needed. On these pieces of park, I wrote the things I wanted to be rid of.

I am quite proud of the fact that I lugged out the fire pit by myself. I started the fire all by myself. I burned the pieces of bark, along with the Banishing Incense. It had a surprisingly sweet aroma. Though, because of some toxic ingredients, I made sure NOT to stay right there and huff the aroma. ::chuckles::



But I feel worlds better. Lighter. All of that bullshit has been burned to ash. It’s been swept up, bagged, and tossed in the trash, where it belongs.



I really need to get back into the habit of doing rituals again.

Touching Base

Oh buddy. That last entry really got me fired up something good, didn’t it? ::laughs::

I ended up blocking that individual that spurred that tirade, so they won’t even see that entry. Which is a bit of a shame, because maybe they could have learned something. But if they had doubled down and continued being shitty, well, the gloves were off at that point. I would have laid them the fuck out. And honestly, I don’t need that level of stress/agitation in my life. And since that was the FIRST TIME EVER that they had posted a note on my blog? Eh, fuck ‘em. They aren’t worth my time. It is not my place to educate every damn buffoon out there in the world. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

In other news, my first week back working at the Library with the public went surprisingly well. Dustin was a holy terror the first day back, attempting to micromanage the shit out of me. Which is counterproductive. Just tell me what needs to be done and turn me loose. That is how I work best. He did back off the rest of the week, and only checked in on a few things from time to time. It was so gratifying to have completed my book orders for April and May AND have begun on June’s order, along with doing all the fucking story time planning for June and July AND have pulled all the required books before he had done his book order. I got so smug when he acted shocked that I had all of that done by Wednesday that I snarkily asked if he needed my help on any of HIS tasks for the week. ::toothily grin::

The City that my Library is in has made it a City Ordinance that the public MUST wear masks if they come into the Library. No ifs, ands, or buts. The staff is already wearing them. So that is nice. And honestly, the patrons are deeply grateful that we are open and have no issues wearing the masks and readily adhere to the social distancing. So that has actually been less stressful than I had anticipated. Hopefully the trend continues this coming week.

Clarification On Yesterday's Entry

Whew buddy. This is going to be a doozy of an entry. It is long, so you might want to get a snack and a drink before diving in.

Trigger Warning: This entry does talk, in depth, about Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Idealation, Depression, Mental Illness, Non-Suicidal Self Injury (also called, Self-Injury, SI, Self-Harm, Cutting, etc.).

Now with that out of the way….hold onto your butts:

I just wanted to explain some things about my previous post, as I’ve gotten some “interesting” comments on it. And yes, I know, “people mean well”, but you know what? I’m tired of people saying ignorant shit about things they have zero experience with. I know they think they are being helpful, but they are not. And I’m done trying to be “nice” and properly explain my fucked up mental state to Normies.

Point Number One: Non-Suicidal Self-Injury
Let’s unpack this one. This is self-inflicted injury used as a coping mechanism for emotions that feel out of my control. This is NOT suicidal in nature. Quite the opposite. It is a pressure release valve that allows me to let the built up insanity OUT so that I don’t actually attempt suicide. It basically makes the problems in my head “real” because they are now physical marks on my body. I can deal with the physical wounds – you clean the wound with soap and water, you put on some Neosporin, and you put a bandaid on it.

And I get it. Unless you have engaged in NSSI, it makes ZERO sense to you that this is a coping strategy. And I don’t fault you for that at all. I’m glad you don’t understand it. It means you don’t engage in it, and that is a GOOD thing.

Point Number Two: It must suck to feel this way.
Um, yeah. Depression sucks ass. Doesn’t mean my life as a whole sucks. Because the depression I have – Dysthymia, also called Persistent Depressive Disorder or Chronic Depression – is a chemical imbalance. It means I have depression, even if everything is going great in my life. It’s a fucking CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. There’s no “wishing it away”. I am on medication and have an appointment later on this month (hopefully) to do a check in with my doctor and see if any of the medication needs to be tweaked (it probably does). But to just up and say “wow that must suck” to someone battling depression is just….rude. No other way to say it. It’s just unsympathetic, unhelpful, and rude. By all means, think it. That’s fine. But to just straight up say that to someone who is really BATTLING hard to NOT kill themselves? It’s just offensive. Stop and think about what you are going to say. Just because you THINK of something, doesn’t mean you have to SAY that something.

Point Number Three: Cutting doesn’t help and just gives you scars.
::sighs:: Where to even begin with this comment? Please, go back and read Point Number One, so you can understand the PURPOSE that cutting, or any other form of NSSI, serves. Yes, it hurts. DUH. Raking one’s knuckles down a brick wall, punching trees, cutting the skin, burning, pulling hair, hitting oneself to leave bruises on the body, etc…they all fucking hurt. I am still human and yes that shit hurts.

As for the scars? I’d rather be alive and have scars than be dead with flawless skin. And the original comment brings in a whole lot of judgment as well. People have scars. Everyone has scars. But any scars I have from NSSI are going to be judged apparently. And you know what? I fucking laughed at the idea. Not all NSSI leaves scars. I could show you a picture of my upper left arm and the side of my right wrist – sites that received the bulk of my NSSI episodes and there are no scars to be seen. I do have some scars on my right arm from playing too rough with my dog, but not from NSSI. The ONLY scars I have are two on the knuckles of my right hand from when I raked it repeated down a brick wall. And even those, I would have to point them out and you would have to look very closely to even see them.

So in response to that comment….cutting DOES help. It sure as shit is a maladaptive coping strategy, but its sole purpose was to keep me from committing suicide. So yeah. As for any judgement on the scars my body carries, regardless of how I got them, fuck you. You can keep your goddamn judgment to yourself. Because my scars, all of them, tell me I fucked with something I probably shouldn’t have, but I survived it. Something came along and knocked the shit out of me, but I still got back up. My scars are battles I WON. I’m still standing. I’m still here. And if you don’t like that, then kindly take your shit and go somewhere else.

Point Number Four: It’s better to do (insert whatever non-NSSI coping strategy is in vogue right now).
::sighs:: Please. I’ve been dealing with depression for 25+ fucking years now. Longer actually because I just began keeping track of it when I attempted suicide in the 8th grade. So honestly, it’s probably been closer to 27 years. And I engaged in NSSI behavior for a good 5 years before quitting old turkey…FOURTEEN years ago. Trust me, I KNOW all the other coping strategies. I’ve sought out therapy specifically to find other ways to cope with my mental illness without resorting to NSSI. And I’ve been doing that for almost 170 MONTHS. So yeah, I know about shredding paper, beating up pillows, drawing the marks with a marker instead of a blade, deep breathing, going for a walk, screaming in my car, using a hammer to beat the shit out of an old tire, painting, writing poetry etc, etc, etc, ad nauseam.

So yeah, while you think you may have the key to my salvation…I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I have a thousand fucking Tshirts ok? Honestly, before you give any sort of advice on something that you know very little about…ask yourself, Did this person ASK for advice? If so, then by all means, proceed. But if they didn’t, hold your tongue for a damn second. And if you feel you still NEED to give advice, ASK the person if they want advice. If they say no, then bite your tongue and keep your “opinions” to yourself.

So yes, while it may seem that the overall point I’m driving home here is to not say anything at all, that isn’t true. It’s about knowing what to say and what NOT to say. And if you don’t know the person well enough to be able to figure out what is and is not ok to say? ASK THEM if they want advice. Half the time, when this is a chronic illness, we’ve heard more than enough unhelpful advice from people who do not have the illness that honestly, we don’t want to hear any more. Instead, we are just trying to be HEARD. We are trying to get this illness OUT and onto the paper or the blog, because doing so IS a pressure release valve. Writing about it, we know, helps. Trust me, those of us with mental illnesses….we are AWARE of our insanity. We KNOW our insanity inside and out. And we know this is some bat shit crazy shit. But KNOWING this doesn’t suddenly make the illness go away. We just have to work our way through it.

Bottom line? Really stop and think about your words and your actions. Are they necessary? Are they kind? Are they welcomed? Are they needed? If you are unsure, or feel like you really want to reach out and help….ASK the person what help they need. Honestly? They may not require anything from you at all.

Depression

Damn, my depression has gotten BAD.  Like…really bad.  Scary bad.

I had a day where it took every ounce of my will power to not cut.  And I was beginning to formulate a suicide plan as well.  That fucking bad.

And I thought I was getting better.  But I just realized that all the typical food I enjoy doesn’t have any flavor.  So yeah, the depression is still strong.  But at least I’m not desiring to cut or plan out my death.  So I guess that’s a win.