Here

Man, I have no idea where my motivation went, but I wish it would come back asap.

Honestly, it’s a major adjustment to be working full time. I haven’t worked full time in YEARS. And it’s not that the job is horribly stressful or busy. It’s just that I’m accustomed to a lot more free time.
I’ve just NOT been in the mood to write. I have my journal that I carry around, but I don’t even get it out at work now days. I was writing in my personal email and saving entries as drafts during the day, so I could post them when I got home, but I haven’t even been doing that. ::shrugs::

Oh, but I did start another Bullet Journal. I picked up a cheap dot-grid journal at Wal-Mart, and I LOVE it so much more than the most expensive Leuchtturm 1917. The paper thickness makes all the difference. I don’t get any bleed through on the Excell and the ghosting is minimum. Which apparently is the main thing I hated with the Leuchttrum. So yeah, I’m playing around with that at least.

I did my first week of storytimes this week. And man, I had myself worked up over NOTHING. This shit is so low key, it’s hilarious how stressed out I was about it. ::chuckles:: So yeah, I’m not sweating that any more. I’m also putting together my first set of book orders and I’m rather enjoying that. So yeah, I just have to stay on top of things to keep Dustin in check a bit, and it’s all good. Plus at the end of the month, Dustin is getting his own office, so we won’t be sharing a cube. That will be really nice. ::chuckles::

Friday was the Full Wolf Moon and we had insane weather. It was 70 degrees, then dropped down into the 40s with a massive storm – thunder, lightning, rain, flooding, tornadoes…and then the next morning it turned to SNOW. I captured some of that rain water, so you know that is some potent shit. I’m using a bit to make some War Water. I need to cleanse, smoke bless, and seal the house again soon – hence the War Water.

My dreams have been so vivid thus far this year. Lots of crazy ones, but also some powerful ones as well. Dreamt of eagles the other night. I know that it means something…but am not sure WHAT exactly.

Other than that, I’ve been reading a ton. I just finished up Broken Faith: Inside the Word of Faith Fellowship, One of America’s Most Dangerous Cults, by Mitch Weiss and Holbrook Mohr. Cults just fascinate the shit out of me. Similar to serial killers.

What else can I babble about….
Oh, I’ve got pretty much everything written and ready to go for tonight’s ritual. I’m in charge of the full ritual for the Coven tonight. ::grins:: I’m excited. And I love the fact that it’s 100% MINE. I don’t have to collaborate with anyone. ::chuckles:: We’ll be making spell jars for the new year. I’m excited.

Better Today

written: January 03

Ok, I’ve rested and slept since yesterday’s incident and am feeling worlds better. Hell, I was worried about nightmares, but nope. All my dreams last night were about crashing weddings, sleeping with the maid of honor AND the best man, and then I had a ticket for an Orgy Room, and got to pick 9 people to join me. ::laughs:: Seems all I’m dreaming about thus far into 2020 is nothing but SEX. Hmm, 2020 could prove to be quite the interesting year. ::chuckles::

Anyways, we had a quick staff meeting this morning, to go over yesterday’s incident. The camera footage did show the guy striking the woman in the chest with his elbow three times. He WAS arrested and charged with assault. And he’s been banned from the library. So hopefully, he won’t return. And apparently he’d already had a run in with the police earlier in the day in some parking lot, so they already knew him quite well. ::shakes her head::

Clint reached out, inquiring what fighting training I was looking for. We ended up having a really good, really long, really in-depth conversation about it all. He also gave a high recommendation of a place not too far from me that he’s personally trained at along with Conrad (a friend of ours). Clint is good friends with the owner/instructor and has offered to do a warm introduction if I’m interested. So yeah, I will definitely be taking him up on that offer soon. I need to find out how much it will cost and then I’ve got to sit down and make a budget plan for myself.

Clint also recommended getting a handgun and a carry license. Texas is an open carry state, but I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be allowed to open carry at the library. I personally don’t want to open carry anyways, because that would automatically make me a target because they know I am armed. Instead, I would conceal carry to keep the odds in my favor. And honestly, that hinges 100% on the employee policies for the library. I mean, who wouldn’t want to come to Baby Storytime where the children’s librarian has a gun on her hip? ::chuckles:: Until I figure all of that out, can afford the gun and the license, I’ll just carry one of my knifes – concealed. Though, Texas has made all bladed weapons legal to open carry as well. We are seriously just going weapons crazy down here.

Rattled

Sometimes I forget the trauma I’ve been exposed to and that I’m carrying around. It goes months, even years, without it being triggered. But then one little thing sets it off and I’m in a tailspin.

Two patrons got physically aggressive today – a woman took a picture of man, and he asked her to delete it. She refused, so he chased after her. He’s claiming she swung at him. So many people stepped in to separate them before it became physical. But just the raised, angry male voice has set off a major adrenaline surge and my fight or flight response is fighting itself. Part of it wants to step in and stop it. And part it wants NOTHING to do with the whole situation – flee, and flee as fast as I can so I don’t become the target. Even now, an hour after the situation has been resolved, and everyone involved has left…I am still on high alert.

The guy involved, I already didn’t like. He reminds me way too much of certain individuals in my family and the people they run with. Trailer Trash for damn sure. And the arrogant way they walk. He has just rubbed me the wrong way from the get-go. And now this situation, I’m sure is going to really affect me anytime I see him now. And he’s a regular, so I’ll see him almost every single day.

But, all of this has brought to light WHY I want to take Krav Maga classes. The fear aspect of my response today is due to the fact that I don’t know how to protect myself. I don’t know how to truly defend myself in a manner that minimizes the damage I would take. So I guess this is my cosmic wake up call to stop putting the Krav Maga classes off. Hell, there’s even a place that I can take the classes that is less than 15 minutes from my house.

Closing a Chapter

written: Dec 31

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All my papers from Grad School, in one place.



Yep, I got home today early from work and I went ahead and burned them all.



You know, it’s hard work to crumple up that many papers to feed into the flame.



There is so much ash now.

But I feel like it was the right time to do it. Truly closing the door on a Chapter of my life so that I can begin a new Chapter.

I finished up The Chestnut Man. Sooooooo good. It’s another book that I was sad to see end, and that the ending left the possibility of another book. I don’t think there will be, but it does leave with one hell of a hook if the author were to continue the story.

I have decided not to continue the 1001 photo challenge. It was left over from a previous 101 Goals in 1001 Days that I ended up completely scrapping. This was the only thing I was still doing from that set of goals. And honestly, I don’t enjoy it anymore. I would rather focus on GOOD photos of things that I genuinely want to share instead of “Oh fuck. It’s 11:30 pm and I don’t have a picture for today….here’s a pic of my toothbrush” type photos.

It just feels right. So many changes this year. I’ve closed the door on so many chapters in my life.
I’ve completed my Master’s Degree.
I’ve left the after school program on my own terms (AND they are just beginning to realize how difficult that job is, and how friggin’ easy I made it look).
I’ve started a new job, in my new career field, and am loving it.
I’ve joined a new Coven and will be initiating in March.
I’ve finally found medication that works for me and my chronic depression.

2019 was a year of changes and challenges. But I came through it all, and I’m still here. I’m standing in my own power. Shark was definitely a potent Totem for this year. And She certainly pushed me Forward (my word of the year), even when I was doing my best to back-peddle. ::chuckles::

Culturally Deaf

written: Dec 30

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Dragon poster we put up at work for the Chinese New Year. I wanted a giant rat, as 2020 will be the year of the rat, but Dustin nixed that idea. ::sighs:: So instead, we went with the dragon because it’s “Chinese”. Can we say culturally deaf here?

I don’t know what I did to my eye, but it is sore as hell. It’s tender to the touch and feels like I have a black eye, but I don’t. ::shrugs:: I’m sure it’s something to do with allergies.

I have to write my Full Moon ritual soon for the Coven. That’s on January 12th. And I need to verify that I have all the herbs and whatnot that the spell jars will require. And then I should probably begin doing some research on Beltane rituals, as I am responsible for that as well. It will fulfill the public ritual requirement for my class work with the Coven. Of course it would be one of the sabbats I care the least about. ::shakes her head:: Oh, well. It will push my creativity, as I find a way to connect with the sabbat while still putting my own spin on it. ::smiles::

I am getting so close to the end of The Chestnut Man. It’s such a good book. Another book in the horror/suspense genre. I almost brought it home with me, in hopes that I could finish it tonight. But I decided to be realistic. By the time I get home from my late shift, I have just enough time to check the mail, get something to eat, and hang out with my husband for about 30 minutes before I have to head to bed. Yeah, there was no way I would finish the book....OR I would not get any sleep because I stayed up late reading. So I left it at work and I can finish it tomorrow. I kind of like the idea of finishing this book on the last day of the year.

Then I have a copy of The Sisters of the Winter Wood by Rena Rossner. JoAnn recommended it in the Journaling group. So I snagged that from my local library and can start reading that in the new year.

Slow Going

written: Dec 29

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David finished up my bathroom. There are a few little things left to do, but he’s almost completely done. And I love the way it turned out. The walls ended up a darker gray than we had planned, but I think it still looks friggin’ amazing. Now, I’m taking my time to figure out what to keep in my bathroom and what to get rid of. I definitely want to keep my bathroom looking nice.

I found a Staples store sort of near my work. And seeing as how I’m about halfway through my current journal, I thought I would swing by and pick up some new ones. I ended up picking up two new journals and 3 composition notebooks – they were on sale. So I’m set for a while on journals, I think. It seems they are phasing out the journals I use – they only had it in blush pink. Yeah, thanks but no thanks. I guess I’ll have to order them from the Poppin’ website instead of Staples once I get back around to needing a new journal.

I’ve decided to change things up in 2020 with my handwritten journal. I’m not going to set aside a full page for each day, as I’ve skipped over at least half, or only written two or three sentences for the day. Instead, I will just write when the need strikes and not force it to be so structured. Rigidness with my journaling practice seems to be the kiss of death for any sort of creativity. I definitely need to remember that.

I did finally begin gathering together my grad school papers. I’ve got a bin I’m putting them all in and then I just have to take the bin downstairs when it’s time to burn them. I am thinking of keeping some of the ash from the papers, like a talisman for knowledge and dedication. I dunno. I’ll probably toss it after a year or so. But for now, I’m just not 100% ready to let it go.

Other than that, I am slowly going through my stuff and tossing the obvious trash. I just keep getting overwhelmed and have to take a break. Honestly, I should set a 15-minute timer and just see what I can get through in that amount of time. Instead I look at the massive amount of work I need to get done, and panic and leave the room. ::laughs:: Needless to say, I’m not making much headway in this department at the moment.

Water Off a Duck's Back

written: Dec 28

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One of the resident Muscovy Ducks chilling by my window. Seriously, a pretty duck.

A nice, quiet, low-key day at the library. It’s raining off and on, which would make for PERFECT sleeping weather. Or reading weather. ::smiles::

Honestly, I’m a bit bored and a bit restless. I’m ready for the work-day to be over. I plan to swing by Hobby Lobby on my way home and pick up some card packs for April. She asked where I got the ones I used and then I was at Hobby Lobby yesterday and saw some. I sent her photos of them and asked if she wanted them. So I’ll be picking those up and mailing them out to her soon.