Lucky Me

Lots of good stuff for today – to hopefully off-set the crapshoot that yesterday was.

My rough black sapphire arrived today from Sage Goddess.

 

A rather pretty stone to be honest.

 

Reminds me of labradorite…but not as weighty as labradorite.

 

This is for the Harpies. Which I really need to get around to sketching out the idea of the Bangle/Bauble Branch I’m planning for them. Think beaded windchime with various bits and baubles and ribbons and bones for them. ::smiles:: If it turns out HALF as good in person as I’m picturing it in my head, it’s gonna be awesome.

Next up, while walking Josey today, I found ANOTHER blue jay feather.

 

This brings this year’s count up to seven thus far.

But, awesome of the most Highest Order – look at what else I found:

 

That is a Kershaw 1990 blade.

 

Just chillin’ on the sidewalk.

 

So I’m taking this as a sign that the Universe wants me to keep on fighting the good fight. I am taking it as a sign that I’m on the right track with looking into a psychiatrist. I found one that I think might be a good one. Most psychiatrists in the area have maybe 4 reviews – 1 good one and 3 AWFUL ones (IF they even have the one good one). But this lady? She has 14 reviews, ALL positive. And she’s roughly the same distance from my house as my previous psychiatrist, so it’s not like I’m having to go way out of my way to see her. And she does counseling as well…not just medication management. And it seems that the bulk of her patients are Bipolar, so that’s another feather in her cap.

The plan right now is to get a hold of my previous psychiatrist on Monday (hopefully) and get a list of medications we tried out and what my response to them were. Once I have that in hand, then I will call the new psychiatrist and hope that she is accepting new patients and that she can fit me in relatively soon-ish. I figure I’ll just pull money out of savings to cover the office visit fee instead of waiting for payday (not until the 15th). If she does put me on medication, the sooner I can start that the better. Psychiatric drugs take time to build up in the system, and I need to get through the onset side effects as swiftly as possible. I’ll just make note to put the money back as soon as my paycheck hits. Honestly, that’s what the savings account is there for – a safety net.

I haven’t told David any of this yet. He’s not a big fan of me being on medication because he’s seen firsthand the havoc it wreaks on me. BUT, he does want me to be happy. And I’m not currently. I figure I’ll do that once I actually HAVE an appointment. Wish me luck!

Friday Blahs

written: January 5th

Well, I ended up not going to the zoo.  I have a whole bunch of Rational Reasons as to why I didn’t go, but it really just boils down to the fact that I really didn’t feel like driving over there.  ::shrugs::

Yeah, depression is really kicking my butt today.  I’ve been strongly encouraging a fellow blogger to seek counseling (she brought it up each time, and I just supported the endeavor of going)…hmmm, seems like I need to take my own damn advice.  So I’m torn now – do I seek counseling (when I’m 90% sure this is all due to a chemical imbalance), or do I attempt to find another psychiatrist (which the last two weren’t overly pleasant encounters) to get on some form of medication?

Honestly, the first step is that I need to contact my previous psychiatrist and request a list of the various medications he had me on during the course of my time with him.  I definitely have no desire to run that gauntlet again – especially with how poorly I reacted on the bulk of those medications.  I would also like to test for ADHD.  Even if it turns out that, yes, all my mental shenanigans are due to me being bipolar – it would be nice to know for sure if I do have ADHD, as it would explain so much.  ::shrugs::

Honestly, I would love to go see my general doctor and talk this all over with her.  But that’s an $80 doctor visit right off the bat.  Then whatever it would cost to see a psychologist…..and then double it (or really close to doubling the cost) to see a psychiatrist….and THEN I get to figure out how to pay for whatever meds I may get put on.  Dude, being poor WITH mental health issues isn’t any fun.

Oh, and let’s not forget that I have my yearly check up and cancer screening with my gyno at the end of the month.  I don’t think I have a copay for that.  But it always stresses me the fuck out.  And I want to talk to her about the various options out there for eliminating my periods….or at the very least, seriously cutting back on the horribleness of them.  Fuck man, I got my damn tubes tied, so I don’t really NEED a uterus or periods.  So let’s get rid of that shit please!

So, in less whiny mode, I’ve been having a blast scrolling through Pinterest for Pen Pal stuff to do.  ::chuckles::  I want to make a standard “letter of introduction” to use in my pen pal endeavors.  And I’ve been looking at various mail tags and mail art.  ::smiles::

And I’ve ordered my Letter Month Challenge postcards and stamps.  I’m trying to be prepared for next month!  ::smiles::

AND I’m currently working my way through Slavic Pagan World by Garry Green.  It’s interesting-ish.  I will admit that I scanned over the whole “spell” section and the “herb” section.  They just hold very little interest for me. 

Thankful Thursday #01

written: Jan 4th

I am thankful….

1.       Really enjoying this Winter Break.  I didn’t get nearly as many things accomplished that I had high hopes of doing…but I feel so well rested and centered again.  And that, my friends, is worth its weight in gold.

2.       Blessed internet – which I used to find out my newest Voice Crush actor – Peter Serafinowicz.  He’s plays “Sctanley” in Couple’s Retreat and the “The Sommelier” in John Wick: 2.  Holy smokes…I would listen to this guy read Contract Law books, or Tax codes….for HOURS.  ::fans herself::

3.       Weather FINALLY is playing nice once again.  I am not a fan of the temperatures being down in the damn TEENS during the day. 

4.       Have found a number a blue jay feathers on my two walks this week with Josey. 

5.       Beautiful first full moon of the year – and that the sky cleared up in time for me to be able to really bask in her light.  I didn’t do any ritual this time around – more of simply ENJOYING it.

6.       Joined a Witchy pen pal group and man, the Pagan creativity is freaking FLOWING in me right now.  I need to jot my ideas down so that when I have the time, I can start fleshing them out.  For now, I’m focusing on catching up my magickal journal.

7.       That the Cajun Cowboy Caviar turned out soooo good.  I’ve finally found a way to cook black-eyed peas and actually ENJOY eating them!  Hell, I’ve even been reheating the leftovers and snacking on them throughout the week, it’s that good.

8.       Oh and while we’re on the subject of Voice Crushes – let’s add in Antonio Banderas.  I’m currently watching The Expendables 3 and could you imagine having Antonio Banderas AND Peter Serifinowicz whispering sweet nothings into your ear?  ::swoon::  I would readily die a happy woman after a night of that.  Damn, toss in Julia Stiles and make all of my dreams come true.  Oh, and Jason Stathem…..gonna need a week of all of this.  ::grins toothily::

9.       Sudden burst of adoration for my photography on Deviant Art.  I’ve gained a couple of new followers.  Really makes the heart happy.

10.   Clean puppy!  I forget how fluffy and soft and iridescent her fur is when she’s freshly cleaned.

Okapis

Ack! I totally forgot that January is a National Journal Writing Month.

I dunno. I’m just wanting to say “Fuck it” to sooooo many things right now. I’m sleepy, worn down, and just all around grumpy. ::chuckles::

I did get on the elliptical today – just 10 minutes, but it’s been MONTHS since I’ve done anything, so I wanted to keep it light so I can do it daily (or at least every other day).

And because it was WARMER today AND the sun was out – I took Josey pup for a walk. Holy crap, we both needed that so badly. I even found two blue jay feathers!

 

I am starting to gather the addresses I’ll be writing to for the Letter Month Challenge. I’m rather excited about that again. That starts up in February and I would like to be a bit more organized about it than I have been in previous years. And besides, it gives me an excuse to create another tracker for use in my Bastardized Bullet Journal – and who doesn’t love that? ::grins and winks:: I’m wanting to get some Chinese New Year postcards to mail out as well. I know, wasn’t I just bitching about how I’m supposed to be SAVING money? ::chuckles:: I just need to win the damn lottery so I don’t have to worry about finances any more. That would be amazing.

AND I signed up for a Witch pen pal group. We’ll see if anything of those pan out.

Damn it, Sage Goddess – I am trying to curb my spending. But oh no, she had to put out a Wolf scented oil….so of course I bought it. Luckily she has a coupon going right now, so I was able to take 18% off. So at least I wasn’t paying full price.

I did finally get around to reading the e-book Kimberly sent me: Jackal At the Shaman’s Gate: A Study of Anubis Lord of Ro-Setawe by Terence DuQuesne. You can’t get it in print these days (unless you are willing to shell out hundreds, if not THOUSANDS, of dollars)….and holy hell, I would have been so incredibly pissed off if I had paid a dime for this “article”. Because, let me tell you, this was no BOOK. It certainly did give me some food for thought and a list of other books to look into…but half of this “book” was just a list of other books/articles/papers that have SOMETHING to do with Anubis. So yes, interesting for sure…but a major let down all the same.

Let’s see, what else can I blab about? I’m trying to keep my brain occupied so it will stop dwelling in depression mode. That shit SUCKS. It’s not even depressed over any particular thing…just BLAH over all. ::grumbles:: I’m thinking Friday, I’m gonna take my punk ass to the zoo again. Hell, maybe even change it up a bit and go to the Dallas Zoo instead of the Fort Worth one? Meh, I’ll probably stick with the Fort Worth one because I know how to get there like the back of my hand…and I’m not in any mood to deal with Dallas morning traffic in an unknown area. I should make it a point one weekend to hit the Dallas zoo just to change things up a bit. That, and the Dallas Zoo has Okapis! And who doesn’t like Okapis???

Berserker

A friend shared this on Facebook and my response was one I’m actually fairly proud of. The words really worked for me (something that has been lacking a bit as of late).

My reply:
Raised voices make me very nervous and anxious. But come at me aggressive, I’ll return it hyper-aggressively. I just automatically go into Death Match Mode when some one aggressively “steps up” to me. It’s the damnedest thing…yell at me, and I physically shrink away, but raise a hand and you’ve just summoned a Berserker.

And it’s true. Raised voices, especially raised, aggressive male voices, can make me break out in a cold sweat. That goes double for ones directed at me.

But the second the aggressive voice takes an aggressive movement against me? It’s like a switch gets hit and I am a Berserker with a blood oath to fulfill.

And I’m hoping that by eventually getting my butt into shape and into Krav Maga or some other form of fighting technique, I can work on letting go of the fear that yelling invokes in me. I’m fine with the initial Fight or Flight Response it should provoke, but the overwhelming fear that floods afterwards? Yeah, I want that shit gone.

The Beginning

Welcome 2018!

This year’s Word of Power is: Sparkle

 

Not joking. It really is Sparkle. Which, anyone who even remotely knows me, knows “sparkle” is not a typical part of my vocabulary. ::chuckles:: But, previous years’ words were so….aggressive….active….that I wanted something different.

So in 2018, I want to do more things that make me sparkle…that make my eyes shine, my heart glad, and my Spirit soar. Or at least, that’s the thought behind this year’s word. ::smiles::

This year’s Totem is the Tiger:

 

A totem of solitude, passion, power, strength, focus, perseverance, sensuality, camouflage, silence, and determination. Quite similar to 2017’s Totem of the Jaguar.

And yet….Hyena has popped up. And the more I look into Hyena – healing power of laughter, sharing your knowledge freely, trusting your instincts, watch your biting words – the more she seems to be running a very close second to the Tiger. But from what I hear, Hyena isn’t a “front and center” totem…ever. She likes to play in the shadows and pop up from time to time. Should prove to be quite an interesting year.

Moving on…

To appease the New Year’s Day Gods….
I made Cajun Cowboy Caviar (black eyed peas), cornbread stuffing, spinach salad (the closest I will eat to “greens”), with bacon (pork) crumbled over the top. That should cover all the “good luck” foods for New Year’s Day.

 

Honestly, I was really nervous about the Cajun Cowboy Caviar. I LOATHE black eyed peas – hell, I was gagging as I was pouring the cans of black eyed peas into the pot – that’s how much I loathe them. I cannot even stand the smell of them. But this recipe totally came through. Though, note for next year…if I don’t do THREE cans of black eyed peas (I only did 2 cans this time), then I REALLY should cut back on some of the seasoning. ::chuckles:: It was a tad too spicy, but nothing too terrible. And best of all? You couldn’t even taste the dreaded black eyed peas. AMAZING!

So this recipe puts me at 3 new recipes (I set the goal for 6 new recipes by my next birthday – Nov 10th – to this goal I may end up completely surpassing).

Tonight is the first full moon of 2018 – the Full Wolf Moon. And yeah, I ain’t celebrating it tonight. Yesterday’s day long ritual really wore me out and I’m just not feeling it today. haven’t even had a chance to redo the altar. So, I’ll be doing that tomorrow – plus smudging down the house with Sage and then Sweetgrass. David will be back at work tomorrow, so I’ll have the day to run through all of that.

Yule, Tabula Rasa, and The End

written: December 31st

Final countdown for 2017. ::smiles:: While 2017 politically was a dumpster-fire and a half…for me personally, it was a pretty damn good year, if I do say so myself. I decided that today would be a great day to do a combined Yule and Tabula Rasa ritual.

Altar by candlight:

 

I just noticed that my right side of the altar is always dark – due to that only having incense. I’ll figure out a candle thing to put over on that side to balance out the light.

Altar with the lights on:

 

Snake totem stone that I bought at the gem and mineral show.
Leather medicine bundle
Sekhmet’s red 7-day candle
Loosely piled garnet chip necklace with an African Lion’s claw on top
Golden Sekhmet statue
Athame & sheath
Yule oil roller ball (from the Inked Goddess Creation’s Yule box) – did NOT like the smell at all on this one
Birch Yule Log (bought it last January/February – it was on sale at Michael’s for like 70% off)
White candle, Green Yule Candle (from Yule Box), and Red candle
Star witch’s ball (from Yule Box)
Horn offering bowl (bought at Hobby Lobby) with Yule Log Ritual Blessing herbs (from Yule Box)
4 tea lights – Yule is the ritual celebrating the return of the Light so more candles = yay!
Incense holder with “Stag” incense from Harvest Moon Haven
Jar with my Sacred Feather

As a part of the Tabula Rasa ritual, I look back over the year (via my blog, journals, and Facebook) and take an accounting of my year – the highlights and the low points. The low points that I struggled the most with over 2017, I wrote down on a piece of paper.

I also did a Year Ahead Spread with the Tarot:



Lots and lots of Swords (all about intellect)….and I must admit, when I drew the card for 2018 overall and found The Death card staring back at me? It sucked the wind right out of my sails for a moment. But you know what? I’ve kicked ass up until this point…and The Death card does not signify physical death, but the death of outgrown ideas and beliefs. And while those are never easy to just shake free of…they do have to be shed in order to grow. So, I just grinned, baring my teeth, and whispered “bring it” – because I will keep moving forward.

Post-ritual selfie with the altar:

 

Though, technically, the ritual isn’t complete at this point…just taking a break to enjoy the evening with my husband.

At around 11 pm, I started a fire in the fireplace. Seriously wanted to use the fire pit, but given that it was sleeting and in the single digits, yeah, that was NOT going to happen.

Onto the fire, I tossed sprigs of holly to burn away all the troubles of last year. I did this for myself, Leviathan, my car, and the house. David did ones for him, Josey, and his car.

And then I took the paper that I wrote the Low Points on, tore it into shreds, and threw them on the fire. They have no power over me. And the Yule Log Ritual Blessing Herbs were also sprinkled on the flames.

Then I had fun just taking photos of the flames and doing a bit of fire scrying. The flame on the left, looks like a Phoenix to me.

 

And that is the end of 2017. ::smiles:: Onwards to 2018!