Can't Articulate

I read the following post by an artist I follow on DeviantArt:

Polarists Meeting

Less than a month before our arctic expedition known as Fjällräven Polar!

Since I became a part of the Polarist Circle, my life has drastically changed.

In a very positive way.

I’ve met many wonderful people from Polar, who mostly are widely open minded, outdoor, very passionate about life and active to pursue the impossible things - that kind of society with very different mentality.

Their type of mentality allows them to get outside from the “box”. (“box” concept- is referred to type of social mentality with narrowed way of thinking. When those people see a person who is doing something different and stays away outside from generalized/labelled concept “what normally people should do”. Like: “if you do different things, we won’t accept you” or simply afraid of something “different”, out of mainstream lifestyle. )

Being around these Polar people has brought me to experience a glimpse of lifestyle that I’ve always dreamt about. And I think I have now more and more clear idea of what I want -or- who I am. I think I’m in the phenomenal stage where I am slowly awaking from the state of being “asleep” (not aware of my own self existence/what I really want)- which was caused by our highly civilized society has lured me into sleep state.

Every Polarist shared with me unique story about who they are- and through what they had to go through to achieve that state. And some, younger ones are still of the road of finding themselves and we are helping, supporting them. Nobody was born amongst stars but had to take a difficult staircase journey to the stars. I am still on that road.

That Polar expedition is a first “star” in my life that I am going to face with. After a very long time… from the day when I woke up in the solid white room, full of strange screens and my head terribly bleeding…

That yet upcoming journey became somewhat a reminder of sorts of how important it is to pursue passions and creative things that I really want to do, and to put aside unnecessary, “time wasting” things that our social pressure has told us to do. My mind and body feel so much more free when I know deep down I am putting my everything into something I was meant to do, rather than something I was told to do by our society.

I’m in midst of working on our unique “Fjällräven Polar” Experience Blog (fighting with my lazy ass)- where I hope to get it done very soon where we, twenty participants, share our experience and stories. It won’t be a typical one, all about sugarhappy events and “oh look how cool things we do” - but breaking our own fears, anxieties and barriers.
 
I hope we can do in that way that we could inspire other people! Stay tuned!

And I don’t know why, but this just really, really, REALLY stuck this huge cord with me. My spirit is literally humming with excitement. My inner SheWolf is nudging me, “Pay attention, Pup. Read and hear and FEEL and LISTEN.”

I can’t articulate it. I’m at a loss for words. I just know this is important and I wanted to keep a record for me to return to and mull over and puzzle over.

The Lil Things

It’s the little things in life that make me the happiest.

Like, almost being over the damn plague of SPITEFUL EVILNESS, I’ve had for the past week (runny, stuffy nose; sore throat; coughing up lungs; whispery, hoarse voice – yay!).

Gorgeous weather: clear skies, SUNSHINE, and we’re sitting at 64 degrees. Woohoo!

Trees are beginning to bud out.

My selfie photo for this month. I know I don’t look the best, but gimme a break. I’m recovering from said Plague of EVIL VILENESS.

Actually having the energy to do a load of dishes, 5 loads of laundry, take a shower, light some candles around the apartment to help air out the place, lit some incense as well, and now I’m just relaxing and waiting for said laundry to finish up. :)

Bed sheets will be going in next.

I’ve done some journaling and am enjoying a new read, One Witch’s Way by Bronwynn Forrest Torgerson. Fairly interesting thus far. Nothing earth-shattering, but nice to get a glimpse into the inner workings of a fellow pagan.

Depression Snob?

I have a friend on Facebook....well, more of an acquaintance? Maybe more than an acquaintance?

I am/was good friends with her fiance/boyfriend (ok, ok, truth be told, I slept with him, while he was with a previous girlfriend, but that’s because said girlfriend was sleeping with my roommate at that exact moment.....gods this sounds horrible....ok, so it was a consensual 4 way, ok!). ANYWAYS!!!!!!!

And she’s all out there with her depression and emotions and all that jazz.

And I’m looking at her like she’s batshit crazy because no matter how dark my days/evenings get, I very, very rarely (ok, so I NEVER) post about them so honestly and so publicly.
I mean, sure I’ll write about what’s going on in my head in my blogs or whatever.

I but I won’t write “Feeling like shit. I do not know why I bother typing.”
Or “Been a while since I cried myself to sleep, might be a good night for that.”
Or “I’m very not ok tonight. Ugh.”

And I’m just....bewildered.

Maybe it’s my sociopathic tendencies.
Maybe it’s my Scorpio traits.
Maybe it’s the way I was raised, or the time, or the location, or what have you.

But damn. I just couldn’t imagine being that.....blatantly open about that stuff.

To me, it just screams “attention-seeking” and I hate that I feel that way about it. I get all damn elitist about it....thinking to myself REAL depressed people just do not do that. REAL depressed people bottle in it because we don’t want the world to truly see how bad we are hurting.

Like I am head president of Depressed People International or something.

Who am I to judge?

But I just can’t engage. It is so damn foreign to me that I can’t even begin to come up with something to say. Just had to put that out there.

Edit
A private comment hit the nail right on the head. This individual seems to be seeking out pity. And me? I cannot STAND pity. It doesn’t help the situation at all and I hate feeling like someone is looking down on me in pity. Totally makes me skin crawl.
I do believe that’s why I run away from her “oh woe is me” posts. Because I feel she’s hunting for pity, not help. Her fiance, who lives with her and posts quite regularly on her facebook stuff, doesn’t even touch these posts. And they go up at least one day a week, where all day it’s just “woe, woe, woe is me”. Now, he could be doing stuff there in person for her, so I don’t worry about her quite as much as I would worry about a friend that lived alone. But damn, when I can almost set my watch to when the Pity Wagon starts up on her page, I just have a hard time taking it completely seriously.

The Joy Thief

Damn is it ever.

So tell me....how does one stop an obsessive mind hell-bent on comparing?

Butt Snow Angels

So this is a running gag Gloria (rest in peace) and I had going back in 2007. Somehow we got on the subject of doing butt prints in the snow.

Gloria wrote this post in January 2007:

Ok. Have to do this. Will wait till dark under a full moon … roflmao … then take the photo in the morning .... unless the snow continues in which case I’ll use my night setting and get it done on the spot!

Ass angels, ass angels …
You’re mighty fine
I can’t think of anything
that thrills me in kind.

To stalk out at night
and sit in the snow
with one moon above
and mine down here below

A picture so rare
and a one of a kind
My butt is quite scrawny
I hope you won’t mind

It’s not the aesthetics
That lead me outdoors
It’s more for the laughs
and from Walks there’ll be roars

The rest of you have to
just patiently wait
till it’s out of my system
Nona sealed my fate

By sending the note
that encouraged this gig
I hope that my neighbors
Don’t think I’m a pig.

I hope that the children
will all be asleep
when I take to my yard
and find snow that’s not deep

to sit in butt naked
and leave my I.D.
for you here in this group
to check out and see.

So Nona I thank you
for setting this up
with your cute little verse
that will show you I’m tough.

Because though I am skinny
and just have been sick
To let this escape
without doing the trick

would be just a damn shame
and I’d miss so much fun
now I’m anxious for snow
at the day’s setting sun

May not be this evening
but I’ll know when it’s right
to sneak out with my camera
and sizzle the night

With the warmth of my body
against that cold snow
then I’ll come in and try
warming up my mojo!

If you are still reading
the craziness here
you won’t be surprised
when my pictures appear.

I’ll do close ups and angles
and when they’re just right
Your email with bring you
this beautiful sight.

My butt in the moonlight
there must be some pun
to fit the occasion
But sure can’t think of one!

That’s a lie ‘cuz I have one
but a lady like me
prefers not to resort to
slang vulgarity.

So I’ll end with this note
to my friends young and old
Keep an eye out for email
that says ‘butts in the cold’.

And this is the photo she submitted Jan 20th, 2007:

Ever since then, I’d had intentions of holding up my side of the bargain.
Fire up the 1001 excuses. And sadly, Gloria passed away before I was able to honor our humor and our Butt Snow Angels agreement.

Yet, I’m happy to report, as of 7:30 am, I finally did it:

So Gloria, I miss you deeply, dear kindred soul (with a sense of humor just was warped as my own). And I know you were watching over me as I did this, to honor our friendship. *smiles*
Oh the hell we’ll raise when it’s my time to join you on the Other Side! *laughs*

Cry Out

written March 1st, 2015

As I curl up
legs tucked up
nice and warm
in this den
my room
(though the bed honestly sucks)
I realize
yet again
I am out of Touch

I’ve been listening to Brule Airo’s
Vision Quest
and before the music begins
they thank those out on
The Mountain
Crying for a Vision *
they thank those
about to Go
and they deeply thank those
Who Have Already Been
for the good of the people

And gods
how I scoffed at that
and asked aloud
what good have The People done for me
And damn
the arrogance
choked the air from me
Vision Quest is about Humility
and I’ve lost all
of mine

And the Quiet engulfed me
and let my self-centered question echo
for a time
until I could hear it
for what it is

Pride cometh before the Fall

Lose your prickly pride lil Wolf
Smooth down your porcupine quills

The fire has gone out inside me
And the only way to rekindle that Flame
is to humble myself before The Divine
upon a Mountain
and Cry out for a Vision
once more

Note * : The Lakota word for Vision Quest is Hanbleceya, which literally translates into “Crying for a Vision”

Snowy/Icy/Sludgy Walk

Apparently, Holly was being a total butthead (not that this surprises me one bit), and David kicked her out of his bedroom around 11:30 am. She of course came to see what I was doing in my room. I decided this would be a great time to go for a nice, long walk through our wooded trails, as the weather as of late has prevented that on a monumental scale.

The snow and ice is definitely melting, but there’s still enough on the ground to be pretty.

Lookit! It’s a Wolfie!

One of the two creeks that run through our wooded trails:

These may not be the most lush and gorgeous woods around, but given that we are in the HEART of a major city, they are pretty damn nice:

And, I got to thinking. When we do finally leave this apartment complex (12 months from now), I will sincerely miss these wooded trails.