I (a poem)

I am not the Salmon
swimming with the masses
packed gill to gill in the
frigid Alaskan rivers
battling to be like everyone else
struggling to do nothing more
than to spawn and die

I am more like the Great White Shark
cruising the depths
and breadth
of the shadowy, watery ways
of the oceans of the world
elusive, enigmatic
a true mystery to all
but a few

I am a Gypsy
hunted and persecuted
yet wild, untamed
FREE to be
who I am at my deepest core
traveler and lover of the
gifts this world possesses

This is I

Lurking

I'm alive.  I'm here. I'm just in full on lurk mode.

Call it depression.  Call it "my give a shit is broken".  Call it an early mid-life crisis.  Whatever. 
I come here to write and then bolt away instead.
My time is absorbed by Uno on Facebook.  What a lovely distraction.

I'm struggling with the Art Every Day Challenge for this month.  I'm doing nature based Mandalas again (yeah, for like the 4 billionth time).  I've got some really difficult critters this time around for patterns.  But I kind of relish that challenge.  I worked on a few while waiting to David to pick up some tile at Home Depot.  I am still woefully behind, but at least I'm making progress.

Apparently me speaking up at the morning has led to my hours being cut.  Now, to be fair, the boss did warn the whole group that she's cutting hours across the board and that the student-to-teacher ratio will lead to them sending un-necessary teachers home, but I was already bracing for my hours to be cut.  But for me to go from 20 hours a week to being ONE of the on-call subs?  That's rough.  I'm thinking of applying at Starbucks.  Could be fun.

Turned 32 back on the 10th.  A nice, quiet birthday with my mom and husband.  I think I'm still in shock at being that old.  And I'm comparing myself to others, which is always a recipe for disaster.

I'm way behind on my 365 Photo Challenge too.  Hopefully I can spend this week getting that caught up, along with my Art Every Day Challenge.  Next year, I'm definitely NOT doing the 365 Photo Challenge.  I'll be so glad when that's all over.  Just 44 more days of that and then I'm DONE.

Read World War Z.  Was greatly under impressed.  The movie was so much better.  I mean, the concept behind the book was great.  But after the first 50 or so survivor stories, it got to be a bit boring.  Wow, ANOTHER person survived.  I mean, my hat's off to the author to come up with so many individual scenarios on surviving the zombie apocalypse, but damn it got old real quick.  But then again, I'm not a huge zombie fan, so I didn't have that going for me.  *shrugs*  Definitely worth reading once, but not one I ever see myself picking up ever again.

Went to the Fox and Hound in Carrollton with Lisa and crew to watch UFC 167.  This was the 20th anniversary of UFC AND Georges St. Pierre was defending his title (he's my all time favorite).  We almost ended up not going, but I'm glad in the end, I talked David into.  This might be St. Pierre's last fight.  He's taking a few years off for personal reasons, but you never know if they are truly retiring or not.  I'll certainly be sad to see him go.  I'll have to pick a new runner up to favorite fighter. 

Thankful Saturday

I am thankful.....

1. for a quiet, low-key Samhain
2. my Sekhmet painting arrived yesterday and it's AWESOME!
3. my birthday is fast approaching
4. former ESD student brought me Dots from his Halloween trick-or-treating
5. all the side effects have gone away since I've been off of Geodon
6. bracelets two of my ESD students made for me
7. roasted pumpkin seeds from Allie
8. payday yesterday from BOTH jobs
9. survived the two days of being on my own in the morning job
10. postcard from Russia via Postcrossing

Samhain

Blessed Samhain.  A day to honor one's ancestors, but known and unknown (those that came before my time).  A day to honor the Beloved Dead -- and not just human.  I honor beloved pets that have passed on.

This year, Halloween day was packed to the gills with work requirements and my depression has a strong hold on me mentally.  I opted to keep my Samhain observances low-key.  I simply lit a white pomegranate-scented candle I bought specifically for Samhain and acknowledged my Dead, and wished them safe travels.  At this time of the year the Veil between the Living and the Dead is the thinnest and the Dead are able to travel here and visit the Living.

I lit the candle again today and will light it tomorrow as well.

I opted not to do any divination (another custom for Samhain) as I'll be doing a year-reading for myself soon in my Tabula Rasa ritual.
Just a nice quiet observance and honoring of the Dead. 

written Nov 1st

Go From Here

Depression is setting in.

The desire to cut is getting stronger.  Was tempted to sneak off into my office and just put a mark on my arm and blame it on being off my medication.

But it's a good thing I'm off my medication.  The arm twitches are completely gone.  The nausea is almost completely gone.  It's just fleeting now, minor little blips instead of crippling daily attacks.

So I guess it will be back to the drawing board on medication for my bipolar depression.  At least this has proved the oily voice wrong...the medicine is working and it's so nice not to battle depression over the most mundane things.

Like today's been a pretty good day all around.  We had our visit from Corporate today, but they were kind enough to skip over my classroom completely.  Nice because the lead teacher for the day, Morgan, is out (her father recently died) AND the person who was supposed to be helping me out didn't show up.  So it was just me in the classroom.  Bored as hell, but at least Corporate wasn't there, breathing down my neck.  So that's something to be happy about.  Granted, I might get my visit tomorrow, but that's ok.  The  other lead teacher, Holly, will be back and running the classroom.  I did an ok job, but I doubt Corporate would have been overly pleased.  But I'm not going to bust my ass.  I'm NOT the lead teacher and I'm not getting paid to be a lead teacher, so I won't be going all out for it.  *shrugs*  That's just how it's going down right now.  My give-a-shit is broken and I could care less (hurray for the depression flare up).

But it will get better.  It's not that bad just yet, and I'll be calling my psychiatrist soon to see where we go from here.

Off My Meds

I've been 100% off my meds since Tuesday.
But it's at my doctor's behest, so I'm not being naughty.

And if I stay on Geodon, I'll never skip a pill ever again.  I've felt like death warmed over the past 3 days.  And am just now back to eating a fourth of a meal I'm used to.  Fuzzy brained, with a 3 second delay (or more), nausea like you wouldn't believe, vertigo, headaches, chills, and hot flashes.  Felt like pregnancy and menopause all rolled into one. 

The whole reason we're doing this dance is that I've been nauseous for over a month now and have started having muscle twitches in my right arm, peeing all the damn time, dry mouth like a bitch, etc, etc, etc.  All side effects from Geodon (or at least that's what we're trying to prove at this point).

So far the muscle twitches are gone.  And I'm not peeing every 15 to 20 minutes.  The nausea is fading as the drug is coming out of my system. 

But Geodon works soooooo well with my bipolar depression that I don't want to give it up so easily.  I'd rather just do a lower dosage.  We doubled my dosage from 40 mgs to 80 mgs (which my general doctor was shocked I was on so high of a dosage and that we didn't step me up to that level, just dived right in) back on Sept 27th.  Maybe 50 or 60 mgs would be good enough to keep the bipolar in check (I was borderline manic on just 40), without all the side effects.

I was all excited to go off my meds, thinking I'd spend my time in mania and just have fun.  So far that hasn't happened (though I could be in my normal state, not manic, not depressed).  And then I got to thinking, that it's possible I could slide into depression just as easily as I could go into mania and I'm happy I'm staying in the middle of the road right now.

Though the oily voice is back and saying this just proves I don't need the medicine.  I'm sleeping better (more -- better than the insomnia I was having).  But the oily voice is back and that proves the medicine was working.  I'm not a fan of the oily voice.  That's the one that also urges for self-inflicted harm (which hasn't been more than an annoying thought since I've been off the Geodon, and I'm VERY thankful for that).

I need to call my psychiatrist at some point next week and see when this little experiment is supposed to end.  His nurse didn't set an end date.  I'm just keeping an eye on the physical symptoms at the moment and an eye on the mental stability and hoping for the best. 

Thankful Tuesday (because I forgot to do it Thurs)

Sekhmet, by Kimberly Sneed

I am thankful......

1. that my Sekhmet painting is done.  It just has to dry and then Kimberly is shipping it to me.
2. good Dedication Ritual for the Full Blood Moon I did on Saturday
3. not diabetic (got tested yesterday).
4. delicious Chick-fil-a.
5. watching 24 with David
6. Mr. Robinson asking why I was absent from work yesterday (I was ill and at the doctor's office)
7. feeling better today
8. down 20 pounds since August 19th (when I started working at Kids R Kids).
9. that I have no kids of my own
10. good friends