Thoughts on my Strength

art from Facebook

Just got done using the elliptical.  And I'm quite proud of myself. 
I don't listen to music or watch tv when I'm running on it. 
Instead, I take that time to reflect.  To ponder.  To think things out.  Figure things out.

And I've realized that all the strength I possess only shows itself when I have no other option but to be strong.
I don't push my own boundaries.  In fact, it terrifies me to push them.  To even get close to them. 
I've put myself in a neat little box and have left myself that way since I graduated from college back in 2005.

So today, I'm on the elliptical, and I've decided from the get-go that I'm going to do 15 minutes. 
Round about the 12 minute mark, the little Oily Voice tells me that it would be ok to quit here. 
Twelve minutes is good.  That I was hurting my knee by running any longer (which was not the case at all, but it's a crutch the Oily Voice likes to use).
But instead, I stay on and hit the 15 minute mark and then do another minute.  Now that extra minute may not seem like much, but doing sixteen minutes when I wanted to puss out at twelve is good for me.  Especially since I typically give into the Oily Voice. 

So many of my on-line buddies are talking about marathons they are training for.
Or are hiking up mountains.  Doing things that I cannot currently do.
Hell, that's half the reason I hopped on the elliptical today.  Was because I was inspired by my friends.
Typically, the Oily Voice would tell me that those aren't my goals.  That I don't want to do those things.  Etc, etc, in a bid to keep me on my butt. 
But today, I hopped on the elliptical before it had time to really make itself known.

I am a lot stronger than I show.  I tend to take the easy route and puss out early.  But look at where that's gotten me.
I'm 31 years old, work part time, and have no real career path in sight.  I'm not doing much and I don't really like that. 
And yet, I sit here and do nothing to change it. 
I'm scared to change.  Scared that I'll fail.  That I won't do something perfectly right the first time. 

I got to thinking too, that I almost wish I could hand over the reigns to David and have him take responsibility for me.  To make me work out and achieve more in life.
But I did that with Ken (my psycho ex).  And look at how well that turned out!  I was cutting all the time.  Drinking all the time.  Doing everything I could to make him proud of me, only to have him look down his nose each time.  Yeah, that turned out just GREAT for me.

It's sad that I'm just realizing this shit now.  I feel like I'm way behind the learning curve here. 
But hey, as the saying goes, if I'm taking baby steps, I'm lapping those who are still on the couch.
And I'm tired of being one of those still on the couch.

Now I just have to keep the motivation going.  Keep the drive going.  Keep doing the work.  Keep challenging myself.  And not letting that vile Oily Voice win. 

Photos 67 - 73 of 365

Photo 67:
  My students are OBSESSED with uni-brows and mustaches.  This simply combined the two, using a fake mustache to make a uni-brow.

Photo 68:
  The two Runes, Fehu and Uruz, that we had class/discussion over with the Coven.

Photo 69:
  Me and my Popple, my oldest toy.  I got her when I was 4 years old, so that makes her 27 years old.  I wish I had more Popples.

Photo 70:
  Another shot of the redbud trees.  I need to take my good camera out and get some GOOD shots of these.  I love redbuds.

Photo 71:
  Holly, crashed out on my sweatshirt AND the blanket.  She has a knack for finding the softest places to sleep.

Photo 72:
  I'm getting my altar ready for Ostara, the next holy day.

Photo 73:
  Saw this at Walmart when I was standing in line and got a good chuckle out of it.

Kick Up Your Heels

art via Pinterest

Kick up your heels!  It's Spring Break time!  Woohoo!

I was planning to write that last night, but I got sucked into watching Bones with David and thus didn't get around to it.

And Bones has got me to thinking....wonder if I could pull off being a forensic anthropologist?  I've already got a bachelor's in anthropology and my Mom's offered to pay for the first year of Master's school if I wish to go....  I just don't know if I could stomach the smell of rotting/burnt flesh.  The gore, I don't think would effect me...but smell....that's a whole 'nother shebang.  I plan to email the University of North Texas's anthropology grad school people and set up a time to go talk to them about the possibility of me going back and what all it would entail. 

I'm tired of floating.  Of one career idea grasping me for a while, only to lose interest in it the next month.

Fuck it.  I should just work on getting my Masters in Herpetology and get licensed to own and handle venomous reptiles.  Then I could try to get on at zoos or the Texas Parks and Wildlife, or start my own snake removal (and release) program.  I dunno.  I'm just needing something I'm passionate about.  I'd rather study wolves, but that would require a move, as Texas doesn't have wolves (outside of zoos and one sanctuary).  And I don't personally want to live anywhere north of Kansas for the winters.  *chuckles*  Because I'm a Texan and I don't do snow for more than 3 days MAX.

I've decided that for my 40th birthday, if I'm unable to afford my Polar Bear trip, I want to do a 2 month internship at Wolf Park instead.  Hell, it would be awesome if I could do both!

So yeah, like I was saying at the beginning of the entry, woohoo for Spring Break!  I've got all of next week off.  I plan to do some working out, a lot of artistic things, and some serious cleaning.  Plus shoot off an email to UNT about their Master's programs in animal biology (if they even have it) and physical/forensic anthropology. 

As for the baby-sitting gig...it's looking more and more like I won't be getting it.  They are wanting me for dirt pay, and I just can't do that.  I'm not watching a herd of boys, taking them swimming, etc for less than what I've asked.  I have an interview on the 18th for the Summer Camp, and while that pay is crap, it's at least money.  I've given the family my lowered offer, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm already giving them a huge price decrease from what I normally charge, which isn't that much higher than if you put the kids into a summer program at a day care.  I just hate it when people expect the moon for just pennies on the dollar. 

And another thing -- if they had a set amount of money they were willing to pay, why did they want ME to come up with the figure I wanted to be paid.  It would have been nice to have them say, "Hey, we'd like you to watch our kids, but we can only pay XYZ.  Will that work?"  I'd be far more willing to work with that, than them saying "Hey, we'd like you to watch our kids, what would you charge?"  And then come back with "Wow, that's WAY more expensive than we've paid in the past.  We'll have think about it."  Such bullshit.  But whatever.  We'll find a way to survive the summer.  We always do.

Class tonight with the Coven.  We're doing the Fehu and Urzu runes tonight.  If Herold is there, I'm gifting a Red tailed Hawk feather to him.  His totem is the Great Horned Owl.  And Red-tailed Hawk is the solar counterpart to the Great Horned Owl, so I thought it would be a nice gift. 

And I think that covers just about everything I wanted/needed to ramble about.

Photos 63 - 66 of 365

Photo 63

The redbud trees are blooming!

Photo 64

Holly and the "knapping" blanket.

Photo 65

Holly, trying to lick the peanut butter off her face (there's a stripe of it by her eye from the peanut butter jar we gave her).

Photo 66

One of my students holding Leviathan.  She was quite the social butterfly today.  *smiles*

Lioness in Training

ART: Lion in Flight
ARTIST: LEkROm

Another "speed dating" with the hubby.  We got to talking about my lack of motivation to work out and how it's really effecting me. 
My knee is aching.  And I know it's due to the fact that my weight is back up to its high peak.

I'm walking Holly further, which I know is partly to blame for the ache.  I just can't handle the sidewalks.  The ones by our apartment are uneven, which throws me all out of whack. 

I've decided that I'm going walk Holly the wooded trails walk three days a week (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday) and do strength training and physical therapy on those days.
Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, I'll walk her just around the apartment complex and use the elliptical.
Saturday will be my day of rest.

So today, we did our walk through the wooded trails and I just finished up my strength training.  It's shocking how out of shape I am (geez, how many times I have said that?).  And I know I'm going to be feeling it tomorrow. 

And I've gotta make myself do the elliptical tomorrow.  It's going to be a crazy day.  I'm doing my CPI training from 8 am until 4:30 pm.  Then I finish out the work day.  THEN I get to come home.  I just hope the training goes swiftly and smoothly and I get my certification easily (I've done this 4 years now, so I'm not worried).

Photos 58 - 62 of 365

Photo 58:

Just a quick lil spell to hopefully help me land the nanny gig for the summer.

Photo 59:

One of my many Zunis.  I plan to photograph each one of them at some point through out the 365 Photo Challenge.

Photo 60:

Holly, trying to entice me to play with her and what we call her "quarter flap ball".

Photo 61:

A very pissy Miss Leviathan.

Photo 62:

Candle for our "speed dating"....Holly in the background keeping an eye on David in the kitchen...just in case he decided he wanted to feed her.

Speed Dating

ART: King and Queen
ARTIST: chris.merwe
 

David came up with the idea of "speeding dating" for us for a number of reasons.

We have a serious addiction to Starbucks.  We go there every single day once we're home from work.  And while $8.44 for the two of us to get coffee doesn't sound that bad, that swiftly adds up.  It would be cheaper for us to buy a bottle of Bailey's and have a glass every night than it is to continue with our Starbucks addiction.

But we like the coffee.  We like the dark car that removes all other distractions as we wait for our coffee.  It gives us a place to unwind and talk about our day.

Instead:
- I'll have Bailey's and he'll probably make coffee at home
- we'll light a nice candle
- and we'll sit at the dining room table and talk

We tried this out Thursday night, though we didn't have the Bailey's yet, so we did go to Starbucks.  But it was so nice.  We sat there for over an hour and half just talking.

Friday, David called me while he was still at work and said he thought our speed date went very well and that he hoped I felt the same way.  And then pretended to be all awkward about asking me out to dinner.  I asked if he was taking me to Red Robin and he said "Damn girl, slow down!".  *laughs*  I love my husband.

So today, we picked up some Bailey's, and we picked up a special candle to use for our nightly "speed dating" -- that doesn't seem all that speedy, given how long we sit and talk.  *chuckles*