To Forget

written: October 04

Photo 187/1001



Witchy Tarot

Here are current Tarot & Oracle Decks all together:
- Oracle of the Dream Time
- The Jade Oracle
- Gilded Tarot
- Pathfinders Deck
- Medicine Cards
- Messenger Oracle

I wrote my final check to the ER Clinic today to pay off the last of my balance from my trip back in January. I’m so glad to finally have that off my plate.

I swear I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I seriously just want to go do XTC and have sex all over the house. I want to shave my head or at least half my head. I want to get a tattoo or three. I want to just walk out on my job and not look back.

I think my mid-life crisis revolves around the desire To Forget. I want To Forget about being sexually assaulted. I want To Forget about the shitty responses made by friends. I want To Forget that NOTHING happened to the man who raped me, even though I DID report. I want To Forget finding out this POS also gave me one of the most aggressive strains of HPV and all the painful procedures that I had to not only endure, but also had to pay for to get rid of the pre-cancerous/cancerous lesions on my cervix. Which, I’m swiftly coming up on the 10 year anniversary of that, so wheeee with the extra emotions.

I unfriend Jimmy, a guy I’ve known since Kindergarten, because of a lot of shitty things he was posting about how women ruin men’s lives with rape allegations. I’ve already done that song and dance with him about it, and I’m just done. He ended up messaging me saying he wasn’t surprised to see that I had unfriended him after his “I feel sorry for moms raising boys because a girl can just make an allegation and destroy his life” type meme bullshit he had posted, but that he had HOPED for another lively “debate/argument”.

I sat with that message for a while before writing this back to him:
“What is a discussion/argument for you, that you were able to relish and enjoy....always brought back memories of one of the most horrible things ever done to me. By the man who raped me. By friends who said the most insensitive things. To dealing with the fact that my rapist not only raped me, but also have me one of the most aggressive cancer-causing strains of HPV and going through all of that before I was even 25.

So you see, even though you were accused, it didn’t wreak the havoc on your life, as my sexual assault did.

So yeah, when things like that are posted and I’m having to relive all my trauma....I just hit my breaking my point. I can’t handle any more of it.”

And that’s what most of these men don’t get. It’s a fun, analytical debate for them, because it DOES NOT AFFECT THEM. But for me? As a survivor? I’m reliving all that trauma again and again. Why? So a man can enjoy “debating” me on it? Fuck that noise.