Damn, I got into a really dark head-space last night. No more vodka
for me. It was fun in the beginning, but then I bottomed out and
couldn't get out of there. I ended up going to bed at 9 pm because I
was entering some seriously dangerous thought-patterns. I think I'll
steer clear of the hard liquor for a while now. I have no desire to go
back there again any time soon.
But it did make me realize the drain working both jobs is putting on
me and the fact that between the two jobs, I'm working 7 days a week. I
just can't function that way.
I don't work at Starbucks on Thursday, so I'm taking that day off of
the after-school program too. I need a day to myself to reset and
recharge. I'm running on empty and that always leads to a serious
bottoming out...like last night.
At one point last night I contemplated a suicide attempt just because
it would get me committed for 72 hours. That would be a full 72 hours
in which the "real world" wouldn't bother me. I'd sleep, do therapy,
maybe some art, and that's it. *shakes her head* Like I said, very
dangerous head-space, which is why I took my punk ass to bed.
Thursday is also International Polar Bear Day. I've got my altar set
up for that. I'm going to spend a little time in front of it, just
reaffirming my dream of seeing these guys in the wild and that I'm able
to save up the necessary funds and do this trip before I turn 40. I
just need to remind myself what the big goal is here and what steps I
need to take to ensure I get there.
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