A Punch in the Face

I don't even know what the hell I'm doing most days now.
I feel so lost.
Like I'm supposed to be doing something, but for the life of me, I don't have any clue what it is.
I just know that what I'm doing right now is not it.

Yeah, the restlessness is back in full force.  I blame it on GSP's book, The Way of the Fight, which is a damn good book.  But it's lit a fire inside me. 

I need to go to my general doctor.  I need some serious allergy medicines and possibly something for the mini-migraines I've been getting.  But I keep putting it off because I'm sure the first question out of her mouth is what medication am I on for my bipolar depression.  And the second I say I'm not on anything, but that I'm feeling worlds better, she'll automatically think, "Ah, she's manic.  No one wants to come down from that high, so of course she's not on anything."  And that's not it at all.  I'm not manic.  I'm more stable than manic, and hell, I even dip down into a touch of depression from time to time, more often than I touch mania.

I just hate what the meds have done to me.  I feel like they've drained all my creativity and I'm never getting it back.  I've barely touched my art journals.  Hell, I no longer have the impulse/desire to even buy journals, let alone write in them.  And I used to hoard journals.

On a positive note, I paid and registered for the Denton Police's "Rape Aggression Defense" class for March.  So that's a step in the right direction.  I figure it will do me a lot of good.

Davis (the girl that doesn't care much for me) is still acting like we're best buds in the whole wide world.  We do our little interview tomorrow, so I'm curious to see how her behavior changes after that is accomplished and she no longer needs anything from me. 

Sometimes I wish we just had a day, like the movie The Purge put out, that it would be totally ok with punching someone in the face and no assault charges would be filed.  No weapons or anything, as I don't really wish to kill anyone.  But sometimes, a person just needs a good punch in the face.

Right now, I'm punch my aide Dylan in the throat if given the chance.  He did a no-call, no-show on Wednesday, and no one could get a hold of him, or two of his friends, who also were no-call, no-shows.  Then Thursday, he gets his MOM to call my work number and leave a voice mail saying that he was "really, really, really, really sick".  Um, I'm not 12 years old.  I understand that when you put "really" in front of something, you mean it is significant.  More than two reallys just makes me suspicious.  It's just too similar to the way the students starting trying to feed me a line a bullshit. 

So I call her back and see if I can get any information out of her, because at our school there is the flu, strep throat, and a 5 day stomach bug going around, and I wanted to know if he had any of those, so I would know to keep an eye on the students he comes into contact most, in case they wind up sick too.  But she just said he was "really, really, really, REALLY sick" and couldn't/wouldn't give me any details beyond that.  Turns out, his two friends were also out Thursday.  And then they were all out again on Friday too.  *shakes her head*  And now, come to find out, all three are well-known pot heads, and one of the guys is known to be a damn dealer.  *shakes her head some more* 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying all pot heads are horrid people.  I'm just saying be fucking smart about this shit.  Do it on a Friday night, when you have the whole fucking weekend to recover!  The same goes with alcohol or any other illegal drug you want to do.  Just don't make it MY problem, and honestly, I don't give a shit what you do.  You are old enough to make your own decisions, but understand those decisions have consequences.  And Dylan just might get fired over all of this.  The only thing I have to say on this is don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

I am so glad I have tomorrow off of Starbucks.  The past two shifts have just been utter beat downs and I'm worn out.  And turns out, Ayla, one of my favorite girls there, the one who's always been encouraging and had my back since day one, today was her last day.  Sucks.  She's on to bigger and better.  Which I guess is where my touch of melancholy is stemming from.

Still need to write about our family Christmas that we finally did on January 18th.  I'll get to that when I'm in a better state of mind.  It was great and we all had a blast.