Feral

As I inch closer and closer to my birthday (55 days away), the more obsessed I become with creating my list of birthday goals.  This year, since my mental health has been in the shitter more so than usual, I’ve been writing and rewriting my possible goals a thousand times over.  Making lists of goals gives me something to look forward to plus it distracts the mean part of my brain so it stops beating me up.

Doesn’t help with the world being the way the world is.

Job’s a bit more chaotic.  Pambie retired abruptly in August and we are without a manager until October.  So we’re all just rolling with the chaos before we have to behave like anything OTHER than the feral goblin raccoons we are.

Casting About

So many things to write about, and yet I’m casting about for the words.
Fountain pens are currently dominating my life, though that obsession is beginning to wane a bit. So hopefully, I can find a balance between physical journal writing and electronic writing. They both have their pros and cons.
I am currently hosting a journal swap with five other members. Two of which? I will not invite into another one of my swaps. ::shrugs:: It is what it is. There are only two rounds left, so it should come to a close soon, thankfully.
I need to remember my core values and ensure they are upheld.

Black Wings

It's not those with black wings who fall, but those who give up on flying.

It's not about how you look or the burdens you carry -- it's about whether you have the strength to rise above your own limits. Even in darkness, a path to the light can be found, as long as you don't let fear keep you grounded.

~ Dream Weaver AI

Black wings have always played a MAJOR role in my personal mythos and symbols.  And this quote just brought goose bumps to my body.

Hawk is the animal spirit I chose for this year.  Hawk’s message to me, is to let go of the bullshit and soar.  It’s the bullshit, and holding onto that so tightly, that keeps me grounded and unable to fly. 

A few days back, I had a dream in which a Condor (Andean Condor to be specific) caught and killed a Hawk.  Just smashed it into the ground.  And Condor, as a spirit guide?  It’s practically a supercharged Hawk.  Greater expanse.  Greater viewpoint.  Closer connection with divinity/universe/The Source.

It almost feels like I’m being told that I’m playing it too small.  Even with Hawk.  Even with loosening my grip on the bullshit that is keeping me grounded.  I’m just taking too long. 

So Condor has decided to step in and kickstart this transformation.  New Vision.  New Journey.  New Pathway. 

WOOT!

::happy fist shakes::

So I’ve been stuck on the genealogy on the G. lineage at A.G., who was born in 1800. ZERO information beyond him. Like, he just dropped out of the sky and appeared it seemed. But today.....today was I dinking around a bit (as I’m wanting to put a copy of my family tree of direct ancestors in my Book of Shadows), and just happened to stumble across some information that had a FATHER listed for him. I swear my jaw hit the floor.

I’ve been hunting this guy from every angle I could THINK of, for YEARS now, and today? Today, I just stumble upon it, so easily. So yes, now I have the name of my direct ancestor on the G. lineage SEVEN generations back.

Sure, other branches of my tree go soooooooo much further back, but this one has been a serious challenge for me. I mean, the Slavic branch is basically only as far back as the family has records (so only to my great-great grandparents), and I’ve accepted that as where the trail will go cold. It doesn’t help that the TINY town in Ukraine that this branch is from, has been a part of Poland as well, based on what WW had just ended. So yeah.....finding ANY documentation? I would legit die of SHOCK.

WIP

I’m spiraling a bit again.

Is it bad that part of me is just like “fuck it, let’s do this. let’s spiral completely and utterly out of control”…
I dunno. I guess I’ve been sitting on the brink of a mental break down for quite sometime now, and I’m just ready to cannon ball in, and get it over with. So I can begin the arduous task of putting everything back together again.

I have so many things, and yet, I am not content at all. My skin feels too tight. I have so much restless feelings, but zero energy.

Current work in progress:

I need to figure out how to make a good lavender color for the flowers....

::happy fist shakes::

Oh holy shit, you guys! The author of The Complete Encyclopedia of Egyptian Deities did a shout out for my video flip through of her book. That has been the highlight of this week! ::happy fist shakes::

I mean, the rest of the week can go play in traffic, but this? This is AMAZING and I’m beyond thrilled. I will admit that I had a moment of panic, because I have no idea what I said exactly in the video. So I scrambled to go back and rewatch it, but naw, it’s all good.

And I still stand my opinion that this book is worth its weight in GOLD. And with it being a heckin’ BIG book? That’s a whole lotta gold, I tell ya. ::chuckles::

P.S. If you wanna see said video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXMdmw_X7ik&t=1s 

Damn, that was Rough

Shit, I didn’t mean to drop that drama/trauma bomb and just skip away. ::chuckles::

Having those days off of work as mental health days, plus my weekend, did WONDERS for me. I seriously just needed the break from EVERYTHING.

I hate working full time. It’s such a scam. I expend so much energy getting through each work day, only to return home utterly exhausted. And what little energy I DO have, then gets spent on doing errands and all the things I can’t get to during the week. And there is NOTHING left over for me or my hobbies.

I know, I know, I could definitely have it worse. But, since when has someone having it worse, completely negate the suck-tasticness of what I’m going through? Sure, they are different levels of sucky-ness, but they are ALL still SUCKING ASS.

So yeah…that’s where I’m at. ::laughs:: But seriously, my mental health right now, compared to where it was on Thursday or Friday? LIGHT YEARS apart.