WOOT!

::happy fist shakes::

So I’ve been stuck on the genealogy on the G. lineage at A.G., who was born in 1800. ZERO information beyond him. Like, he just dropped out of the sky and appeared it seemed. But today.....today was I dinking around a bit (as I’m wanting to put a copy of my family tree of direct ancestors in my Book of Shadows), and just happened to stumble across some information that had a FATHER listed for him. I swear my jaw hit the floor.

I’ve been hunting this guy from every angle I could THINK of, for YEARS now, and today? Today, I just stumble upon it, so easily. So yes, now I have the name of my direct ancestor on the G. lineage SEVEN generations back.

Sure, other branches of my tree go soooooooo much further back, but this one has been a serious challenge for me. I mean, the Slavic branch is basically only as far back as the family has records (so only to my great-great grandparents), and I’ve accepted that as where the trail will go cold. It doesn’t help that the TINY town in Ukraine that this branch is from, has been a part of Poland as well, based on what WW had just ended. So yeah.....finding ANY documentation? I would legit die of SHOCK.

WIP

I’m spiraling a bit again.

Is it bad that part of me is just like “fuck it, let’s do this. let’s spiral completely and utterly out of control”…
I dunno. I guess I’ve been sitting on the brink of a mental break down for quite sometime now, and I’m just ready to cannon ball in, and get it over with. So I can begin the arduous task of putting everything back together again.

I have so many things, and yet, I am not content at all. My skin feels too tight. I have so much restless feelings, but zero energy.

Current work in progress:

I need to figure out how to make a good lavender color for the flowers....

::happy fist shakes::

Oh holy shit, you guys! The author of The Complete Encyclopedia of Egyptian Deities did a shout out for my video flip through of her book. That has been the highlight of this week! ::happy fist shakes::

I mean, the rest of the week can go play in traffic, but this? This is AMAZING and I’m beyond thrilled. I will admit that I had a moment of panic, because I have no idea what I said exactly in the video. So I scrambled to go back and rewatch it, but naw, it’s all good.

And I still stand my opinion that this book is worth its weight in GOLD. And with it being a heckin’ BIG book? That’s a whole lotta gold, I tell ya. ::chuckles::

P.S. If you wanna see said video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXMdmw_X7ik&t=1s 

Damn, that was Rough

Shit, I didn’t mean to drop that drama/trauma bomb and just skip away. ::chuckles::

Having those days off of work as mental health days, plus my weekend, did WONDERS for me. I seriously just needed the break from EVERYTHING.

I hate working full time. It’s such a scam. I expend so much energy getting through each work day, only to return home utterly exhausted. And what little energy I DO have, then gets spent on doing errands and all the things I can’t get to during the week. And there is NOTHING left over for me or my hobbies.

I know, I know, I could definitely have it worse. But, since when has someone having it worse, completely negate the suck-tasticness of what I’m going through? Sure, they are different levels of sucky-ness, but they are ALL still SUCKING ASS.

So yeah…that’s where I’m at. ::laughs:: But seriously, my mental health right now, compared to where it was on Thursday or Friday? LIGHT YEARS apart.

Blast from the Past

Whoa buddy, it’s been an intense few days.

So, Thursday, I had THE SHITTIEST blast from the past.  At the library, we had a fencing demonstration and the guy leading it?  He’s the brother to the guy that raped me.  And they look VERY similar.  Thankfully, his voice is very different from rape-y guy, or else I would have had to leave work immediately.

As it was, I broke down in TEARS driving home and then again when explaining to Hubs why I was so upset.  Needless to say, I did NOT go in to work on Friday or today.  Yesterday, I was still very raw and vulnerable.  Today, I’m doing much better, but still needed a very chill day.

An Angry Witch

I’m moody as fuck.  So you’ve been warned.

Watched this cool video on how a fellow witch plans/maps out how she’s going to utilize a bound book to be her Book of Shadows.  And I LOVE the idea.  I mean, for my Bullet Journaling, when setting up for a new month, I write out what each page will be in pencil first before going over it with pen.  Which is pretty much how she was laying out her various Books of Shadows.

But, the bulk of what she’s putting in her BoS is not stuff I would have in mine.  Which then sent me down the whole “why isn’t my witchcraft like everyone else’s?  why do I have to be the special witch out here doing shit that no one else does?”.

Which THEN sent me on the “then obviously there is a NEED for me to document and share my witchcraft, so other people have some fucking variety”.  But then what right do I have to do this when I’m barely even DOING witchcraft?  Do I really want to be one of those armchair witches?  Preaching all the things, but not DOING said things.

So now I’m sitting here, pissed the fuck off at mainstream witchcraft.  I’m pissed the fuck off at my own “lack” of witchcraft.  So I’m just sitting here stewing about what I’m going to do about all of this.

Wish me luck!  ::chuckles::

The Bones

I just finished reading a FASCINATING book. It’s Heavenly Bodies: Cult Treasures & Spectacular Saints from the Catacombs, by Paul Koudounaris. It’s heartbreaking to me to read about how these bones and skeletons of supposed martyrs were once, so lovingly adorned in precious jewels, beautiful wire work, and hand-made beautiful cloth, and revered, in the 1800s, and how present day, most (almost all) have been stripped of their jewels and clothing. Most skeletons have just been discarded like trash. Or even those who are lucky enough to remain intact, are shut away in attics or storage containers, never to see the light of day again.

At first, I was heartbroken because these skeletons were exhumed and then shipped out to various Catholic Churches, regardless of who they were (or weren’t as the case may be). But then to hear of how lovingly revered they were by their community was beautiful to hear. And then the end, where they are all mostly gone, mostly forgotten, and no longer in any standard of respect, just crushed me.

There are so many layers to sort through. I 100% support ancestor worship, and I fully believe that this was a version of that. While the skeletons may not have been martyrs, that is what they SYMBOLIZED and embodied for the people. They were a physical representation of that linage that linked them back through the ages to the very beginnings of Christianity. And I am sure, even if most of the bones were from non-Christian individuals, reverence is reverence, and that feeds the spirit (both those of the living and the dead). And to go from such a place of reverence and love…..to just being dumped into an unmarked grave? That’s just….cruel, in my eyes.

Oh, and the PHOTOGRAPHY in this book? ::chef’s kiss:: It is BEYOND perfect. I mean, just look at the cover photo alone:

---