Rumble Bumble

Welp. November came and went. Kind of in a blur, but also dragging out to the final second at the same time. I dunno. This November was just a weird month all around.

So yeah, turned 42 years old this November. I kept up my yearly tradition of treating myself to a good hair cut (cut a good 18 to 20 inches off my hair) and getting something new color-wise. This year, we’re going for platinum white in my hair. And I say going for because we are doing it the smart way and NOT trying to crisp the shit out of my hair. Some parts of it are platinum, but most are the brassy red/gold. So I’ll go back in January to re-bleach those parts to hopefully get up to that platinum white I’m wanting. And who knows how long the white will last before dump some color (most likely blue) on it. ::chuckles::

I’m hitting the end of year blues. All the things I wanted to accomplish but didn’t. And yet, there is the excitement of the new year and making new goals. Just an interesting dichotomy of emotions.

Speaking of emotions. It’s so weird to have them. ::chuckles:: I mean, experiencing them as they arise, instead of being muffled by the weight of depression mushing them down and keeping them small. So that’s an interesting thing I’m having to learn. But hey, I would MUCH rather be learning how to deal with emotions than be under the crushing weight of depression deadening everything in my life.

Working on my 2023 in Review. Basically, I go back through all my planners, calendars, journals, etc. and pull out the things that stand out – the good and the bad. This will go into the end of 2023’s bullet journal and is the foundation of my Tabula Rasa ritual.

Aaaaaand I’ve lost the steam to continue writing.

Oh, oh, oh WAIT! So yeah, there’s this YouTuber I adore – Ivy the Occultist – and she’s doing a 12 Days of Yule video challenge. And I’m so stoked about it. I do plan to record some videos out of order and before the day they are “due”, so that I can be sure to get them all done, but seriously. Super stoked. I may also end up journaling about each topic as well (depending on how pumped up I am).

Without further ado, here are the days & topics:
The schedule for uploading videos is as follows:
12/21 Share A Winter Solstice Ritual/Tradition
12/22 Share Your Altar or Decorations
12/23 Reflect On The Last Year Of Your Practice
12/24 Yule Divination, Crafts, or Charms
12/25 Feast Magick, Share A Recipe or Potion
12/26 Reflect on Death & Rebirth In Any Way
12/27 Connecting To Your Land In Winter
12/28 Spirits of Yule… Who Do You Work With?
12/29 Share Your Winter Glamours
12/30 Share A Winter Candle Spell
12/31 Share A Self Care Ritual For Winter
1/1 Where will your occult practice go next?

Samhain Ponderings

 

It's just fitting to have this realization on Samhain night, the claimed "Witches' New Year".

I've been in a bit of a stall, of a slowly descending spiral, feeling trapped and panicking, but not know WHAT is trapping me and thus having no idea on how to get OUT of said trap.

I've given myself a new lease on life, now that I have completed TMS treatments.  My depression is barely a blip on the radar most of the time.  I'm also turning 42 this year, which kind of feels like a BIG thing.  I guess since I didn't bat an eye at hitting the big 4-0, maybe I'm just a late bloomer for that and am just now feeling that milestone.

But yeah, big, life-changing things and finally feeling like I have a LIFE worth living...  A massive LIFE change there.
And yet, I just felt like I was flailing around while being completely STAGNANT.

And it hit me last night....

Typically, BIG life changes, such as on-set of menstruation, getting married, giving birthday, entering menopause, become a grandmother, etc....these are marked with a RITUAL of some sort.  Something that defines the Before and the After.  And this?  This is a BIG transition in my life.  And it DESERVES a ritual, a ceremony, SOMETHING to mark this occasion in a big way.

My spiritual practice has been merely theoretical for a while now.  Arm chair witchcraft.  A lot of thinking and pondering and contemplating...but ZERO action.  Zero DOING of witchcraft.

So yeah.  I was thinking of skipping my annual Tabula Rasa ritual this year.  But I think it's more important than ever to do it this year.  And I'm thinking it needs a FULL ritual, instead of the bland "meh" I've done the past few years.

Currently

 

Two people I absolutely adore, do this each month and I am finally gonna hop on the bandwagon.

Current Accomplishment: Starting to really get into decluttering my room; called Mom and sung her our “Merry Happy New Birthday song”.

Current Annoyance: That I can’t draw as well as I would like. Like, I’m seeing improvement….but I’m not nearly to the level I want.

Current Bane of My Existence: all this damn HEAT (hello, Texas? It’s friggin’ OCTOBER. Can we PLEASE drop down into the 80s now?). The other part of that is that the a/c kinda-sorta works at the Library, but not really? So yeah, that’s not any fun either.

Current Blessing: having the last couple of days off from work. I took Friday and Saturday off due to our anniversary, and the Library is closed Sunday and Monday, so I’m enjoying a lovely 4-day weekend.

Current Book(s): ::laugh/cry:: Yeah, I haven’t read much of anything. Focus just isn’t there.

Current Clothing Thoughts: Currently loving soft t-shirts. I do need to purchase some new items for my wardrobe soon though.

Current Color(s): standard color is always gray, but have been liking dark red as well

Current Crush: anyone wearing horns. I definitely need to buy myself a pair to wear.

Current Drink: Sprite – deviating from my constant coffee addiction at the moment

Current Excitement(s): beginning of Spooky Season! LOVE it! AND sorting out how I want to get my hair cut and what color I’ll be going with on my birthday.

Current Feeling: A bit restless

Current Fetish: listening to certain songs on repeat. Hmm, I think horns could go here as well.

Current Films: Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I know this is gonna make me sound old, but what the fuck is up with all the spinning shots? I have to close my eyes or look away because it makes me sick.

Current Food: Strawberry poptarts

Current Goal: getting back into my journaling/blogging practice. Also, would like to actually do some Tarot/Oracle deck flip throughs on my YouTube channel.

Current Guilty Pleasure: JOURNALS and SKETCHBOOKS. I have MORE than enough. Seriously. I’m good. I don’t NEED any more. ::chuckles::

Current Image(s):

Currently Listening To: the airplanes overhead and the neighborhood dogs

Current Love: these lil madeleine brownies David picks up at Target. Soooo good. And I don’t generally even LIKE brownies. ::chuckles::

Current Mindfuck: that it’s been 14 years since I said “I Do” in Vegas to my best partner in crime. How the fuck has it been FOURTEEN years???

Current Mood: Honestly? Pretty mellow.

Current Music: Devil by Phix (boy with tats and horns? Don’t mind if I do). Triggered by SkyDxddy (along with her cover of Dax’s Joker). Oh and Unhinged by Elyse Myers.

Current Music Video: Definitely SkyDxddy’s cover of Dax’s Joker.

Current Outfit: soft t-shirt, this FABULOUSLY comfortable (and SOFT) active wear pants

Current Project: getting my October Bullet Journal set up and ready to go. Also setting up a “journal” journal for the beginning for 2024. Oh, and working on hashing out birthday goals and 101 goals.

Current Reason(s) to Laugh: it’s always a toss up between something off the wall and/or hysterical my husband says or does; or something goofy my puppers does

Current Reason(s) to Smile: beautiful no-longer-quite-full moon rising in the sky, and that it isn’t BALLS HOT once the sun goes down. That’s “autumn” for ya in Texas. ::chuckles::

Current Self-Care: Doing pretty good with face cleaning (both in the morning AND in the evening) and brushing my teeth – rather proud of that, as those have never been an honest to god habit, like everyone else seems to have.

Current Self-Image Thoughts: that I look pretty damn amazing for someone of my age AND with how much I suck at taking proper care of myself. ::laughs::

Current Slang or Saying: “Ah the sounds of the Library” (complete with screaming children, fire/police/ambulance sirens {due to us being very close to a police station, fire station, AND a hospital}, various levels of swearing from our mentally unstable patrons, and anything else that is NOT relaxing noises). “Never a dull day” is running a close second.

Current Song Lyrics:
I shouldn’t take things so serious
I don’t think they mean any harm
But it would sicken you too
If it happened to you
And you had to relive every part
Here come the flashbacks
And the panic attacks
How long does that shit last I’m losing myself by the day see
And I know you all think that I’m crazy
~Triggered, by SkyDxddy

Current Triumph: having completed TMS treatment. Seriously, if you suffer from chronic depression, look into TMS. It’s been a game changer for me.

Current TV Show(s): we just finished watching all 8 seasons of Suits. So good! I’m also watching Ancient Aliens.

Current Wish List: a personal maid and chef. Everything else, I can handle. But having those? That would be AMAZING. If we are being “reasonable” I would say, some nice boots, a few more “professional” tops, and a whole slew of bookshelves to house my various journals and sketchbooks.

Current Worry: my brother is going through some health issues.

Hurray Spooky Season

I’m trying to get back into the habit of journal keeping.  Guess you can say it’s a goal right now.

I’m currently working on my upcoming birthday goals.  Trying to keep them reasonable, but still a few to push me outside my comfort zone.  Also hashing out a 101 goals in 1001 days as well.  Sometimes, I just need things to look forward to.  Things to hope and strive for.

September 30^th marked my 14^th wedding anniversary.  Fourteen years married, 16 years TOTAL together.  Just crazy, when you think about it.  I cannot believe it’s been 14 years since we got hitched in Vegas.  ::chuckles::  I’m currently working towards getting us back to Vegas for our 15^th anniversary.

I know I will kick myself later on down the road about not writing more about TMS, but man, it’s a game changer for me.  I am having to come to terms with somethings about myself.  But it’s easier now.  Like, I have the motivation and the ENERGY to actually DO things.

I’ve been decluttering my room.  It honestly, has just been a dumping ground for everything over the past couple of years.  And I know that’s a major reflection of how my mental health was taking such a massive ass beating.  And I didn’t even realize how BAD it was.  But looking at all the useless SHIT I have in my room now?  Yeah, it was bad.  BUT, this gives me a marker to use in the future.  If I just start piling things up and not even LOOKING at what I’ve purchased?  Then I need to stop and really, REALLY check in with myself.

I need to revamp the affirmations I do.  I have the ones from my TMS sessions taped up on my bathroom mirror so I can see them every day.  And somedays, I go ahead and read each one out loud to myself before I go to work.  But, most of them no longer resonate with me.  And I think 15 affirmations is just too much as well.  So, I need to figure out what I want there instead.

I’ve also taken to reading my Spirit Companions’ names out loud.  Usually, I do this as a part of my winding down, getting ready for bed routine.  I just have so many at this point, that I kind of forget who is who.  So I have their names, plus their species written down on a piece of paper that is also tapped to my bathroom mirror (it’s a huge mirror).  I have a white 7-day candle in there that I’ll also light while reading the names, as a small offering to them all.

Work is still work.  ::shrugs::  But I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.  I just don’t require self validation from my job.  It’s my job, not what I’m deriving my sense of self-worth from.  I’m still hoping that a position opens up at the library in my town.  That’s the IDEAL job at this point, as it would be a 5-minute drive TOPS to get there from my house.  ::chuckles::  Lort, that would be AMAZING. 

Other than that….hurray for official spooky season!

Out of Practice

Lort, I really fell off on writing here.  I wish I could say it was due to me writing so much more in physical journals, but that would be a lie.  Other than bullet journaling to keep my tasks straight, I have done ZERO journaling.

I dunno.  It's like my desire to write is there, but just not the motivation to actually DO said writing.

Like, I started this entry 3 hours ago and just walked away from it at the end of the previous sentence because I just didn't "want" to continue writing.  Makes me worry that another round of depression may be on the horizon.

Let's catch up on all The Things.

TMS
I completed my TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) program August 23rd.  Definitely bitter sweet as Suzanne, my Tech, was on vacation, so Kari is the one that finished it up.  They gave me a folder that has EVERYTHING broken down that we did in each session, from the book on CD to the TED Talks we watched, so that's really awesome.  It's just so weird to NOT be going to the TMS clinic each morning, as it was a staple for all of July and August.

I have seen a major difference in my moods since completely TMS.  My depression has times that it's completely gone.  Like, COMPLETELY.  Like, there isn't even the shadow of depression.  It's so weird and catches me off guard at times.  But hell, the treatment was DEFINITELY worth the time, effort, and money.

Woodshed Guitar Experience

So after my last TMS treatment, we got on the road, headed to Tennessee.  Hubs wanted to attend the Woodshed Guitar Experience in Crossville, TN.  It ended up being pretty cool.  I'll share photos of that at some point.  I haven't even downloaded them to my computer or anything.

Aaaaaaand, now it's two days later and I'm just now swinging back this way.  ::chuckles::  I'm coming back from the emotional dip and I think I'm back on track once more.  ::fingers crossed::  Let's hope so! 

Update Thingy

TMS check-in/update Thingy

Still going strong with TMS. I have 16 sessions left.
For the most part, it’s great. But yeah, going 5 days a week is beginning to wear on me. I can only handle so much happy, mindfulness training. Which, I’m sure says something about me. But I’m nothing if not contrary. So yes, the information I’m learning, the techniques are good. But yeah, after day 3…I’m snarky as fuck, and I have to do my best to keep that…tolerable. ::chuckles::

Still adore my TMS tech. She’s just super ADHD fabulous. No, seriously, she has ADHD and ALL OF THE ENERGY. So I can be a bit of a vampire and siphon off some of that energy for myself.

So yes. Still going strong. Most of the time, the treatment itself isn’t even painful any more. Just annoying. But even then, I can tune it out most of the time.

August Trip
The August trip we’ll be taking to Tennessee is looming on the horizon. I’m seriously looking forward to the trip, even if it isn’t something I would ever go to on my own. It’s a guitar thing that my husband is positively giddy about going.

Me? I’m planning to hit a zoo. Maybe some other sights. I’m hoping to meet up with Kimberly at least one of the days I’ll be up there. Another long-time journaling friend that I have never met in person. But I’m hoping to, this trip through Tennessee.

Avatar: The Way of Water
Finally got to watch this, and I adore it. It’s just an overall beautiful movie. I know, it has its faults. But man, it tugs at my heart strings....and my SOUL strings. Movies like that always leave me....ungrounded. What I wouldn’t give to have that kind of connection with animals. The only thing that would be better? Is if I was a shapeshifter.

Eh movies like that always leave me feeling a bit lost. They have me longing for something....more.

100 Days of Art
Yep, still going strong. Completed Day #96. I can’t believe I’ve stuck it with this entire time. And I can’t believe it’s almost over. I plan to extend it, and go for another 100 days. I also joined a FB group for local Urban Sketchers. I’m wanting to branch out and try this type of art out as well. I’m really enjoying the fuck out of this.

I’ve also been reading An Illustrated Journey: Inspiration from the Private Art Journals of Traveling Artists, Illustrators, and Designers, by Danny Gregory. And I just absolutely adore it. And it’s seriously inspiring. I want to have my own sketch travel journals.

Speaking of Art
Continuing the art thought train, but being its own separate train....I stumbled across a “Painting for Beginners” channel on YouTube. Completely by accident. But, the painting it offers is PERFECT for the art classes I lead at my Library Branch. So I pretty much have all of 2024 art classes mapped out. And there are still a TON more painting tutorials on the channel to keep me going for a LONG time.

So I’ll be trying those out for the rest of the year, to see what supplies and whatnot I need to put these art classes together. But man, just coming across that channel has lifted a MASSIVE weight off of my shoulders.

I get so burnout and stressed out, trying to come up with art classes that I can actually teach. But now, it’s just a matter of scrolling through the YouTube channel and picking out ones to practice. I am SO over joyed.

And of COURSE, this is giving me THE PERFECT excuse to pick up a sketchbook with thicker paper. Just so I can test these various painting tutorials out. ::grins happily::

Catch-up is the Name of the Game

Catch-up is the name of the game here. Ready? Set? Ok, let’s go!

TMS
This is going really well. On my last weekly check in (Tuesday), my scores on my depression symptoms and my anxiety symptoms put me in the non-depressive episode category. Like, I’m back in “normal” people’s range (at least when it comes to depression symptoms). ::laughs::

And I would be lying if I didn’t say I had some minor trepidation at that realization. TMS may actually significantly decrease my depression symptoms. And I panicked a bit, thinking “Who will I be, without my depression?” Meaning, I’ve had depression almost as long as I can remember. And it’s always held such a large place in my mind and my life. And without it….would I no longer be considered “neurodivergent”? As this has become a very defining term for me.

I sat with that a bit. And I realized, even if I don’t have depression…I am still not what most people would consider “normal”. I’ll still be my super quirky self….just without the WEIGHT of depression smothering me down. TMS might just allow me to fully embody my quirky self. So ya’ll better start prepping yourselves now. Because I plan to let my neurodivergence take center stage from here on out! ::laughs::

Delaware, Mother-in-Law, Brother-in-Law, oh my!
So MIL had a health crisis. This led to a WHORL-WIND trip up to Delaware. We flew out on June 30th. I flew back July 3rd. I had JUST started TMS, and it’s one of those treatments, that once you start….you REALLY need to miss as FEW treatments as possible. It’s been documented, that if you start and get about halfway through, and then try to pick it back up again…it doesn’t work. So it was imperative that I continue my treatments with as little disruption as possible.

So we fly up there. And yeah, talk about DELAYS. Actually, you know….let’s not. That wasn’t enjoyable at all. But yeah, she was in the ICU when we got there, but we got to go in and see her. Which, we really think boosted her morale. She was moved back to the surgery/cardiac floor the VERY NEXT DAY. And, the whole reason we went up there, because it didn’t look too good for her. And then she does this 180 and was doing so well that she was moved out of ICU. Even her nurses were beyond shocked.

David did text his brother, to let him know what was going on. Que up me meeting my BIL and niece for the first time ever. David and BIL were able to have a good conversation, in person, that I think cleared the air for both of them. I just hope for the best and leave that up to David how that’s going to go.

David flew back home on the 14th. His mom is currently doing very well and was at home and doing well there before he flew back. It was such a HUGE strain on David and it’s taken him a few days to get back to his normal self.

Temp Manager….VERY temp
So we got an Interim Manager on July 13th. And today was apparently his last day with us (not sure if it’s also his last day for the City as well). He was pleasant enough. I enjoyed the fact that he was NOT a chatty Kathy but that he also was very proactive on getting things fixed that needed fixing.

100 Days of Art
Still going VERY strong on this. Currently at Day 87. I’m super impressed with myself for sticking with this and branching out to try out new things. And that, even when I don’t like how a particular drawing is coming out, I tell myself “That just means I need to practice this style/subject MORE” instead of the “Oh, I suck at art”. It’s been a very NICE shift in thinking.