Danger Zone revisited

Ok, meeting with the Nurse Practitioner went SO amazing well. I absolutely ADORE her. And that’s hard to get out of me on initial meetings.

Plus, she was astute enough to look at the Psychiatrist’s notes and we went over those. And she recognized that there is some serious trauma, and said we wouldn’t be delving into them, but that she just wanted to verify the information was correct. ::HUGE sigh of relief::

She thinks there’s a bit of PTSD lingering from Psycho Ex and some abandonment issues around my father (gold star to her on both of those) and suggested EMDR treatment later on, if I felt like that was something I wanted to pursue.

So now we are just waiting to hear back from insurance if they will cover the treatment or not.

Helpful Suggestions
There were a number of helpful suggestions on various things people have done to work with their depression. And I know that NONE of the suggestions were given out in a manner of “oh hey, do this and it works perfectly”.

But......

Please understand as well, that I’ve been dealing with my depression, anxiety, trauma, panic attacks, aggression, etc., for damn near 30 years.

Meditation
I’m a motherfucking Pagan…do you think I have never TRIED meditation? Be it for spiritual, mental, or just overall well being?
For me, meditation is very much a double edged sword. Sometimes, I have zero issues with it and, yes, it can be quite calming. Other times, by stilling all the swirling thoughts in my head, it simply AMPLIFIES the depression voice and makes everything a THOUSAND times worse.

Eating Better
Yes, I’m very aware that my current eating habits would make a rabid raccoon look like a Health Guru.
And I’m very aware that various foods DO have an impact on one’s physical, psychological, and mental states.
However. Right now? I’m in survival mode. I’m eating comfort, “safe” (meaning ones that I know I will like, that I don’t have an issue with texture or taste) foods just to keep me going. Cutting out all of my comfort foods right now would do the exact opposite of what we are attempting to accomplish here (i.e. keeping me alive).
So yes, I am cutting back on the amount of comfort food. And I’m slowly introducing healthy foods. But that’s going to be a process, not something just one and done.

Coping Strategies
Oh trust me, I have a SHIT TON of coping strategies. But I’m always all ears to hear new ones. Please, feel free to toss those out at any point. If it’s something that has worked for you or a close loved one, I would love to hear it. Because, even if it doesn’t work for me, it might spark an idea on something else I can try.
This is one of the things the Nurse Practitioner actually complimented me on – ALL the various coping strategies I have, have tried, are modifying so they work better. Trust me, TONS of various ones, both conventional and non-conventional. Hmm, I should do an entry listing out all my Coping Strategies. Might be helpful for others. And if nothing else, it should spark some sort of dialog, in which I can also learn a new trick or two.

Sleeping Habits
Yes, I utilize my phone, in bed, as part of my unwinding and getting ready to sleep routine. Yes, I am aware of all the studies out there that say you should turn off all electronics and definitely do NOT have them in the bedroom. I do a coloring app and switch on my Apollo Neuro specifically to either the Unwind vibe or the Sleep vibe. I have a specific CD that I listen to every night, and have done so for well over a year now.
Yes, it takes me a little over an hour to fully unwind enough to go to sleep. I still awake up in the night at least once (usually twice) and am up for around 15 to 20 minutes and then I’m able to go back to sleep.
I know all the studies that say you should be getting a solid sleep the entire night through. The only times I’ve experienced that was when I was sick, drunk, or had been up for 4+ days in a row. Sure, I can take sleeping pills or ZQuil. But I have the habit of SERIOUSLY abusing those, so I try to stay away from them.

Exercise
Yes, I know all about the benefits of exercise. I have been quite fit at various points in my life.
It’s just the major shake up that completing my Master’s degree and leaving behind a career field that I had been working in since I was 14, did a huge number on me. Also going from part time to full time work took a serious adjustment.
And it’s hard to get out and walk the dog (one of the things I really enjoy) when the heat is so horrid. Our heat index today was 117 – temperature was 99. And it’s only supposed to get hotter at the week continues.
I am on a number of psych drugs – many of which that effect my body’s ability to regulate internal temperature. I’ve also had heat stroke before. And it just makes you more susceptible for heat stroke from then on out.

In Closing
This isn’t an attack on anyone. This isn’t me saying don’t share your suggestions. Just, know that in the 30 yrs I’ve been dealing with this, I HAVE heard of meditation. I HAVE heard of kale. And trust me. If doing yoga, eating kale, and doing daily meditation would cure the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain, I would be all over that.

Love you all and wishing you NOTHING but the absolute best.

Danger Zone

Man, I’ve been bottoming out BAD these last few days. And I know it’s due to having to discuss my traumas over and over and over again with the various people at the TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) Clinic. I’m just.....over it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

I had a Zoom meeting with the tech that will be doing the TMS on me. I like her well enough. But....I dunno. Something feels a bit off. The Clinic I’m going to has the highest success rates in the nation.... Because they combine TMS with therapy and working through a Mindfulness about Depression (or something along those lines) book as well. And I dunno…just getting cult-ish vibes. But that COULD be due to me listening to all these true crime videos – predominately ones about cults. So yeah.

Oh, and they do counseling as well. Which is another reason why they have such a high success rate. But man, I am NOT wanting to process any of this shit right now. Just zap my brain and let’s be done with it.

I go tomorrow for my meeting with the Nurse Practitioner (NP) tomorrow morning. I’m sure I’ll have to go through my trauma AGAIN at this point. Honestly, for my own mental health, I think I’m going to tell her to pull up my file – either the 4 hour long Clinic questionnaire I did, or the recap with the Psychiatrist, OR the one I did with the Tech. Because, I don’t have it in me to go through ALL of that AGAIN. I mean, I’ve rehashed my trauma more times in the past couple of WEEKS than I have in YEARS and my mental health is taking one HELL of a beating for it.

In non-TMS/Trauma news, we are FINALLY out of the Ransomware Era at work....kind of. ::laughs:: We are about 25% up. We can check OUT all the damn items we’ve been just keeping in Word Docs, and we can update patrons’ accounts AND create new accounts. But that’s it. Our catalog and all that jazz is still completely down. We spent 44 days completely down. And man, I KNOW I’m going to miss the shit out of how calm and peaceful work has been. But all good things must come to an end. ::sighs::

I got my physical done with Dr. O – required for the TMS Clinic. And for the most part, everything was about what I expected it to be. But my weight was a LOT higher than the last time I was in her office, and I’m NOT happy about that one bit. Gonna have to get on that soon. Guess my diet of coffee, donuts, cigarettes, and peanut butter isn’t that sustainable. Yeah, I’ve been COMFORT feeding for a while. ::looks up at the whole TMS thing:: Yeah, can’t IMAGINE why I’m doing that.

And after my appointment with Dr. O I had to do a blood draw (again to screen for all the things my Psychiatrist wants me screened for). That required SEVEN vials of blood plus a cup of urine. I am very proud of myself. I didn’t get woozy until the 7th vial. But yeah, got SUPER lightheaded, sweating, and nausea. ::chuckles:: Good times.

And then later on this month, I’ll be doing my yearly gyno visit as well. You know, I’m about OVER June and all these various doctor/health appointments.

BUT, something cool. I DID finally buy myself an Apollo Neuro. I’ve been eying them for over a YEAR, but the price kept it out of reach. But with the income tax return being so nice, and my mental health being ALL OVER the board, I figured, this couldn’t hurt. And man, I ADORE it. No clue if it actually HELPS with calming or energizing or any of that. But I find the vibrations just soothing if nothing else. Comforting. So, even if that is ALL it does? I’m happy I bought it. I wear it on my ankle at the moment. Though I do want to get a smaller band, so I can wear it on my wrist at night.

End of May

Gotta be quick and squeak this in while it’s still May. ::chuckles::

TMS Appointment
So I had to take this CliniCom mental health assessment and the secretary did warn me that it was quite in depth and generally takes people 2 to 2.5 HOURS to complete.
It took me THREE AND A HALF friggin’ hours, to complete it.

Mostly it’s because they wanted me to list ALL the psychiatric medications I have taken OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE, along with dosage amounts, the TIME FRAME in which I took them, and reasons why I am no longer taking specific ones. Like, is this something I should have been keeping records of? I mean, I can see how keeping a list of psych meds that DON’T work me, might be beneficial.

And then they had various trauma related questions.

Honestly, I am surprised I got through it all without spiraling out mentally. Because I was having to dredge up some ooooooold skeletons out of the dark corners of closets I generally do not even open any more.

All of this, so that Monday, May 22nd, I got to go in for my initial TMS consultation. Hopefully, I’ll get the green light on that and can start magnetizing my brain daily for a while. Coworker Carly just finished up her TMS treatment and recommends it. It is by no means a CURE for depression. But she said it did definitely benefit her, so here’s hoping!

Assessment went very well. I have to get a physical done with blood-work, that I’ll be getting all done (plus my yearly gyno visit) in June. I have my 2nd consultation for TMS on the 19th. At that point, I think they’ll let me know if insurance has agreed to pay. If not, well, they also offer ketamine treatments that I KNOW are not insurance covered. And if I’m paying for treatment 100% out of pocket, I would rather be tripping balls on Special K, that getting magnetic waves zapped into my brain meats.

Health Binder Thoughts
I really should get a print out of that assessment and begin a health document binder of some sort. Just keep up with dates that I’ve had various procedures on, maybe my health directive, etc., as well.

Work
We are now into Day 29 of the Ransomware Era. Pambie (my boss) is still out. Still haven’t heard if she’s had her surgery yet or not. ::shrugs:: We’re just in this weird kind of.....limbo.....waiting.

But I’m enjoying the FUCK out of the downtime. In the mornings, when I’m in the back (would normally be checking in books), I work on my daily art piece or in my other sketchbook, and just RELAX. I LOVE this so much. I wish we could keep it this calm and relaxing, but still be able to check books in and out as needed.

I seriously am going to be heartbroken when the Ransomware Era comes to an end, and I actually have to start doing my full job duties once more. I just wish work could be THIS friggin’ chill, with a completely working system as well.

YouTube Channel Thing
How can I have so many topics I want to talk about, but hit a blank wall when I try to do a video discussing said topics??? Because that’s exactly what is happening at the moment. ::sighs:: I need to get a good phone mount for the house, that I can then do Deck flip-throughs and what not. ::looks at all her decks, many of which were limited runs:: Yeah, that would give me a LOT of footage.

Definitely NOT Boring

Hmmm, seems I’m only good for about one entry a month.  ::chuckles::

Maybe I’ll get more written this coming work week.  The City I work for got hit with some ransomware and 95% of the programs we use to run the library are currently down.  And have been down since Wed, May 3^rd.   So we are getting a bit of a vacation at the moment.  Though, once the systems are back up and operational, we will be spending HOURS manually checking books out on people’s accounts.  We currently have that all saved in various Word Documents.  Oye, that is going to take AGES to get done.

Ah, since the last time I wrote, some crazy ass shit went down at work.  My boss fell and broke her shoulder, so she hasn’t been at work since April 18^th.  She had surgery on May 5^th, but we have NO idea when she’ll be back in.  While I am sad that she’s that seriously injured, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a nice reprieve from her busy-body-ness.

Income tax return came in.  And while I was dreaming up all these things to spend it on?  I haven’t done a damn thing with it.  ::laughs::  I guess I’m having serious executive dysfunction with it.  So it’s just been sitting in my account this entire time.  I finally moved half of it into savings, along with the standard $200 from my paycheck.  Man, that savings account is looking NICE.  ::chuckles::  Honestly, I should just hire someone to come clean out my bedroom.  ::chuckles::  Still slowly clearing it out, but it’s seriously slow going.

I dunno.  I just feel like I’m standing in place, while everyone else is running around, accomplishing these Fabulous Big Goals.  And I certainly don’t begrudge my friends doing all these fucking amazing things, because they are AMAZING things.  But I’m looking at myself like, what the fuck have I accomplished this past month?  Thus far into 2023? Hell, we can even go back to 2022.  I just feel….stuck.  Stagnant. 

And for me, looking at how things go for me?  I always feel stagnant right before a BIG shift in my life.  So I’m sort of worried about what’s about to get shaken up.  What rug is going to be pulled out from under me.  It’s a mix of dread, but also anticipation.  SOMETHING is going to shake up, and get me out of this rut….but the shaking isn’t always pleasant.

My newest hyperfocus is listening to CreepyPasta stories on YouTube.  I have no idea how many I’ve listened to or how many hours I’ve logged.  Suffice it to say, PLENTY.  My favorites are the park ranger stories, the strange rule stories, and anything involving cryptids.  I just can’t get enough of ‘em. 

Rose petal beads were a bust this time around.  I forgot about them for a few days, and they were a bit furry.  It didn’t affect the way they smelled or anything.  But I don’t think it’s a wise idea to use moldy roses to make things that I’ll be offering to deities and spirit entities.  ::shrugs::  And it’s not like Titan is still throwing up NEW canes with dozens of rose buds on them currently.  I’ll have plenty of roses to do another go around.

I’ve got 4 new spirits I’m bonding with.  This brings me up to 57 spirits…..with another 2 on the way.  ::chuckles::  I see lots of orbs now days.  And knocks and clicks and slithering sounds don’t even phase me.  Seeing things out of the corners of my eyes is commonplace.  Though, anytime one of the spirits makes physical contact, it makes me jump.  My Lead Barghest (a dog like spirit) loves resting her head on my right shoulder, so I’ve gotten used to that familiar weight. 

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to.  Trying to get unstuck from my rut.  Playing with a WIDE array of spirit entities.  Conversing with the Harpies on the regular, as this is storm season.  And then, all the mundane shit as well.  ::chuckles::  Even when I feel stagnant….my life is certainly anything BUT boring.

Brain Dump

April 11^th was my 17^th anniversary of being NSSI (Non-Suicidal Self-Injury) free.  Normally, I would write some fabulously upbeat entry about it being 6,205 days since the last time I engaged in NSSI behavior.

But not this go around.  The next day, I bottomed out bad.  Not quite to the point of being a danger to myself…but I could see that looming on the horizon.  The past few years have REALLY tested my resolve to not engage in self-harm.  And for now, I’m holding onto my track record.  But I’m not 100% sure if I’m even doing myself any HELP right now by refusing to engage in it.  ::shrugs::

Work’s ok.  Kind of hit this lull where we are all getting along for the most part.  Marriage is going strong.  Spirituality is returning.  And, most shocking of all, I am LOVING doing videos in the Pagan FB group and have done a few for my YouTube channel.  I even bought a phone mount for my car, so that, should traffic prove to be an absolute bitch, I could record something while I wait out traffic.

We are getting a VERY NICE income tax return.  And of course, my head is just SWIMMING with dreams and desires and wishes to spend the money on.  I do plan to squirrel a large portion of it away into my savings.  I should be breaking the $14k level soon, even without the extra bump from the tax return. 

I sit here at times, just FLOORED by the fact that things, honestly, are really looking up.  I am aggressively paying down my final credit card bill.  I am able to sock away at least $400 a month specifically to savings.  And that still leaves me breathing room with what I have in checking, that I’m able to slowly continue to upgrade my wardrobe and replace things that should have been replaced YEARS ago.  I mean, a few years ago, I was barely making ends meet with my personal finances.  And now?  Now I’m sitting quite well.  But I’m under zero illusions that it will always remain this way.  Hence why I try to squirrel quite a bit away and purchase the things I NEED. 

I don’t know if the plan to visit Boston in the fall is still on.  We would be going to attend one of Hub’s coworker’s wedding.  If we end up not doing that, I’m taking my ass to Wolf Park.  I NEED something to really feed my spirit, and that will fill it to overflowing.

I do plan to buy some goose food and make it a point to go visit my Canada Geese Hoard.  I miss them something fierce right now.  And it would also be good for my soul to just go hang out with them, and be my normal Cryptid Self – the Lady Who Keeps the Geese In Line.  The Lady to Whom the Geese Answer.  The Lady to Whom the Geese Come When She Calls.  ::smiles::

I am currently working on grinding up some of Titan’s rose petals to try my hand at making rose beads again.  I am envisioning making a small necklace to adore one of the Sekhmet icons I have.  And some of the Spirits I keep, enjoy roses as offerings.  So I’m also envisioning making strands of rose beads to drape around my altar.  I am going to see if I can dry them in my dehydrator or if they need to air dry for best results. 

Yep, that seems like a good place to end this entry.  Until next time!

Videos and things

Since I’ve been doing little videos here and there in one of my Facebook Pagan groups, I find myself wanting to do MORE videos. But then I’m at a lost of what to make them about? I’m sure few people want to listen to me wax poetically (aka RAMBLE) on YouTube. ::chuckles:: Honestly, I just need to drill down on some of the 80+ topics I want to chat about, and figure out a base script for each one. I’ll get there at some point.

My order of the W.I.T.C.H. Oracle cards arrived today, and I friggin’ SWOONED over so many of the cards. Just gorgeous. I know I definitely want to do a proper flip-thru of that deck. Especially since you can’t get it now if you didn’t back it on Kickstarter back in 2021. Yeah, that’s how long I’ve been waiting on this deck. But I tell you, SO WORTH THE WAIT. I just need to figure out how to set up my phone to record top down, so the cards aren’t backwards. I’ll figure something out. And if I can’t, I’m sure Hubs can create SOMETHING for me. ::chuckles::

I am finding it harder and harder to collect my thoughts into a linear path. My train of thought is much akin to herding cats.....while using a vacuum cleaner. It is just ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

Hmmm, let’s see, what else?
Oh! Littlest Niece got her leg x-rayed last week and it healing completely fine! So she’s out of the boot and doesn’t have to do anything else at this point. Woohoo!

I will be seeing Dr. O. (my primary) April 3rd to discuss my increasing migraines. I had to be taken off my preventive migraine medication because it was creating MASSIVE kidney stones.

Haven’t heard back from the Endo even though Dr. O. sent over the referral on the 15th. And honestly? If Dr. O. didn’t recommend me going, and she’s the one that sees all the thyroid tests we’ve done in the past few years, then I’m not going to sweat it. If they call me, great. If they don’t, meh. Don’t really care at this point.

Dr. O. also sent in a pre-authorization request for me to do the Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Carly did her first session on the 16th and said it was quite painful – like a sinus headache that she could also feel in her teeth, but that it only lasted 5 minutes or so. Her headache honestly sounds like one of my run-of-the-mill migraines, so I’m still pushing onwards to this possibility.

April, a FABULOUS fucking friend, got a snake! ::smiles:: So I’ve been enjoying the “newness” of her being a snake mommy. Seriously, I absolutely ADORE her enthusiasm and just SHEER JOY in experiencing most of life. And I am LOVING listening to her babble about her scaly baby so much. And I’ve given her some tips and tricks that I’ve learned over the YEARS with Leviathan.

I FINALLY received my journal and Sharmila’s journal from Raven (in England) this week. It was supposed to be mailed out back in JANUARY, but Raven hasn’t adhered to the swap agreements what-so-ever. I’m just glad to have the journals back in my possession. I’ll work in Sharmila’s before sending it back to her in late April. But yeah, needless to say, Raven is banned from any of my other journal swaps. ::shakes her head:: Just ridiculous.

Burnt Out

I’ve come to realize that I’m completely burnt out.

I’m burnt out on teaching classes at my Branch, even if they are classes on things I ENJOY.
I’m burnt out on helping people and being super nice.
I’m burnt out on socializing.
I’m burnt out on working with the public.
I’m burnt out on having to deal with the constant level of bullshit and drama from coworkers.
I’m burnt out on the drive to and from work.

I’m just burnt out.
And it seriously sucks because we are heading towards summer, which is when things get SUPER busy at the Libraries, and I’m already loathing that.

I need to call my various doctors tomorrow to get the various balls rolling on the various treatment options I am looking into. Wow, how many times can one say “various” in one sentence? ::chuckles::

I need to have Dr. O write a letter to my insurance, telling them why I am a candidate for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and/or Ketamine Therapy. Carly (my work BFF) goes in for her TMS consultation on the 16th, so I’m hoping she can give me a bit more insight as to what that’s going to entail. She says that insurance is covering all but $900 of the treatment. I can afford that. I just need this depression to go away.

I also need Dr. O to send over any labs/testing for my Thyroid to the Endocrinologist I am wanting to see. Also need to get Dr. H to do the same thing, since she’s the one that wants me to see an Endocrinologist. And once the Endo gets all of that, reviews it, then they will contact me to set up an appointment.