Videos and things

Since I’ve been doing little videos here and there in one of my Facebook Pagan groups, I find myself wanting to do MORE videos. But then I’m at a lost of what to make them about? I’m sure few people want to listen to me wax poetically (aka RAMBLE) on YouTube. ::chuckles:: Honestly, I just need to drill down on some of the 80+ topics I want to chat about, and figure out a base script for each one. I’ll get there at some point.

My order of the W.I.T.C.H. Oracle cards arrived today, and I friggin’ SWOONED over so many of the cards. Just gorgeous. I know I definitely want to do a proper flip-thru of that deck. Especially since you can’t get it now if you didn’t back it on Kickstarter back in 2021. Yeah, that’s how long I’ve been waiting on this deck. But I tell you, SO WORTH THE WAIT. I just need to figure out how to set up my phone to record top down, so the cards aren’t backwards. I’ll figure something out. And if I can’t, I’m sure Hubs can create SOMETHING for me. ::chuckles::

I am finding it harder and harder to collect my thoughts into a linear path. My train of thought is much akin to herding cats.....while using a vacuum cleaner. It is just ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE.

Hmmm, let’s see, what else?
Oh! Littlest Niece got her leg x-rayed last week and it healing completely fine! So she’s out of the boot and doesn’t have to do anything else at this point. Woohoo!

I will be seeing Dr. O. (my primary) April 3rd to discuss my increasing migraines. I had to be taken off my preventive migraine medication because it was creating MASSIVE kidney stones.

Haven’t heard back from the Endo even though Dr. O. sent over the referral on the 15th. And honestly? If Dr. O. didn’t recommend me going, and she’s the one that sees all the thyroid tests we’ve done in the past few years, then I’m not going to sweat it. If they call me, great. If they don’t, meh. Don’t really care at this point.

Dr. O. also sent in a pre-authorization request for me to do the Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Carly did her first session on the 16th and said it was quite painful – like a sinus headache that she could also feel in her teeth, but that it only lasted 5 minutes or so. Her headache honestly sounds like one of my run-of-the-mill migraines, so I’m still pushing onwards to this possibility.

April, a FABULOUS fucking friend, got a snake! ::smiles:: So I’ve been enjoying the “newness” of her being a snake mommy. Seriously, I absolutely ADORE her enthusiasm and just SHEER JOY in experiencing most of life. And I am LOVING listening to her babble about her scaly baby so much. And I’ve given her some tips and tricks that I’ve learned over the YEARS with Leviathan.

I FINALLY received my journal and Sharmila’s journal from Raven (in England) this week. It was supposed to be mailed out back in JANUARY, but Raven hasn’t adhered to the swap agreements what-so-ever. I’m just glad to have the journals back in my possession. I’ll work in Sharmila’s before sending it back to her in late April. But yeah, needless to say, Raven is banned from any of my other journal swaps. ::shakes her head:: Just ridiculous.

Burnt Out

I’ve come to realize that I’m completely burnt out.

I’m burnt out on teaching classes at my Branch, even if they are classes on things I ENJOY.
I’m burnt out on helping people and being super nice.
I’m burnt out on socializing.
I’m burnt out on working with the public.
I’m burnt out on having to deal with the constant level of bullshit and drama from coworkers.
I’m burnt out on the drive to and from work.

I’m just burnt out.
And it seriously sucks because we are heading towards summer, which is when things get SUPER busy at the Libraries, and I’m already loathing that.

I need to call my various doctors tomorrow to get the various balls rolling on the various treatment options I am looking into. Wow, how many times can one say “various” in one sentence? ::chuckles::

I need to have Dr. O write a letter to my insurance, telling them why I am a candidate for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and/or Ketamine Therapy. Carly (my work BFF) goes in for her TMS consultation on the 16th, so I’m hoping she can give me a bit more insight as to what that’s going to entail. She says that insurance is covering all but $900 of the treatment. I can afford that. I just need this depression to go away.

I also need Dr. O to send over any labs/testing for my Thyroid to the Endocrinologist I am wanting to see. Also need to get Dr. H to do the same thing, since she’s the one that wants me to see an Endocrinologist. And once the Endo gets all of that, reviews it, then they will contact me to set up an appointment.

Tornadoes and Special K

Ok, so first things first. We got one HELL of a storm last night. As it stands right now, there are reports that at least 6 tornadoes touched down because of that storm. Thankfully, none of them touched down here. We just got 80 mph straight winds for a few hours and a whole lotta rain and thunder. We even lost power for about an hour, and we almost NEVER lose power (we’re close to a police station and a hospital, so our grid is usually very protected).

But yeah, hella storms last night. And today is bright and clear skies as far as the eye can see. Other than a few downed branches, you couldn’t even tell.

So, Ketamine. Yeah, good ole Special K drug. Apparently it’s good for treating treatment resistant depression. So I brought this up to my General Doctor and she highly recommends either that or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.

I thought I was doing the right thing, calling my insurance company first, to see if it’s even covered. But apparently, this is the WRONG way to go about it. I have to have my doctor submit a request for it. Then a medical board (that works for the insurance company) reviews it, and THEN I’ll receive a letter telling me either A) it’s been approved or B) it’s been denied and why it was denied.

I am trying to get this treatment because MY DEPRESSION IS BAD and it’s resistant to most treatments. I’ve had to double two of my psych meds. I’m maxed out on the 3rd one. And I’m still barely keeping my head above water.

And THEN, on top of all of this, I received a voicemail from the Endocrinologist that I’m supposed to see on the 22nd. Not only is the doctor going to be unavailable for the two weeks that my appointment falls on. BUT, apparently they are referral ONLY. The nurse was honestly bewildered how I was even ABLE to make an appointment, as their system should have blocked me.

So now, I have to also call my gynecologist, as she’s the one that wants me to see an endocrinologist, and get her to send in a REFERRAL and all the necessary paperwork the endo requires. But I made this appointment back in JANUARY, so who the fuck knows when I’ll get an appointment? ::snarls::

I seriously LOATHE insurance companies. These things should NOT be run as for-profit businesses. It’s such a bullshit thing.

Gifted

So, apparently Littlest Niece is as gifted and graceful as our family is.

She fell off a little slide, that was covered in a rubber mat, with rubber chips on it.....

And she BROKE HER FUCKING LEG.

And she just told her dad (my brother) that she had a boo-boo and needed a band-aid. It wasn’t until later that night that she kept complaining about having a boo-boo and stopped putting weight on it.

So she’s in a boot for the next 4 weeks. At that point, they’ll x-ray her leg again, and decided on where to go from there.

Wolfie 2.0

So I re-stumbled upon a particular motivational speaker on YouTube. I say “re-stumbled” because I’ve watched his videos previously, but this time around, they really struck a cord with me. Note: YouTuber I’m talking about is Clark Kegley.

I mean, he STRONGLY advocates for keeping a journal, so of course I’m intrigued.

So I’ve been doing some serious reflecting and self-truth-telling (which, even tho I’m 100% Scorpio and can see to the deep depths of others, I RARELY enjoy turning that laser sight on myself). And I’ve been asking myself, what would Wolfie 2.0 look like (taking from Kegley’s concept of Wolfie right now is 1.0; what would the next evolution of Wolfie look like – hence Wolfie 2.0). Like, if everything went perfectly and according to plan, what would I look like in my wildest dreams?

And I’m realizing…while I’m FABULOUS at making goals, I suck serious ass when it comes to following through with said goals.

So that’s what I’m focusing on at the moment.

And using Jashii Corrin’s (another YouTuber) monthly goal check-in system is also making sure I check-in with each individual goal every month.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to discuss my anti-depression medication regiment. Depression has been kicking my ass 7 ways ‘til Sunday. And honestly, I’m tired of just holding on.

So this is me, embracing my Word of the Year: Proactive.

Instead of waiting around for my depression to get better, I’m trying to improve it.
Instead of waiting around for my ideal self to just magically appear, I’m seeking to understand how and why I sabotage myself, over and over.

::chuckles:: Man, I understand now, why people would get spooked when I turn my Scorpio laser vision on them, and see through all their bullshit (regardless if they were trying to pull the wool over my eyes, or just over their own eyes). This shit sucks.

But Wolfie 2.0, with her kick-ass life, doing kick-ass things? She isn’t going to just magically materialize out of the ether.

More Rambles

Brain weasels are behaving (mostly) today. So time to revisit variously topics.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
I get to go to work tomorrow. Working 11 am to 5 pm, but am getting paid for the entire day. So that’s a sweet deal. And since I did some training today, I get to count today as a “work from home” day.

Restless
Yep, still restless, but it isn’t as bad as it was yesterday. Did get a bit of cleaning done on my white altar. Not 15 minutes worth, but hey 10 minutes is better than nothing. But at least I have some done, and a better idea for my next attack.

New Topic: Mindfulness Candles
I came across these friggin’ ADORABLE Mindfulness Candles on my merry lil jaunts around the InterWebs. But I ain’t paying $18 for 5 friggin’ candles and a candle holder, to then also pay another $13 in shipping. So I thought to myself, how can I cheap witch this. Birthday candles are about the same size and a hell of a lot cheaper. So now I just need a candle holder that will work with such small candles. I plan to take an empty tealight holder that I have, fill it with hot glue, and place one of the plastic birthday candle holders in it until the glue cools. Hopefully, I can pop out the plastic candle holder and just have an indent in the harden glue. Then I can try out my cheap witch hack and see if it will work.

I mean, I kind of love the idea of keeping it simple. Just lighting a candle, and spending some TIME in front of my altar. It will probably take me a while to work back up into big rituals again. But this? This is simple and something I am pretty sure I can keep up with, even on my low energy days (aka, when the Brain Weasels are being horrid).

Brain Weasels

The brain weasels are NOT playing nice today, so I’m just going to ramble along and see if I can just brain dump ‘em out.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
aka: Welcome to Texas, we don’t know how to handle this shit.
Yeah, so we are getting hit with ice and sleet and snow at the moment. I haven’t been to work yet this week, and tomorrow my branch is closed. Which is kind of nice. It’s like an unplanned staycation. But at the same time, it would be better if I could actually DO things I want to do. Like get cinnamon rolls, damn it.

MIA Journals
aka: I’ve never had journal swaps go this poorly EVER.
I did two journal swaps in 2022 and they BOTH went the poorest I’ve ever had in the YEARS I’ve been doing journal swaps. Thankfully the first one finally wrapped up, and everyone got their journals back in a reasonable amount of time. And other than April’s lovely journal being chewed on by a swap member, who is now black-listed from ever doing any of my swaps EVER AGAIN, they are all reasonably intact.

Which brings me to the second one. It’s an international one, so I knew going into it, that it was going to be a much slower moving swap. But goddamn, the English Chic has dropped the ball so many times. She was supposed to mail my journal and Sharmila’s journal (because she ended up with both because SHE FUCKED UP) on Jan 23rd. I’ve reached out to her in the journal swap group AND have sent her 2 direct messages, asking if she’s mailed them and all I’ve gotten thus far is crickets. Oh, but she posts stuff all over Facebook, no problem. But just won’t answer my messages. ::growls:: I’m pretty much given up on ever seeing my journal ever again. Needless to say, she is also black-listed, and will not be allowed to participate in my swaps ever again.

Restless
aka: I feel like I should be doing something....NEED to be doing something....but I have no idea what it is.
Like, I have plenty TO do, but zero focus/desire to DO those things. Instead, I kind of wander from room to room, feeling a bit lost.

I know part of it is stemming from the fact that I need to do a SERIOUS declutter and deep clean of my room, but it feels like such a huge task that I get overwhelmed before I even start. Like, how stupid is that?

Tomorrow though, I’m going to set a 15 minute timer, and make it a game to see how much I can clean/clear out before time is up.

I mean, I can’t hygge the shit out of my room like I want to, until there is ROOM for the stuff I do want. But I just can’t get started. Like, I hype myself up. Tell myself, ok, let’s do this. And then I get up to my room and am like “oh god, I can’t do this” and turn around and go back downstairs. I mean, at least I’m getting in some walking, but still, I’d rather have done the damn cleaning.

Daddy Issues
aka: I’m too old for this shit.
Yeah, not contacting him. There’s no real benefit, so why put myself through that shit? I know this is going to sound harsh, but I wish he would kick the bucket already and I can truly, finally close that damn chapter.

I think I may do an unsent letter to him. Just write out everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Just purge it all out. And then light that bitch on fire and be done with this shit.