Pull the Trigger

::sighs:: Nothing in my life is every easy. I never choose the easy path either, so it’s not like I’m shaking my fist at the sky and cursing the gods for this. ::laughs:: I tend to bring it upon myself more times than naught.

Ritual last night with the Coven was lovely. It was pretty bittersweet for me, as I sat there, listening to them all gush about future plans for the Coven, and them talk about planning my upcoming initiation. The initiation that I would not be doing. I planned to come home and sometime this week, email the High Priestess and tell her I would be parting ways with the Coven. I didn’t want to say anything last night, as I didn’t want to tarnish the memory of that ritual for any of the Coven members. They truly are lovely people and people that I do want to keep in contact with.

But at the end of ritual, the talk turned to the next ritual – the upcoming Full Moon – and who wanted to create and lead it. Two of the Coven members are currently teaching a class for the Big Pagan Community, so they are automatically out. A third Coven member will most likely have family in town and may not be at the ritual at all, so she is out. So that left just four of us. Guess who got volunteered to do this ritual?

Yep. That would be me. ::sighs::

Now, I could have been cruel, and dropped my bombshell right then and there. But what purpose would that have truly served? Besides, I wasn’t prepared at all to deal with the emotional fallout that certainly would have followed such an announcement. I was riding one hell of a headache and medicated to the gills just to be there (because I thought this was going to be my last ritual, I made it a serious point to be there).

But. I’m electing to see this as my final gift to the Coven. I’ll pull out all the stops and make this one of my best rituals ever. And that will be my parting gift for them all.

I’ve already emailed the High Priestess and told her this. I went back and forth on if I should wax poetically about how much I do adore everyone in the group (because I do), or if I should just keep it short, sweet, and to the point. I ended up somewhere in the middle. And then I stalled on sending it. And I realized that I was just attempting to avoid the inevitable but that I really just needed to pull the trigger and be done with it.

So. Here I sit. I will see what the fall out will be. But I am ok with my decision. And that’s really all that matters.

Growing Pains

Restless…so very, very, VERY restless right now.

I don’t even feel comfortable in my own damn skin right now. Like…it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like mine. It feels old. And stagnant. I need a change.

I know, I know. I just did a big scary change. I left my job at the FB Library without a safety net. I left that one for my own sanity. Luckily, I landed at the Da. Library and couldn’t be happier.

But on a soul level, I’m exhausted.

Tomorrow is the first in-person Coven ritual we’ll have since February of last year. And while I should be excited about it…I’m very much “meh”. I’m questioning my Coven membership, which I typically do about this time within a group.

I am not Wiccan. Honestly, I would classify myself closer to a Traditional Witch than Wiccan. I have almost zero connection to any of the sabbats (which, anyone reading me for any length of time knows, because I wax poetically on that subject ad nauseam time and time again). And I have zero desire to do ritual/spell work for the sake of doing so just because it’s “time” to do so. If I have no need for it, why should I do it?

I also no longer work with the gods/spirits the same way either. I’m not one to make daily offerings or daily prayers. Hell, most of the time, I don’t even invoke them in my work. The bulk of my spell work is 100% me and whatever ingredients I’m working with. At this point, the Harpies are the only ones I invoke with any sort of regularity, for safety from the storms. Honestly, if I hadn’t been in the presence of gods and spirits personally, I would probably be non-theistic at this point.

All of this past year, I’ve been delving more into Satanism – more of elevating myself, honoring myself, taking care of myself, as I should be. I deserve to put myself first. I’m tired of putting myself last. I’m tired of treating myself as an after thought. And the fact that I label myself Satanic makes a number of my Coven-mates nervous. ::shrugs:: But I’m tired of making myself small to fit in other people’s boxes.

I guess, all of this to say…I’m pretty sure I’ll be parting ways with the Coven. It’s just this parting is harder than the others I’ve left, because I genuinely like my Coven-mates. In the past, the Covens I’ve been a member of, were easy enough to leave because they either fell utterly apart or I moved away physically.

But this one? This one....I just…I out grew.

Cliff Hanger

Welp, I left that last entry on a bit of a cliff hanger. To Quest or not to Quest.

Ultimately, I have decided not to Quest this year.

While it does make a lot of sense to do the Quest this year, there are some major hurdles in the way of doing that. Namely, I would have to quit smoking AND coffee between now and Quest time. And yes…I definitely do need to quit smoking. And the sooner the better. But to go from half a pack a day to zero in a few months’ time while still working with the public and ensuring I keep my job? Yeah, that’s going to be down right difficult. I would rather take it a bit slower and make the quitting actually stick. I’ve already begun working on cutting back and am doing really good in that department.

We are not going to talk about my coffee consumption. Like, not at all right now. Because that’s just ramping up. ::laughs::

Work is going very well. The Da. Library is so relaxed and chill. It’s really nice. One of my coworkers has lavender hair and I’m over the damn moon about it. So yes, at some point in the near future, I’ll be putting some of my beloved blue back into my hair once more. I cannot wait! And right now, we are allowed to wear jeans and respectable t-shirts for the dress code. Like, fuck yeah, I’m happy. ::smiles::

Honestly though, this library is a tad bit boring at times. But I’ll take boring over being so stressed out and completely bullied that I’m having psychosis and battling hourly impulses to engage in self-harm any day of the damn week. There is no Dustin and I couldn’t be happier about that. Plus the pay is sooooooo much better. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. Just focusing on keeping my spending under tight wraps – only buying some things I desperately need for work (like shoes that don’t have massive holes in them). And learning the ropes to this new job environment. And working to aggressively pay down debt. ::smiles::

To Quest...

Or not to Quest…that is the question that is vexing me at the moment.

I received an email from the group that I’ve done a Vision Quest with in the past – YEARS ago. And in it, they are talking about the Vision Quest for this year. And part of me seriously wants to go. It’s in August, in New Mexico, up in the mountains. It certainly would be beautiful.

And this would be a good time to go. This is a good point in my life to really stop and reconnect with Spirit and redefine my path once again. I’ll be turning 40 this year, and that midlife crisis bullshit has been starting to perk up. I’ve also really walked through fire these past two years mentally.

On the other hand…I haven’t been at my current job all that long. They may not look too favorably on me requesting 8 days off in August for this Ceremony. Plus there is the money aspect. And the spiritual and physical endurance aspect.

But then again, this summer, all the children’s summer reading program stuff is 100% online and is already set up and ready to go – requiring absolutely nothing from me. So this would be an optimal time to go, because next year, I may have to do everything at my Library myself.

And of course…I always worry that if I don’t do it now, I may not do it later.

So, I circle back…
To Quest…
or not to Quest…

Big News

I am EMPLOYED again!

The Da. Library apparently sent me an acceptance letter back on April 20th that I didn’t get, but reached out again yesterday to double check with me, since I had done everything else after that for the job. ::laughs:: SO GLAD THEY DID.

So yes, I have a job again! Woohoo!

And the coolest thing? That first acceptance letter was sent exactly TWO WEEKS TO THE DAY after I made my new job spell candle. To. The. DAY. Like, I’m blown away. Hubs keeps telling me my witchcraft is strong and to stop doubting it. ::chuckles::

So yeah, now I’m just waiting to hear back from the Da. City as to when I start orientation. That’s supposed to take between 5 to 7 days to complete and then I get to start working at the actual Branch I’ll be at. ::huge sigh of relief::

And I’ll be paid around $41k a year. Soooooo much better than the $26k I was making at the FB Library.

I must admit....I came across a untruthful spell powder…it is supposed to make people tell the truth. I’m tempted. I’m sooooo tempted to use it on former quasi-supervisor. Just to bring all of his bullshit to light. I don’t care what the company decides to do about it. I just want them to SEE what’s going on. Decisions, decisions. ::chuckles::

Not That Kind of a Witch

I recently had a friend request that I light a candle for her family. This, in and of itself, is not an unusual request. Quite often I get requests to light candles for people for a variety of reasons. It comes with the territory of being a Witch. Though, I’m sure Catholics get similar requests, perhaps? Lighting votives at the Church. Though, I do admit, I do not know that much about the ins and outs of Catholicism.

But, I’m veering off topic. So this friend told me that her husband’s grandmother is having a difficult time with dementia. And it’s causing quite the strain on the family. Which, I completely understand, having my own grandmother battle dementia. I assumed she just wanted a candle for calming or for healing or something along those line.

Imagine my surprise, when instead, she requested a candle be lit to speed along the grandmother’s passing. Other than the dementia and a current bout of a UTI, this grandmother is in perfectly good health. And I’m being asked to work magick and prayer to speed the demise of a person. And while, I’m very much a gray Witch, and I am pro-hex....

But this? This I will not do. I work with chaotic spirits and deities and energies. I work within the Shadow Realm, sure. But I am not the one who makes that decision who lives and who dies – unless I am put into a kill or be killed type of situation. And this? This is not that type of situation.

Now, if SHE would like to light her own candles and say her own prayers to whatever deities she acknowledges? I will not pass judgement on that. Do as thou wilt.

But this Witch? Naw. Imma gonna sit that one out, thank you very much.

Admin Leave

Well apparently, I don’t have to wait until May 7th.

I went in to work yesterday and couldn’t log into my computer. It said that my profile had been deactivated.

I went out to the Circulation desk where Abby (our Admin Assistant) was working and asked her about it. Also took the time to let her know I had put in my 2 weeks notice as well and we talked a bit about that before Director came out and asked if we could talk.

I started recording with my phone because I no longer trust that bitch as far as I can throw her.

Turns out, the company has decided that it’s best for everyone involved if I just go on administrative leave for my 2 weeks. I’ll still get paid and get my benefits, but I won’t have to come into work. She also gave me a revised copy of the Corrective Action report (removing the lie that I had called out on the day we were supposed to have a meeting – that I could PROVE I was present that entire week).

So yeah, I packed up all my stuff. I talked a bit with Clarissa to update her as to what was going on. She’s pissed and upset, understandably. I did tell her not to go toe-to-toe with quasi-supervisor unless she has him on video doing something horrid AND has a couple of witnesses to back her up. She said once she gets another job and puts her 2 weeks notice in, she’s going to unload on him. ::laughs:: I told her to let me know when that goes down as I would love to hear all about it.

And I was back home around an hour after I had left to go to work.
It just feels…anticlimactic. And I’m unhappy that I didn’t get to say my good-byes to some of the staff.

And as I was headed out the door, Denise did say “I really do wish you the best, (birth name). I hope you know that.” And I wanted, more than anything in the world to just turn back, look her in the eye, and say “I don’t believe you for a second. Because if you gave one shit about me, you wouldn’t be throwing me under the bus to protect quasi-supervisor. I’m what, the FIFTH children’s librarian now to quit while he’s been the Youth Supervisor? Maybe that should tell you something. I’m not the problem. But hey, you made your bed. Now you have to lie in it. Best of luck with Children’s Librarian #6.”

Instead, I just shook my head and walked out. I mean, as much satisfaction as I would have gotten from saying all of that to her, what’s the point? Nothing I could have said would have changed a single thing. And the last image my coworkers have of me is me leaving with my head held high. And that is what matters to me right now.