To Quest...

Or not to Quest…that is the question that is vexing me at the moment.

I received an email from the group that I’ve done a Vision Quest with in the past – YEARS ago. And in it, they are talking about the Vision Quest for this year. And part of me seriously wants to go. It’s in August, in New Mexico, up in the mountains. It certainly would be beautiful.

And this would be a good time to go. This is a good point in my life to really stop and reconnect with Spirit and redefine my path once again. I’ll be turning 40 this year, and that midlife crisis bullshit has been starting to perk up. I’ve also really walked through fire these past two years mentally.

On the other hand…I haven’t been at my current job all that long. They may not look too favorably on me requesting 8 days off in August for this Ceremony. Plus there is the money aspect. And the spiritual and physical endurance aspect.

But then again, this summer, all the children’s summer reading program stuff is 100% online and is already set up and ready to go – requiring absolutely nothing from me. So this would be an optimal time to go, because next year, I may have to do everything at my Library myself.

And of course…I always worry that if I don’t do it now, I may not do it later.

So, I circle back…
To Quest…
or not to Quest…

Big News

I am EMPLOYED again!

The Da. Library apparently sent me an acceptance letter back on April 20th that I didn’t get, but reached out again yesterday to double check with me, since I had done everything else after that for the job. ::laughs:: SO GLAD THEY DID.

So yes, I have a job again! Woohoo!

And the coolest thing? That first acceptance letter was sent exactly TWO WEEKS TO THE DAY after I made my new job spell candle. To. The. DAY. Like, I’m blown away. Hubs keeps telling me my witchcraft is strong and to stop doubting it. ::chuckles::

So yeah, now I’m just waiting to hear back from the Da. City as to when I start orientation. That’s supposed to take between 5 to 7 days to complete and then I get to start working at the actual Branch I’ll be at. ::huge sigh of relief::

And I’ll be paid around $41k a year. Soooooo much better than the $26k I was making at the FB Library.

I must admit....I came across a untruthful spell powder…it is supposed to make people tell the truth. I’m tempted. I’m sooooo tempted to use it on former quasi-supervisor. Just to bring all of his bullshit to light. I don’t care what the company decides to do about it. I just want them to SEE what’s going on. Decisions, decisions. ::chuckles::

Not That Kind of a Witch

I recently had a friend request that I light a candle for her family. This, in and of itself, is not an unusual request. Quite often I get requests to light candles for people for a variety of reasons. It comes with the territory of being a Witch. Though, I’m sure Catholics get similar requests, perhaps? Lighting votives at the Church. Though, I do admit, I do not know that much about the ins and outs of Catholicism.

But, I’m veering off topic. So this friend told me that her husband’s grandmother is having a difficult time with dementia. And it’s causing quite the strain on the family. Which, I completely understand, having my own grandmother battle dementia. I assumed she just wanted a candle for calming or for healing or something along those line.

Imagine my surprise, when instead, she requested a candle be lit to speed along the grandmother’s passing. Other than the dementia and a current bout of a UTI, this grandmother is in perfectly good health. And I’m being asked to work magick and prayer to speed the demise of a person. And while, I’m very much a gray Witch, and I am pro-hex....

But this? This I will not do. I work with chaotic spirits and deities and energies. I work within the Shadow Realm, sure. But I am not the one who makes that decision who lives and who dies – unless I am put into a kill or be killed type of situation. And this? This is not that type of situation.

Now, if SHE would like to light her own candles and say her own prayers to whatever deities she acknowledges? I will not pass judgement on that. Do as thou wilt.

But this Witch? Naw. Imma gonna sit that one out, thank you very much.

Admin Leave

Well apparently, I don’t have to wait until May 7th.

I went in to work yesterday and couldn’t log into my computer. It said that my profile had been deactivated.

I went out to the Circulation desk where Abby (our Admin Assistant) was working and asked her about it. Also took the time to let her know I had put in my 2 weeks notice as well and we talked a bit about that before Director came out and asked if we could talk.

I started recording with my phone because I no longer trust that bitch as far as I can throw her.

Turns out, the company has decided that it’s best for everyone involved if I just go on administrative leave for my 2 weeks. I’ll still get paid and get my benefits, but I won’t have to come into work. She also gave me a revised copy of the Corrective Action report (removing the lie that I had called out on the day we were supposed to have a meeting – that I could PROVE I was present that entire week).

So yeah, I packed up all my stuff. I talked a bit with Clarissa to update her as to what was going on. She’s pissed and upset, understandably. I did tell her not to go toe-to-toe with quasi-supervisor unless she has him on video doing something horrid AND has a couple of witnesses to back her up. She said once she gets another job and puts her 2 weeks notice in, she’s going to unload on him. ::laughs:: I told her to let me know when that goes down as I would love to hear all about it.

And I was back home around an hour after I had left to go to work.
It just feels…anticlimactic. And I’m unhappy that I didn’t get to say my good-byes to some of the staff.

And as I was headed out the door, Denise did say “I really do wish you the best, (birth name). I hope you know that.” And I wanted, more than anything in the world to just turn back, look her in the eye, and say “I don’t believe you for a second. Because if you gave one shit about me, you wouldn’t be throwing me under the bus to protect quasi-supervisor. I’m what, the FIFTH children’s librarian now to quit while he’s been the Youth Supervisor? Maybe that should tell you something. I’m not the problem. But hey, you made your bed. Now you have to lie in it. Best of luck with Children’s Librarian #6.”

Instead, I just shook my head and walked out. I mean, as much satisfaction as I would have gotten from saying all of that to her, what’s the point? Nothing I could have said would have changed a single thing. And the last image my coworkers have of me is me leaving with my head held high. And that is what matters to me right now.

May 7th

Yeah, shit has truly hit the fan. I mean, it’s gotten BAD at work. Bad, bad, BAD.

And yesterday was my breaking point, when I was told I would be written up because I wrote an email to quasi-supervisor asking him to not talk shit about me to our coworkers when I’m out sick.

I came in today to see the write up. It’s a friggin’ novel. And it dredges up every infraction that I’ve ever had…plus fabricated one completely out of thin air – that I can PROVE is a fucking lie.

So yeah. I submitted my letter of resignation. May 7th is my last day. You know, unless Director and quasi-supervisor put their heads together and figure out a way fire me before then. Which I wouldn’t put past them to be completely honest. ::shrugs:: At this point? I don’t even fucking care.

I would much rather be doing this because I have another job offer already lined up. But I seriously cannot stand to be there any longer than this.

My sanity and mental health has seriously deteriorated.
My anxiety is through the roof.
My depression is through the roof.
My SI impulses have been the highest they’ve EVER been in the past 15 years.
My psychosis has been more prominent the past few months than it usually is over the course of YEARS.
My disassociation has been weekly instead of a few times a year.
My migraines have steadily increased despite doubling my prescriptions.

All of this, is due to this damn job.

And you want to know what the shittiest part of this whole deal is?
I’m a Children’s Librarian.
I have a fucking Master’s Degree.
I have 20+ years experience working with children – 14+ of those years are in a supervisor position.
And I’m getting paid fucking $13.40 an hour. Thirteen dollars and forty cents AN HOUR.

And I’m having to deal with all of this shit? Yeah, I’m the fuck out.

Day Off

 written: March 18

Man, having yesterday off was pure GLORIOUS time.  I got so much stuff done that I had been putting off and putting off.  I figured out what works best for me to accomplish big tasks.  I need to break them down into smaller tasks and cycle from each little task as my interest wanes.  I mean, yeah it takes me all day to accomplish the Big Tasks, but I get all of the Big Tasks done at the end of the day without feeling completely beat down, and I get MORE Big Tasks done than if I had forced myself to focus on one until it was done before moving onto the next one.  Now I just need to figure out how to translate that over to work.

Speaking of work...since I ditched out yesterday, that means I missed the Youth Department meeting.  ::shrugs::  Don't care.  But quasi-supervisor came over to fill me in on the big changes.  It actually went really well and very smoothly.  My whole "I don't give a fuck any more" mentality has really helped to retract my claws and fangs...for now.

So the big change is that Director has decided that I should take over the Take It Make It kits (monthly craft kits) completely.  This does mean I will be on camera, but they are 100% fine with it being just focused on my hands and the crafts and not having to show my face (to help keep a certain psycho ex from popping back up into my life).  I'm 100% responsible for coming up with the ideas, putting the kits together (with Jayden's help), and putting on the recording (with Clarissa's help).  And surprisingly, I'm really looking forward to this.  It finally let's me stretch MY creativity and puts me in the driver's seat.  I get full reign of this program, and I'm excited about the autonomy finally.  It's going to be intense, because the library is going to be closed part of our summer programing time, so it's all going to be crushed into a smaller time frame.  But I'm looking forward to showing them just what I can do, if they will just LET me do it my damn way.

Summaries

I swear, every time I say I’m going to do better about writing here, I drop the fuck off the face of the planet. And then I come back, swearing to do better, and making a list of things I’m going to talk about, and like a cock tease.....I disappear again. Rinse and repeat.

Soooooo, we’ll do a super brief update, and just hope for the best, eh?

January summary:
I get to hang out with my geesies a lot. It makes me happy. Linda P., one of my local Pagan pals who also paints, has offered to come out and photograph me in the middle of my fabulous flock and then turn it into a painting. Which would be so incredibly BAD ASS. Just gotta figure out when to coordinate and make it happen. Because it’s GONNA happen.

Actually had a POSITIVE work review. Granted, it happened like, less than a week after the HR meeting of shit, but hey, I’ll take whatever positive I can get at this point. And, I mean, I have a fairly healthy opinion of myself, but quasi-supervisor scored me higher on a few things than I would have…but I’m keeping my mouth shut on that and taking the win.

Finished up my Van Van Oil and it friggin’ smells AMAZING. And it literally buzzes with pep. Like, just smelling it filled me with energy and hope and a massive Can Do attitude. I should probably take some up to work to huff on my low-energy days. ::chuckles::

February summary:
I received my onyx carved lil T-Rex and I ADORE it. I also got one for April (because she adores dinos like me) and an onyx shark for Annette (because she adores sharks and she’s always sending me the most AMAZING care packages).

Workers Comp denied my claim. Said it was a pre-existing condition and that it didn’t fit the criterial for being a work-related injury. Like WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK???? Luckily, I got that email when I got home, because I went into a blind fucking RAGE. Like, I couldn’t even fully articulate words, let alone full sentences, I was so angry. But the next morning, at work, I completely revamped my resume AND applied to 2 jobs in the span of 30 minutes. ::chuckles::

Then our heater died going into the Polar Vortex Storm of Doom. But we didn’t lose power and our water pipes didn’t burst, and eventually we got our heater fixed, so I’m deeply grateful for that.

One of the libraries I applied to offered me an interview and I jumped on it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

My depression and psychosis is ramping up BAD at this point. I’m having mild visual hallucinations (walls and floors breathing and little black beetles from time to time) and mild auditor hallucinations (hearing conversations in another room that I can’t quite make out).

March summary thus far:
I do the interview at the other library and had them cracking up almost the entire time. I really had a blast, but ultimately didn’t get the position. Back to the drawing board for me.

Quasi-supervisor goes on a full on meltdown in front of me and like 4 other staff members, so I have witnesses this time around if he wants to start some shit.

I get an appointment with my doctor to discuss the increasing mental distress – drastic uptick in NSSI desire, suffocating depression, psychosis, increase in headaches, etc. Learned that I’ve lost like almost 20 pounds since I was in there back in December for the allergy thing, so woohoo for that! We’ve increased all of my current meds and have added Wellbutrin to the mix. I need to get a blood draw done soon to check my Thyroid levels as well and see if that med also needs tweaking.

I had a good check-in meeting with my director and she brought up some good suggestions on things we could try to hopefully make working with quasi-supervisor better. But then less than a week later, she not only walked every single one of those suggestions back, but laid into me with an ass-chewing at a level I haven’t received since I was a teenager. Like, it was a complete 180.

And while I’m pissed for being so manipulated, I feel like a massive weight has been completely shed. I no longer give a single flying fuck. Not one. So I’ll play the game. And I’m damn good at it. I’ll make them believe I’m the good little worker, doing all the right things, doing as I’m told. And I’ll do it right up to the point that I finally get to skip the fuck out of there with my middle finger in the sky to another job.

One of the libraries I applied for and that offered me a position when I was first looking for a job is looking for a Children’s Librarian again. They furloughed most of their staff during the Lockdown, so it was a good thing I didn’t accept that job, but I applied this time around and I hope to GOD they offer me a job this time around. Starting pay is almost DOUBLE what I’m currently making. And I won’t be working with quasi-supervisor. And if it ends up being horrible? Well, I’ve proven I can tolerate horrible for a year. So I can do that, save money, pay off debt, and keep my eyes peeled for another job. I just need out of this current hell hole asap.

And so, that brings us up to current times. I have today off, because, fuck ‘em. I have the PTO and I decided I didn’t want to work today. ::chuckles:: And I could have been a REAL dick and taken tomorrow off and fucked up the story times and whatnot, but I decided to play nice and not do that. So see…even when I say fuck ‘em, I’m still not a complete asshole.