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written: April 19th

Alright, we made it.  We are officially moved into the house!  ::joyous celebration::  We hired Little Guys Movers and they did a STELLAR job.  They were pricey for sure, but so worth it.  They moved our 2 bedroom apartment from the 3^rd floor to a house, including a heavy ass elliptical and a shit ton of weights in under 4 hours for $997.  I tell ya, it’s money well spent.

I took today and yesterday off of work just so I could complete the packing and moving process.  Now, all we have left are the small miscellaneous items and Leviathan.  She’s currently chilling in my bathroom at the apartment.  I needed everything set up here plus electricity (which was supposed to be on yesterday, but I had to call and remind them to get it done today) before I brought her over.  And by the time I got all of that accomplished, I just didn’t have the energy to move her.  So, she’s chilling in her tank on the bathroom vanity.  ::laughs::  She’ll come home tomorrow.  

Then, it’s all about the cleaning.  Moving makes you realize just how filthy things can get if you aren’t paying attention.   David and I have agreed to make a cleaning check-list.  I’ll laminate it and hang it on the refrigerator so we can use a dry erase marker to check off the items done.  Hopefully this will keep us on a better cleaning track (plus reminding us about things we didn’t even know about).

We plan to get a little notebook and write down the various things we’d like to do for the house.  I want a screen on the window by my shower, so I can open that (to let the steam escape) without letting critters into my shower with me.  I would also like to get some blinds for the window looking right into my bedroom doorway.  David wants to pave the area where our trashcan and recycle bin are (currently a lovely muddy area).  I would also like to plant some roses and irises in the front of the house.  And we need to do some work on dog-proofing the side yard and work on making the backyard usable.  

But all in all, we are quite happy with the house.  I am so glad to have all the crazy bullshit from our realtor and our lender behind us.  And I’m thrilled beyond words to never have to speak to them ever again.

As a housewarming gift, my brother has bought us a self-inking return-label stamp with our new address.  Awesome, because I had already been scoping those and planned to purchase one for us anyways.  This just saves us $30!  ::grins::

I got to watch the moonrise from my bedroom.  I’m thrilled as this wasn’t something I was able to do in my apartment.  I’m a huge moon-lover, so I’m loving that unexpected gift.  And David gave me a chest thing he had to serve as my new altar.  I was explaining to him what I was wanting him to build for me (an altar that had storage abilities underneath, to keep my sacred items safe) and he said it already had something identical to what I was describing – and then graciously gave it to me!  He continues to just floor me with his generosity.  I need to step up my game and get on the same level as he is.  It is certainly something worth striving for.

Up & Down

written: April 15th

Man, I am so ready to be off this damn roller coaster.  Does life ever even out?

The high for today was that we CLOSED on the house this morning!  We have keys in hand and can start moving our stuff over asap.  There's a lot of little items that require more love and care and I would prefer to move those myself.  All the heavy lifting will occur on Tuesday, as that's when the movers show up and we officially get moved into the house.

The low for the day?  I got my Draft 3 from the Damn Database Project class....I got a fucking 70.  And all the things they have told me to include in my draft?  I have no fucking clue what they are or where to find the information.  So I've bitten the bullet and emailed them inquiring about some tutoring.  Hopefully I can get that done asap so I know what the hell to do with the Final Draft (which is due May 5th).  Even with the 70 on this draft, I am still maintaining a B, and I hope to god, I can keep that.  I sure as hell do NOT want to do this class ever again.

Thankfully, the work insanity has died down.  The choir play thing was last night, so no more of their hour and a half long practices every damn day.  The pre-reg drop off on campus was Thursday, so now the parents have to drop off their pre-reg information at the Main Office....so now it's no longer my problem.  Having to deal with Book Fair next week taking up part of the cafeteria, but after everything I've survived these past two weeks, that should be a walk in the park.

Hopefully, I can do something next month to celebrate my 10 year mark for being self-injurious behavior free.  I dunno.  It just feels rather anticlimactic now.  But then again, it's up to me to make it important.  And if it isn't important anymore, maybe that's the most telling sign of healing?  That, even though I still struggle with the impulse from time to time, it's no longer that big of a deal?  Though, part of me worries that this is a touch of depression hitting me, and that's why I don't want to celebrate....  I dunno.  I plan to purchase some flowers to celebrate it AND the fact that we have a house, so maybe that will jump start it? 

Well, I have TWO journal swaps currently going.  One I'm supposed to mail out by tomorrow (Saturday), and I need to finish up some pages in it before it's ready.  The other one, I can take my time with.  Unfortunately, David, the guy that was supposed to work in it before me took a nasty fall on the ice (he lives in Colorado) and broke his right wrist...which means he can't write at all.  So I get a bit of time to play around in the journal before he's cleared to work in it.  But I need to get Lavender Panda's wrapped up and mailed out to Nancy asap.

Thankful Thursday

written: April 14th

I am thankful…

1.       Survived the day of utter hell and headache.

2.       That tomorrow we are finally signing the closing documents on the house.  I hope to GOD that this goes as smoothly as possible.

3.       Absolutely stunning smoky quartz I purchased from Sage Goddess.  I’m putting together a small offering bowl to be place in our house and the smoky quartz will go into it for sure.

4.       Three different people complimented me on what a good job I do at work.  Really makes all the insanity worth it.

5.       Bluebonnets are in bloom.  Just love them.

6.       Journal overload!  ::laughs::  But in a good way.  I’ve got two journal swaps going plus my bullet journal arrived as well.

7.       Academic semester is starting to wind now.  Just a few more weeks and it’s all done.  Can’t wait to have the summer off (at least from academics).

8.       That it was surprisingly easily to get our various utilities set up to switch over when we move into the house.  All that is left to do is set up to have the water switched on.

9.       That the recent storms we’ve had have been gentler.  It’s gentle rain and quiet thunder.  No tornados or seriously craziness for now.

10.   Amazing family and friends.  I don’t know where I would be without them.

11.   That I sailed past my 10 year anniversary of being free of self-injurious behavior.  I haven’t done anything yet to celebrate just yet, but I am grateful to have made it thus far.  Onwards and upwards.

Oh my god, today was a complete and utter shit day.  If I had known how horrible it was going to turn out, I never would have gotten out of bed.  But, it is over and done with.  I survived.  No need to dwell on it then.

Panicking & Grumbling

written: April 13th

Que the true beginnings of PANIC.

We close on the house FRIDAY. 

We have the movers scheduled for TUESDAY.

And I still have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO!!!!!!!

I know there is never a perfect time to move, but this has got to be one of the absolute WORST times for me.

Luckily, my academic semester is winding down and I have a tiny sliver of breathing room.  But at work? 

Geez, this has been the horrible week I've had in AGES.  Last Thursday was all about getting the Pre-Reg packets out to the parents for the next school year.  This Thursday is the one day they are allowed to drop off the completed packets on campus (though, they are more than welcome to drop it off at the Main Office at anytime).  Plus, choir is having their big performance THURSDAY NIGHT.  Which means, they've been practicing their songs and play every single day for the past TWO WEEKS.  I've gone home with a headache every day because of the noise, the insanity from my students (because it's a huge change in their routine, which means, HEY LET'S ALL GO BAT SHIT INSANE), AND because the choir teacher does absolutely NOTHING to control her 40+ choir students.  So I'm policing my students plus her students most days.

AND add to all of that, my Problem Aid is just shitting the bed right now.  If she isn't showing up late, she's leaving early....and that's if she's even showing up!  And when she is her, she's not in dress code, she's on her phone, and she is NOT supervising the kids.  But because she has "severe depression and anxiety", it's this huge ordeal to actually write her up for any of this.  Which I personally think is complete and utter bullshit.  She's getting extra special treatment and I personally feel that's grossly unfair to the "normal" staff that are held accountable for their actions/inactions.  I understand that some people need/require a little extra help....but if you can't do the job?  You shouldn't have the job.  And what is she going to do when she actually graduates school and is a school teacher?  The school district will be lenient to a certain extent, but in the end?  You are responsible for the well-being and education of people's CHILDREN.  I just see that whole thing crashing and burning at the rate she's going.  And that really sucks, because it's going to be the kids in her classroom that suffer for it.

::big deep breaths::  I've already decided that I'm going to specifically request that Problem Aid NOT return to my campus next year (if she even still has a job).  She would do much better on a smaller campus with less students, I think.  She does really well with the younger students with just 10 or less kids.  Anything other than that, she totally checks out.

The Witch Queen

written: April 12th

I love the round about way I come across information I need. I’ve been pondering my Potent Dream and turning it over and over in my mind. Getting to know the groves and smooth planes of it. The grit and the aroma.

And I do believe I have found my Witch Queen’s name – Nicneven. Turns out, she’s a Scottish goddess (interesting, as most of the time, they’ll just say something’s Celtic....but all the places I’ve looked for information on her, it’s specific. She’s Scottish – which is my maternal grandmother’s lineage all the way). But…the interesting part? She’s called the witch mother…of Scottish Fae. ::narrows her eyes:: I do not deal with the fae. All the New Age-ers seem to believe that Fae are these adorable lil fairies that flit around spreading joy and lightness of heart to all they encounter.

That is a massive crock of shit. Fae are true chaotic nature creatures. They are not evil nor good....much like the tiger is neither good nor evil…even when it devours you.

In the movie Hook, Tinkerbell sums it up saying she’s so small, she only has room for one emotion at a time. And that is fae. If they are happy, they are 100% happy. But if they are angry, they are 100% angry. And I just don’t have any tolerance for their antics. They get banished swiftly and fully from every home I’ve ever lived in. My grandmother, long ago, likened them to the Mob. Sure you can ask a favor of them and they will grant it, but know the price they will exact will be harsh and typically at the worst possible timing. So yeah, I don’t traffic with fae, so I find it very interesting that this one came calling so strongly.

Nicneven is linked to Hecate (a goddess I’ve worked with in the past and still have a fondness for). And I found it interesting that her name is derived from Gaelic “Nic an Neamhain” which means “Daughter of Frenzy”. That immediately made me think of the Harpies, which are also called the Furies.

She is also linked with the Wild Hunt and with Samhain, which makes her perfect for me. But she’s fae, and geese (horrid animals) are sacred to her, so I’m extremely wary. But I’m thinking a formal introduction would be wise. After all, she had to go to a lot of work to get through the anti-fae boundaries I’ve put in place and recently reinforced. So if she’s willing to put forth that much effort, I should at least be polite and see what she wants.

::deep breath:: I just hope I don’t end up regretting this.

Potent Dreams

written: April 11th

I hate those dreams that are more than dreams.  Ones so powerful that they stay with you days after they occurred.  And you turn them over and over in your mind, looking at each facet of the dream, because you know in your bones that this is important.

And you crave nothing more than to eloquently capture it in words so you can remember it forever.  And yet, when you put pen to paper or fingers to keys, it all turns to smoke and become amorphous.  It changes and morphs, so you don't know where to start writing.  And yet...the second you walk away from the keyboard or put down the pen, it all comes crashing back upon you, like a great typhoon wave.  Drowning you and sucking you in and filling you to the brim with memories of it.

I had a dream that fits all of this.  And I want nothing more than to write it down and see if I can understand what exactly it's trying to tell me.  Dream interpretation has never been a strong gift of mine.  Mostly I just recall how it made me feel.  But I have little idea what it means.  I want to write it down, to get someone else to interpret it for me, but the words just flit away.  I sit down and all of it turns to smoke and I can't grasp it to save my life.

And this dream was a doozy of a dream.  Initiation.  A witch gathering of the thousands.  Meeting the Witch Queen herself (maybe a deity instead?).  Wolves and snow leopards.  Ancestors.  Black hooded jerkins -- which is how I know how potent this dream is.  I woke up and immediately began looking for what it was that I was wearing in the dream.  The closest I could come was a hooded jerkin -- I called it a red-neck robe in my dream because of it being mostly sleeveless.  ::laughs::  But once I found what it is called in our world, I wanted to purchase one so bad.  I still may buy one, but can't right now.  But I really want that tactile reminder of my dream.

Perspective

written: April 10th

It is truly sad when you run around too busy to journal....but not really feeling like you've accomplished anything of worth.

Ok, that's not true.  I've accomplished quite a bit.

• I researched, took notes, and then wrote my final Module Essay for INFO 5000 today.  It was so strange.  I don't know if it was the Tiger Eye stones that Kimberly told me about or the FocusFactor vitamins....but I sat and wrote the essay out, start to finish, in one fell swoop.  I've NEVER done that before.  It was beautiful.
• I got various car things taken care of -- oil change, tire rotation, and replace a dead headlight.
• I scheduled the movers for the 18th.  Really hoping we have the keys and don't have to push that back.  I'm so ready to be out of here.
• I scheduled to get my eyebrows waxed (they are WILD once more).
• I did some minor MoonTime honoring.
• I dropped off letters and a postcard at the post office.
• I made dinner.
• I brought up all the boxes out of my car for us to start boxing stuff up for the move.
• I've sent a request to get Advising on what classes to take for the Fall Semester.  I'm taking the summer off to focus on just working.
• I've culled down my photo albums from 9 albums to 6.  And I'm not even done going through them all.  I'm culling out the photos of the Psycho Ex and the 50 thousand photos from the zoos that were good at the time, but aren't any more.  It is kind of nice to see how much my photography as improved since 2005 (when I really started getting into digital photography).

So yeah.  I didn't cure cancer, but it's not like I've been sitting around on my ass either.  But I still have so much more to do.  I'm not too terribly stressed yet, but that's just a matter of time.  ::laughs::

Quick lil bit of gratitude:

• quiet rain we got yesterday.  It's a rarity in Texas.  Typically we get the big bad storms, but this was just a nice, steady, gentle rain.
• Red Lobster for dinner on Friday.  We've both been so stressed with work and school work and the move, so it was a nice treat.  Probably the last time we'll eat there for a while, but so damn delicious.
• a couple of different faith groups have contacted me, interested in me joining them for a ceremony or ritual.  Kind of nice to feel wanted in the spiritual community once again.  There's just too much stuff going on at the moment for me to take them up on their offers.  Hopefully next month will be much nicer to me.
• that back on April 1st...I wrote the very last rent check to this apartment complex.  It breaks my heart that this place has gone so downhill, because I really do have a lot of fond memories from here.  But it's all gone to shit, and I can't wait to close the door on this place for good.