Out of Practice

Lort, I really fell off on writing here.  I wish I could say it was due to me writing so much more in physical journals, but that would be a lie.  Other than bullet journaling to keep my tasks straight, I have done ZERO journaling.

I dunno.  It's like my desire to write is there, but just not the motivation to actually DO said writing.

Like, I started this entry 3 hours ago and just walked away from it at the end of the previous sentence because I just didn't "want" to continue writing.  Makes me worry that another round of depression may be on the horizon.

Let's catch up on all The Things.

TMS
I completed my TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) program August 23rd.  Definitely bitter sweet as Suzanne, my Tech, was on vacation, so Kari is the one that finished it up.  They gave me a folder that has EVERYTHING broken down that we did in each session, from the book on CD to the TED Talks we watched, so that's really awesome.  It's just so weird to NOT be going to the TMS clinic each morning, as it was a staple for all of July and August.

I have seen a major difference in my moods since completely TMS.  My depression has times that it's completely gone.  Like, COMPLETELY.  Like, there isn't even the shadow of depression.  It's so weird and catches me off guard at times.  But hell, the treatment was DEFINITELY worth the time, effort, and money.

Woodshed Guitar Experience

So after my last TMS treatment, we got on the road, headed to Tennessee.  Hubs wanted to attend the Woodshed Guitar Experience in Crossville, TN.  It ended up being pretty cool.  I'll share photos of that at some point.  I haven't even downloaded them to my computer or anything.

Aaaaaaand, now it's two days later and I'm just now swinging back this way.  ::chuckles::  I'm coming back from the emotional dip and I think I'm back on track once more.  ::fingers crossed::  Let's hope so! 

Update Thingy

TMS check-in/update Thingy

Still going strong with TMS. I have 16 sessions left.
For the most part, it’s great. But yeah, going 5 days a week is beginning to wear on me. I can only handle so much happy, mindfulness training. Which, I’m sure says something about me. But I’m nothing if not contrary. So yes, the information I’m learning, the techniques are good. But yeah, after day 3…I’m snarky as fuck, and I have to do my best to keep that…tolerable. ::chuckles::

Still adore my TMS tech. She’s just super ADHD fabulous. No, seriously, she has ADHD and ALL OF THE ENERGY. So I can be a bit of a vampire and siphon off some of that energy for myself.

So yes. Still going strong. Most of the time, the treatment itself isn’t even painful any more. Just annoying. But even then, I can tune it out most of the time.

August Trip
The August trip we’ll be taking to Tennessee is looming on the horizon. I’m seriously looking forward to the trip, even if it isn’t something I would ever go to on my own. It’s a guitar thing that my husband is positively giddy about going.

Me? I’m planning to hit a zoo. Maybe some other sights. I’m hoping to meet up with Kimberly at least one of the days I’ll be up there. Another long-time journaling friend that I have never met in person. But I’m hoping to, this trip through Tennessee.

Avatar: The Way of Water
Finally got to watch this, and I adore it. It’s just an overall beautiful movie. I know, it has its faults. But man, it tugs at my heart strings....and my SOUL strings. Movies like that always leave me....ungrounded. What I wouldn’t give to have that kind of connection with animals. The only thing that would be better? Is if I was a shapeshifter.

Eh movies like that always leave me feeling a bit lost. They have me longing for something....more.

100 Days of Art
Yep, still going strong. Completed Day #96. I can’t believe I’ve stuck it with this entire time. And I can’t believe it’s almost over. I plan to extend it, and go for another 100 days. I also joined a FB group for local Urban Sketchers. I’m wanting to branch out and try this type of art out as well. I’m really enjoying the fuck out of this.

I’ve also been reading An Illustrated Journey: Inspiration from the Private Art Journals of Traveling Artists, Illustrators, and Designers, by Danny Gregory. And I just absolutely adore it. And it’s seriously inspiring. I want to have my own sketch travel journals.

Speaking of Art
Continuing the art thought train, but being its own separate train....I stumbled across a “Painting for Beginners” channel on YouTube. Completely by accident. But, the painting it offers is PERFECT for the art classes I lead at my Library Branch. So I pretty much have all of 2024 art classes mapped out. And there are still a TON more painting tutorials on the channel to keep me going for a LONG time.

So I’ll be trying those out for the rest of the year, to see what supplies and whatnot I need to put these art classes together. But man, just coming across that channel has lifted a MASSIVE weight off of my shoulders.

I get so burnout and stressed out, trying to come up with art classes that I can actually teach. But now, it’s just a matter of scrolling through the YouTube channel and picking out ones to practice. I am SO over joyed.

And of COURSE, this is giving me THE PERFECT excuse to pick up a sketchbook with thicker paper. Just so I can test these various painting tutorials out. ::grins happily::

Catch-up is the Name of the Game

Catch-up is the name of the game here. Ready? Set? Ok, let’s go!

TMS
This is going really well. On my last weekly check in (Tuesday), my scores on my depression symptoms and my anxiety symptoms put me in the non-depressive episode category. Like, I’m back in “normal” people’s range (at least when it comes to depression symptoms). ::laughs::

And I would be lying if I didn’t say I had some minor trepidation at that realization. TMS may actually significantly decrease my depression symptoms. And I panicked a bit, thinking “Who will I be, without my depression?” Meaning, I’ve had depression almost as long as I can remember. And it’s always held such a large place in my mind and my life. And without it….would I no longer be considered “neurodivergent”? As this has become a very defining term for me.

I sat with that a bit. And I realized, even if I don’t have depression…I am still not what most people would consider “normal”. I’ll still be my super quirky self….just without the WEIGHT of depression smothering me down. TMS might just allow me to fully embody my quirky self. So ya’ll better start prepping yourselves now. Because I plan to let my neurodivergence take center stage from here on out! ::laughs::

Delaware, Mother-in-Law, Brother-in-Law, oh my!
So MIL had a health crisis. This led to a WHORL-WIND trip up to Delaware. We flew out on June 30th. I flew back July 3rd. I had JUST started TMS, and it’s one of those treatments, that once you start….you REALLY need to miss as FEW treatments as possible. It’s been documented, that if you start and get about halfway through, and then try to pick it back up again…it doesn’t work. So it was imperative that I continue my treatments with as little disruption as possible.

So we fly up there. And yeah, talk about DELAYS. Actually, you know….let’s not. That wasn’t enjoyable at all. But yeah, she was in the ICU when we got there, but we got to go in and see her. Which, we really think boosted her morale. She was moved back to the surgery/cardiac floor the VERY NEXT DAY. And, the whole reason we went up there, because it didn’t look too good for her. And then she does this 180 and was doing so well that she was moved out of ICU. Even her nurses were beyond shocked.

David did text his brother, to let him know what was going on. Que up me meeting my BIL and niece for the first time ever. David and BIL were able to have a good conversation, in person, that I think cleared the air for both of them. I just hope for the best and leave that up to David how that’s going to go.

David flew back home on the 14th. His mom is currently doing very well and was at home and doing well there before he flew back. It was such a HUGE strain on David and it’s taken him a few days to get back to his normal self.

Temp Manager….VERY temp
So we got an Interim Manager on July 13th. And today was apparently his last day with us (not sure if it’s also his last day for the City as well). He was pleasant enough. I enjoyed the fact that he was NOT a chatty Kathy but that he also was very proactive on getting things fixed that needed fixing.

100 Days of Art
Still going VERY strong on this. Currently at Day 87. I’m super impressed with myself for sticking with this and branching out to try out new things. And that, even when I don’t like how a particular drawing is coming out, I tell myself “That just means I need to practice this style/subject MORE” instead of the “Oh, I suck at art”. It’s been a very NICE shift in thinking.

Danger Zone revisited

Ok, meeting with the Nurse Practitioner went SO amazing well. I absolutely ADORE her. And that’s hard to get out of me on initial meetings.

Plus, she was astute enough to look at the Psychiatrist’s notes and we went over those. And she recognized that there is some serious trauma, and said we wouldn’t be delving into them, but that she just wanted to verify the information was correct. ::HUGE sigh of relief::

She thinks there’s a bit of PTSD lingering from Psycho Ex and some abandonment issues around my father (gold star to her on both of those) and suggested EMDR treatment later on, if I felt like that was something I wanted to pursue.

So now we are just waiting to hear back from insurance if they will cover the treatment or not.

Helpful Suggestions
There were a number of helpful suggestions on various things people have done to work with their depression. And I know that NONE of the suggestions were given out in a manner of “oh hey, do this and it works perfectly”.

But......

Please understand as well, that I’ve been dealing with my depression, anxiety, trauma, panic attacks, aggression, etc., for damn near 30 years.

Meditation
I’m a motherfucking Pagan…do you think I have never TRIED meditation? Be it for spiritual, mental, or just overall well being?
For me, meditation is very much a double edged sword. Sometimes, I have zero issues with it and, yes, it can be quite calming. Other times, by stilling all the swirling thoughts in my head, it simply AMPLIFIES the depression voice and makes everything a THOUSAND times worse.

Eating Better
Yes, I’m very aware that my current eating habits would make a rabid raccoon look like a Health Guru.
And I’m very aware that various foods DO have an impact on one’s physical, psychological, and mental states.
However. Right now? I’m in survival mode. I’m eating comfort, “safe” (meaning ones that I know I will like, that I don’t have an issue with texture or taste) foods just to keep me going. Cutting out all of my comfort foods right now would do the exact opposite of what we are attempting to accomplish here (i.e. keeping me alive).
So yes, I am cutting back on the amount of comfort food. And I’m slowly introducing healthy foods. But that’s going to be a process, not something just one and done.

Coping Strategies
Oh trust me, I have a SHIT TON of coping strategies. But I’m always all ears to hear new ones. Please, feel free to toss those out at any point. If it’s something that has worked for you or a close loved one, I would love to hear it. Because, even if it doesn’t work for me, it might spark an idea on something else I can try.
This is one of the things the Nurse Practitioner actually complimented me on – ALL the various coping strategies I have, have tried, are modifying so they work better. Trust me, TONS of various ones, both conventional and non-conventional. Hmm, I should do an entry listing out all my Coping Strategies. Might be helpful for others. And if nothing else, it should spark some sort of dialog, in which I can also learn a new trick or two.

Sleeping Habits
Yes, I utilize my phone, in bed, as part of my unwinding and getting ready to sleep routine. Yes, I am aware of all the studies out there that say you should turn off all electronics and definitely do NOT have them in the bedroom. I do a coloring app and switch on my Apollo Neuro specifically to either the Unwind vibe or the Sleep vibe. I have a specific CD that I listen to every night, and have done so for well over a year now.
Yes, it takes me a little over an hour to fully unwind enough to go to sleep. I still awake up in the night at least once (usually twice) and am up for around 15 to 20 minutes and then I’m able to go back to sleep.
I know all the studies that say you should be getting a solid sleep the entire night through. The only times I’ve experienced that was when I was sick, drunk, or had been up for 4+ days in a row. Sure, I can take sleeping pills or ZQuil. But I have the habit of SERIOUSLY abusing those, so I try to stay away from them.

Exercise
Yes, I know all about the benefits of exercise. I have been quite fit at various points in my life.
It’s just the major shake up that completing my Master’s degree and leaving behind a career field that I had been working in since I was 14, did a huge number on me. Also going from part time to full time work took a serious adjustment.
And it’s hard to get out and walk the dog (one of the things I really enjoy) when the heat is so horrid. Our heat index today was 117 – temperature was 99. And it’s only supposed to get hotter at the week continues.
I am on a number of psych drugs – many of which that effect my body’s ability to regulate internal temperature. I’ve also had heat stroke before. And it just makes you more susceptible for heat stroke from then on out.

In Closing
This isn’t an attack on anyone. This isn’t me saying don’t share your suggestions. Just, know that in the 30 yrs I’ve been dealing with this, I HAVE heard of meditation. I HAVE heard of kale. And trust me. If doing yoga, eating kale, and doing daily meditation would cure the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in my brain, I would be all over that.

Love you all and wishing you NOTHING but the absolute best.

Danger Zone

Man, I’ve been bottoming out BAD these last few days. And I know it’s due to having to discuss my traumas over and over and over again with the various people at the TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) Clinic. I’m just.....over it. I don’t want to talk about it any more.

I had a Zoom meeting with the tech that will be doing the TMS on me. I like her well enough. But....I dunno. Something feels a bit off. The Clinic I’m going to has the highest success rates in the nation.... Because they combine TMS with therapy and working through a Mindfulness about Depression (or something along those lines) book as well. And I dunno…just getting cult-ish vibes. But that COULD be due to me listening to all these true crime videos – predominately ones about cults. So yeah.

Oh, and they do counseling as well. Which is another reason why they have such a high success rate. But man, I am NOT wanting to process any of this shit right now. Just zap my brain and let’s be done with it.

I go tomorrow for my meeting with the Nurse Practitioner (NP) tomorrow morning. I’m sure I’ll have to go through my trauma AGAIN at this point. Honestly, for my own mental health, I think I’m going to tell her to pull up my file – either the 4 hour long Clinic questionnaire I did, or the recap with the Psychiatrist, OR the one I did with the Tech. Because, I don’t have it in me to go through ALL of that AGAIN. I mean, I’ve rehashed my trauma more times in the past couple of WEEKS than I have in YEARS and my mental health is taking one HELL of a beating for it.

In non-TMS/Trauma news, we are FINALLY out of the Ransomware Era at work....kind of. ::laughs:: We are about 25% up. We can check OUT all the damn items we’ve been just keeping in Word Docs, and we can update patrons’ accounts AND create new accounts. But that’s it. Our catalog and all that jazz is still completely down. We spent 44 days completely down. And man, I KNOW I’m going to miss the shit out of how calm and peaceful work has been. But all good things must come to an end. ::sighs::

I got my physical done with Dr. O – required for the TMS Clinic. And for the most part, everything was about what I expected it to be. But my weight was a LOT higher than the last time I was in her office, and I’m NOT happy about that one bit. Gonna have to get on that soon. Guess my diet of coffee, donuts, cigarettes, and peanut butter isn’t that sustainable. Yeah, I’ve been COMFORT feeding for a while. ::looks up at the whole TMS thing:: Yeah, can’t IMAGINE why I’m doing that.

And after my appointment with Dr. O I had to do a blood draw (again to screen for all the things my Psychiatrist wants me screened for). That required SEVEN vials of blood plus a cup of urine. I am very proud of myself. I didn’t get woozy until the 7th vial. But yeah, got SUPER lightheaded, sweating, and nausea. ::chuckles:: Good times.

And then later on this month, I’ll be doing my yearly gyno visit as well. You know, I’m about OVER June and all these various doctor/health appointments.

BUT, something cool. I DID finally buy myself an Apollo Neuro. I’ve been eying them for over a YEAR, but the price kept it out of reach. But with the income tax return being so nice, and my mental health being ALL OVER the board, I figured, this couldn’t hurt. And man, I ADORE it. No clue if it actually HELPS with calming or energizing or any of that. But I find the vibrations just soothing if nothing else. Comforting. So, even if that is ALL it does? I’m happy I bought it. I wear it on my ankle at the moment. Though I do want to get a smaller band, so I can wear it on my wrist at night.

End of May

Gotta be quick and squeak this in while it’s still May. ::chuckles::

TMS Appointment
So I had to take this CliniCom mental health assessment and the secretary did warn me that it was quite in depth and generally takes people 2 to 2.5 HOURS to complete.
It took me THREE AND A HALF friggin’ hours, to complete it.

Mostly it’s because they wanted me to list ALL the psychiatric medications I have taken OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE, along with dosage amounts, the TIME FRAME in which I took them, and reasons why I am no longer taking specific ones. Like, is this something I should have been keeping records of? I mean, I can see how keeping a list of psych meds that DON’T work me, might be beneficial.

And then they had various trauma related questions.

Honestly, I am surprised I got through it all without spiraling out mentally. Because I was having to dredge up some ooooooold skeletons out of the dark corners of closets I generally do not even open any more.

All of this, so that Monday, May 22nd, I got to go in for my initial TMS consultation. Hopefully, I’ll get the green light on that and can start magnetizing my brain daily for a while. Coworker Carly just finished up her TMS treatment and recommends it. It is by no means a CURE for depression. But she said it did definitely benefit her, so here’s hoping!

Assessment went very well. I have to get a physical done with blood-work, that I’ll be getting all done (plus my yearly gyno visit) in June. I have my 2nd consultation for TMS on the 19th. At that point, I think they’ll let me know if insurance has agreed to pay. If not, well, they also offer ketamine treatments that I KNOW are not insurance covered. And if I’m paying for treatment 100% out of pocket, I would rather be tripping balls on Special K, that getting magnetic waves zapped into my brain meats.

Health Binder Thoughts
I really should get a print out of that assessment and begin a health document binder of some sort. Just keep up with dates that I’ve had various procedures on, maybe my health directive, etc., as well.

Work
We are now into Day 29 of the Ransomware Era. Pambie (my boss) is still out. Still haven’t heard if she’s had her surgery yet or not. ::shrugs:: We’re just in this weird kind of.....limbo.....waiting.

But I’m enjoying the FUCK out of the downtime. In the mornings, when I’m in the back (would normally be checking in books), I work on my daily art piece or in my other sketchbook, and just RELAX. I LOVE this so much. I wish we could keep it this calm and relaxing, but still be able to check books in and out as needed.

I seriously am going to be heartbroken when the Ransomware Era comes to an end, and I actually have to start doing my full job duties once more. I just wish work could be THIS friggin’ chill, with a completely working system as well.

YouTube Channel Thing
How can I have so many topics I want to talk about, but hit a blank wall when I try to do a video discussing said topics??? Because that’s exactly what is happening at the moment. ::sighs:: I need to get a good phone mount for the house, that I can then do Deck flip-throughs and what not. ::looks at all her decks, many of which were limited runs:: Yeah, that would give me a LOT of footage.

Definitely NOT Boring

Hmmm, seems I’m only good for about one entry a month.  ::chuckles::

Maybe I’ll get more written this coming work week.  The City I work for got hit with some ransomware and 95% of the programs we use to run the library are currently down.  And have been down since Wed, May 3^rd.   So we are getting a bit of a vacation at the moment.  Though, once the systems are back up and operational, we will be spending HOURS manually checking books out on people’s accounts.  We currently have that all saved in various Word Documents.  Oye, that is going to take AGES to get done.

Ah, since the last time I wrote, some crazy ass shit went down at work.  My boss fell and broke her shoulder, so she hasn’t been at work since April 18^th.  She had surgery on May 5^th, but we have NO idea when she’ll be back in.  While I am sad that she’s that seriously injured, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a nice reprieve from her busy-body-ness.

Income tax return came in.  And while I was dreaming up all these things to spend it on?  I haven’t done a damn thing with it.  ::laughs::  I guess I’m having serious executive dysfunction with it.  So it’s just been sitting in my account this entire time.  I finally moved half of it into savings, along with the standard $200 from my paycheck.  Man, that savings account is looking NICE.  ::chuckles::  Honestly, I should just hire someone to come clean out my bedroom.  ::chuckles::  Still slowly clearing it out, but it’s seriously slow going.

I dunno.  I just feel like I’m standing in place, while everyone else is running around, accomplishing these Fabulous Big Goals.  And I certainly don’t begrudge my friends doing all these fucking amazing things, because they are AMAZING things.  But I’m looking at myself like, what the fuck have I accomplished this past month?  Thus far into 2023? Hell, we can even go back to 2022.  I just feel….stuck.  Stagnant. 

And for me, looking at how things go for me?  I always feel stagnant right before a BIG shift in my life.  So I’m sort of worried about what’s about to get shaken up.  What rug is going to be pulled out from under me.  It’s a mix of dread, but also anticipation.  SOMETHING is going to shake up, and get me out of this rut….but the shaking isn’t always pleasant.

My newest hyperfocus is listening to CreepyPasta stories on YouTube.  I have no idea how many I’ve listened to or how many hours I’ve logged.  Suffice it to say, PLENTY.  My favorites are the park ranger stories, the strange rule stories, and anything involving cryptids.  I just can’t get enough of ‘em. 

Rose petal beads were a bust this time around.  I forgot about them for a few days, and they were a bit furry.  It didn’t affect the way they smelled or anything.  But I don’t think it’s a wise idea to use moldy roses to make things that I’ll be offering to deities and spirit entities.  ::shrugs::  And it’s not like Titan is still throwing up NEW canes with dozens of rose buds on them currently.  I’ll have plenty of roses to do another go around.

I’ve got 4 new spirits I’m bonding with.  This brings me up to 57 spirits…..with another 2 on the way.  ::chuckles::  I see lots of orbs now days.  And knocks and clicks and slithering sounds don’t even phase me.  Seeing things out of the corners of my eyes is commonplace.  Though, anytime one of the spirits makes physical contact, it makes me jump.  My Lead Barghest (a dog like spirit) loves resting her head on my right shoulder, so I’ve gotten used to that familiar weight. 

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to.  Trying to get unstuck from my rut.  Playing with a WIDE array of spirit entities.  Conversing with the Harpies on the regular, as this is storm season.  And then, all the mundane shit as well.  ::chuckles::  Even when I feel stagnant….my life is certainly anything BUT boring.