Tornadoes and Special K

Ok, so first things first. We got one HELL of a storm last night. As it stands right now, there are reports that at least 6 tornadoes touched down because of that storm. Thankfully, none of them touched down here. We just got 80 mph straight winds for a few hours and a whole lotta rain and thunder. We even lost power for about an hour, and we almost NEVER lose power (we’re close to a police station and a hospital, so our grid is usually very protected).

But yeah, hella storms last night. And today is bright and clear skies as far as the eye can see. Other than a few downed branches, you couldn’t even tell.

So, Ketamine. Yeah, good ole Special K drug. Apparently it’s good for treating treatment resistant depression. So I brought this up to my General Doctor and she highly recommends either that or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.

I thought I was doing the right thing, calling my insurance company first, to see if it’s even covered. But apparently, this is the WRONG way to go about it. I have to have my doctor submit a request for it. Then a medical board (that works for the insurance company) reviews it, and THEN I’ll receive a letter telling me either A) it’s been approved or B) it’s been denied and why it was denied.

I am trying to get this treatment because MY DEPRESSION IS BAD and it’s resistant to most treatments. I’ve had to double two of my psych meds. I’m maxed out on the 3rd one. And I’m still barely keeping my head above water.

And THEN, on top of all of this, I received a voicemail from the Endocrinologist that I’m supposed to see on the 22nd. Not only is the doctor going to be unavailable for the two weeks that my appointment falls on. BUT, apparently they are referral ONLY. The nurse was honestly bewildered how I was even ABLE to make an appointment, as their system should have blocked me.

So now, I have to also call my gynecologist, as she’s the one that wants me to see an endocrinologist, and get her to send in a REFERRAL and all the necessary paperwork the endo requires. But I made this appointment back in JANUARY, so who the fuck knows when I’ll get an appointment? ::snarls::

I seriously LOATHE insurance companies. These things should NOT be run as for-profit businesses. It’s such a bullshit thing.

Gifted

So, apparently Littlest Niece is as gifted and graceful as our family is.

She fell off a little slide, that was covered in a rubber mat, with rubber chips on it.....

And she BROKE HER FUCKING LEG.

And she just told her dad (my brother) that she had a boo-boo and needed a band-aid. It wasn’t until later that night that she kept complaining about having a boo-boo and stopped putting weight on it.

So she’s in a boot for the next 4 weeks. At that point, they’ll x-ray her leg again, and decided on where to go from there.

Wolfie 2.0

So I re-stumbled upon a particular motivational speaker on YouTube. I say “re-stumbled” because I’ve watched his videos previously, but this time around, they really struck a cord with me. Note: YouTuber I’m talking about is Clark Kegley.

I mean, he STRONGLY advocates for keeping a journal, so of course I’m intrigued.

So I’ve been doing some serious reflecting and self-truth-telling (which, even tho I’m 100% Scorpio and can see to the deep depths of others, I RARELY enjoy turning that laser sight on myself). And I’ve been asking myself, what would Wolfie 2.0 look like (taking from Kegley’s concept of Wolfie right now is 1.0; what would the next evolution of Wolfie look like – hence Wolfie 2.0). Like, if everything went perfectly and according to plan, what would I look like in my wildest dreams?

And I’m realizing…while I’m FABULOUS at making goals, I suck serious ass when it comes to following through with said goals.

So that’s what I’m focusing on at the moment.

And using Jashii Corrin’s (another YouTuber) monthly goal check-in system is also making sure I check-in with each individual goal every month.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to discuss my anti-depression medication regiment. Depression has been kicking my ass 7 ways ‘til Sunday. And honestly, I’m tired of just holding on.

So this is me, embracing my Word of the Year: Proactive.

Instead of waiting around for my depression to get better, I’m trying to improve it.
Instead of waiting around for my ideal self to just magically appear, I’m seeking to understand how and why I sabotage myself, over and over.

::chuckles:: Man, I understand now, why people would get spooked when I turn my Scorpio laser vision on them, and see through all their bullshit (regardless if they were trying to pull the wool over my eyes, or just over their own eyes). This shit sucks.

But Wolfie 2.0, with her kick-ass life, doing kick-ass things? She isn’t going to just magically materialize out of the ether.

More Rambles

Brain weasels are behaving (mostly) today. So time to revisit variously topics.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
I get to go to work tomorrow. Working 11 am to 5 pm, but am getting paid for the entire day. So that’s a sweet deal. And since I did some training today, I get to count today as a “work from home” day.

Restless
Yep, still restless, but it isn’t as bad as it was yesterday. Did get a bit of cleaning done on my white altar. Not 15 minutes worth, but hey 10 minutes is better than nothing. But at least I have some done, and a better idea for my next attack.

New Topic: Mindfulness Candles
I came across these friggin’ ADORABLE Mindfulness Candles on my merry lil jaunts around the InterWebs. But I ain’t paying $18 for 5 friggin’ candles and a candle holder, to then also pay another $13 in shipping. So I thought to myself, how can I cheap witch this. Birthday candles are about the same size and a hell of a lot cheaper. So now I just need a candle holder that will work with such small candles. I plan to take an empty tealight holder that I have, fill it with hot glue, and place one of the plastic birthday candle holders in it until the glue cools. Hopefully, I can pop out the plastic candle holder and just have an indent in the harden glue. Then I can try out my cheap witch hack and see if it will work.

I mean, I kind of love the idea of keeping it simple. Just lighting a candle, and spending some TIME in front of my altar. It will probably take me a while to work back up into big rituals again. But this? This is simple and something I am pretty sure I can keep up with, even on my low energy days (aka, when the Brain Weasels are being horrid).

Brain Weasels

The brain weasels are NOT playing nice today, so I’m just going to ramble along and see if I can just brain dump ‘em out.

Snow/Ice/Sleet
aka: Welcome to Texas, we don’t know how to handle this shit.
Yeah, so we are getting hit with ice and sleet and snow at the moment. I haven’t been to work yet this week, and tomorrow my branch is closed. Which is kind of nice. It’s like an unplanned staycation. But at the same time, it would be better if I could actually DO things I want to do. Like get cinnamon rolls, damn it.

MIA Journals
aka: I’ve never had journal swaps go this poorly EVER.
I did two journal swaps in 2022 and they BOTH went the poorest I’ve ever had in the YEARS I’ve been doing journal swaps. Thankfully the first one finally wrapped up, and everyone got their journals back in a reasonable amount of time. And other than April’s lovely journal being chewed on by a swap member, who is now black-listed from ever doing any of my swaps EVER AGAIN, they are all reasonably intact.

Which brings me to the second one. It’s an international one, so I knew going into it, that it was going to be a much slower moving swap. But goddamn, the English Chic has dropped the ball so many times. She was supposed to mail my journal and Sharmila’s journal (because she ended up with both because SHE FUCKED UP) on Jan 23rd. I’ve reached out to her in the journal swap group AND have sent her 2 direct messages, asking if she’s mailed them and all I’ve gotten thus far is crickets. Oh, but she posts stuff all over Facebook, no problem. But just won’t answer my messages. ::growls:: I’m pretty much given up on ever seeing my journal ever again. Needless to say, she is also black-listed, and will not be allowed to participate in my swaps ever again.

Restless
aka: I feel like I should be doing something....NEED to be doing something....but I have no idea what it is.
Like, I have plenty TO do, but zero focus/desire to DO those things. Instead, I kind of wander from room to room, feeling a bit lost.

I know part of it is stemming from the fact that I need to do a SERIOUS declutter and deep clean of my room, but it feels like such a huge task that I get overwhelmed before I even start. Like, how stupid is that?

Tomorrow though, I’m going to set a 15 minute timer, and make it a game to see how much I can clean/clear out before time is up.

I mean, I can’t hygge the shit out of my room like I want to, until there is ROOM for the stuff I do want. But I just can’t get started. Like, I hype myself up. Tell myself, ok, let’s do this. And then I get up to my room and am like “oh god, I can’t do this” and turn around and go back downstairs. I mean, at least I’m getting in some walking, but still, I’d rather have done the damn cleaning.

Daddy Issues
aka: I’m too old for this shit.
Yeah, not contacting him. There’s no real benefit, so why put myself through that shit? I know this is going to sound harsh, but I wish he would kick the bucket already and I can truly, finally close that damn chapter.

I think I may do an unsent letter to him. Just write out everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Just purge it all out. And then light that bitch on fire and be done with this shit.

Father Thoughts

My father has been on my mind a lot here recently.  Mostly me debating if I want to make contact with him or not.  I have come across his LinkedIn profile and that would be the way I would reach out.

I haven't because, I'd have to remake my LinkedIn profile and can't be arsed to do so yet.

And, I keep asking myself "Why?  Why do I want to get in contact with him?"

It's not because I'm wanting him back in my life.  Because I don't.  It's been 20+ years now since I sent him the Fuck Off Letter.

It's not because I'm even missing the concept of a "father".  Because I'm not.  He hasn't been an active part of my life since I was in elementary school, so I've come to terms with the "father figure" and don't have a need for it any longer.

It's not because I'm worried I'll regret not being in contact with him and he dies.  Because I already plan to go piss on his grave once he kicks the bucket.  Just wish I had a dick, because it would make this a whole lot easier.  But I figure, since I don't, it means I have to put in the extra effort to piss on his grave, so it will have more meaning.

It's not even because I'm wanting to catch up.

I guess, mostly, it's more about asking him Why.  Why he elected to just check out of our life completely.  
But, honestly, it doesn't mean I'll GET an answer.  And I have zero clue if it would even make a difference in my life to know why.

And, partly, because I would love to rub it in his face how well I'm doing.  The fact that he never has and never will meet my husband.  And the fact that he'll never meet his only biological grandchildren, because I seriously doubt Bro will ever risk our father disappointing Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces.  

And if Bro WERE to invite our father to be a part of their lives, and if our father WERE to disappoint Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces?  I would scorch the earth to ensure it never happened to Lil Nephew and the Two Nieces ever again.  

I highly doubt I'll ever reach out to contact him.  The odds of it being a productive conversation are very low.  And the odds of my aggression/hurt over this whole situation are SUPER HIGH.  

And honestly?  If it isn't adding anything GOOD to my life...why bother?

Day One

Welcome 2023.

Word of the Year: Proactive
adjective
1. serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or challenging one; anticipatory

Proactive is the opposite of reactive. Actions that are proactive are initiated not in reaction to a situation but instead out of a desire to make a positive change, prepare for a situation, or prevent something from happening.

I want to be more proactive this year, instead of reactive. I want to take charge of my swimming through life, instead of just floating along, dealing with whatever comes along. Why not elect to meet that head on, instead of waiting until it’s an issue?

Spirit Messenger of the Year: Black-capped Chickadee
“Take your eyes off your problems and fears, and set them on your goals.”
- often associated with extroversion and charisma
- symbols of friendship and agreeability
- due to their various vocalizations, they are associated with communication
- the presence of a chickadee may indicate the correct path to take
- it is a lucky little symbol that nature itself recognizes you as a positive spirit
- symbolic of guidance, honesty, tenacity, and courage
- uniquely gifted communicators
- success in creative pursuits
- intensely protective of their “flock”
- trust your gut instincts
- symbol of friendship and “found family”
- cut down on needless spending and save for a rainy day

A damn fine spirit to work with. But holy shit, that last line caught me unawares, but damn do I need to hear it. It is one of my goals this year, to be a LOT more mindful of where my money is going. Because I have been less than frugal with my money in 2022.

Not that this was necessarily a bad thing. I am making a nice paycheck. I stay current with all my bills PLUS adding a good chunk to my savings each paycheck, and THEN have fun with my money. But I need to be significantly more disciplined with the handling of my finances.

But I could be doing so much better. I need to stop buying things just to have them. I want to focus more on EXPERIENCES than belongings. So lots of clearing out the clutter and downsizing for me this year.