Grad School Brain Ramblings

Well holy jeez!  I forgot to write an entry for yesterday!  ::laughs::  I swear I have Grad School Brain (akin to Pregnancy Brain from what I've been told).  I'm just forgetting all sorts of stuff!  But at least I'm currently on top of school work!  I guess that counts for something!

So I bit the bullet, and ordered a Bullet Journal from BulletJournal.com on Friday.  I've been hemming and hawing about it back and forth.  And you know what?  It's just $20, which is what I typically spend on a journal ANYWAYS, so why not just buy and jump right on in?  I'm hoping that it will help me be a bit more efficient and to have a game plan for the day.  ::laughs::  While it is grand fun at times to just fly by the seat of my -pants....it isn't the most productive or least stressful way of going through life.

I dunno.  I'm just sitting here thinking, "Holy shit, girl.  You are friggin' 34 years old.  You really should have your act more together than it currently is."  And with us getting the house and all of that craziness, money is going to be a bit tighter than it has been.  So I really need to get back into the swing of cooking at home.  And with the Hubs being told for the first time in his life that his cholesterol is too high, we both need to get a better handle on our eating habits.

Adding to the insanity mix, my MoonTime decided to show up......a week early.  Yay!  I knew it too.  Thursday (my utterly INSANE day), as I was stopping at QuikTrip gas station between my work meeting and heading into work itself....I typically get a Starbucks Frappuccino and chex mix to munch on during work.  But Thursday, chex mix didn't sound good at all.  Instead, I made a beeline to the beef jerky aisle.  Not only did I purchase a bag of beef jerky (at friggin' $7 for the bag), but I ate all of it at work.  Now, for those of you who don't know my eating habits, I'm not big on red meat.  I think the last time I had beef jerky was at least 2 years ago....if not longer.  So for me to spend that money on beef jerky....yeah, totally a tip off that The Bleed was soon upon me.  ::laughs::

I was supposed to go to the Pagan Group (coven? I dunno what it is at the moment), Thursday night, but with all the insanity that Thursday held....plus the fact that I still needed to finish up the last parts of my Damn Database Project of Doom, I wasn't able to.  I wish the group would meet on the weekends because I work until 7 pm during the week, but I know Hazel has offspring that she has to care for on the weekends.  ::shrugs::  It is what it is.  And honestly, I don't see myself being able to go to any of the group meetings until the semester is over anyways. 

I guess honestly, I'm still technically a Solitary with occasional forays into Coven-hood.  ::chuckles::  Whatever.  Labels don't really matter that much to me anyways.  Everyone has their preconceived ideas on what each label means, and sometimes it just requires too much effort to truly explain what I mean by certain labels.

Like when someone asks me what religion I am.  I used to call myself a heathen because that's what most people in the area called the Indians (Native Americans) and most of my beliefs run along that same vein.  But now, within the Pagan community, Heathen refers to Norse paganism.  Which I am not.  Like at all.  I mean, I like Skati but haven't worked with Her personally.  Oh, and I love mead.  But that's about all I have in common with the Norse that I'm aware of.  ::shrugs::

Ok, so I'm counting this as my Friday entry.  Now I'm going to go begin working on the last INFO 5000 essay question for the semester (due Monday).  And then HOPEFULLY later on tonight I'll remember to come back and write Saturday's entry.  ::laughs:: 

Thankful Thursday

written: April 7th 

I am thankful....

1. that I'm done with Round 3 of The Damn Database Project.  I've just got one more round of it and then the semester is OVER. 
2. that I made a 96 on my research paper for the above class!  That brings my GPA up to an 88.5.  WHEW!
3. all the awesome things I get myself into on the internet.  I love traveling down one of the random rabbit holes and finding all sorts of new and interesting things.
4. that this time next week, we will have closed on the house.  FINALLY. 
5. the bluebonnets are in bloom.  Love those flowers.
6. that more and more I'm seeing through the bullshit of others.  The drama that so many people find themselves swept away by, is nothing but white noise to me.  I no longer feel a need to jump in the mess with them.
7. my absolutely goofy but amazing students, who continue to make me laugh, day in and day out...even on the really crazy/stressful days.
8. only one more week of the horrible choir practice in my cafeteria.  The noise level and chaos levels of just having them in the cafeteria with my after school program leaves me utterly drained by the end of my shift each day. 
9. that I've taken the plunge and purchased a bullet journal.  I'm hoping this will help streamline my life a bit and keep me on better track with my school work.  We'll see!
10. how good it felt to donate that large arctic wolf poster (a print of a Jim Brandenburg photograph) and an entire trash bag FULL of plush animals, to the In-Sync Wildlife Center.  I really should go out and visit that sanctuary again.

I didn't write yesterday.  I spent a ton of time working on my major Database Project, and thus, by the time I allowed myself to fall into bed...there were just no more words left inside me, nor a desire to spend ANYMORE time in front of the computer.  ::chuckles::  But now that Round 3 is done, I'm giving myself a bit of a well deserved break.  Time to get some art journaling done in Lavender Panda's journal.  Time to get caught up on my own personal writings.  And time to continue researching more about the bullet journal technique. 

Soul's Breath

Let's start off with a dose of gratitude to chase away the negative mind frame I currently find myself in.

I am thankful...

1. that today wasn't NEARLY as bad as yesterday.

2. that my husband agreed to Taco Bell for dinner, even though it's definitely not one of his favorite places...but he saw how utterly rung out I was and agreed because he knew it would make me happy.

3. mailed out the wand, smudge feather, and Runes to Mary today.  It's nice to let those items go.

Yeah, still feeling off.  Still feeling fangy and clawy and furred the fuck up.  I swear sometimes, I'm all werewolf.  Sometimes I am human and civilized, sometimes I'm the monster that rips you to shreds, and sometimes I'm the wolf, wild and free.  I don't have nearly enough wolf days out of the month -- far too much as a human...and most of the rest as the Werewolf...and maybe a day, here and there as a wolf.  ::sighs::

I am feeling the need for another Major Culling of the Internets. 

I'm a member of too many Meet-ups and have already begun the culling on that.

I'm a member of too many Facebook groups and really need to cull the shit out of that.  Some of the groups I would like to rejoin later on down the road, so I'll make note of those in a journal and hopefully circle back.  But for right now, they eat up way too much of my life.

And I've got too many "friends" on Facebook.  I really don't like having a ton.  After all, most of those people don't know me.  And I get to feeling way too exposed because of that as well. 

I have a feeling that I'll go quiet on my blogs once April and the NaJoWriMo ends.

I need more walks.  I need more trips to the zoos or sanctuaries.  I need trips out to the Fort Worth Nature Preserve just so I can walk and walk and walk in nature.  I need to go back to the Japanese Botanical Gardens.  I need more photography and more physical journaling.  I need more beauty and sanctuary and nature and animals and just having the space to hear my soul breathe.

Spring always brings out the wanderlust so bad.  Call to return to a Vision Quest grows stronger with each passing year. 

Honestly, I'm thinking of setting up a hotwire area on my Mom's land (to deter the feral hogs out there), and just go camp for a day or two or three.

The cleaning and decluttering is brutal at times.  I come across letters and birthday cards and photos that bring a lot of memories, both good and bad, to the surface.  I utterly broke down when I came across a card that my grandmother had addressed and signed to me, from back in 2008.  Because even though she's still here physically, dementia has stolen all her memories, and the last time I saw her, she had absolutely no idea who I was.  And gods, does that ever fucking hurt.

This weekend, I plan to get a couple bottles of wine (or some other alcohol), and just start wading through all this stuff.  Tossing what no longer serves me, but holding onto the good stuff yet.

Babbling About Labels and Understandings

written: April 4th

otherwise known as NaJoWriMo #4

Man, I had already shut my computer down, and made peace with the fact that I would just write today's entry tomorrow whenever I got up.  But...instead....I turned my computer back on and here I am.

Let's do another small gratitude list:

1. that the seller of the house has decided to let us have the frig for free!  Woot!  One less major expense this month!

2. packing up some old ritual items to send to Mary -- a smudge fan, a wand, and a set of Runes.  I've smudged them all down, released them from service to me, and have cleared them energetically to send on to Mary.

3. that I gave myself today off from classwork...because work kicked my teeth in today.  I'm so glad I didn't go into work already frazzled.  ::sighs::  I hope to god, tomorrow is better.

Hazel posted a cute little thing on her Facebook page...what it would take to invoke her spirit.  Hazel wrote: "If you want to invoke my spirit you will need paints, witchy books, peach rings, wine, and kung fu movies. lol" 

I thought it was a cute idea and came up with my own response:

If you want to invoke my spirit, you would need bones, teeth, claws, feathers, furs, candles, tequila (none of that cheap shit either!), and a roaring bonfire. ::grins toothily and winks:: Scantily clad male dancers wouldn't hurt either. ::laughs::"

But I think it sums up the core of my faith.  It revolves around the animal world, so animal parts (hopefully, humanely harvested) are a staple.  Candles, I adore.  Tequila?  Yep.  And give me a roaring bonfire.  And hey, who wouldn't like some Magic Mike men dancing around said bonfire?  ::grins broadly::

And one of Hazel's friends commented "got one with bit of a dark side haha".  Now, I don't particularly see myself as "Dark".  Hell, Hazel does FAR more hexcraft than I ever would.  I replied back that I consider myself more Feral than Dark.  And even that....isn't quite....right.

Honestly, I see myself as far more Shamanic...for lack of a better word.  I don't really deal with the duality of "Light" vs "Dark" because I see instead that it balances in the end.  You cannot have Light without Dark....and you cannot have Dark without Light.  But with that said...too much Dark isn't good, just as too much Light can be destructive. 

I dunno if I'm even making sense? 

It's easier to say what I do NOT do and what I do NOT believe.

While I'm not afraid of the Dark....I don't invite too much of it into my life.

While I'm not afraid to Hex/Curse....I view it much akin to owning a handgun.  I will not seek out people to harm.  I will not knowingly put myself into situations in which I will have to harm to protect myself.  But if I'm doing my own thing, and you come and try to harm me?  I will not hesitate to protect me and mine.  Be that spellcraft or a gun.

But with that being said...I'm not huge on spellcraft.  I guess I do more communion with nature and Divinity and Spirits than magick.  ::shrugs::  But it makes me whole.  And that's all that matters in the end.

NaJoWriMo 03

written: April 3rd

Oy vey!  I finished up Module #8 Essay question to the tune of 403 words.  So that should count for something, yes??  ::laughs::  Only EIGHT more assignments total for both classes and I'm DONE with this semester.  Holy crap. 

I seriously need to just hire someone to help organize me and then KEEP ME ON TRACK.  Because this whole "me being responsible for ME" shit ain't working out for me!  ::laughs::  Again, my Mom is a saint because she's put up with my bull-headedness and frightening stubborn streak for 34 years!  I'm just now trying to seriously steer this ship! 

I have a feeling that tonight's entry is going to be light.  I'm utterly exhausted and yet have MORE classwork due by Thursday.  Oh, and while I'm talking about Thursday -- I have a staff meeting before work that day in which we are getting the Pre-Reg packets for the parents for next school year.  AND I have my lil Group/Coven thing meeting AFTER work in Dallas. Plus, a BIG project is due that Thursday.  I do believe it will be a safe bet to say I will be completely and utterly FRIED on Friday.

April 11th is my 10th anniversary of being self-injurious behavior free.  I try to do something nice for myself on that date to recognize the hell I survived and all the progress I've made since then.  I was hoping to do something big for my DECADE...but between school work, work-work, and house/moving stuff it's looking like that may not be possible.  I'll still probably buy myself some lilies for that day, but I'll push the fun until some of this craziness dies down.

NaJoWriMo 02

written: April 2nd

Man, I am just so beat down and utterly wrung out.  I need a day of utter nothingness, but I don't foresee that for a couple of months.

Man, fuck this Debbie-Downer shit.  Gonna take Mary's suggestion to heart.  So without further ado....

Three Things that I am Thankful for Today:

1.  that it is finally setting in that WE ARE MOVING SOON.  We've really started taking things down off the walls and patching various nail/screw holes in the walls.  I've been decluttering and letting go of things that no longer serve me.

2.  that the Robinsons needed me to babysit this evening.  They pay EXTREMELY well, and given how little this past paycheck was (due to having all week off for Spring Break), the extra money from babysitting really comes in handy.

3.  that even thought it took a bit, I FINALLY found someone to bully the apartment complex into submission (threatening to level felony animal cruelty charges tends to perk up a person), but they did finally come out to help liberate the squirrel I have come to name Houdini.  Originally, we believed Houdini to be in the chimney...turns out Houdini was in the WALL between the fireplace and our apartment.  But they followed the Wildlife rescuer's advice and left a bit of rope dangling into where Houdini was trapped and left him alone.  All is quite as of 8 pm, so I'm hoping and praying this means Houdini made his great escape.

4. (a bonus one), my lil Niece is doing well and is finally officially named.  ::laughs:: My Bro and Sis-in-Law thought they would have a bit more time to finally come to an agreement, but lil Niece had other plans and showed up a week early.  ::laughs::  Seems she is already proving she's maintaining the strong will/independence exhibited by almost every single female in our bloodline. 

Ok.  I'm still exhausted, but not quite so negative.  ::smiles::

Sunday's gonna suck.  I've got two assignments, one major and one minor due.  Plus, I will need to spend the week revamping my Draft 3 of The Doom and Gloom Project.  And I need to talk to that professor about getting some tutoring.  I really, really, REALLY do not want to have to take this class over again.

I've decided to hold off on mailing out any postcards this month through Postcrossing until after the move.  I just don't want any getting lost in the mail!  A member of a Bullet Journaling group I'm also a member of, was asking for people to send her child postcards.  He apparently has ADHD and really struggles with reading, but LOVES reading postcards.  So I've agreed to do this.  I'm hoping that some of my students will be interested in writing to this child as well.  I'd supply the postcard and the postage.  And hopefully I can tie this in with my "Leadership Project" for INFO 5000 (the non-Doom and Gloom class), and get started on the journaling group I've offered to do for that project.  THAT paper is due April 18th.

Basically, if I can survive until May 6th, it's smooth sailing once more.  Both classes will be done.  We will be free of this retched apartment complex AND fully moved into our house.  Then I can really look at our finances and figure out what trip I can afford to take.  Hell, even if it's just a drive up to the Oklahoma City Zoo or out to the Fort Worth Nature Preserve to do some serious hiking in nature....I just NEED something.  Hell, maybe my Mom will be up for a trip of some sort.  ::grins and smiles::

NaJoWritMo 01

written: April 1st

Here it is, April 1st. First day of the next round of the National Journal Writing Challenge.

And here I am, running ‘round, avoiding it like the plague. ::laughs:: Forgive me, I am so deeply restless, I am pacing back and forth like a caged predator.

Little bit of awesome news today, that, unfortunately, I am not at liberty to share on the social networks publicly just yet.
I am an Aunt x2 now. Yep. Lil Niece decided to show up a full WEEK early. The Bro and Sis-in-Law are still debating names. They thought they had a whole ‘nother week to hammer it out. ::laughs::

Leviathan (my snake) is also catching the Spring Fever. She’s slithering all over her tank all hours of the day and night. Maybe once we move, I can finally start working on a bigger, more naturalistic look enclosure for her. Seeing all the BEAUTIFUL enclosures some of the venomous snake keepers create makes me want to really step up my game for her. I want to try my hand at bioactive substrate (ground cover with live organisms in there that will help break down the excrement matter). I’m on the fence about putting live plants in there…seeing how much she’s crushed the soul out of the fake one in her tank currently…I don’t see a live plant surviving long with her. ::laughs:: But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

Speaking of the house…as far as we know, we are still on track to close on the 14th of this month. In less than TWO WEEKS we could possibly be moving into our house. FINALLY. Gah! I have so much to do between now and then. I wish I didn’t have any classwork due. Maybe I can light a fire under my ass and get as much done as possible this weekend so I can have the rest of the week to declutter and pack. I’ve got to remember to drop off my old dresses for Project Prom sometime this coming week.

If I can swing it, I desperately need a vacation this summer. It doesn’t necessarily have to be up to Indiana to see my wolves…though that would be SO nice. But I need some time AWAY. I need a damn road trip, even if it’s just overnight.