Predator Self

Blame it on Dexter or on me still riding un-medicated.

But my predator self is back. 
The one that moves with liquid grace. 
The one that oozes utter confidence that can only come from knowing exactly where and how hard to strike down one's foe.

Blame it on the on-coming cold weather.  It always brings out my inner She Wolf.
Blame it on me finally standing up to my morning boss and walking out on that job that just robbed me of the joys of life.  Of working with kids.
I'm just not cut out to work with children under the age of 7, I've come to realize.

Got the job at Starbucks, pending me clearing a criminal background check (which I will...with flying colors).

But for now....I'm comfortable in this skin of mine.
I'm coming to various realizations about myself and the way I tick.

I've realized that while the impulse to cut will probably always be with me, the actual need to do it is long gone.
It's much akin to the other random desires towards violence that I have on a daily basis.  The desire to slash someone's tires.  To punch certain people in the throat.  Various desires that, while are fun to visualize, I just really don't see myself ever acting on.  *shrugs*  This is me.  And I kind of like me.

I feel like all this time I've been running away from my Core.  Trying to play nice.  Trying to shed the pelt and the fangs and the claws. 
Being a Wolf isn't being evil. 
Being a Wolf is just different.  Just me.
The way I use this fur and fang...that decides if I'm evil or not.  And for now.....I'm not.

And that circles back to being a predator, sure of herself, of what she is capable of doing...and deciding what to do.
For instance, today in my exit interview from Kids R Kids, it would have been all too easy to go off on my now-ex-boss.  To tell her exactly what I think of her, her management style, and her whole damn school.  But I chose not to go for the kill.  Why bother?  I'm liberated from that hell hole, so why spend any more time there than I absolutely have to.  It was a joy to quit.  *chuckles*

And now, I enjoy my late nights and later mornings.  I only have one job to contend with at the moment and I'm enjoying the freedom while it lasts.  Starbucks will tame me down once more.  But until then, I run free.

32 Goals for my 32nd Year

32 Goals for my 32nd Year

1. weigh 175 lbs or less
2. take at least one creative class at Michael's
3. decide if I'm staying with the Coven or looking for a new one
4. pay off Firestone credit card completely
5. complete 5 pages in Leviathan's scrapbook
6. see David's parents
7. return trip to Wolf Park
8. something nice for my 8th SI free anniversary
9. fire a gun of some sort
10. pumpkin, watermelon, and birthday parties for the wolves at Wolf Park
11. take Holly and Leviathan to visit Santa
12. Art Every Day Challenge
13. declutter room
14. lavender in my hair (streaks, tips, whatever)
15. Vision Quest
16. 1 postcard a month (minimum) through Postcrossing
17. print out blog
18. pay off Care One Credit completely
19. write rituals for all 8 Sabbats
20. write a standard Esbat ritual
21. donate $50 to a sanctuary
22. get a massage
23. 6 new recipes
24. Tabula Rasa ritual
25. write a new set of 101 Goals in 1001 Days
26. feed a Gaboon viper
27. write and use invocations to Cernunnos
28. get a Cernunnos statue for my altar
29. complete Project Life and decide if I want to do it again
30. 6 craft projects from Pinterest
31. visit a zoo/sanctuary 12 times
32. do something nice for my 33rd birthday

31 Goals for my 31st Year Final End

Every year I make a list of goals for myself to accomplish in that year (I don't do New Year's Resolutions).

Here's the 31 Goals for my 31st Year final end.

31 Goals for my 31st Year

1. weigh 175 lbs or less

            * start weight is 215

            * end weight is 189

2. make a career decision and go for it

            * finishing up Alternative Teaching Certificate

                        * classes completed 12/28/12 

                        * now just studying for the test

                        * passed Generalist 4 - 8 test (7/6/13)

3. Photo Safari at Fossil Rim for my 7th year SI free -- didn't do
4. take a sketching/drawing/paint class
5. do well in the Coursera classes I've enrolled in

      *I've opted to put the Coursera classes on hold until I get the teaching test

                  completed.

6. get a tattoo
7. return visit to Wolf Park
8. return visit to the Houston Zoo
9. Project Life for 2013 -- still working on this
10. make a wish at 12:12 on December 12th, 2012

            * done!

11. photos in the bluebonnets
12. 12 new recipes

            1. Red Velvet Cake Dip = 11/17/12

            2. Cheesy Ranch Chicken = 12/17/12

            3. Mashed Baked Potatoes = 1/12/13

            4. Shoyu Tamago (soy sauce eggs) = 4/28/13

            5. Lofat Alfredo Sauce = 6/15/13

13. make the beaded wrap/case for my athame

            * lost that athame, got a new one, don't need the case

14. send in a secret to Post Secret
15. go to 3 DFW Herpetological Society meetings
16. go to the big reptile expo in February  -- didn't do
17. take a photography class/course
18. make 6 of the crafts I've found on Pinterest

            1. Alternative Xmas Tree

            2. Christmas Card album

            3. Tipped Nail Polish

            4. Cardboard House (for my students)

            5. Grid Painting (art journal)

            6. Tea Staining Paper (art journal)

19. deep clean my art territory
20. get nice photos done of David and I
21. do something nice for David's birthday

            Batman cookies and Joe's Crab Shack

22. 365 Photo Challenge -- still working on this
23. good photos of Leviathan every month

            Nov = Xmas photos for Xmas card

            Dec =  New Year photos with antlers

            Jan = didn't do

            Feb = Leviathan & Antlers

            stopped at this point

24. enter 3 photography contests
25. find my Sir Bob the Chicken Knight Story and work on getting it published
26. have my fortune read
27. visit the Japanese Botanical Gardens in the Spring (didn't do) and Fall nope
28. pay down the Firestone credit card to zero by my 32nd birthday
29. start a savings account

            11/10/13 = $420

30. treat myself to the Zoo, lilies, and a nice dinner for my 32nd birthday
31. visit the Ultimate Reptile Shop in Hockley and feed their Gaboon Viper.

I (a poem)

I am not the Salmon
swimming with the masses
packed gill to gill in the
frigid Alaskan rivers
battling to be like everyone else
struggling to do nothing more
than to spawn and die

I am more like the Great White Shark
cruising the depths
and breadth
of the shadowy, watery ways
of the oceans of the world
elusive, enigmatic
a true mystery to all
but a few

I am a Gypsy
hunted and persecuted
yet wild, untamed
FREE to be
who I am at my deepest core
traveler and lover of the
gifts this world possesses

This is I

Lurking

I'm alive.  I'm here. I'm just in full on lurk mode.

Call it depression.  Call it "my give a shit is broken".  Call it an early mid-life crisis.  Whatever. 
I come here to write and then bolt away instead.
My time is absorbed by Uno on Facebook.  What a lovely distraction.

I'm struggling with the Art Every Day Challenge for this month.  I'm doing nature based Mandalas again (yeah, for like the 4 billionth time).  I've got some really difficult critters this time around for patterns.  But I kind of relish that challenge.  I worked on a few while waiting to David to pick up some tile at Home Depot.  I am still woefully behind, but at least I'm making progress.

Apparently me speaking up at the morning has led to my hours being cut.  Now, to be fair, the boss did warn the whole group that she's cutting hours across the board and that the student-to-teacher ratio will lead to them sending un-necessary teachers home, but I was already bracing for my hours to be cut.  But for me to go from 20 hours a week to being ONE of the on-call subs?  That's rough.  I'm thinking of applying at Starbucks.  Could be fun.

Turned 32 back on the 10th.  A nice, quiet birthday with my mom and husband.  I think I'm still in shock at being that old.  And I'm comparing myself to others, which is always a recipe for disaster.

I'm way behind on my 365 Photo Challenge too.  Hopefully I can spend this week getting that caught up, along with my Art Every Day Challenge.  Next year, I'm definitely NOT doing the 365 Photo Challenge.  I'll be so glad when that's all over.  Just 44 more days of that and then I'm DONE.

Read World War Z.  Was greatly under impressed.  The movie was so much better.  I mean, the concept behind the book was great.  But after the first 50 or so survivor stories, it got to be a bit boring.  Wow, ANOTHER person survived.  I mean, my hat's off to the author to come up with so many individual scenarios on surviving the zombie apocalypse, but damn it got old real quick.  But then again, I'm not a huge zombie fan, so I didn't have that going for me.  *shrugs*  Definitely worth reading once, but not one I ever see myself picking up ever again.

Went to the Fox and Hound in Carrollton with Lisa and crew to watch UFC 167.  This was the 20th anniversary of UFC AND Georges St. Pierre was defending his title (he's my all time favorite).  We almost ended up not going, but I'm glad in the end, I talked David into.  This might be St. Pierre's last fight.  He's taking a few years off for personal reasons, but you never know if they are truly retiring or not.  I'll certainly be sad to see him go.  I'll have to pick a new runner up to favorite fighter. 

Thankful Saturday

I am thankful.....

1. for a quiet, low-key Samhain
2. my Sekhmet painting arrived yesterday and it's AWESOME!
3. my birthday is fast approaching
4. former ESD student brought me Dots from his Halloween trick-or-treating
5. all the side effects have gone away since I've been off of Geodon
6. bracelets two of my ESD students made for me
7. roasted pumpkin seeds from Allie
8. payday yesterday from BOTH jobs
9. survived the two days of being on my own in the morning job
10. postcard from Russia via Postcrossing

Samhain

Blessed Samhain.  A day to honor one's ancestors, but known and unknown (those that came before my time).  A day to honor the Beloved Dead -- and not just human.  I honor beloved pets that have passed on.

This year, Halloween day was packed to the gills with work requirements and my depression has a strong hold on me mentally.  I opted to keep my Samhain observances low-key.  I simply lit a white pomegranate-scented candle I bought specifically for Samhain and acknowledged my Dead, and wished them safe travels.  At this time of the year the Veil between the Living and the Dead is the thinnest and the Dead are able to travel here and visit the Living.

I lit the candle again today and will light it tomorrow as well.

I opted not to do any divination (another custom for Samhain) as I'll be doing a year-reading for myself soon in my Tabula Rasa ritual.
Just a nice quiet observance and honoring of the Dead. 

written Nov 1st