GLORIOUS

Last night I dreamt that I pretty much dumped Psycho Ex into the realm of the Fair Ones and skipped away. I just remember the look of utter hopelessness and betrayal on his face when he realized where I left him it was FABULOUS. I wish I could bottle up that feeling and use it whenever I’m having a down day. Because I pretty much rode a high ALL DAY. Anytime I’d start feeling a bit “meh”, I would remind myself of his look of utter abandonment of all home his face had when I danced out of the door, leaving him trapped with the Fair Ones.

Now, some of you may recall that I have absolutely ZERO dealings with the Fair Ones....but this? This I would gladly do.

Numbers

So let’s spitball some numbers here.

Leviathan turned 19 years old this month.  I can hardly believe I’ve had my lavender serpent for almost 2 decades!

Hubs turned 50.  We did dinner at Medieval Times and had a blast.

I’ll be turning 44 in November. 

Just wild how fast time flies by once you stop and look back at all that has been accomplished/endured/dominated. 

I’ve been with my current library for 5 years now.  Crazy to stop and think about that.  I never thought I would ever truly leave child care/education behind.  But yeah, I honestly haven’t looked back once I got out.  And from what former coworkers have told me, I got out when the getting was good.  Such a shame.  It was a fabulous afterschool program in the beginning.  And to think I worked there for 12 years.

Two Into One

I’m exchanging two terrible debts for one reasonable debt.
One credit card had $2500 on it, with an APR of something in the realm of 23%. The other credit card was sitting at $15,000 on it with an APR of 17%. I was making payments without issue, but with the credit as high as it was WITH that high of an APR? Yeah, I was just treading water.
So, I took out a private loan for $16,000 with an APR of just 7%. They have it set up to be a standard 5 year loan, but I can elect to pay it back quicker without penalty. So I can actually get it PAID OFF. Woohoo, I can’t wait.
It’s just a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I knew it was a heavy weight, but I didn’t realize how much it was utterly CRUSHING me. I feel like I can breathe now.

Feral

As I inch closer and closer to my birthday (55 days away), the more obsessed I become with creating my list of birthday goals.  This year, since my mental health has been in the shitter more so than usual, I’ve been writing and rewriting my possible goals a thousand times over.  Making lists of goals gives me something to look forward to plus it distracts the mean part of my brain so it stops beating me up.

Doesn’t help with the world being the way the world is.

Job’s a bit more chaotic.  Pambie retired abruptly in August and we are without a manager until October.  So we’re all just rolling with the chaos before we have to behave like anything OTHER than the feral goblin raccoons we are.

Casting About

So many things to write about, and yet I’m casting about for the words.
Fountain pens are currently dominating my life, though that obsession is beginning to wane a bit. So hopefully, I can find a balance between physical journal writing and electronic writing. They both have their pros and cons.
I am currently hosting a journal swap with five other members. Two of which? I will not invite into another one of my swaps. ::shrugs:: It is what it is. There are only two rounds left, so it should come to a close soon, thankfully.
I need to remember my core values and ensure they are upheld.

Black Wings

It's not those with black wings who fall, but those who give up on flying.

It's not about how you look or the burdens you carry -- it's about whether you have the strength to rise above your own limits. Even in darkness, a path to the light can be found, as long as you don't let fear keep you grounded.

~ Dream Weaver AI

Black wings have always played a MAJOR role in my personal mythos and symbols.  And this quote just brought goose bumps to my body.

Hawk is the animal spirit I chose for this year.  Hawk’s message to me, is to let go of the bullshit and soar.  It’s the bullshit, and holding onto that so tightly, that keeps me grounded and unable to fly. 

A few days back, I had a dream in which a Condor (Andean Condor to be specific) caught and killed a Hawk.  Just smashed it into the ground.  And Condor, as a spirit guide?  It’s practically a supercharged Hawk.  Greater expanse.  Greater viewpoint.  Closer connection with divinity/universe/The Source.

It almost feels like I’m being told that I’m playing it too small.  Even with Hawk.  Even with loosening my grip on the bullshit that is keeping me grounded.  I’m just taking too long. 

So Condor has decided to step in and kickstart this transformation.  New Vision.  New Journey.  New Pathway.