2015 Recap

One of the nice benefits of the Tabula Rasa ritual is that it makes me take account of the year past.  It's kind of nice to see how well the year went, and how the bumps in the road aren't quite a big as they used to appear.

January

Positive: I did the Dino 101 class through Coursera and just loved it.

February

Negative: Sadly, we had to renew our lease for another year at RBC apartments.

Positive: I finally opened up my savings account for the money I'm saving towards my Polar Bear Trip.

March

Positive: I finally did my "Snow Angel Butt Print" for Gloria.

April

Positive: 1st month doing the NaJoWriMo Challenge and I love it.  And I celebrated 9 years self-inflicted injury free.

May

Negative: Almost punched my assistant manager Christina at Starbucks for constantly touching me.

Positive: Watching the two hawklings.  My drum-making class at the Lightworker's Sanctuary -- so awesome.

June

Negative: Heavy police presence in the apartment complex due to a domestic incident involving a deadly weapon.

Positive: Moody Gardens trip with my Mom!  So much fun!

July

Positive: Darrell (head boss at Starbucks) transferred to another store....SIX HOURS AWAY!  David bought a 2014 Honda Civic.

Negative: Homicide on my wooded trails had our apartment complex in lock-down for 4 hours.

August

Negative: My Great Uncle Pete died.

Positive: Getting to attend Carter's 1st birthday!

September

Positive: Ray's Super Secret Surprise (an artisan handmade Elephant Journal of AMAZINGNESS) was a wild success.  David got a BIG raise.  I applied to Grad School.

October

Positive: Awesome behind the scenes tours with my Mom at the Abilene Zoo.  I got accepted to Grad School!  Logan told me they are expecting their second child.  And I fed my students "Crick-ettes" (seasoned crickets) and became the coolest teacher EVER.

November

Negative: The near constant fighting with Starbucks.  I got into a fender bender.

Positive: I finally got a smart phone.  Great birthday.

December

Positive: I quit Starbucks!  I met up with two Deviant Art buddies at the Fort Worth Zoo.  I met Hazel at the Divine Feminine Meet-Up.  Paid for the Spring semester's classes.  And David and I started looking at houses.

Negative: Danny Lugo died.

So all in all, a damn good year.  I'm ready to take on 2016.

Catching Up and Winding Down

So much to write about and the days are just zipping past me.  The year is almost over!  I can hardly believe it.

Ok, so Monday I had the women's group first time meeting.  Honestly, I wasn't even the slightest bit nervous until I was pulling into the parking lot (at the wrong Starbucks it turns out).  But once I actually got there and met Hazel and the other lady (I think her name is Deb), I was immediately at ease.  The hour and half past so swiftly.  And surprisingly, I hit it off beautifully with them both.  And the awesome part I recognized while in the meeting -- I didn't feel the need to dominate the conversation.  I didn't feel the need to brag, or put on airs.  I was genuine, which is unusual for me.  I usually put up a good front to protect myself, and it isn't until a couple of meetings later that I start lowering my guard.  So to say I'm excited about the potential of this lil group is a huge understatement.  We have another meeting next Monday that I'm really looking forward to.

Yesterday I did my Tabula Rasa (Latin for "clean slate") ritual...at least part of it.  I put together my year review -- the high lights and low points of 2015.  And I've done my yearly Tarot reading for 2016 -- rather excited about what I see in the cards for next year.  All that is left is the burning of all the bad shit from last year.  Hopefully I can get that done this week.  I'm ready to shed all of that crap and start fresh.

Today we looked at a house that I had utterly fallen in love with through the photos on the website.  And let me tell you, the photos didn't do that house one bit of justice.  It is just too fucking cute.  Seriously, no other way to describe it. 

But since someone had just put in a bid on the house, we had to move fast.  And it was just too fast for me.  And of course, we looked at the house on David's lunch break, so we had a whopping 20 minutes to discuss how we felt about it.  And Fred (our Realtor) was kind of pushing for a quick answer because the owners were hoping to make a decision asap. 

So yeah, that triggered a border-line panic attack in me.  Trying to make this major decision without having a moment to really discuss it with David and hammer out the financial side of it?  I was panicking.  Luckily, I got to talk to my Mom for about an hour to just get all my fears and everything out in the open.  And my Mom is crazy gifted with money sense (most of it she learned via the school of hard knocks), so she was making a lot of sense.

In the end, Husband and I haggled some things about our bid to bring it back into the realm of feasible for us.  And we submitted our bid.

There will be no bidding war as we offered what we can afford.  The house was pretty close to the limit, so we can't go any higher.  If we don't get it, it's ok.  We've already agreed on that.  But it's nice to know exactly how this all goes down....almost like we did a dry run on this.  So now we know what to expect when we do get to finally pull the trigger.

Within the hour Fred called to say the owners went with the first bid...but that they would like to keep us as a secondary option.  The first bidders have 10 days to decide if they are taking the house or not.  We plan to continue looking at other houses -- hopefully ones that afford us a bit more breathing room financially.  But if, by some miracle, we do end up getting this house?  We would be over the fucking moon. 

And then earlier today my Mom text me to let me know my car is FINALLY done.  That "minor" fender bender ended up being not so minor after all.  ::sighs:: But Saphira (the name of the car) is all fixed and ready to go.  Thank goodness.  While I've loved driving my Mom's car since Thanksgiving...I will certainly be happy to get MY car back.  So now I just have to figure out WHEN I'm going back to my lil hometown to fetch Saphira back home.

Have I mentioned lately that Life likes to pack a lot of shit in all at once?  Granted, I'll have a few weeks of utter quiet, but then a thousand and one things happen within a week.  Insanity!  ::laughs::

A Good-Bye

Now, I’m not claiming to be anywhere on the spectrum of normal behavior when it comes to typical human behavior. Honestly, most of it baffles the shit out of me.

Like, I understand grief is a very personal behavior. I get that. I know that no everyone grieves the same way.

Danny, a high school buddy of mine, died on Dec 9th. And while I understand why people post things to his Facebook wall (it’s a memorial page at this point), I don’t understand whomever has his password, and is posting using his account now.

I’m sure it’s a close friend or a family member. But it un-nerves the shit out of me to see his name pop up in my news feed. I get all excited because it’s Danny....and then I remember....he’s dead. So, for me, it’s like getting that sucker punch to the gut all over again.

While it’s not like whomever is posting using Danny’s account is trying to act like Danny’s the one writing the posts. I would hunt them down and beat their ass for that shit. But they’re posting stuff like “We miss you everyday! The memories we have of you keep us going!”

Like, why the fuck do you have to use HIS profile to post this stuff so it shows up in everyone’s feed? If you feel the need to say this, just use your own damn account and post it to his wall.

To me, it just smacks of attention-seeking behavior. Like, “let me broadcast this to the whole world, so I can prove what a good friend/family member I am.”

So, here I am, shedding tears as I “unfriend” my dead friend.

My strong inner core self wants to say something…to speak up about this and how it makes me feel.
But how to do that and NOT be an asshole? That’s just beyond my reach right now. So instead, I’ll “unfriend” him.

The whole situation just sucks.

Danny, I know we haven’t been all that close since Jeremy and I broke up....but damn man. I miss ya and your crazy antics. I miss dancing with you and hitting on girls with you. I miss my Paco so much.

And because of that, I can’t handle it when your name and face pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook. One of your loved ones has pirated your profile and are using it to air out their grief, and while I certainly don’t hold that against them....I just can’t handle it man. So I’m cutting that last tie…

Yule

I’m just now getting around to celebrating Yule and the Full Moon. But better late than never, is my motto! ::laughs::

I’m still struggling with what the Sabbats mean symbolically to me. Typical pagans celebrate this Holy day as the day the Mother Goddess is pregnant with the Sun God. And, as I’ve stressed each Sabbat, I don’t particularly like this mythos. It doesn’t speak to me.

And typically, I would also say that the god plays no role in my life. But that’s recently changed. With all the storms and horrid/dangerous weather we’ve had for the vast majority of the year, Set (Egyptian god of chaos and storms) has popped up. He and the Harpies get along quite well, and are VERY good at protection against storms. So prayers to him have been added.

But I’m glad I’m celebrating Yule anyways, even if I’m not 100% sure what it MEANS to me exactly.

Zoo Trip

So on Monday (Dec21st), I sucked it up and went to the zoo trip with two “buddies” ish from Deviant Art. Well, I only “know” Orcanaria....I don’t know the friend she brought with her – KosaFox. But I figured, “How bad could it really be?”

Oye.

For one, it’s never a good idea to put three socially awkward people together for an extended period of time.

Secondly, I’m probably a good 10 to 15 years older than them.

Thirdly, I go to the zoo to enjoy photographing the animals. Maybe this ties in with their age, but we spent a good half out in the damn parakeet feeding place. Now, I got some awesome photos of KosaFox with a ton of birds.....but I go to the zoo to enjoy wild/exotic animals....not ones PEOPLE KEEP AS FRIGGIN’ PETS!

Fourthly, if I’m lining up a photo and you spook the animal…thus ruining my shot…because you felt the need to just randomly word vomit on me about shit that doesn’t matter....count yourself lucky you didn’t get a punch to the throat.

Seriously, I was lining up a nice photo of the ocelot, who is almost NEVER awake, and Orcanaria just blabs out “I’ve been hanging out with Furries too much”, and the ocelot scuttles away. It was everything I had in me not to strike her in the throat.

We spent three HOURS there, and never even made it into the reptile house. ::growls::

Now, to be fair, I got some AMAZING photos of the Harpy Eagles, who actually came down off their high perch and were a mere two feet away from me. So that was AMAZING.

But yeah, I’m not really sure I’ll meet up with them again. It was nice that I didn’t have to pay for my ticket into the zoo, but next time I think I’ll resume going alone.

Whee with the Panic

So yeah, I’m meeting up with Orcanaria (her online handle – I’m not using her real name because I’ve just now found that out, and she’s still very much Orcanaria in my mind) and one of her friends at the Zoo tomorrow.

And I was honestly fine with the whole thing until about 3 minutes ago. That’s when the panic truly kicked in.
I’m sure it will be fun and lovely. Shit if nothing else, it’s a free day at the Zoo! I just have to pay for my parking.

And then I heard back from the lady heading up the local Pagan Meet-Up.

She stated that she adored the fact that I spoke my mind and just knows we are going to be good friends. ::chuckles:: Yeah, that whole “speaking my mind” is a double-edged sword.

But she’s since moved the location to a local Starbucks that one of my previous assistant mangers (that I like) works at. So hopefully Jeff will be working that night. He was a blast to work with, once I almost knocked him off his feet for his lil man syndrome. ::laughs::

Right now, I’m completely calm about the Pagan meeting…but I’m sure once it gets closer, I’ll flip out.
But I’m still forging ahead. Onwards.

Cool...Panic

I've noticed this about myself:

I hear of something kind of cool that I'm interested in.

I get all excited and sign up to do said Cool Thing like a week or two in advance.

And yet, by the time it rolls around, I panic and hide.

Oye.

So yeah.  I really need to stick to my guns and grit my way through this.  I'm sure it'll be fun once I'm THERE doing the THING.  But I'm sure there's going to be a lot of panic before I get to that point.

So yeah, Panicky but Cool Thing #1 -- a fellow photographer from Deviant Art has been hitting me up to meet up with her at our local favorite zoo and just do some photography.  No biggie right?  Last time I attempted to do this, I practically had a panic attack just THINKING about it 2 days before I was supposed to meet up with her. 

I'm supposed to possibly meet up with her on the 21st, but that really hinges on how Hubs's talk with the VA about a house loan goes tomorrow.  If we have to go meet the people in person, it is possible that I would have to do that on the 21st.  Though, knowing the VA, it might be JUNE before they can talk to us.  ::rolls her eyes::

And Panicky but Cool Thing #2 -- there's a brand spanking new Pagan group forming in my city that sounds like it would be right up my alley.  So of course, I joined their MeetUp group.  Their first meeting is on the 28th. 

And the main thing that has me on edge is that they are meeting at a park.

In a very sketchy part of town.

At friggin' 6:30 pm. Um, yeah....it gets dark here at around 5:30. 

When I walk Ole Lady Dog at 8 pm, it is full blown night time.  And I walk with a flashlight.  And a knife. 

Soooo, I'm not so sure about this meet up at THAT time in THAT park.  I mean, I get it.  Pagans love nature and want to be surrounded by nature.  But seriously, we couldn't do this Get To Know You Meeting at a friggin' IHOP?  Which, actually, I think I may bring the safety & darkness concern up.  Hell, how do I know they aren't going to try to mug me themselves?  Other than it would be one of the stupidest things they ever did....

Most Awesome Friends

I truly have some of the most awesome friends.

A while back I had mentioned I wanted to read Rumi’s poetry and John suggested the Illuminated  Rumi book. I added to my wish list on Amazon and then promptly forgot it (like I typically do).

Then today, I got a notice that I had a package at the apartment office. I picked up an Amazon box. I had just ordered some adult coloring books, and I thought to myself, “Damn, they weren’t dicking around the shipping this time around!”

I opened it up and saw the book was gift wrapped and I puzzled to myself “I don’t THINK I opted for the gift wrapping…“

Then I saw the card from John.

Totally made my day. As soon as I finish reading Tagging the Moon by S.P. Somtow, I am reading this book.

Leviathan and Santa

Yesterday I did get photos done of Leviathan and Santa! Woot!

Leviathan was being a bit of a stinker…refusing to sit still for more than a nanosecond. ::laughs:: With the colder weather (not counting this week), I haven’t been handling her as much, so she as all about exploring and checking EVERYTHING out.

And poor Santa. Having to wear all that hot stuff when the temps were in the mid-70s! He was a real trooper!

So this is now the 5th year Leviathan has gotten her photo done with Santa. :)

Avoiding

Avoidance is the name of the game.

And that game is called "what Manitou Wolf does when the going gets tough". 

Yeah, if avoiding shit was an Olympic sport, I'd hit the gold EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

So seeing as how I'm planning on turning over a new leaf -aka- going back to grad school to get OUT of child care -end aka- I figure, why not change this as well?

So yeah, what is it that I'm avoiding right now?  Or, let's even back it up a moment and talk about what I've been avoiding for almost a month now?

Ok, so Avoidance #1 -- I saw my grandmother over Thanksgiving.  And she gave me the absolutely sweetest compliment I think I have ever received.  She just gazed and me and whispered "You are just GORGEOUS" and continued to stare raptly at me.

So why am I avoiding that?  Because she had absolutely no idea who I was.  This is the woman who instilled her love of mythology in me (I've come into possession of some of her research papers on various mythologies that I plan to read at a later date), who instilled a love of science, who nurtured my adoration of wildlife, who taught me how to do so much.......and she doesn't even remember my face. 

My mom had been telling me how bad she was getting, so it's not like it was brand new to me.  But it's one thing to hear it....but a completely different thing to experience it. 

And it plays directly into my biggest fear in life....losing my mind and ending up committed.

And Avoidance #2 -- the untimely death of one of my absolute best friends back in high school.  Today would have been his 34th birthday if he hadn't of passed away on Wednesday.  That type of shit hits you hard in the gut....it's one hell of a sucker punch.  The funeral is Monday, but I won't be going.

I can justify it by saying that this is the last week before the students let out for Winter Break, so shit is crazier than normal (and it's normally pretty damn crazy).  I can say that I won't do that to my staff when I can't even guarantee they'll get a sub for me that day because it's such short notice.  I can even say it's because I'm having to get all my aides' mid-year evaluations done by the 18th, and I've got an evaluation Monday through Thursday already lined up.  I have a thousand and one, honest-to-god justifications as to why I cannot make it to Danny's funeral.  But that's avoiding the meat of the situation.

I do not want to face his death just yet.  And I certainly have no real desire to face his death while surrounded by our classmates....most of whom I have had zero contact with once I graduated high school and fled to Dallas for college.

So instead, the next time I'm down in my lil hometown, I'll make a trip to the cemetery to pay my respects.  Now that I think of it, I don't believe I've ever been to my hometown's cemetery. All the funerals I've been to have been out at the tiny country "town" my grandparents lived in.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful:

1. that the cold and rainy snap we had seems to be over for a little bit.  It's so nice to be back in the sunshine once more.
2. Tuesday was my last official day as a Starbucks employee.  WOOHOO!
3. got my hotel squared away for the two in-person classes I have to take in Houston in January.  Pricy as hell, but I got the room AT the hotel that the classes will be at so I don't have to mess with Houston morning traffic.
4. great Turkey Day with my family.  I do wish more of the extended family could have come, but it was a nice day over all.
5. that I finally took the plunge and got a smart phone -- LG Escape 2.  I am LOVING it.
6. just two more weeks left until Winter Break.
7. currently completely caught up on my calendar journal.  Woohoo!  AND I have next year's grids all drawn out already.
8. the internet and all the things it allows me to do from the comfort of my own home.  Shopping and research, communication and learning.  So awesome for an introvert like myself.
9. raw photography talent.  I won't say I honestly have SKILL other than what I've intuitively taught myself, but some of my photos...I sit back and just say WOW to myself.  ::laughs::  Just imagine what I can do once I take some photography classes!
10. cleaning out some more clutter.  I almost wish we were moving right NOW so I would HAVE to get completely serious about cutting the clutter down.  But for now, I'm piece-mealing it and slowly getting it done.